I'm off.

I'm not sure what the wifi situation is going to be like in Fiji so this will probably be my last blog for a couple of weeks. I've got everything crossed that I don't put on too much weight I'm so scared about it but just need to remember this holiday isn't about me so need to try and keep all my feelings to myself so I don't ruin it for everyone else.

Had the question of how old I was in comments. I'm 26. Very depressing 10 years on and I'm still trying to get rid of this fat that is my body. It's pathetic. I hate it.

'You have to stop losing weight'

There are only two days until we leave for Fiji, head of early Wednesday morning. I know it's bad cause it's my sisters wedding and all but I wish I didn't have to go. I'm so worried about all the food I'm going to have to eat and the exercise I won't be able to do.

We had L's hens night yesterday. It was really an all day thing, we started off in the morning with all the bridesmaids and mum going for a spa morning with facials, massages, nails etc then we came home and got ready and a stretch hummer picked us up and tooks us into the city for high tea then we all came back to party after with lots of cocktails and stripper and a big bungee run. The bungee run was so much fun.
I actually kept some sort of self control of my fat self at high tea and had 1 and a half finger sandwiches and half a mini cupcake but when I got back i started drinking some cocktails and eating the biscuits and dip, twice I disappeared to the bathroom to vomit and just couldn't handle it I couldn't keep it inside me. Then I took a handful of laxatives when i went to bed just to make sure.

The best bit about the party was people saying I was looking very thin. People saying I can't lose more weight that I must stop dieting after the wedding. Yah right. I know they were all just talking crap but it still gave me a bit of a high to hear. I was just like oh yah I'm not losing more weight I was just getting fit for the wedding blah blah blah. Trying to give off the healthy/not crazy persona while thinking in my head I've barely started I've got so much more fat to get rid of.

I saw my shrink on Friday she wants me to start on medication again straight away, a different one this time. I'm supposed to email her Monday to tell her how I'm going on it but I haven't started taking it yet.

100+ followers

Woo hoo over 100 followers, I can't tell you how excited I am, I want more though. I hope I don't bore you all too much and thanks for all the comments, I never reply in the comment section (I'm too lazy) but I do read them all would answer any questions in a post.

Things went down hill was vomitting every day last week, which I hate doing, it has always been a back up in emergencies, I have been relying on it too much so am trying hard to stop - 2 days clear so far.

I've also been cutting for the last three days, which makes me feel a lot better but quite frankly I am fucking ugly enough without adding even more scars to my body so I've really got to stop that too!

My exercise isn't going as well as it was last week, my knee is just killing me some days, I do still walk my 10k but not burning anywhere near the amound of calories I need/want to so may have to start going back to the gym on top of that.

I see my shrink on Friday. I still feel bad about her going into the office on her day off. I honestly don't know why I'm bothering it has never helped. My friend thinks I should try somebody new that she must be rubbish but she is supposed to be one of the best in Brisbane, I think it's more me, I don't really talk to her, I don't let her in, so really I'm just wasting her time which I feel bad about.

I'm starting to worry about Fiji! It will involve a lot of buffets and me and buffets are not friends! I go in there saying I'm not going to eat much but then ofcourse I stuff my fat face and ruin everything. I really don't want to undo the hard work I've done so far, although I do have exactly a month when we get back to lose as much as possible before the next big family event (nephew's christening).

Sore knee

Posting what I hate to prevent me from eating more worked last night so here I am again.

Breakfast: Grapes - 62
Lunch: Chicken Wrap - 128
Dinner: Pumpkin Soup - 108
Snacks: Minties (75), Cruskits (65)  - 140

Total: 438 Calories

Exercise: I didn't do my swimming today so I feel like a fat pig but I did go on an extra long walk, I only did a tiny bit of running cause I've done something to my knee it hurts like hell when walking and even worse when running so most of it was a walk to try and give it a rest. I think a did around 20km not sure def more than 17km and I burnt 1137.

Net Calories: - 699

I'm a bit worried about the amount I'm going to burn tomorrow if I can't run at all. I'm still going to do my 10km at a walk hopefully that will be enough of a rest.

Things are going well, I think only cause I'm concentrating so much on what I eat and have no time for anything else. Works for me :)

Distracting myself

I'm posting early tonight to try and stop myself putting anything else into my fat disgusting mouth, I'm hoping if I post my intake for the day I will feel too embarrassed to have to come back and change it so won't eat anything else :) I lost control with a box of Jatz biscuits so it is higher than what I wanted but a step back in the right direction and tomorrow will be better.

