Don't know if I should stay or go.

I'm still stressing about if I should stay in London or go home.I thought I had made my mind up to go home but then I will have a nice weekend or something and think about staying in London. I also think about what it will be like if I move home... the same as before I left. My family and I get on great when we don't live together... well actually to be more accurate when I'm not in the same country. They say how much they miss me and want me home - they've just forgotten how much they hate me, how much we fight and how it is always, always my fault.

So I would go back to living at home fighting with everyone going to work and coming home. At least I would be able to see my shrink again... geeze that is one person I didn't think I would miss! Then I would have someone to talk to but when I'm actually there I don't talk to her, not really, not like I should.

Then of course there is the option to stay in London. Where I could go out and have fun, but I don't. Where I could travel to all these amazing places, but I don't. I am hating my job more and more, well not really the job itself more the mother. Although I don't hate her, she's lovely (and beautifully thin) but every day she says or does something else that annoys me so much. Like M's dad wants him to go for a visit without mum and all she says is its too soon he's too little and it's not like the dad would take off work and actually spend anytime with him he'll never see him it's terrible. I just feel like screaming at her THAT'S WHAT YOU DO! She just doesn't see it. M wakes up at 7am I start at 7:30 but generally get there at 7:15 when I take over and I don't finish at 7 at night when he goes to bed. Mum gets home at 5/5:30 but does she spend any one on one time with.. of course not! She has the personal trainer come to the house, she has an email to write, she has a call to make, she has to tidy up, she has to eat blah blah blah. I'm so tired, I've got headache. So when it comes down to it you see your son for 15mins in the morning and 1.5 hrs in the evening of which only 30mins you actually sit down with him and do nothing else and just spend time with him. HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT FROM WHAT HIS FATHER DOES?!?!

It's scary that I don't really want to be any place, I don't want to be anywhere. I don't care any more.