A new year a new me.

It's that time of year again, that time where nearly the entire world has a new years resolution to lose weight. And unfortunately I am among them. For as long as I can remember it has always been number one on my list I don't know what I would have on the list if it wasn't to do with getting rid of this disgusting fat that engulfs my body.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were not good. I completely lost my willpower on Christmas Eve. It's awful just how much damage can be done in one and a half days of not watching what you eat. I've put on 1.8. Just shows that you can never break, never lose your willpower, never lose focus of the goal that you want or it all gets ruined.

Stayed the same!

I know I said I would be happy if I just didn't gain and I stayed the same. I'm not! I'm absolutely mortified! I'm such a fat failure, I hate it, I hate it so much! I'm on track though and hope to lose a decent amount this week.
I normally just freak out and eat but not this time. I AM GOING TO BE THIN! I did my couch to 5k app yesterday at the gym then this morning I did a body attack class and then did 5km on the treadmil  I'm working hard at the gym this week to try and make up for staying the same.

I can do this. I WILL be thin and not this fat, disgusting cow I am now.

Anxiety

I had the worst anxiety last night! My sister had a house warnming dinner (just for family) and I went in planning to count my points and not break my diet but it didn't happen. I ate, and then knowing if I stopped eating straight away I wouldn't be able to throw up cause we wouldn't leave straight away I kept on eating! From the moment I stopped ( i kept drinking sprite zero) my anxiet level went through the roof I was practically climbing the walls, I nearly started crying! I didn't have my car with me so had to wait until mum and dad wanted to leave it was awful! I haven't felt that way in such a long time! So we finally got home and I went straight in and threw up but you never bring EVERYTHING up. It's my weigh in tomorrow with WW and I'm totally freaked out! I know I've ruined! Ruined it for one fcking meal! How could I be so, so stupid?!? As well as throwing up I downed some laxatives so I'm hoping to have at the very least stayed the same. I hope I haven't gained!

I'm back on track today, but that isn't going to make a difference.

Psychiatrists

I know I should really see my shrink. I've been feeling bad, not leaving the house and the cutting as well but I just can't be bothered. I mean she hasn't changed my thinking in nearly 10 years so what's the point of seeing her?

I'm not sure if it is just my shrink or they all do it but whenever she suggests something like CBT it's about sending me to someone else, nutritionist send me to someone else it's like she doesn't want to do anything and I wonder if they are all like this or it is just mine? Is it because they aren't qualified to do it I know nutrionist is different but can't they do pretty much everything else? Or is it really just medication that they can give you?

I know I need to see her but I won't, not while I'm this fat.

Liebster Blog Award

Sorry guys haven't been on for awhile so only just realised that I have been nominated! Don't actually know what the Liebster Blog Award is cause i haven't been reading other blogs for ages, just can't be bothered doing anything. But will look at them after this and see what's what.
Want to say a HUGE thanks to Judith Marie - dying.for.perfection http://prioritythin.blogspot.com.au/?zx=a17af06cd9b0f75b for nominating me! Also want to thank Miss Bones Jackson for a nomination but I can't get onto your page!

The Rules.

In your next blog post....
1.Thank the person/people who nominated you & Include a link to their blog.
2.Include 11 things about yourself.
3.Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4.Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers.
5.Create 11 questions for them to answer.
6.Let them know you nominated them.

11 Things about me:

1. I'm 25 years old
2. I'm Australian
3. I spend my life looking after other peoples children and sometimes raising them in ways I don't agree with as a Nanny
4. I've never had a proper boyfriend
5. I love cake decorating and wish I was better at it
6. I HATE clothes shopping it makes me want to take to my bed and never get out
7. I love Harry Potter!
8. I used to play netball and was really good, I was in a rep team until things turned to shit
9. I have very few friends
10. I am a very fussy eater even if I didn't have an ED!
11. I have no idea what I want in life

Dying.For.Perfection's Questions

1. How would your life be different if you didn't have an ED?

How would my life be different? I don't know! I don't know if I would have chosen the same career or what. I know I would have finished high school and gone on to study something at uni. I wouldn't have lost my friends.
2. Thinspiration or reverse thinspiration and why?

Mostly thinspiration cause that's what I want to look like! If I exercise and stick to my diet I'll look beautiful like that one day too. Occasionally reverse thinspo as i don't want to look like that EVER!
3. Favourite item of clothing?

Dresses/ skirts!  I don't own any jeans or trousers I'm too fat to wear them.
4. What is your dream holiday?

Really want to go to Africa!
5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (can't be body related!)

Everything! I guess I would like to be smarter more well read and know things about politics and that.
6. Besides your ED, what is your next biggest problem?

Depression and self harm
7. How much do you think the fashion industry has contributed to your ED?

Not in the development in my disorder at all. I was never interested in fashion and fashion magazines. Now however I use them as thinspiration and long for a body like they have.
8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Would you ever get any?

Have my ears pierced. Nothings else and no tattoos. Wouldn't get any.
9. How does your ED affect your relationships?

I've never been in a relationship with a guy.I lost all my friends. New people I meet I feel I'm always hiding something from.
10. If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?

Roast chicken with roast pot. yorkshire pudding, or chicken kiev with chips. Ben and Jerry ice cream!
11. What is top of your bucket list?

Honestly not sure. Well to lose weight but other than that I don't know what i want in life.

 

I'm going to go and have a look at peoples blogs again before I make my nominations as I'm so behind on blogs at the moment.

Lost again.

Was excited for weigh in yesterday lost another 1.6kg! Which isn't as good as the first week but I suppose I can't really expect to lose that much every week. In two weeks I've lost 5% of my body weight which is a decent effort. But need to do so much more.
One of my friends said today that I'm looking too thin. For half a second it made me feel good, made me smile but after that split second I was annoyed. I hate people saying that to me when I'm so clearly not! It just makes me so angry!

I cut again two days ago, stressing out about weigh in and just generally feeling like shit. I just wanted to cry so I cut instead. The urge is coming back again today.

I just hate that I have nothing in my life. Absolutely nothing! Well I've got family ofcourse but they don't count. i want somethign of my own, anything!

The family I used to work for asked me to go away with them this weekend, I'm not. I can think of nothing I would rather do less, which is quite worrying cause they have always been my sanity. Always. And I would always put everything else off to spend more time with them and now I just can't be bothered.

Lost and Depressed.

I haven't written for awhile, but for a change it hasn't been because I've been bad on my diet it's just because I've been a fat, lazy cow. On Thursday morning I had Weight Watchers weigh in and for my first week I lost 3.2kg. I was so excited, but now it is Sunday that has all vanished. This time last week I had already lost a decent amount but this week I've only lost .4, I can't handle this, it's freaking me out! I need to lose it, I need to lose all this fat.

I'm officially an aunty. I'm definately excited but not as much as I thought I would be. Why did I come back for something that really has nothing to do with me? I've got nothing in this country. I've got 1 friend, we don't go out. I live at home with mum and dad. I've got nothing. But then the thought of moving back to London of having to find another job and another place to live just fills me with dread.

I just need to lose this fat and I will be happier.

Doing ok...

Haven't been writing regularly which is terrible!

I have been doing fairly well since my weigh in on Thursday for weight watchers. Knowing that someone is going to weigh me in is really helping me this week. Also the fact that I felt sick Thursday and Friday worked well for me. I'm allowed to have 27 points each day but have stayed well below that until today when I hit 27.
Wondering what is going to happen at weigh in on Thursday bit annoyed cause I didn't realise you aren't sposed to take your shoes off (which I did) so this week I won't weigh too much less cause I have to add shoes :(

Weight Watchers.

Eeeek I've got my first weigh in and meeting at weight watchers tomorrow. I know it's going to bad, REALLY bad but I'm prepared for it, so hopefully I won't freak myself out too much. I'm also going down to join the gym tomorrow as well, it is time to get my fat arse into gear. It is just getting ridiculous! 