Breakfast:  Grapes - 62
Lunch: Chicken Wrap - 128
Dinner: Pumpkin Soup - 108
Snacks: Jelly (16), Minties (75), Potato Stix (48), Jatz Biscuits (176) - 316

Total: 614 calories disgusting but will improve tomorrow!

I don't generally work in net amounts but I'm getting a bit desperate with 3 weeks to go until I have to look half decent in a bridesmaid's dress so I want to make sure I work off everything I eat for the next few weeks at least.

My sister gave me a new good heart rate monitor for my birthday last week which tells me exactly how many calories I'm burning :)! Exercise for today was 10km (was more 11 or 12 as I did extra at the end) walk/run which burnt 787 then swimming which burnt 327 to total 1114 burnt.

Net intake: - 500

That's not too shabby, I aim to do better tomorrow which is doable if I stay away from the jatz biscuits. Figners crossed the the rain stops for tomorrow so I can get my run in!

Easter is Evil

Easter is well and truly fucking evil, well what we have turned it into anyway.
So yet another day is ruined.

It is only three weeks until my sisters wedding!

Tomorrow I'm going to write down on this blog every single thing that passes my lips and every tiny bit of exercise I do, I need to be held accountable for what I am eating and this is the only way I know how. It worked quite well when I first started this blog so I am going to do it again and hope it works even better.

Sunday Intake

Not much to write, my life is as boring as hell. I've only lost 300 grams this week which has got me freaking out a bit this time last week I had already lost a kilo.

It's a fast day today so have had nothing to eat :) I'm on such a high I forgot how amazing you can feel while fasting. I've been trying to drink lots of water but haven't been having loads caues it makes me pee so much, seriously like every 20 minutes.

I'm sitting here watching Here comes Honey Boo Boo,if that's not thinspiration I don't know what is. If I have get close to looking like her mother I think I would die... I know that is really bitchy but I really don't understand how people get to that size.

3kg loss.

Week 1 down on the ABC Diet and a loss of 3kg. I'm happy with that but know it could be a lot better. The weight didn't go down as much in the second half of the week, with a lousy 0.2 last night, I'm getting really worried that it is going to stop and even if I stick to the diet it won't go down more. I was losing 0.2 on 200 calories this week I have some 400 and 500 calorie days how am I ever going to get rid of this fat on that?
I'm going to try and be strong though I have to have faith that a lot of people have had great sucess on this.

Saw GP this morning. She didn't weigh me, which to be honest I was a bit put out by, I was expecting it and then it didn't happen, it just means I look fat and don't need to be weighed. She didn't seem to concerned that I hadn't started anti-depressants or that I had not contacted the shrink.
My blood results came back I'm extremely low in iron and B12 so she has prescribed stuff for that which I went out of her office thinking I'm not going to take them but then I thought to myself if they are going to give me more energy and make me feel better it might help me get back to the gym and do more than just my 10km walks... we'll see.

Update weight tomorrow

I've decided not to say what I lost today :) but thought I would do it Friday cause that is when I started the ABC so it will be one week on that diet and will be good to see how much I lose.

I'm a bit worried about seeing the GP tomorrow. I just feel like such a fraud and that I am wasting her time. She'll ask me how I'm going on the medication - I'll tell her I haven't started it. She'll ask when my appointment is with my shrink - I'll tell her i haven't even phoned up to book yet. She'll ask how my eating is going - I'll tell her amazing but she won't agree.
I  wonder what my blood tests have revealed, probably nothing cause I' have been eating like a fat pig for soo long now that everything will be normal.

Calories today stand at 200 exactly and a 10km walk I don't think my weight will change much if anything for tomorrow which makes me want to cry.

Oh well we'll see how we go.

Todays Intake

So I'm still going along on the ABC diet. I've been reading a lot about it and other people who have done it and all seem to have their own versions, I think I'm just doing the standard one. All seem to be on the same change about being able to change the days around a bit though which is what I did today. So instead of a 200 cal day today I had my 300 day one and will do the 200 one tomorrow. Ended today on 253. I'm not holding high hopes on a loss overnight cause I had to work I didn't get to do my 10k walk which I think is going to have a big impact on my loss (or lack there of) I was on my feet all day though so hopefully it won't be too bad.
The last time I attempted this diet this is the last day I have marked off so obviously ruined it on the 7th day so don't want to do that this time so if I make it through tomorrow it will be good, am actually hoping to make it a lot longer than that though!

GAH weigh in tomorrow AND the next day :/

R.I.P Emma

R.I.P my beautiful baby. You had 10 wonderful years.
We had to put Emma to sleep yesterday, around lunch time, it was so so hard but the right thing to do, it was like she had just given up so even if we didn't to it it would not have been long just more painful if we hadn't helped.

