It's all changing and I can't stop it. I can see it, see it every time I say something and I know I should stop myself saying it but I'm just so comfortable around him now I can't stop it coming out. He never used to get annoyed. Now he does. Even when he doesn't say anything I can see it all over his face.
Everything that comes out of his mouth I twist around.
He is trying to help but even his help I twist around.
He says he will help me exercise (so you agree I'm a fat pig and need to exercise).
He says I just need to eat healthier (so he thinks I'm fat and disgusting and I don't deserve any treats).
I can't stop doing it, it's driving me even more isane and then I feel so guilty cause it upsets him so I feel even worse.
He deserves so much better than me. Someone who is skinny and sexy and pretty. Someone who isn't as dumb as a post. I just don't know why he is with me.
I don't get it.
And I think it's going to ruin us. But then I don't know if that's all in my head too. 😫😫
Tuesday 30 June 2015
Tuesday 23 June 2015
What I would say
What I would say if I could get the worlds out....
It might surprise you all to know that I have found myself a man... After a year and a bit it still surprises me and I am absolutely convinced that he is going to leave at any second. He is struggling at the moment with the fact that I am down and made a comment that if I hurt myself he will do the same. Now I know this was meant to be a 'I need to show you it hurts me when you do it' sort of statement but that's not what it's like. To say you will just do something... Something that I've been struggling with for around 12 years now it's like he just doesn't understand, and I'm sure he doesn't.
He also gets annoyed when I say he doesn't love me (fair enough I suppose) but I just know he doesn't.. How could he?!?!
He wants me to talk to him but I don't know how to get the words out to just say everything I want to without saying it wrong.
To say I love him so much, more than anything, but no I don't know he loves me. I know he likes me, puts up with me, sometimes I even think he might love me but it doesn't last for long.
Every time he tells me he loves me in my head I say no, don't talk shit. Everytime he says anything nice or compliments me in any way I'm saying the complete opposite in my head cause it just isn't true. I don't deserve his love, I don't deserve anything nice he does for me.
I want to ask him how he can possibly find me attractive because when I look in the mirror I just want to cry, which is why I avoid them. That everything about me is ugly and disgusting and I just don't want to be me.
He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever and I want that so very much but I try not to thinks about it because when it sometimes floats into my head it just makes me upset because I know it won't ever happen. He puts up with it now all my little thingsthat annoy him and upset him, but over time they will grown and grow until he can't deal with it anymore. I KNOW I will ruin this. I will ruin it with all my crap, but I don't know how to stop, it is all too much a part of me now, it has been there for so long I don't know how to be different.
I want to be so much better for him. I want to be attractive. So the first step is to lose weight...
It might surprise you all to know that I have found myself a man... After a year and a bit it still surprises me and I am absolutely convinced that he is going to leave at any second. He is struggling at the moment with the fact that I am down and made a comment that if I hurt myself he will do the same. Now I know this was meant to be a 'I need to show you it hurts me when you do it' sort of statement but that's not what it's like. To say you will just do something... Something that I've been struggling with for around 12 years now it's like he just doesn't understand, and I'm sure he doesn't.
He also gets annoyed when I say he doesn't love me (fair enough I suppose) but I just know he doesn't.. How could he?!?!
He wants me to talk to him but I don't know how to get the words out to just say everything I want to without saying it wrong.
To say I love him so much, more than anything, but no I don't know he loves me. I know he likes me, puts up with me, sometimes I even think he might love me but it doesn't last for long.
Every time he tells me he loves me in my head I say no, don't talk shit. Everytime he says anything nice or compliments me in any way I'm saying the complete opposite in my head cause it just isn't true. I don't deserve his love, I don't deserve anything nice he does for me.
I want to ask him how he can possibly find me attractive because when I look in the mirror I just want to cry, which is why I avoid them. That everything about me is ugly and disgusting and I just don't want to be me.
He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever and I want that so very much but I try not to thinks about it because when it sometimes floats into my head it just makes me upset because I know it won't ever happen. He puts up with it now all my little thingsthat annoy him and upset him, but over time they will grown and grow until he can't deal with it anymore. I KNOW I will ruin this. I will ruin it with all my crap, but I don't know how to stop, it is all too much a part of me now, it has been there for so long I don't know how to be different.
I want to be so much better for him. I want to be attractive. So the first step is to lose weight...
Friday 2 January 2015
The New Year is Here
The New Year is here and I can't say I'm looking forward to it.
I haven't posted in such a long time... I seem to start most posts like that these days.
In good news I haven't cut this year. ha can only say that at the start of each new year. I am going to try and make a proper effort to not do it though or at least to not do it on the first urge... it's just the only way I know how to deal with things when everything gets too much.
I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here but I have got myself a boyfriend... I know, I know shock horror! It has been 8 months now and it makes me so happy but so crazy at the same time. I just can't understand that anyone is attracted to me or likes me but apparently he loves me and thinks I'm sexy... I just don't get it and it stresses me out. When I'm with me he just makes me so very happy though.
My work life isn't the best. The little munchkin I look after is at nursery 5 mornings a week so I run errands for the mum, which was fine when it first started every now and again but now it is expected and she puts off doing thing herself cause she knows I can do it. It isn't my job and I'm beginning to resent it. My guilt for leaving a job without a reason prevents me for leaving (and no my unhappiness does not count as a reason). I was hoping that they would move to the country and that could be my out but that now isn't happening they are staying in London and I am stuck without a reason to leave.
A new year has started and nothing has changed. Yet again.
Resolutions for this year:
I haven't posted in such a long time... I seem to start most posts like that these days.
In good news I haven't cut this year. ha can only say that at the start of each new year. I am going to try and make a proper effort to not do it though or at least to not do it on the first urge... it's just the only way I know how to deal with things when everything gets too much.
I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here but I have got myself a boyfriend... I know, I know shock horror! It has been 8 months now and it makes me so happy but so crazy at the same time. I just can't understand that anyone is attracted to me or likes me but apparently he loves me and thinks I'm sexy... I just don't get it and it stresses me out. When I'm with me he just makes me so very happy though.
My work life isn't the best. The little munchkin I look after is at nursery 5 mornings a week so I run errands for the mum, which was fine when it first started every now and again but now it is expected and she puts off doing thing herself cause she knows I can do it. It isn't my job and I'm beginning to resent it. My guilt for leaving a job without a reason prevents me for leaving (and no my unhappiness does not count as a reason). I was hoping that they would move to the country and that could be my out but that now isn't happening they are staying in London and I am stuck without a reason to leave.
A new year has started and nothing has changed. Yet again.
Resolutions for this year:
- to lose this fat that is all over my body
- to make an effort to not cut
- to find the balls to quit my job
- find a new flat
- to blog more so I can get my thoughts out of my head
- to get back into running
- travel to 2 new countries
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