My  goal for my first week in weight watchers is to lose 1kg to 1.5kg... I know not a huge amount but baby steps!

Can't get back on track.

I just can't keep myself on track. It's bloody terrible. I feel like such a fat crap piece of shit. I generally avoid mirrors at all costs but I'm now thinking if I make myself stand in front of the  mirror for a few minutes before my shower and actually look I will be so revolted that I may actually stick to a decent calorie intake. 

I'm going to start weight watchers. My first weigh in will be on Thursday, but will start counting points tomorrow. I really think if a complete stranger is weighing me in each week (which is mortifying in itself) then that will make we work really hard to lose something cause I don't want them to think I'm a fat cow.

Things were good until dinner time tonight. But I'm hoping my 10km walk this morning helps me which means dinner wasn't as bad as it actually could have been.

My sisters, mum and I went wedding dress shopping for L today and she found something (ofcourse looked absolutely stunning in it as well!) I had to try on a few bridesmaid dresses as K couldn't do it being ready to pop and everything. I looked awful! Don't get me wrong I loved the dress... on the hanger. But I can't be a fat bridesmaid I just can't!

Fingers crossed I have a decent day with food tomorrow!

724 calories

Not a complete disaster. Better then the day before but still ALOT of room for improvement!  I haven't done any exercise since being home ANY which is making me feel like a fat fuck. I will get back into it on Monday though after all the frantic cooking and cleaning for the baby shower tomorrow. I'm going to be so thin and beautiful for Christmas!

Ruined yet again.

So I ruined yet another day. I'm sitting on approx 1100 calories, I'm hoping it's actually less than this cause I do like to over estimate if I don't know exactly how much it is. FUCK I'm close enough to fucking obese as it is without adding even more fat to my body!
Tomorrow should be a good day though as I can't go anywhere cause I've got so many jobs to do to get ready for the baby shower. Making cakes and chocolates and cleaning are the jobs for tomorrow. Hoping to be around 500-600 calories 800 at worst, so fingers crossed for that. Although knowing what a big fat fuck I am I will probably go over. I'll also try and fit in some exercise tomorrow too.

I miss London so much. I miss my friends. I'm so bored?

Ruined the day!

I was going so well until this afternoon.
Total calories for today as around 918. Fuck me, i'm sposed to be doing good. I've gained since last weeks weigh in, can't quite remember how much I was last week but I do know it's more this week.

I hate being this fat. I am just so disgusted, even just sitting here typing this with my arm resting on my stomach is revolting me wanting me to just die. I hate it. I hate it so much.

Back down under

So have been back for a few days, the first one spent mostly sleeping. After no stopping in Singapore which the flight normally does, and sitting up for 14.5 hours straight I was over it. At least before that you get to get of in Dubai cause after the first 7.5 hours you're over it and that work around the airport really helps!

Apart from a meal last night for my sisters birthday and a lunch today that I have to go out for I haven't been bad food wise since coming home. Yes I could be a hole lot better but that will come tomorrow. I will be so busy for the rest of the week making and decorating and cleaning for my sisters baby shower on Sunday  I won't have a chance to eat crap.

I hate being home. I have nothing to do, I have no one. The only good thing is my mum has stopped with the ' oh you should see you dr' or 'don't forget to eat something', 'what have you eaten today'. I assume since I have survived nearly two years overseas she thinks everything is gone, done. But the comments will start again soon enough as soon as she realizes it has never really stopped. Not in nearly 10 years, yah I got fat, but my thoughts have never changed, inside my head has never changed, not for a second.

Anxiety

I have had the worst anxiety today! Talking myself down on the bus you know the usual everything will be ok, it's ok stop freaking out! Cause I am! I am completely freaking out about going home. I don't want to, I want to stay in London. I should be excited about seeing my family. I'm not. All they are going to think is how fat I am, I know it. And I really want to fast as soon as I get home (the day after I land) but I know my mum will be watching me. I've wanted to cut so badly lately but have been resisting. I've only got 2 full days left in London. FARRRRRRRRRRRRK!

-0.4

So had a miserable weight loss this week, but I guess at least it was something. 0.4kg. I don't expect to lose this week as I will pretty much be eating non stop over the weekend (stupid birthdays and leaving drinks).
This is my last Friday in London :(  but am looking forward to getting home and doing some serious dieting.

Fat Cow

A fat cow is all I am.
My diet is completely and utterly fucked at the moment. I just can't stop eating. I know I will be able to do so much better when I get home but fuck I can't keep eating until then I will be the size of a freaking house.

Fraud

I feel like a complete fraud writing today.
I screwed things up big time with my food. At the markets I went to today I was going well then just thought screw it and had 2 pieces of pizza and a nutella crepe. Then on the way home I got McDonald's, that one I did throw up but I was way to late to undo the damage of the afternoon.
I just want to rewind time to when I could fast for days and days on end. Maybe when I move home and have literally nothing to do and no flatmates to try and be normal for I will get things back on track again.

Will try my hardest to stay strong tomorrow.

821.

BLAH! 821 calories for today. I am really annoyed at that! And I didn't do that exercise DVD again cause my legs are just so sore from doing to yesterday. I did walk around London for a good 4 hours though so hoping that means I didn't do too much damage with the high calories.
I'm glad to be back on track, should  make it through the weekend too. The next thing I have to worry about is brunch on Wednesday morning for my friends birthday. Then I have high tea with my boss (or ex boss now) on Thursday then on the weekend I have the same friends birthday dinner/drinks then on Sunday my own leaving dinner/drinks. So I'm pretty much fucked next week but I'm hoping if I'm really good up until then and then they are all one bad meal (hopefully not to bad) days I won't do too much damage.

I keep on getting emails from family and the few friends I have back home asking me if I'm getting excited and that everyone there is super excited. I can't really write back and say that I'm fucking dreading going home and don't want to leave London anymore.

Will try to be strong all weekend.

Sort of decent day.

So I'm sitting on 531 calories for the day. Although it is only 6:00pm so could have a disaster yet... I'm hoping I don't though! I even did a random exercise DVD this afternoon I was that bored. It is all I have now that I have cancelled my gym membership and I accidently packed all my 'gym jackets' so can't even go walking if I don't want to die of hypothermia.

I haven't left the house today which has and hasn't helped. Helped with the not eating a huge amount but most of the day I've just wanted to cut! So tomorrow I am going into Covent Garden and going to the National Portrait Gallery. Have also just booked Wicked the musical for Monday night. Need to fill up my days so I don't go completely crazy!



Damn it!! I was doing so well. Unfortunately didn't make my in the 500s I have a total of 601 calories for the day. FUCK IT 2 calories. But I shall try again tomorrow.
I was so proud of myself my flatmates ordered pizza, I so badly wanted some but when he asked me (when he was ordering) I was like noooooooo before I had a chance to think about it too much and then of I wanted some but I couldn't really ask for theirs :) great!!!

Too FAT!!!!

WHY can't I stop eating?! Why?!
This shit is so fucked up.

I will be under 600 calories tomorrow I WILL! I just need to get one day done then I won't want to ruin it, it's the first day that is the hardest.

I'm dreading moving home. Although very crazy do actually want to see my shrink.... although I also really really don't. She won't have to ask what I've done with the nearly 18months I've been overseas she'll just think to herself 'oh yah you go fat!' so I won't be able to see her until I have lost weight. A decent amount of weight too.

Unemployment really doesn't sit well with me. I swear if I was every properly unemployed and couldn't find work I would be morbidly obese.

This is what I am about to become....

If I don't stop eating this is what I will become! I have gained another kg. I fucking hate it. My goal was to go back home thin and pretty, now I'm even fatter. I fucking hate it!
I've spent today packing up boxes to ship home, I originally thought most of my clothes would come in my suitcase but dress after dress after dress I pulled out could go into a box cause it doesn't fit me! My new goal is to fit into EVERYTHING I have shipped home by the time it reaches me in Australia. So that will be quite awhile so very doable!

No work.

