Back from Australia

So I'm back in London safe and sound. The flying wasn't to bad, on the way back got upgraded to business class from Singapore to Dubai which was a fab bonus!

I missed my weigh in this morning, as I was at M's grandparents house fetching him and bringing him back to London (god forbid his mother do anything) but that means I didn't have ANY scales... freaking out!
I know I've put on since I last weighed. Since the last time I posted on here I lost (after my awful monster gain) but I am thinking I have put on again. It has really got to stop I've got to get everything back into control!

This side of the trip I also need to make a decision about if I'm staying in London or moving home. I JUST DON'T KNOW!

Will weigh tomorrow and see what damage I have done. My sister arrives on Friday.. which means even more eating gah I'm so sick of it!

Off down under!

Won't hear from me for a few days, well nearly a week if I don't post at all, but I might get a chance to do one post?
Can't wait to see everyones face when I arrive at the party :) so proud of myself that i kept it a secret!

Weigh in tomorrow NOT looking foward to it as if I gained last week (when I was bad but not that bad) I would have gained again this week. FUCK!

I am all set to get serious about things when I get back from Australia though!

So excited as well, not for the 26+ hours of getting home but for the way back for the last leg from Dubai to London I have used ALL of my points and upgraded to business class. Stoked! So yes I have to survive the trip there, then the 14 or so hours to Dubai on the way back but then I'm in BUSINESS CLASS!

No Chocolate :)

So made it without having chocolate bars today YAY! Honestly last week I had about 5 in one day. I still ate way more than I should but baby steps.
What actually kept me to it was knowing that I would have to fess up on here. I think when I get back from Australia I am really going to have to start doing my blog properly again and writing down what I eat all day and knowing people are reading it and thinking what a fat fucking cow I am will keep me in line (I hope).
So I am going to try and save this 100 day challenge as soon as I get back to London. When I land I have until the end of the week until my sister arrives and then another week until we go away on holiday so I'm pretty sure if I start walking to work again I can not gain anymore (and hopefully loose) I should be able to have just have my apple and something small for lunch and get away with having one meal with my sister (if that) hopefully some nights she will go and catch up with friends from when she lived over here. Then we go away on our Top Deck tour to eastern europe which some meals are included and since I'm such a fussy eater I am hoping I won't like half the stuff.

No chocolate.

My eating is completely out of control.
Tomorrow my only goal is to not have chocolate. When I leave work I am leaving my debit card and wallet there so I can't buy anything on the way home.
A few weeks ago I was so looking foward to flying home for the engagement party , not I'm just a big fat sack of lard.

Monstrous Weight Gain :(

I haven't been on for a while The first day or so was because I was eating way too much and didn't want to write it on here as I was to ashamed. Then the last few days I haven't been on because of Wednesday was weigh in. I'm still traumatized by it.

So on Saturday I had my sneaky mid week weigh in and I was the same (which is what set me off eating). So in what 4 days? I gained.... wait for it. 5.2KG OH MY FUCKING GOD! That is the entire weight I have lost on my 100 day challenge so far BACK. I'm just gutted. My sister said it was impossible to gain that much in one week I said it can't be impossible CAUSE IT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED! So I've been depressed and eating ever since.

Some black guy named Dan tried to pick me up on the bus on the way home just now. Quite good looking, but seriously?! I did give him my number - he said he would call. He probably won't and if he does I probably won't answer... I hate talking on the phone. And quite frankly anyone actually interested in me needs there fucking head read. Imagine if he saw me naked - spew!

The Diet Starsts

The super strict diet starts tomorrow, need to do something extreme, especially after the amount of food I ate this weekend.. it's revolting! Actually really excited about it, I know I can do it cause I was doing it just a few weeks ago I just need to stay strong and keep my goals in mind.

Did a cake decorating course today, just basic. Was fab, quite proud of my cake too ofcourse there are lots of bits I can improve on but for a first effort I think I did really well.

Today I actually felt really happy. Which is just weird. Is it even weirder to say that it's weird to feel happy?

Not looking foward to Wednesdays weigh in cause I know even if I am extra good until then I will have put on weight.

Thinspo

One day I'll be thin and pretty. 

I promise.

Why bother trying?

I lost control today and I had a sneaky mid-week weigh in and I am EXACTLY THE SAME!  I haven't lost a single gram for 3 days. Which sent me completely crazy and I started eating. I had some of M's snacks when I arrived at work this morning and then a chocolate chip biscuit at the sale and a small vanilla cupcake (which was fucking revolting!) then I had a chicken wrap on the way home and then I thought I've already done this much damage that I hate half a pizza (which I threw up) but then I went and ate the other half.

How screwed up is my mind I should think oh F I'm the same I should not eat not just give up and eat! GRRR

I wonder if this is why my shrink doesn't bother emailing me back cause she knows I'm just a fat failure.

Tomorrow is going to be another screwy day with going out to dinner but come Monday I am going to have my three 'meals'  like I was doing before and doing well with. I will have my apple for breakfast and my snack a jacks for lunch and my salt and vinegar spirals for dinner which will bring me in at under 400 cals a day I will just have to suck it up and just stick to it or I am going to be this fat forever.

