Too Fat, Too Fat, Too Fat!

Falling down again. I'm not sure what has changed... well lots has changed but I'm not sure what has given me that shove, a shove that I seem to be welcoming back with open arms.

For the last week I have been throwing up every day, sometimes twice, today was the only binge other times I just thought the meal was too much. It's funny how things slip back into place so easily.
I've been cutting a lot more as well, the release is just like it used to be, not as good, but still there.
I do want to stop the vomiting and the only way to do that is to restrict. I need that addictive, amazing high now and that is the only other way I know to get it.

I haven't written in so long. I've slipped back into work and London life like I never left. I'm not enjoying work much at the moment at all, a lot of travel involved and it is very stressful.
The major thing that has changed is I'm no longer a virgin... not quite sure if I ever admitted that on here, but since no one will ever know about this I think it is ok to write. I'm falling for this guy well and truly but it's only a matter of time before he sees the true me and ditches me, it will never last. Maybe if I lose some weight I will be able to keep for just a little bit longer.

For a while now everything has been going a long ok. I can't say I have ever forgotten about that fat that engulfs my body but being at the high end of normal weight didn't plague me day to day. No that's a lie it did but I got distracted by other things which made me stay this disgusting, hideous weight. It won't be with me for much longer!

Watch me Shrink

I haven't done a blog in such a long time, life has been very busy, mostly fun, lots of adventures and distractions but with that came a lot of weight gain. And I really can't stand it anymore. The last straight was going out for my birthday last night and my favourite dress was tight I was mortified and nearly broke down crying but obviously had to keep it together so my friends don't think I'm completely crazy. So it starts again, my blog, my diets, my weighing, my shrinking....

I will hopefully be getting more time over the next two weeks to blog before I have to go away for a week for work. So my diet needs to be perfect for two weeks to hopefully maintain for the week I'm away and then continue losing again on return.

I am considering posting my weight as an extreme measure of just how disgusting I have got and so I can show everyone the numbers going down down down but I'm not sure if I'm brave enough cause it is the most I've been in such a long time. We will see.

Off for a run and need to take my measurement :(

Stay strong.

3 months down

So I've been back in London for just over three months. All started out great, it cut out my pretty much daily cutting and vomiting out cause I just couldn't do it ( work was busy, plus I'm a live in nanny nada we travel a lot and I could never expose the children to that if for some crazy reason they happened to find out. So it was brilliant for about a month, now it's going down hill again. Nothing has changed, just my thinking. I've started cutting again, although not nearly as much as I feel the need to.

I've hit very annoying maintaining with my weight. I put on when I came over then got myself under control and am smaller than when I left Australia but now I'm staying the same (this week I think I've gained but too scared to look). The last few weeks I can't stop eating, I hate it and it makes me want to cut even more. I'm so close to my first goal weight I just don't want to ruin it, but the fat failure that I am I probably will. I get officially weighed on Wednesday so now where I sit, hopefully I haven't gained but will get back on track and lose lose lose!

I just want to cry when I look in the mirror, well not even look in the mirror just when the thought of me crosses my mind.

I hate it! I hate me so so much!

Packing

So I've just started packing and is always the way with me I've got way to much crap that I want to take with me. I'm finding it quite stressful trying to take things out cause I can't afford to buy lots of new stuff as soon as I get there so sort of need it all. There are of course a few things I've already put back in the cupboard knowing my boss would think they are awful, even though I love them! She's big into fashion, buys the most expensive clothes and I just know I won't be able to cope with the comments in the frame of mind I'm in at the moment.

I'm getting more and more anxious about not having scales with me. I won't be able to see it going on (if it does, hopefully it won't!) I won't be able to check each day and by the time my clothes start getting tight it's too late I'm already fat, it is really freaking me out, I can't stop thinking about it and I can't talk to anyone about it cause they will just laugh at me.

A few people in one of my posts suggested that I see/talk to someone in London. My shrink does actually want me to do this but it isn't really possible. She doesn't know anyone over there to recommend, which isn't a bad thing would be happy to find my own but since I work 7am - 7pm  Monday - Friday there isn't really a chance for me to see anyone. There were a couple of people I was looking up that do evening sessions but I'm assuming evening sessions would finish at around 6:30 and I wouldn't be able to get to anyone until 7:30 at the absolute earliest - and that's if they are really close, so I might just have to try and keep myself sane hahaha yep I'm laughing at that too!

Moving back to London

It is official I'm going back to London until early December. My shrink thought it was a very good idea, well she wanted me back in September to do some 'intensive therapy' but December isn't that much longer.

I'm so worried. I'm worried that without supervision my weight will drop very fast, which I would love! I'm also scared it will go the opposite way, I gained so much when I was in London before and I'm very anxious about this happening again. I'm anxious about everything, life in general, which I've never really had and I just can't seem to shake it.