So my first week that I don't have to work. I thought I would be excited. I'm not at all. 

Although at least tomorrow I will be distracted with a cake course. 

I just want to cut.

Prada, Prada, Prada.

So my boss took me to Harrods today to buy my leaving present. I got a prada dress, blue that I'm inlove with. A yellow prada handbag, and then blue shoes to go with!
I tried on so much stuff. There were so many things I hated, well not hated the dress hated them on me. I just wanted to break down and cry but I'm just like 'you're with your boss you have to keep it together' I was quite proud I managed to.
I just want to lose some weight and I'm sure it will look even better.

Weigh in....

So weigh in wasn't as bad as I was thinking it would be. I did gain 100 grams, but I thought I was going to be a minimum 1.5kg!!!
I do need to get everything sorted though!
I've been so stressed with all this packing and getting things into line. And then even more so now I got an email from my mum my uncle (who is VERY sick with cancer and has basically given up) caught the garage on fire and my aunty hears a bang at 1am and goes in and there he is in the middle with dressing gown on fire she manages to get him out and call fire brigade and police. He's now in hospital with 3rd degree burns and they can't do skingraph cause he was in such a bad way after chemo that they have nowhere to take it from.

I'm stressed about leaving work. Although the nanny replacing me who has been following me around for the week seems really lovely.

Life is crazy and hectic and I don't like it. I just need to stop eating all this crap then things will balance out.

Off with my boss to shop for my leaving present. God the last thing I want to do is go around Harrods trying on clothes. I feel like a fucking obese heffa.

Can't stop eating.

This is just getting ridiculous I just can't stop eating. I have GOT to stop.
I was going so well for awhile there now I have screwed everything up. I'm so scared to weigh in on Wednesday as I know I would have gained a lot.  I thought about skipping my morning weigh but I think I need to be faced with the disgusting facts and then maybe I will get my fat bum into gear.

Off to Bath!!!

I'm so excited we are having a girls weekend in Bath, leave tomorrow morning. Just one night wish we were going longer but impossible.

Things have been so busy I've just spent two nights at work when M's mum was away in Scotland. Tired.

I only have one week left. Everything is going too fast. I'm gaining weight. I hate it. I need to get my eating back into some sort of respectable pattern. After this weekend its on like donkey kong.

I gained on Wednesday  A LOT can't remember exact number so will have to put it in next post.

My goal is to lose every week until I go home, even if its just 100 grams or something I just have to STOP gaining.

Will try and write properly on Monday. My head is crazy at the moment.

I hate it.

I hate being this fat. I just hate it so much, despise it. Not it MYSELF.

I do I have to be like this? Someone that no one is ever going to love. Not unless I'm thin. I'm not beautiful or pretty, I can't get away with being fat. I need to be thin. I can't stand being this size, I just want to cut it all away, get rid of it all.

30 Followers

I've reached 30 follower woo! I know to a lot of you that isn't a lot but  I'm excited. It means 30 people have read my blog thirty people have thought to themselves, I get that, or that isn't such bad reading I might want to find it again one day. Probably for tips or tricks to try and not turn out like the fat ugly person that I have turned in to. I wish you luck!

My plan to not throw up has not been going well.

I've got the urge to email my shrink. Don't know why she never fucking replies anyway.

Lost :)

A loss or this week. Not a lot, but considering the crap I've been eating it is a small miracle. So have lost 0.9kg which I know is NOTHING but I'm so relieved I didn't gain again. I want to lose another 3.1 in 2 weeks and one day which is doable but only if I'm really good.

I did not start off my only 2 weeks to lose 3.1 today I am sitting on around 700 (maybe 800 GAH) calories. But now I've got my small goal that I really want to reach I want to try hard. And I'm hoping these diet pills will help on those days that my willpower breaks. I'm not sure they will do all that much as they are sposed to stop you absorbing so much fat and stuff after meals and they say to have them straight after meals and take an extra one if you've had an extra big or fatty meal but my problem isn't the meals. It's the snacks I have throughout the day like the 35 cal biscuits that I nibble on or the bits of M's food when I feed him that is my real downfall which I don't think the tablets will help.

I hears hoping.

I've been throwing up A LOT lately most nights. Need to give it a break, not for my help but that last thing I need is for things to clog up :/

All the boxes to pack up my stuff arrived today. I don't want to move home. I know I've said that before, but I can't tell anyone else, especially my family!

FAAATTTT!

I hate being this FAT and disgusting.

I hate this so much! I was alright today nowhere near as good as I should have been though. I think I finished on 620 calories :(

I picked up some diet pills I'm trying from boots today hopefully they will help things along. Weigh in on Wednesday I am dreading! I know I've gained again and it makes me want to cry.

Just booked my stuff to be shipped home, how depressing, more and more I'm wanting to stay in London.
Boxes will all arrive on Wednesday.

Gained :(

So as expected I had gained on Wednesdays weigh in. 1.1kg fuck I was mortified, still am. I do think my scales are broken though cause this morning 2 days later I was down again -.4 more! Which I am not really happy with cause I know it just isn't true. The last three nights I have been eating soo much (at least 700 cals) but luckily throwing it all up. So the scales probably only read that cause I may be dehydrated or something.

I've been so exhausted lately. Literally in bed by 9:30! I'm like a grandma.

I have got to be down by next Wednesday, I mean properly down not this pretend down that is happening today. I can be fairly good tomorrow, have got a lunch on Sunday GRRRR! But then Monday Tuesday I plan to be perfect days, hoping I have the willpower.

How to ruin a day, without fail.

So how do you make sure you have completely ruined your entire day by 6am? You weigh yourself.
It was one of those ones where I shouldn't be weighing cause I try to only weigh myself on a Wednesday or I get to obsessed about it, but I needed to see how much damage I had done. And boy have I done a lot, in less than a week too. I was hoping and praying that it wouldn't be much and sort of convincing myself that it can't be bad, I was dead wrong! I won't tell you how much I've gained.. I will save that for my official weigh in on Wednesday no doubt my fat self will gain even more by then.

I hate myself.

I'm sorry I'm so fat.

FUCK,FUCK,FUCK.

My flat mate has just made me brownies. She also says I need to eat more normally. Fuck off.

I googled myself before turns out another me is a complete fitness freak and shit rumours of her being anorexic... its like its a sign.

I need to be better. I'm going to gain this week I know it.

Thinspo

After a two terrible days of eating... well not really days. I ate 1 very bad meal on each day... I was in need of some thinspiration to get me back on track.

Damn It

Couldn't avoid the dinner as it was at our place, but was a bit excited when flat mate said she was going to cook something I didn't like. I get a text message when I'm at work though saying she forgot to defrost the sausages and we're going to get take away instead. AHHHHHHHHH! So pizza for dinner last night and then  out to dinner tonight. Hopefully I won't do too much damage tonight.

Two meals out of the week though isn't as bad as last week so I am hoping that I still might be able to lose something by Wednesday. Something, ANYTHING!

No avoiding it!

So as I was not replying to my friends message about dinner tomorrow night another friend said she couldn't go as was working. I thought brilliant we won't have to go. No such luck apparently, we're now not going out but having them over here. Now there is no fucking avoiding it.

I was terrible today I just couldn't stop eating. I need to get myself back into control if I want to loose weight this week, I can't gain, I just can't. This is what I do I get rid of a tiny bit of fat then I eat and put it straight back. I got up to 708 calories today, I'm absolutely mortified. Yes I did burn over half of those off at them gym so net was 406 but I don't do net. If I put it in my mouth it's counted and if I work it off that's just a bonus. FUCK.

I need my willpower again. I need to be thin.

I DIDN'T GAIN!!!

I DIDN'T GAIN! I DIDN'T GAIN! I DIDN'T GAIN!
In fact I lost, 0.5kg, which I know is absolutely fuck all but I'm just so stoked that I didn't gain! Woooo!
Was a bit naughty today, I was just so hungry by the end of the day and was off to the gym again so ate a bit extra (I couldn't even make it through my work out.. gutted!) Today's calories are approx 625 GAH disgusting but  I am going to try and work really hard this week and keep my food on track. And I'm not giving up on my running up just cause I couldn't make it through tonight I will try again on Friday (swimming tomorrow night).