The last two days have been pretty bad didn't sleep much Sunday night (understandably) then Monday was just a complete shit, I was so emotionly drained! My intake for Monday was 217 calories. I went for a 10km walk in the afternoon, I just needed to get out of the house and away from everybody.

Todays calories come in at 96 and another 10km walk along the beach front. I just can't be bothered going to the gym I have absolutely no energy but still need to do something!

I'm hoping for a decent loss this week, but with my fat arse you never know I could screw things up by Thursday, which is my weekly weigh in but then I also have the GP on Friday morning again and I assume she will weigh me again too. Not that I only have a weekly weigh in I weigh myself about 5 times a day. We're going away next week, just down the coast nothing exciting but I'm already stressed about not weighing for that long - I think I'll just have to take the scales with me. lol you know you're a little crazy when you take the scales on holidays. :/

Working tomorrow so will make it so much easier to not eat and noone to notice cause I can just flat out lie about what I had. My mum said when I woke up this morning did you only have two bowls of jelly yesterday I said NO and listed off a huge list of things I had, most I hadn't some I had.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another decent-ish day with calories.

Fat Cow.

I am just too, too, too fat! I hate it so much.
Calorie intake is 128 for today. I'm fairly happy with that, although think to myself why couldn't I have just made it a fasting day without being such a fat pig?
I put on 300 grams from my extra bites of pie and brownie last night, hopefully it won't happen again any time soon.

My beautiful dog Emma goes to sleep tomorrow :(

No exercise today cause I'm just a fat lazy cow.

Not sure how much

I'm not exactly sure how many calories I've had today and it is driving me a little bit insane! I was sitting on 220 when I went to work tonight, but then I made brownies with the kids and had a few bites of that and then also had a few bites of pie that one of the kids didn't finish. So I'm going to say add on another 200 so thats 440 for todays total. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be anywhere near that much but would rather overestimate then under estimate. I've taken some laxatives just incase though.

Went to the gym and got an hour of cardio in. I'm really annoyed with myself cause I just can't get my running past 20 minutes lately. Infact today I only did 15 before I moved on to something else. A couple of weeks ago I was doing 40 mins! A personal best and now I just can't do it anymore  grrrr!

I cut last night, not badly but still did it. Doesn't make me feel as good as it used to do but it still does some what.

I've been reading this blog for hours today Too much, Not Enough http://bellaanorexia.blogspot.com.au/2012_08_01_archive.html
I'm absolutely loving it!

I just want to be thin!

I'm in DESPERATE need of thinspiration!

Reach your potential.

My boss told me tonight (M's Dad) that if was very beautiful and that if I only ate properly and did some more exercise that I could look really good. That I've got potential and I can be really beautiful. Was a bit more of a blow when M's mother agreed. Just a few kgs.

I know it's true and I say it to myself all the time..well not the I'm beautiful part lol. Just hate hearing it from people, like I know that's whAt people think I'm a fat heffa.

That's what I'm going to do. Reach my potential.

Good Day :)

So with 486 calories to my name today, it is fairly decent. I've just got out of the pool after doing 100 laps and 90 squats. Also with a 30 minute walk to the lake. There is a lot of room for improvement  but it's a start. I just need to remember what a good feeling this gives me when I get off track again.

I've just started reading a new book on anorexia to use as thinspiration. Working well I'm hoping it will keep me in line.

-1.9

Currently writing from the land of Vikings! Annoyed with myself yet again I have gone 62 calories over my 500 allowance! Gutted! I thought I was safe but when I was double checking tonight I had miscalculated the size and AHHHHH! It's my fast day tomorrow which I will stick to. I'm still going to stick to the ABC as best I can but I have been over on two days now so I will definitely have to do it again when I finish. Maybe I will keep going with this one and then when we get back to London in mid August I can start it over and add in some walking to work then to really get rid of my fat arse self! Was hugely excited this morning when I weighed in (an entire day early remember) even after the terrible binge I have lost 1.9kg this week! :) :) finally something good. I really need to stick to it this week to see if I can lose that much again. Have to be strong and good! Will try and still post but going to the island tomorrow it does have wifi but not sure how good it is.

Pig

Today I think I averaged about 1200 cals? Not sure. Why can't I do this? Why do I have to be this fat and ugly and disgusting? I'm just so over it. I hate myself so much and it is never going to change. Honestly apart from the last year which I've been living in London I have been seeing my shrink for what about 10 years my thinking hasn't changed. The only thing that has changed is now I'm a fat fucking cow.

I disgust myself and everyone around me.