Tired.

I am so tired! Did an overnight at work last night which means I was up with M at 5:45 this morning and straight into a full day of work. My boss has been promising me the afternoon off all week and did I get it? Noooo. Don't know why I'm surprised she never does. What was her excuse? "I know I said you could have the afternoon off but I would like you to stay and work cause I don't want to get tired" seriously?! Miss had a full nights sleep and had done F all all day.

Saturday tomorrow and have to work (HATE weekend work, apart from the extra money). Don't actually know why she needs me she's got her mum looking at the baby and we are going to sell some old baby clothes at a sale but that doesn't take two people.

As you can see I'm a bit annoyed.. what has put me in this feral mood? I think I've gone over 600 calories today. I was at 559, but with the bites of M's dinner and a few cubes of vegetables I think that has taken me over the top :( I'm gutted. My goal is for 2 weeks 600 or under I've certainly done lots of days but they aren't 2 week straight. Am also going out to dinner on Sunday night which is going to screw me up again.. not sure I want to go the vomit route as it's with the same people and if I am nipping off the the bathroom after every meal they are bound to get suspicious.

I'm really really worried about this weeks weigh in. What if I haven't lost the 1kg I want to?

Overnight at work :/

Writing this on my iPad still at work cause my boss wants a 'night off' from the baby. Ducked out to the gym and am now settled for the night on the couch :) I think I just scraped in under 600 calories today and was under 600 yesterday ( forgot to put that as it was my challenge update yesterday). I so badly want to lose this next 2kg before I go away!!! My boss asked me today if I had lost weight :) I wish!!! I don't know why people ask that shouldn't it really be a statement? Like if you have to ask the question you obviously can't really tell they have lost anything. I'm on the second day of my couch to 5k app I'm so unfit it isn't even funny. I'm soooo excited about going home for the party wish I didn't have to come back!

100 Day Challenge Update: Day 27

So I am well and truly into the 100 day challenge and have been doing alright so far. My main and most important goal (of course) is weight loss with my aim being to lose 10kg (am being realistic!). So with today's weight loss of 1.4kg that brings my total so far to 5.3kg (11.6lbs) So in 27 days I am half way to my goal. :)

BUT here comes the tricky bit. I've got 2 weeks until I fly home for my sisters engagement party so want to lose 2 more kg. After that though I've got the party, which will screw with me going to the gym and my eating then I come back and I've got a week before my sister comes to London and I've got her and her friend staying with me for a week before my sister go on our 2 week tour in Eastern Europe so I will be SCREWED. My goal in that time is not even to lose just to not gain back what I've already lost. Then hopefully I'll have time after she goes home to hit my goals before the 100 days is up.

• Lose 10kg (22lbs)
• Walk to work for 2 weeks
• Do my Couch to 5k app and get past half way this time (although hopefully more)
• Sort out part 1 of my sisters engagement present
• Keep to a max. of 600 calories a day for 2 weeks (again would hope to go longer but 2 weeks is my official goal)
• Fly home for engagement party AND keep it a secret
• Go to the Harry Potter Studio Tour
• Buy dress for engagement party
• Work out how to do other pages/tabs for blog
• Buy myself a pandora charm for being 1 year in london
• Save 2000 pounds
• Go to the theatre
• Do more cake decorating courses
• Holiday to Eastern Europe
• Get cover for Ipad
• Sort out Harry Potter Lego
• Pack away winter clothes and sort out summer clothes
• Read 5 books
• Buy something for my sisters baby (when she hits 12 weeks)
• Try and meet more people in London

Next challenge update will be in 3 weeks, after I've been home but a few days before my sister comes :/

Cause I'm bored...

Bored so thought I would post some pictures....

I've also started a new 'ana' book to keep me on track. I had one back in the day it was great and whenever I felt like I was going to eat an be out of control I would print out pictures and put it in and a list of safe foods etc etc but handed it into my shrink once and never laid eyes on it again :( I wonder if she still has it, should ask her.

But yes have started a new one its lovely, hard cover and it ties with a ribbon has birds on the front. I also track my weight in it, might put some photos up of it another day.

 Love the wrists!

 This was a friend of my best friend went to school with, she got sick the same year as me... wonder how she is these days?

 Who knew she wasn't always thin?

Got peed on...

Pretty much sums up my day.

WHY did I have to ruin things the day before weigh in. Why couldn't it be tomorrow after  had weighed in then it wouldn't matter as much?!?!?!

Couldn't stop eating today I would have definitely gone over 1500 calories WTF?!?! How could I do it before weigh in? I just couldn't stop. On the way home I thought I've already done this much damage I mose well just get McDonald's. I wasn't even planning to throw up just eat it as I had already screwed up so much today but half way through I just felt full and crap and I just COULDN'T feel that full and disgusting the entire way home and until it digested so I paid my 30p to use the bathroom and up it came :/ I guess that's one good thing is my stomach must have shrunk a bit to feel full half way through cause I got what I normally do.