Crap my friend has just messaged and wants to know if I want to do something Friday evening. Ignoring it at the moment, kidding myself it will go away. I really need to be good if I can loose a little big with the amount I ate last week if I'm really good I might have a decent weight loss again for my next weigh in.

I'm so tired. 12hr work days plus going to the gym again are really starting to exhaust me.

5 Weeks to go...

Only 5 weeks of work left. Thank goodness! I feel bad saying that but I'm just so over it. Today my boss was 'working' from home and when I was down slaving away in the kitchen to cook M's dinner while he was asleep she came down to talk to me. Saying she's done so much work today she's deleted 900 emails from her inbox. Then told me she was going to duck out to the shops as she doesn't take enough breaks at work and that's why she gets headaches. Told me I probably don't take enough breaks either, but she supposes that's alright cause I don't sit in front of a computer all day. I felt like screaming at her, yah you're right I don't sit on my ass infront of a computer everyday I am up and out and going for 12hrs looking after your child lucky to sit down for 5 mins all day so stop sitting there whining at me.

On a more important note I have had  good day food wise. Total of 436 calories plus a trip the the gym. I am absolutely dreading my weigh in on Wednesday I know I've gained so really today and tomorrow is being good just trying to not gain anymore.

I hate being this fat. I HATE IT!

Bad Day

Yesterday was a bad day calorie wise. A VERY bad day. Even though I planned it, even though I said a week ago on Saturday I can eat whatever I still feel like absolute shit today. I can't believe I ate as much as I did, I'm mortified and disgusted. I just want to cut away all my fat. I truly hate it!

All I think of is I've gained weight, that I'm going to be up on my next Wednesday weigh in. I haven't weighed, I can't face it. But I know I will still be up on Wednesday. I always do this, I lose a little bit then I gain it back so when I lose again it doesn't even fucking count I'm just loosing weight that I've put on. I think if I'm good today, Monday and Tuesday all I can really hope for is staying the same, but even that is a big ask.

I can't handle this shit, being this fat and awful. Everything I put in my mouth is just making me fatter and fatter and fatter.

I shall be updating my blog as much as possible and telling you what I'm doing to keep me on track, I think this Wednesday is lost to me but if I am good from now until the weigh in after next I should lose a decent amount, Olympics are over and I'm sure I can talk people out of any plans they want to arrange (nothing booked in yet).

It's midday. I had some Snack a Jacks for breakfast for 92 calories. Until weigh in after next I am going to try my hardest to have 500 (or under) every day, which I am generally good at it is just when I have to go out and socialize that things start getting hard. Also going to try and go to the gym 5 times a week. 4 times next week cause I have to work late on Tuesday night.

I can do this.

I can be thin!

I just want to be thin!

I'm in DESPERATE need of thinspiration!

Lost 3.3 lbs!

Weigh in today and I've lost 1.5kg (3.3lbs) super excited about that cause its been awhile since I've lost a decent amount. Actually a lie I lost more than that the week before last :/ but that seems ages ago. 

Have got extra Paralympic tickets for tomorrow night. Wheelchair Rugby really looking forward to it cause it looks amazing! Just need to be strong with the food. I'm going straight from work so can say I've already eaten.... it's just a matter of me sticking to it.

I think the only bad day this week will be Saturday as going to Paralympics again but going early morning for half the day and then maybe to the movies with the same people so can't really get away with eating very little so am going to have to eat some sort of normal meal with them. So hopefully if I stay on track all the other days I might loose a decent amount of weight next week too :). 

I'm on such a high from the scales, I lost it during the day, but its back :)

Today's Calories

Just a quick one cause I'm super tired, didn't get home from watching Wheelchair basketball until after midnight.. which was amazing by the way!

So today's calories were a total of 438 with a trip to the gym too :).

I'm slightly more hopeful for my weigh in on Wednesday.

Admitting....

My good intentions of updating my blog every night again sort of went out the window. Not because I've been bad I promise, well not until today. I just couldn't be bothered, I just can't be bothered doing anything. Since my last blog my calories have been in the 500s or 400s until today when I went out to lunch with friends, well actually we went to the markets and apparently had to have lunch too :/ . The only thing I could think about was wanting to throw up, I didn't which made me feel like crap the rest of the day. I'm hoping one day being bad won't do too much damage. I'm still hoping for a loss this week, so fingers crossed.

Got some Paralympics tomorrow YAY! Wheelchair basketball. Aussie vs somebody can't remember but I'm super stoked I finally get to see Australia doing something! I just need to be strong and not eat even if everyone else is, I need to be strong!

Food for today.

Ok as I said yesterday to try and keep me on track I am going to put up everything I have eaten every day. See below. Went alright could have gone better. Nothing much to report just a boring day of work, work, work.

Breakfast: Ryvita with a scrape of vegemite = 35 calories

Lunch: 1/2 packet of Uncle Ben's Express Mexican Style Rice = 198 calories

Dinner: Snack a Jacks = 89 calories

Snacks: Snack a Jacks and some grapes = 176 calories

Total: 498 calories

Unfortunately I was a fat cow today and didn't go to the gym but I am going tomorrow night to continue my running app.

So worried about tomorrows weigh in. I know I've gained the question is how much damage have I done?

Flight Booked.

I booked my flight home yesterday, scary! On the 1st November I will being leaving London flying back home to Australia. To the place I had nothing in the first place which is why I left. Am I being really stupid going back? I can't ask anyone, my family would be heart broken if they thought it even crossed my mind. I say it will be different this time, I will actually make an effort, make friends (as I lost all the ones I once had), I'll go out. But will I? I only did it over here cause I had to.I had to look normal I had to do something or I would not have survived. But back home it is all so easy to not do anything to go to work and come home and go to work again and you realise the entire week has passed and you have seen no one but your parents and your sister who you are fighting with but you can't remember why - only that it's you're fault.

I'm embracing my blog fully again. I will write down every day what I have eaten and be judged accordingly. That is the only way. I have had a terrible week, since Friday and my mum's care parcel arrived. I will have gained this week, even knowing it, it will send a shudder down my spine on Wednesday when it's confirmed as I weigh in. I just need to have 2 good weeks, that will get me back into the swing of things.

I've been throwing up a lot lately. In fact for the last 4 days. The scary thing is now I actually go out and buy food knowing that I will throw it straight back up. I never used to do that. Back in the day I was fine eating it saying I wouldn't throw it up I had been good all week and it was only when I got to the end with that full feeling that made me feel revolting that it just had to come up. Now even before the first mouthful I know it can't stay in me. I'm too fat for that.

I really feel like cutting, I've resisted so far, haven't done in a month or two, can't remember. I don't know how much longer I can resist it though its getting stronger and stronger.

FUCK!

I swear my mother has a sixth sense for when I'm doing well on a diet and BANG that's when the care parcel arrives. Fuck me! Full of food that I love from back home so I haven't had it in ages. I tried to be strong I really did. And I was going so well it was 6pm and had only had 345 calories for the day. But I royally screwed up. In went chocolate after chocolate after chocolate and then some chips. I tried to throw up afterwards but since I hadn't planned on having a binge and thought I might actually have some self control I wasn't drink while I was eating which means I didn't bring much up at all.

I'm gutted.

I was going to have the day off the gym tomorrow, but now I'll have to do extra in the hopes I can be forgiven by Wednesday weigh in. Fingers crossed if I'm good the rest of the week the scales won't go up. PLEASE don't let them go up.

Been awhile...

Feels like ages since I last posted, I've gotten so lazy (and tired!). I haven't been bad in my absence, well not all bad anyway. I even managed to lose 1.6kg on my Wednesday weigh which really surprised me the amount of food I had eaten, I had on had 3 really good days in the entire week one alright day and the rest were rubbish!

