The fat doesn't move.

That fat doesn't move, won't disappear and get off my body. I lost 3lbs since I last wrote, what a poor excuse for weight loss!

My current plan to thin is to follow weight watchers. It is a good plan works well when you stick to it and is 'healthy and normal' I'm hoping it will get the binging and purging under control. The minimum points you are allowed in the weight watchers system is 26, which is what you get if you are in a healthy weight range. So I'm not allowed to go over 26, today I've used 16 and I'm done, no more for this fat pig. I just need to be thin and everything will improve.

Work is so stressful at the moment cause I just don't know what is going to happen with it. The family I work for may move out to the country or may not. But if they do, do I want to go (not really but I feel so guilty if I say that) will they stay in London ? There are so many decisions the family need to make and each one has a huge impact on my job and if I like it or hate it. I'm worried and stressed and hating it.

Gah I hate being an adult and all the shit you have to deal with.

Too Fat, Too Fat, Too Fat!

Falling down again. I'm not sure what has changed... well lots has changed but I'm not sure what has given me that shove, a shove that I seem to be welcoming back with open arms.

For the last week I have been throwing up every day, sometimes twice, today was the only binge other times I just thought the meal was too much. It's funny how things slip back into place so easily.
I've been cutting a lot more as well, the release is just like it used to be, not as good, but still there.
I do want to stop the vomiting and the only way to do that is to restrict. I need that addictive, amazing high now and that is the only other way I know to get it.

I haven't written in so long. I've slipped back into work and London life like I never left. I'm not enjoying work much at the moment at all, a lot of travel involved and it is very stressful.
The major thing that has changed is I'm no longer a virgin... not quite sure if I ever admitted that on here, but since no one will ever know about this I think it is ok to write. I'm falling for this guy well and truly but it's only a matter of time before he sees the true me and ditches me, it will never last. Maybe if I lose some weight I will be able to keep for just a little bit longer.

For a while now everything has been going a long ok. I can't say I have ever forgotten about that fat that engulfs my body but being at the high end of normal weight didn't plague me day to day. No that's a lie it did but I got distracted by other things which made me stay this disgusting, hideous weight. It won't be with me for much longer!

Moving back to London

It is official I'm going back to London until early December. My shrink thought it was a very good idea, well she wanted me back in September to do some 'intensive therapy' but December isn't that much longer.

I'm so worried. I'm worried that without supervision my weight will drop very fast, which I would love! I'm also scared it will go the opposite way, I gained so much when I was in London before and I'm very anxious about this happening again. I'm anxious about everything, life in general, which I've never really had and I just can't seem to shake it.

I'm going to miss my nephew so much! He's 7 months old and this next 6 months is going to be massive in his development and I'm going to miss it all! I'm also going to come back and he will have no idea who I am.
I'm going to miss 'my children' the 5 I used to nanny for and are like my other family.

I don't want to go, but I do want to go. I just don't know what I want from my life, I don't think it will ever amount to anything.

Fasting.

26 hours down. I've had 3.5 calories which was my one can of sprite zero and then just lots of water, not enough water so really need to drink more tomorrow. I don't have a set number of days I want to fast for, just go until I start feeling bad and can't do it anymore. That may be finishing tomorrow, it may be next week who knows. As long as I can get away with it.

Have GP tomorrow for my knee, after the stupid thing hurting so much for months i went running today and it didn't hurt too much at all, how annoying,  I'll still go and see what she says about it.

Off to bed sooo very tired.

Weigh in....

So weigh in wasn't as bad as I was thinking it would be. I did gain 100 grams, but I thought I was going to be a minimum 1.5kg!!!
I do need to get everything sorted though!
I've been so stressed with all this packing and getting things into line. And then even more so now I got an email from my mum my uncle (who is VERY sick with cancer and has basically given up) caught the garage on fire and my aunty hears a bang at 1am and goes in and there he is in the middle with dressing gown on fire she manages to get him out and call fire brigade and police. He's now in hospital with 3rd degree burns and they can't do skingraph cause he was in such a bad way after chemo that they have nowhere to take it from.

I'm stressed about leaving work. Although the nanny replacing me who has been following me around for the week seems really lovely.

Life is crazy and hectic and I don't like it. I just need to stop eating all this crap then things will balance out.

Off with my boss to shop for my leaving present. God the last thing I want to do is go around Harrods trying on clothes. I feel like a fucking obese heffa.

30 Followers

I've reached 30 follower woo! I know to a lot of you that isn't a lot but  I'm excited. It means 30 people have read my blog thirty people have thought to themselves, I get that, or that isn't such bad reading I might want to find it again one day. Probably for tips or tricks to try and not turn out like the fat ugly person that I have turned in to. I wish you luck!

My plan to not throw up has not been going well.

I've got the urge to email my shrink. Don't know why she never fucking replies anyway.

Lost :)

A loss or this week. Not a lot, but considering the crap I've been eating it is a small miracle. So have lost 0.9kg which I know is NOTHING but I'm so relieved I didn't gain again. I want to lose another 3.1 in 2 weeks and one day which is doable but only if I'm really good.

I did not start off my only 2 weeks to lose 3.1 today I am sitting on around 700 (maybe 800 GAH) calories. But now I've got my small goal that I really want to reach I want to try hard. And I'm hoping these diet pills will help on those days that my willpower breaks. I'm not sure they will do all that much as they are sposed to stop you absorbing so much fat and stuff after meals and they say to have them straight after meals and take an extra one if you've had an extra big or fatty meal but my problem isn't the meals. It's the snacks I have throughout the day like the 35 cal biscuits that I nibble on or the bits of M's food when I feed him that is my real downfall which I don't think the tablets will help.