I didn't even go to the gym.

I thought I was loosing weight and getting thinner but I'm just kidding myself. My scales must be completely fucked cause I'm not getting smaller if anything I'm getting bigger. I hate HATE HATE it!

Work tomorrow

I'm really not looking forward to work tomorrow after a nice 4.5 day weekend. Honestly I wouldn't be bothered if I never went back.

Calorie total for today is 473. I feel like I haven't stopped eating all day though. I feel disgustingly fat and that I've put on heaps of weight but I'm under my 600 goal so don't know why I feel like that. Blah.

Not looking forward to Wednesday morning weigh in. Am looking forward to tomorrow nights aqua class at the gym, at least that is some form of exercise for the week.

Getting very excited about the engagement party, can't wait to see everyone, don't really want to come back just want to stay home and be around 'my' children.

Wasted

Just finished this book, I'm sure most of you have read it before, as I have numerous times. I found it quite depressing this time around. When she is supposedly recovered and been well for four years yet she's actually not. She still think she's fat, she still under weight she still eats weird. So why even bother trying?

Another day is coming to an end, another day under 600 calories.

I know I said I would update on my 100 day challenge on day 21 or something but thought I would wait until Wednesday so can do an update on weight as well as all my other goals.

For a split second today I thought I could actually tell that I've lost weight (I can NEVER tell) but quickly went away just a trick of the light probably.

Picked up some Topdeck tours magazines for Africa, Egypt and Europe today and dreaming....

Looking at jobs.

So today I've spent another day in the flat doing absolutely F all, no human contact really doesn't do me any good. Will try and go out tomorrow maybe to Oxford Street and do something shopping, I was planning on doing that today but just couldn't be bothered.

I've been looking at jobs back home, seeing what is out there if I decide to move back at the end of the year. There is really F all. And then there is the fact that I'm not sure I want to do nannying anymore. I've been doing it coming up 7 years and most of the time have loved it, and I went into it as a career not just one of those ones who does it on the side while studying. Lately I'm just so over it though, I'm not sure if I'm over this particular job or if I'm over being a nanny (or it's just my mind messing with itself as I'm not really in a 'healthy' frame of mind). The trouble is if I am over being a nanny what the F do I do? Everyone always says I should be teacher but I don't want to be a teacher, to be responsible for children's learning. Which I know I sort of am already but if I'm a teacher it's official and I don't want that responsibility knowing that if I'm crap it I put children's education back and that it would be all my fault.

I just don't know what direction my life is headed in.

Haven't thrown up today which is good. Consumed 574 disgusting calories. Why do I have to be such a fat pig?

Depressing Blogs

Have been reading a lot of blogs just now, quite a lot are depressing and about failing and not reaching their goals and binging, well why should I break the trend?

Hadn't eaten anything until about 5pm when I had some pumpkin soup and some rice cakes felt guilty threw it up. Then I got into my last big chocolate easter egg, felt even worse threw it up. I hate throwing up chocolate it taste fucking awful, not sure if I got it all it didn't look like much but nothing else would come up. So I've ruined my under 600 calories, have to start over, yet again. I'm not sure if after throwing up I would be over but it is what actually goes into my mouth if it's over (even if I through it up) I've still eaten over 600 calories.

Rang mum this morning talked about me moving home or staying in London she says I've got some big decisions to make. Why can't someone just tell me what to do. She did say one thing though I need to make the decision to move home and make sure I'll have no regrets. But my head has sort of twisted the question the other way can I stay in London with no regrets? I'm not sure I can. Does that mean I've made up my mind? I DON'T KNOW!!!!

Haven't left the flat all day, I don't think I do well on my own :/

Trying to not binge.

Another day under 600 :)

I'm going straight to bed, I'm fighting the urge to binge. It's been coming on all day and I've resisted it don't know if I can for much longer so hoping if I go to sleep it won't be there tomorrow.

Weekly Weigh In

So today being Wednesday it is my weigh day. I lost 1.6kg (3.5lbs) not as good as last week but better than nothing. I am wondering how this week is going to go without me exercising, cause this last week I still had quite a few walks to work and boot camp and a gym session so I'm very interested to see how much I lose without all that, if it isn't a lot I might have to go back to walking AND the gym for a week or so until the engagement party to see if I can lose a few more.

My head seems to be in the right spot at the moment, I'm loving losing weight again, I know I have such a long way to go before I'm actually thin but I'm on my way and as long as the scales keep going down every week if if they only go down a tiny bit all the tiny bits will eventually add up.

I'm still hoping to fast this weekend, even if I don't manage it I will still keep under my 600 calories. Total for today was 577, it's creeping up so better be careful.

Under 600 :)

YAY after last nights very bad (but tasty) cupcake I have done my under 600 cals today coming in at 524 but actually think I over estimated some of it so definately under the 600 today. Went to the gym on the way home and did an aqua aerobics class which supposedly burns off around 315 calories (was only a 45 minute class).

Not looking foward to weigh in tomorrow morning. Got everything crossed.