Have been to the gym 3 times this week and will go again on Saturday, I haven't been in so long so just taking it easy before I got back to every day.

Shall post properly this weekend it being a bank holiday and all I will actually get time!

A Girl Can Dream...

Can't she????

One day at a time.

Until I get passed these few times I have to go out and actually be social I am not doing any set diet, just trying to keep my calories low. Cause if I started a proper diet like the ABC again I will have ruined cause I find it quite hard to count calories in a restaurant, yes I can guess but what if I am out I would have gone over calories and not even know it! That freaks me out.

Today I did really well. Finally! My total calories was 429. And walked home which burnt 469!! So if you work in net I'm on -40 but since I don't work in net (damn) I'm still on 429. lol.

I still can't get the comments of I can be really beautiful I've just need to reach my potential out of my head. Everything they said just keeps on going round and round in my head. I guess I should be greatful, its the kick start I needed.

Friends are annoying.

So turns out friends are really fucking annoying when you are trying to diet!  Never really had the problem before cause never really had much of a social life. But it was my friends birthday on Monday and everyone had arranged to go out to dinner on Wednesday so I made up the excuse that I had to babysit after work, thinking I would just go to the gym. No such fucking luck! They changed the day especially for me to Thursday grrrr! We're doing tapas so hopefully can get away with not eating much at all. But to make matters even worse my flat mate says tonight so are you all set for Saturday and I'm like 'Saturday????' and she says for H's birthday. I'm just like WHAT I thought that's what Thursday was for but oh no we are going out Saturday as well. Fuck me.
I'm not going to let this ruin me though. I'm still starting my diet tomorrow. Going to have a max of 500 calories then I'm walking home from work. Thursday I'm not too stressed about yet as I'm not working I'm hoping to just save up all my calories for dinner and just pick at it. Saturday I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.

Was better off when I had no life.

Reach your potential.

My boss told me tonight (M's Dad) that if was very beautiful and that if I only ate properly and did some more exercise that I could look really good. That I've got potential and I can be really beautiful. Was a bit more of a blow when M's mother agreed. Just a few kgs.

I know it's true and I say it to myself all the time..well not the I'm beautiful part lol. Just hate hearing it from people, like I know that's whAt people think I'm a fat heffa.

That's what I'm going to do. Reach my potential.

Gah

Was doing alright with my eating today until I got a craving for nothing I particular just food in general. I went up and cooked a sausage and piece of toast... It just wasn't worth it thought and I ended up throwing half of it in the bin.

Went for a huge walk today in the woods 2 hrs and 15 minutes was completely exhausted after it as most of climbing up! Also did. My 100 laps in the pool. I'm hoping it makes up a little bit for the rubbish dinner I had last night.. Which I did throw up but I still ate it like the fat pig that I am.

I have a question for all you have that have decent blogs out there how do I write on my other page?  I have one but can't for the life of me work out how to put stuff on it.

I had a dream about my shrink last night. I went there but she or I (we couldn't work out which) had got the days mixed up so she was busy and couldn't see me so booked me another appointment for the next day and went back to this group of girls. I was really upset about it.
I have actually been thinking about emailing her and telling her I am moving home at the end of the year but as if  she would care she is paid to pretend to are!

I'm totally psyched  about starting my diet on Wednesday my sister and I are going to email each other every week to say how much we have lost. I rSally think knowing that she is loosing is really the thing I need to keep me on track and motivated.

Trip cancelled

I'm really annoyed I went online to book my trip to Egypt etc and it wasn't on the site which means its all booked out or they don't do that date anymore, which was what I was planning everything around. Hve emailed them just to make sure I'm not missing it on the site, but I'm gutted! So now I don't know what to do. Work for another month and save the money/ still finish on the 12th October and go home then or try and find another tour that starts around the 21st don't know where in the world I want to go.. I really had my heart set on the Egypt trip.

Had a rubbish day today. After another good day yesterday with 400 and something calories I had over 600 calories today!!! Gah. I don't know how many exactly but was between 600 and 1000 definitely didn't go over 1000. I just want to cry! My only hope for this time in Norway is that I haven't gained too much since my last official weigh in.

I'm all set to start being really good on the Wednesday, the day after we get back to London. My sister is starting the 12 week challenge at the gym back home which I'm hoping knowing she is loosing loads of weight each week will help motivate me to keep going.

Good Day :)

So with 486 calories to my name today, it is fairly decent. I've just got out of the pool after doing 100 laps and 90 squats. Also with a 30 minute walk to the lake. There is a lot of room for improvement  but it's a start. I just need to remember what a good feeling this gives me when I get off track again.

I've just started reading a new book on anorexia to use as thinspiration. Working well I'm hoping it will keep me in line.

Going Home!

Off the island and back in Oslo where my wi-fi works YAY!
It's official I am moving back to Australia. Last day of work is the 12th October then I've got one week in London before doing a 20 day trip to Egypt, Israel and Jordon then heading home.

Now that we are back in Oslo I hAv got to get things back on track. It's not like I have been eating really huge meals or anything I've just been grazing through out the day which is really bad! Don't know how much damage I've done (thank goodness) cause I have not scales here. I have to get my shit together.

I CAN NOT GO HOME FAT! I can't this situation is getting desperate! Wish I could buy I tape warm *sigh*

Can't weigh in

I don't have the guts to weigh in tomorrow morning. I've done so much damage over the weekend I revolt myself.  In my defense I know I would have gained (or at optimistic best not lost) as I've eaten a lot of crap, it's that time of the month plus it's two day early so am being nice and not weighing. I think if I weighed and had the gain confirmed it would do a lot worse for me. At the moment I just need to get my eating back on track.
Tomorrow I'm not going over 600 calories, which I know is a lot compared to how good I was going, but baby steps.

Back to Norway tomorrow, only have to survive 3.5 days since I don't arrive till very late tomorrow afternoon then leave mid Friday afternoon to come back to London for more Olympics. I'm so excited!

I've never much been into sports, participating or watching. But this year I can't get enough of the Olympics. The atmosphere in London is amazing at the moment. Went to the Opening Ceremony on Friday which was just brilliant. Loved the Queen, 007 bit. Everyone sitting around me was like is that her did she really jump oh my gosh. I'm just thinking to myself oh please they did not just make the 80 something year old queen jump out of a helicopter haha. loved that people believed it though. It was great.

Two of my favourite pictures that I took. Tried my hardest to get a decent photo of the queen but just couldn't, gutted! I did get a few and I can make her out but I think that's only because I know where she is like anyone else looking at it wouldn't know. At least I can say I was in the same stadium as the queen. lol. I couldn't care less about the royals since moving to London, now I'm totally into them, weird.

Fatter when I've lost weight?

Won't post tonight as will be at the opening ceremony. Just about to leave and do some shopping before hand. How is it possible that the dress I am wearing looks worse than the last time I wore it when I've lost weight since them? How the fuck does that work? How come I'm just getting fatter??? Think I will have to fast tomorrow to try and stop this!!

My love of fasting.

I completely forgot how much I loved to fast. It was my fast day yesterday and was hoping I would stick to it and I DID! Not 1 calorie passed my lips, I was on a high all day long. I forgot how amazing it made me feel how superior to everyone it makes me feel! I need to do more of them!

On another note I am back in London for the Olympic Opening Ceremony tomorrow night I am beyond excited! Unfortunately I have to go back to Norway and the island on Monday but at least I get a little break... and another one next weekend too :) I don't think I could survive there this time for three weeks without saying something very unprofessional.