I hears hoping.

I've been throwing up A LOT lately most nights. Need to give it a break, not for my help but that last thing I need is for things to clog up :/

All the boxes to pack up my stuff arrived today. I don't want to move home. I know I've said that before, but I can't tell anyone else, especially my family!

Gained :(

So as expected I had gained on Wednesdays weigh in. 1.1kg fuck I was mortified, still am. I do think my scales are broken though cause this morning 2 days later I was down again -.4 more! Which I am not really happy with cause I know it just isn't true. The last three nights I have been eating soo much (at least 700 cals) but luckily throwing it all up. So the scales probably only read that cause I may be dehydrated or something.

I've been so exhausted lately. Literally in bed by 9:30! I'm like a grandma.

I have got to be down by next Wednesday, I mean properly down not this pretend down that is happening today. I can be fairly good tomorrow, have got a lunch on Sunday GRRRR! But then Monday Tuesday I plan to be perfect days, hoping I have the willpower.

Thinspo

After a two terrible days of eating... well not really days. I ate 1 very bad meal on each day... I was in need of some thinspiration to get me back on track.

5 Weeks to go...

Only 5 weeks of work left. Thank goodness! I feel bad saying that but I'm just so over it. Today my boss was 'working' from home and when I was down slaving away in the kitchen to cook M's dinner while he was asleep she came down to talk to me. Saying she's done so much work today she's deleted 900 emails from her inbox. Then told me she was going to duck out to the shops as she doesn't take enough breaks at work and that's why she gets headaches. Told me I probably don't take enough breaks either, but she supposes that's alright cause I don't sit in front of a computer all day. I felt like screaming at her, yah you're right I don't sit on my ass infront of a computer everyday I am up and out and going for 12hrs looking after your child lucky to sit down for 5 mins all day so stop sitting there whining at me.

On a more important note I have had  good day food wise. Total of 436 calories plus a trip the the gym. I am absolutely dreading my weigh in on Wednesday I know I've gained so really today and tomorrow is being good just trying to not gain anymore.

I hate being this fat. I HATE IT!

Lost 3.3 lbs!

Weigh in today and I've lost 1.5kg (3.3lbs) super excited about that cause its been awhile since I've lost a decent amount. Actually a lie I lost more than that the week before last :/ but that seems ages ago. 

Have got extra Paralympic tickets for tomorrow night. Wheelchair Rugby really looking forward to it cause it looks amazing! Just need to be strong with the food. I'm going straight from work so can say I've already eaten.... it's just a matter of me sticking to it.

I think the only bad day this week will be Saturday as going to Paralympics again but going early morning for half the day and then maybe to the movies with the same people so can't really get away with eating very little so am going to have to eat some sort of normal meal with them. So hopefully if I stay on track all the other days I might loose a decent amount of weight next week too :). 

I'm on such a high from the scales, I lost it during the day, but its back :)

Going strong

ABC Diet is still going strong, today's 100 calorie day went surprisingly well.  I think I mucked up a bit yesterday not completely sure what the calories were though so I'm going to say I went over (but I may not have) so  I will have less of my allowed calories tomorrow to make up for it. I don't feel bad doing that cause I was reading on the internet that there is really no rhyme  or reason to the specific days someone just wrote them down and that was it.

The scales say I have already lost weight... well yah 5 days I would bloody hope so but I don't think I've lost as much as they say. Why is it I always believe when I have a monster weight gain but not the loss?

So my sisters baby is officially a boy :) and I've started shopping, I'm thinking since it was conceived in London I would get a London suitcase (not a real one, just a touristy thing) and buy loads of clothes and things over here that they don't sell in Australia. I went into Ralph Lauren today (yes they do sell that in Aust, we're not that bad, but never go there) it was a bit depressing that the first time I shopped there and it isn't even for me. But they were having a huge sale so got three cute little outfits that my sister will LOVE.

Bit worried about Norway next week and keeping to the diet, I've really only got one day to worry about before I fly back for the Olympic opening ceremony but then I have to go back again :/ oh well I'll figure something out.

Pitiful weight loss.

What a sorry excuse I had for weight loss this week. 0.9kg, really that's just pathetic. But of course loosing so little I don't take the logical step, well logical in my world, and eat even less nooooo big fat obese me eats more! I was snacking all day I just couldn't stop. And I wonder why I'm so fat! huh!

I've just seen someone post the ABC diet on their blog, which I have seen someone write about before but never really given it much attention but thinking of giving it a go. I just don't know how it will work out with Norway, I could possibly start it when I get back but that seems so long away! Will have to give it some thought. Has anyone ever done it, if you muck up a day by having too many calories do you then just go on with it the next day or do you have to start again? This is it:

My old crush accepted my friend request on facebook, to be honest I actually forgot I had added him again. I also can't remember who deleted who. I do quite a lot of friend culling on there (I go through phases) but I have a feeling he might of deleted me. We have known eachother since primary school where he liked me for years he moved away to go to boarding school and we wrote to each other constantly and we were going to "go out" but then I was put into hospital for the first time and although he came to visit me we sort of just remained friends. He seems to start talking to me every time he breaks up with a girlfriend. I don't think I liked him all that much to be honest, more the thought back then of someone liking ME!

Anyway off to bed, babysitting late tonight as my boss went out to dinner and got early start tomorrow, oh the joy!