I'm off to dream of future fasts. :)

-1.9

Currently writing from the land of Vikings! Annoyed with myself yet again I have gone 62 calories over my 500 allowance! Gutted! I thought I was safe but when I was double checking tonight I had miscalculated the size and AHHHHH! It's my fast day tomorrow which I will stick to. I'm still going to stick to the ABC as best I can but I have been over on two days now so I will definitely have to do it again when I finish. Maybe I will keep going with this one and then when we get back to London in mid August I can start it over and add in some walking to work then to really get rid of my fat arse self! Was hugely excited this morning when I weighed in (an entire day early remember) even after the terrible binge I have lost 1.9kg this week! :) :) finally something good. I really need to stick to it this week to see if I can lose that much again. Have to be strong and good! Will try and still post but going to the island tomorrow it does have wifi but not sure how good it is.

Off to Norway

Off to Norway in the morning BLAH! All I can think about is how hard it is going to be to restrict. It's not that I care what she thinks of me I just don't want the awkward questions.

Had a complete disaster of a day yesterday. I got to late afternoon and then had a complete binge, I did throw up but you never get it all up. So annoying I was doing so well. I did think of starting over again but I don't deserve that. After the revolting binge I deserve to get to the end of the diet and not be able to say I've done it, that's my punishment. And I then I might even have to do it again.
Although YAY for baby steps. Normally I binge and either ruin and get depressed so binge again for a few days or just not binge but just eat whatever. This time I binged and I have got straight back on track.

It's weigh in tomorrow. AHHHHHHHHH! Have to do it a day early cause we will be in Oslo. I'm hoping my binge wasn't bad enough that I've gained. Will be doing a lot of short weigh ins unfortunately. Next week will be a Monday,  then Monday then hopefully back to Wednesdays.

Fingers crossed.

We meet again

Here you are again my friend,

I've missed you.

But I knew, as did you, that you would return to me,

you always do.

Here you are on your hands,

kneeling before me, I am your master.

I see you looking down at your fat,

your fat thighs, your fat stomach,

your rolls upon rolls of flesh.

It makes you want to cry,

and you sit there blubbering away.

It's OK I croon,

your fingers can fix this.

If you had control and power you wouldn't be here with me,

if you didn't break our unwritten law,

I would not have called for you.

YOU ate it, you disgust me,

And you wonder why you're too fat for words.

I don't.

Trying to prevent a binge!

I have spent the entire day, pretty much, in bed trying not to eat. I have stuck to my 200 calories for today, had a total of 182. But all day I have just wanted to order a pizza with a garlic crust, and down a tub of ice cream and eat chocolate cake and just eat tasty fattening food. I have resisted though which is good.

Nothing else to write, as I've done nothing today. Am off to watch more Dexter to keep me out of the kitchen until bedtime.

Going strong

ABC Diet is still going strong, today's 100 calorie day went surprisingly well.  I think I mucked up a bit yesterday not completely sure what the calories were though so I'm going to say I went over (but I may not have) so  I will have less of my allowed calories tomorrow to make up for it. I don't feel bad doing that cause I was reading on the internet that there is really no rhyme  or reason to the specific days someone just wrote them down and that was it.

The scales say I have already lost weight... well yah 5 days I would bloody hope so but I don't think I've lost as much as they say. Why is it I always believe when I have a monster weight gain but not the loss?

So my sisters baby is officially a boy :) and I've started shopping, I'm thinking since it was conceived in London I would get a London suitcase (not a real one, just a touristy thing) and buy loads of clothes and things over here that they don't sell in Australia. I went into Ralph Lauren today (yes they do sell that in Aust, we're not that bad, but never go there) it was a bit depressing that the first time I shopped there and it isn't even for me. But they were having a huge sale so got three cute little outfits that my sister will LOVE.

Bit worried about Norway next week and keeping to the diet, I've really only got one day to worry about before I fly back for the Olympic opening ceremony but then I have to go back again :/ oh well I'll figure something out.

Actually had willpower!

Surprise, surprise today I actually had some willpower. For those of you who didn't just fall off you chair in dis-belief I shall tell you of power I possessed today. So took M for a play at a friends house and her nanny was like 'don't brink lunch for M I'll make them something' so without much hesitation off we went. Only to arrive and see that she had purchased pizza and garlic bread from Tesco (two of my most favourite things to eat). So lets leave out the fact that M isn't even allowed to eat stuff like that, all has to be home made by me. So there he was eating it and there it was smelly so good and Laura kept on offering me some and I kept on saying no, and she kept trying to tempt me. I said no I have some great chicken soup waiting for me when we get back and she said it would have as many calories as pizza and garlic bread. Laughed to myself yah right my 50 calorie soup is as much as pizza!

So any who managed to only have one small bite of M's pizza and one even smaller bite of his garlic bread. I got home to my revolting soup which I crumbled a Melba Toast (worth an entire 13 calories) to make believe I had some tasty croutons in it. I was so proud of myself.

Have stuck to my 300 calorie limit for the day... 299 to be precise. Maybe even a bit less cause I very much overestimated the calories for 2 bites of food, as I didn't want to under estimate and be over my allowance without realizing it.

The bad news of the day is I gained. 300 grams! Which I am not killing myself over as I'm on the ABC and it is giving me hope. Plus I have already lost since the start of this diet yay :) but considering I only lost what I put on the week before it doesn't count.

Am totally set for tomorrows 400 bit concerned about Fridays 100 but I'm sure I'll manage.

Crossing off day 2 :)

Am officially crossing off day two, although to be fair, it isn't much of a challenge at 500 calories I mean really that's a normal days intake. Didn't do any exercise, apart from walking to and from classes with M all day which would easily be about 3-4 miles added up, but that's alright as I'm not focusing on exercise.. do I ever lol. It's all about sticking to the food.

Weigh in tomorrow morning, dreading it!

Finally good day.

So restarted the ABC diet today, after my massive failure yesterday :/ and went really well. So was my 500 calorie day and had 454, plus I walked to work so really my net (which I don't count in AT ALL) is 104 so not too shabby at all. Didn't quite make it the entire way to work, only 1.5 hrs, I must have been walking slower than usual cause I only had 30 mins left for a 35 - 40 minute walk so hopped a bus most of the way then walked again at the end which got me there on time.

Two of the children we went for play dates last week have come out in chicken pox... is it bad that I am hoping M gets it so we don't have to fly? lol.

Today's success has really put me in a good mind for tomorrow. Just need to do the same cause it's a 500 day again.

Not looking forward to weigh in on Wednesday morning, I know I've gained I've been awful this week.

Ruined it.

Well surprise, surprise, I ruined it! I can't do anything right. But I will be starting the ABC diet tomorrow AND sticking to it. Went to the shops and got lots of different low calories foods so I am all set. I have also written it in my thinspiration book so I can't not do it cause then I would have ruined the entire book.

It sort of works out a bit better this way to. On the day I will be flying it will be about a 400 cal day (can't quite remember) which means I can eat something on the plane and then fast the next day where I can say I feel a bit ill or not that hungry and then the next day I fly out so even if she says something it will only be for one day. I come back for the weekend and have to get through 5 days with out too many questions before I fly back again. So hopefully it will work.. I just need to get my fat ass into gear and have some willpower.

I'm working to work again this week. Hopefully will help me stick to the diet even more. Everybody I tell that I'm working to work, which takes 2 hours, says I'm absolutely crazy and to stop doing it. Not my boss though she thinks it's good and when I don't do it says I should be. I wonder if she just doesn't want to employ my fat ass and wants me to lose weight.

I don't have an eating disorder.

Did another cupcake course today. Overall I liked it, but I was rubbish at it. I hate being bad at something when everyone else around you is good. Don't mind it if we are all bad, well I do but not as much.

Start the ABC diet tomorrow. I was so excited about it but now I'm just depressed again - it's all I seem to be lately. I was so positive about it that I am finally going to get rid of this fat that is engulfing my body. I just need to get in that positive frame of mind again. I'm on my own but I can do this! No one thinks I'm serious but I can do it.

Whenever I lose any weight my mum is like 'now don't do anything stupid, you don't want to go back where you were'. The thing is I never left. I got fat. I hate people saying 'you've come so far' I feel like screaming at them I haven't, I haven't! Nothings changed apart from me being fat. I hate it, I absolutely despise it.

I'm going to kick off the ABC diet with taking some laxatives tonight.


I don't have an eating disorder:
I'm too fat.

Definitely ABCing it!

I decided this afternoon, when feeling like the most obese person in the world while shopping, that I am going to start the ABC diet on Sunday. I don't know quite how it's going to go I will at the very least go until day 10 at which point I need to go to Norway for work. So I can try and keep doing it while away or just try and eat very little amounts and start again when I get home.

I've counted forward and the day we fly will be a fast day :/ which normally I could get away with, no one every being the wiser, but since I will be with my boss from morning until night she is obviously going to notice. I thought I could say I feel a bit sick, just not right to eat which could possibly get me past the fast day and if she notices me eating low the next day I could say I'm just building back up slowly don't want to risk being sick blah, blah, blah. But that would only work once, and she would start asking a lot of questions when the next fast day came around. I can get away with quite a lot cause she knows I'm such a fussy eater but she will notice if I just don't eat.

So haven't quite decided on the how yet, but it is definitely happening! I need something drastic to get my body out of this obese state it is in.

Don't know if I should stay or go.

I'm still stressing about if I should stay in London or go home.I thought I had made my mind up to go home but then I will have a nice weekend or something and think about staying in London. I also think about what it will be like if I move home... the same as before I left. My family and I get on great when we don't live together... well actually to be more accurate when I'm not in the same country. They say how much they miss me and want me home - they've just forgotten how much they hate me, how much we fight and how it is always, always my fault.

So I would go back to living at home fighting with everyone going to work and coming home. At least I would be able to see my shrink again... geeze that is one person I didn't think I would miss! Then I would have someone to talk to but when I'm actually there I don't talk to her, not really, not like I should.

Then of course there is the option to stay in London. Where I could go out and have fun, but I don't. Where I could travel to all these amazing places, but I don't. I am hating my job more and more, well not really the job itself more the mother. Although I don't hate her, she's lovely (and beautifully thin) but every day she says or does something else that annoys me so much. Like M's dad wants him to go for a visit without mum and all she says is its too soon he's too little and it's not like the dad would take off work and actually spend anytime with him he'll never see him it's terrible. I just feel like screaming at her THAT'S WHAT YOU DO! She just doesn't see it. M wakes up at 7am I start at 7:30 but generally get there at 7:15 when I take over and I don't finish at 7 at night when he goes to bed. Mum gets home at 5/5:30 but does she spend any one on one time with.. of course not! She has the personal trainer come to the house, she has an email to write, she has a call to make, she has to tidy up, she has to eat blah blah blah. I'm so tired, I've got headache. So when it comes down to it you see your son for 15mins in the morning and 1.5 hrs in the evening of which only 30mins you actually sit down with him and do nothing else and just spend time with him. HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT FROM WHAT HIS FATHER DOES?!?!

It's scary that I don't really want to be any place, I don't want to be anywhere. I don't care any more.

Pitiful weight loss.

What a sorry excuse I had for weight loss this week. 0.9kg, really that's just pathetic. But of course loosing so little I don't take the logical step, well logical in my world, and eat even less nooooo big fat obese me eats more! I was snacking all day I just couldn't stop. And I wonder why I'm so fat! huh!

I've just seen someone post the ABC diet on their blog, which I have seen someone write about before but never really given it much attention but thinking of giving it a go. I just don't know how it will work out with Norway, I could possibly start it when I get back but that seems so long away! Will have to give it some thought. Has anyone ever done it, if you muck up a day by having too many calories do you then just go on with it the next day or do you have to start again? This is it:

My old crush accepted my friend request on facebook, to be honest I actually forgot I had added him again. I also can't remember who deleted who. I do quite a lot of friend culling on there (I go through phases) but I have a feeling he might of deleted me. We have known eachother since primary school where he liked me for years he moved away to go to boarding school and we wrote to each other constantly and we were going to "go out" but then I was put into hospital for the first time and although he came to visit me we sort of just remained friends. He seems to start talking to me every time he breaks up with a girlfriend. I don't think I liked him all that much to be honest, more the thought back then of someone liking ME!

Anyway off to bed, babysitting late tonight as my boss went out to dinner and got early start tomorrow, oh the joy!

Strained neck.

Do you think you can strain your neck while vomiting? Cause I may have just done so. Cause it bloody hurts. I guess it serves me right for me such a fat, disgusting pig.

I was going fairly well up until after work when I went to this group, sort of women's group, what is the name of that movie where the women's group does a naked calender for fundraising? Anyway like that. My flatmate wanted me to go along so did and they served cake! Fuck me! It wasn't even worth breaking for, it was lemon, which isn't disgusting but soo not something I was choose to break my diet over. AND then flatmate asks did I have dinner! Thinking I was completely safe as this meeting didn't finish till 9:30 and we both have to work early in the morning I said I hadn't so then went for fish and chips... which is the long tale of why I actually strained my neck throwing up. I know I wouldn't have got it ALL cause I was trying to be quiet and quick, a disaster combination for a bulimic who's only aim is to bring all the food back up but alas I did not and now have an injury to boot. Fingers crossed that I got most of it up though.

And what's even worse? Is I did all of this the night before  I weigh in. I'm totally screwed! Even if I had lost some I would have put it all back on.

A new week.

A new week and a bad start, I had a sneaky weigh this morning at work and have gained :( I know I was bad over the weekend but thought the really low calories 5 days prior would help even that out. I'm not too stressed, well I am but trying not to be, as it was on different scales so fingers crossed they are wrong.

Today's intake was approx 311. I really need to stop taking bites of M's food cause that is what is making my intake go so high.

The last few weeks I have been helping my boss put together a lot of figures on what she spends each month and through out the year to give to the lawyers (possible divorce looming) but anyway tonight I finally finished it, god it's depressing that I have to work for over 7 years to earn what she SPENDS in 1 year, 7 years!

I wish I had money, money and thinness then I would be happy. Actually I think I would just settle for thin.

Wouldn't we all. lol.

Disaster of weekend.

Why do I always have to ruin it with food? I was going so well and then I just have to start stuffing my face.
Had planned to break yesterday but then be on track again today it didn't work at all. But shall be good again tomorrow until next Saturday.

One of my friends was using my ipad today to search for something and my email address was on the page of i_am_2_fat and she was like is this your email address? And I'm just like what? no! my email is blah blah blah, I don't think they bought it, I know they just think I'm a weird fat freak, quite frankly who wouldn't. They are all so funny and just great to be around but I know they think I'm just a fat cow and I think that if I didn't live with one of them they wouldn't really be hanging out with me.

I just feel like cutting.

Don't want to go to work tomorrow, I've just had enough!

463 calories

I have disappointed myself yet again, surprise, surprise. It is no wonder I am such a fat, ugly disgusting pig. I woke up today feeling much better than yesterday with intentions of sticking in the 200s but noooo big fat me was just too greedy and went to a total of 463 calories. I just couldn't stop eating! I am never going to get thin at this rate.

I'm breaking tomorrow, which I had planned all week but as it looms closer I am feeling worse and worse about it and if I could pull out I would. But with the goal of my flat mate and few friends I have here not thinking I am completely weird (more so than I'm sure they already do) I have to go along.

It comforts me very little knowing that for the past 5 days I have eaten the amount of calories a 'normal, healthy' women would eat in a day. Very little cause I could be eating so much less.

I'm starting to worry about the next trip Norway. We will be on their island where I will have absolutely no excuses I can't say I ate cause they will know I haven't. And we'll be there for 3 weeks, I'm absolutely dreading it. Not just the food. But these people think it will be great fun and so relaxing. Yah for them! They aren't the ones that look after their child that would be ME! I'm the one that will have no classes to take him to and nowhere to go, we can't even go for walk cause most of it is too rocky and steep for him. I'm the one that will have to watch him 24/7 so he doesn't fall off the cliff. Wish I could just stay in London.

Caking again tomorrow... am making a 3D handbag.

Inspiration for the weekend

All I want is to be thin, why is that too much to ask? Why can't I have it?

Nearly the weekend :)

Thank goodness it is nearly the weekend! I'm over it!

I'm so disappointed in myself today I had about 463 calories, I feel like such a fat pig, it's double what I had the two days before! I woke up just feeling like crap, just sick and light headed and I felt I needed food. I had a piece of toast and orange juice instead of just my small apple then I had some cupcake, I just really felt like I needed sugar. Felt marginally better but not much so maybe I didn't need food after all.

Lost some... finally!

As the title suggests I have finally lost some! Doesn't really count as it is only weight that I put on on my holiday but at least it went down. I lost 1.4kg so that's a start.
Was surprisingly good again today total was approx 267 cals. I quite like being in the 200s it feels like a good number and definitely not where near the 600 max that was my goal for this week. So only 2 more days until I can break on Saturday and am hoping that I have enough willpower to start again on Sunday properly until the next Saturday when I have a lunch. Things might get a bit tricky after that as probably going to Norway but not sure of dates yet all very complicated.

I will be thin soon!

232 calories for today!! Excited. I haven't been this good in ages, weigh in tomorrow I don't think I will have done that well as I haven't been good ALL week  but it's a start. I've decided (don't know how well it's going to work) to not stress out when I haven't lost a lot. As long as the scales are going down that's all that matters, it's all I need. As long as they are going down I will get thin.

Told my boss today that was 95% sure I'm moving home, I think. lol. Was doing lots of research and to do a bit of travel before is bloody expensive not even a huge trip just a 20 day tour. But there is so much stuff I want to do and buy before I go home that I don't think will be possible as I will run out of money... and I refuse to spend savings unless I am absolutely desperate.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow is as good as today!

Cupcakes will be the death of me.

Flatmate didn't take cupcakes to work and I have just eaten one! GRRRR! I did throw it up but you never get EVERYTHING back up. I'm so annoyed with myself. I was going so well today until I started feeding M his dinner. I was sitting on about 230 cals and then I started having bites of M's dinner and a few bites of his corn etc etc it is amazing how quick little bites add up, no wonder people get fat when they are eating their normal meals and then they have just one or two bites of something here and there and think it doesn't count but when you actually count the calories there are so many in each bite of everything extra.
I do think I'm safe and sound still under 600 calories for the day though. :)

I think I have pretty much decided on moving home. Just need to think about when to hand in my notice.

Cakes

Not the best photo, but these are my cupcake creations before I boxed them up. Most of them died on the way home on the bus all turning over :(

I can't wait until tomorrow I am going to start tomorrow until next Saturday, when I'm going out to dinner with friends again, to have 600 calories or less. I'm not going all out and doing exercise on top I'm just going to start with the food and build on to exercise the week after. I've just gotten too fat things are out of control and they need to be fixed.

When I have I day like today, which was fun! Cake course then to dinner with friends where I actually laughed and enjoyed myself I think maybe I should stay here and not move home. An old friend asked me the other day if I missed Australia, I don't really. I said apart from immediate family I don't have anything there to miss. 

Anyway wish me luck for tomorrow. I'm going to be strong! Even sending cupcakes to work with my friend so I don't eat them!

cut :(

I was just feeling like crap today and I ended up cutting, not bad at all, but still did it, twice actually. I can't remember the when the last time was I have in the last year but definitely not in the last 6 months... well there goes that.

I just don't fucking see the point at the moment. I'm a fat, ugly, disgusting pig and I don't have the willpower to change it. No one is ever going to like me so what's the point anyway?

Hate Summer

I absolutely HATE summer! I hate being hot, if I could I would just follow winter around the world. The heat seems to be so much worse in London like there is no nice breeze and it is just hot pollution seeping into you.

Approx. calorie intake for today is 580. Didn't even start the day trying that hard but I dunno I just couldn't be bothered eating. My boss was like oh have you eaten dinner... nah I'll eat when I get home. Yah right! I don't even own any food in the flat. Really all I own food wise is a packet of strawberry lollies worth 9 calories each.

1 more day until the weekend and then I have a cupcake decorating course YAY I'm really excited. Am going to try and be decent tomorrow during the day as we have friends coming over in the arvo for dinner (some take away don't know what yet) but hopefully I can get away without eating too much of it.

Pig

Today I think I averaged about 1200 cals? Not sure. Why can't I do this? Why do I have to be this fat and ugly and disgusting? I'm just so over it. I hate myself so much and it is never going to change. Honestly apart from the last year which I've been living in London I have been seeing my shrink for what about 10 years my thinking hasn't changed. The only thing that has changed is now I'm a fat fucking cow.

I disgust myself and everyone around me.

beef downfall

So another day ruined by a fucking burger. I was acting all normal with my friend saying 'oh yah I love burgers, who doesn't' thinking she had to be home in a few minutes but then she took me to get a burger for lunch couldn't then turn around and say I hate them. sheesh. On the way home I was wanting to vomit but I said no I'll be good and won't do it but then I remembered it was weigh in tomorrow morning and thought FUCK. I didn't got much up, as I hadn't been planning to do it I wasn't drinking loads for the meal but anything is better than nothing.

My calories for today is approx. 1004 but am hoping it wasn't really that much since the burger place we went to wasn't a chain it isn't in MyFitness Pal so had to guess what it would be close to (went for a high option to be on the safe side) and I also threw some of it up!

Went to aqua class at the gym. All I could think about was how fat and ugly I am, my board shorts were tight they generally aren't even when I have put on a bit of weight so I must have put on sooo much for them to be as tight as they are which just lead me into a downward spiral honestly I nearly started crying right there in the pool. I'm not looking forward to weigh in tomorrow as I think I must weight A LOT more than I think I do!!!

Decent Day.

I have finally had a mostly decent day with food and exercise. My calories were approx. 767 probably a wee bit more as I had a bite or two of M's food during the day to test temperature. I walked to work which was fine but made the very stupid decision to walk home. I've already come up in blisters my feet are in so much pain. I wanted to catch the bus half way home but the stupid thing just wouldn't come so I kept on walking. I CAN'T DO THIS! I will have to just go back to the gym, I'll do some swimming until these blisters heal and then get back on the treadmill. I feel like such a fat failure but I just can't take it.

My boss asked me today if I was any closer to making a decision about going home or not... I told her I wasn't, I just don't know how to tell her I'm probably just going to go home.

Fat and Pathetic me is off to bed.

31 Days Left

I counted up the days remaining on my 100 day challenge and I have 31 days left. I don't think I will be able to lose the 10kg that is my goal for the challenge but surely I will be able to lose SOMETHING! I start my diet for this 31 days tomorrow starting with walking to work again, not sure for how long I did 2 weeks last time so would like to do that again maybe some more??? Just walking to work the first week with the second possibly going to the gym or walking home too. I would rather walk home as well but I feel terrible paying 78 pounds a month for a gym membership and never going.

Apart from walking to work another thing starting tomorrow is I am giving up chocolate, AGAIN! I just had the worst chocolate binge I hate to think how many calories I consumed, at least I had only had popcorn today, but yes giving up chocolate for the last 31 days. So the next time I am allowed to eat it is on the 25th July. I can totally do this.

On this side of my holiday it is nearly time to make a decision re moving home or staying in London. I think at the moment I am leaning towards moving home. I just don't know. I was talking about it with my sister when she was over and she asked me where I was happiest. I said happy is quite a strong word. I'm not really happier in either place they are both the same they are both just places where I live, I wake up go to work and then come home from work. Yes I have a few more 'friends' in London but if I moved home I would hope I could make some sort of effort and make some friends there too. The main thing remains that I would regret not being there for my niece/nephews birth and helping out in the first few months. I would be over here hearing stories and hating that I am not there and enjoying the baby too. Then I have my sisters wedding which she doesn't need help planning but again I would hate to miss out on it and would be over here jealous as knowing they are all planning it together and having fun without me.