I'm going to miss my nephew so much! He's 7 months old and this next 6 months is going to be massive in his development and I'm going to miss it all! I'm also going to come back and he will have no idea who I am.
I'm going to miss 'my children' the 5 I used to nanny for and are like my other family.

I don't want to go, but I do want to go. I just don't know what I want from my life, I don't think it will ever amount to anything.

Giving up laxatives!

I really need to remember why I started this blog (how many times have I said that?) I started it to keep myself honest to track my progress and to get all this shit out of my head and I need to get back to that. Things are just out of control with my eating. My goal this week is to give up laxatives, I'm using them more and have to take more and more each time to get them to work, so what I want to do is to STOP. Take them at the absolute most once a week instead of the nearly every day I've been doing for the last month. I need to do this or I am going to screw up my body, well more so than it already is.

I'm also going back to writing everything down for my daily intake. I decided about a month ago (ish) to work in net which I never did before but I quite like it.

Breakfast: nothing (0)

Lunch: nothing (0)

Dinner: nothing (0)

Snacks: nothing (0)

Exercise: 1hr on treadmill walking/running and 15 mins on bike (616)

Total: -616

Blogs Disappeared!

I've just logged in, after quite a while to see that all the blogs I have been following are no longer on my list. It now just says you are not following any blogs click the add button to add to your reading list. WTF! I don't even know what half of my favourite ones were called, I didn't need to know cause they were in my list. You have no idea how annoyed I am.

Things haven't been amazing hence not writing for so long, I honestly just can't be bothered doing anything. My days involve watching numerous dvds and pretty much not leaving the couch. I'm cutting more, I'm attempting to fast, every time I break it I throw it up and start again.

I'm sick of stupid comments from my family, I get looks when I put toast in the toaster 'what are you doing? why are you breaking so badly tonight?' I feel like screaming I have not touched one calorie for 2 days and I'm going to throw this up anyway but I don't, it just means I'm doing my job and hiding it will that they don't know I haven't kept anything down for nearly a week.

I'm working tomorrow and Saturday, I don't want to, which is a worry cause I love work and am working for my favourite family. But as I said I'm just over it, over every fucking thing.

Fasting.

26 hours down. I've had 3.5 calories which was my one can of sprite zero and then just lots of water, not enough water so really need to drink more tomorrow. I don't have a set number of days I want to fast for, just go until I start feeling bad and can't do it anymore. That may be finishing tomorrow, it may be next week who knows. As long as I can get away with it.

Have GP tomorrow for my knee, after the stupid thing hurting so much for months i went running today and it didn't hurt too much at all, how annoying,  I'll still go and see what she says about it.

Off to bed sooo very tired.

Instagram.

Last night I  made a new account on instagram for my ana self and just stuff that I can't post on my regular account so if you want to follow me I'm life_with_anorexia_take2 I don't have many photos up there yet but will get more things going up soon.

Today was not amazing I did a 17km walk with only a tiny bit of running, I was going so slow by the end cause my legs and knee were just so sore, I just wanted to lay down and die, had to make it back to the car though. I only burnt 1081 with the slow pace I had to keep up but it's better than nothing. Sort of ruined it with food tonight as well and had some of the kids nachos, just picked at theirs not my own serve but was something that wasn't planned which is annoying. Daily intake was net -660 ate 421 BLAH!

After just over two weeks of not cutting, wanting to but resisting, I cut this morning, I was just so frustrated with everything.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Scales going down :)

Scales are going down, I'm greatful, but it's not making me happy, nothing is making me happy. All I want to do is just stay in bed all day. I've got nothing in my life, nothing.

My knee is still hurting a lot I could only run for 1 minute yesterday before I just couldn't run on it at all so had to walk the 10km instead which is very annoying. I was supposed to go to GP about it today but she's sick so am going on Monday. Hopefully she'll be abl to sort things out cause if I can't run how am I going to get rid of all this fat?

The Biggest Loser

A new season of The Biggest Loser as just started here so I have programmed to tape it every night and use it as my motivation and I really need some!

After having 0 calories yesterday (YAY) I woke up this morning feeling like I wouldn't be able to cope on the 150 I was allowed today so swapped my 150 day for a 350 day later in the week which means my total for today was 326. After a day of fasting it sounds like so much. I did my 10km walk and not much else. I've lost hardly anything this week, it's freaky me out.

I emailed Val today, my psychiatrist's receptionists, she is lovely. So yah have made an appointment it was for Monday 15th April but then she emailed back and said that the doc is out of the office that day but has offered to come in the Friday before, which is now happening but I feel awful cause she doesn't work on Fridays so now I feel bad she is going into the office to see me. I did say that I would wait until the end of April (when I get back from Fiji) but they said Friday was good so now that's what is happening. Hopefully I will weigh a lot less than I do now by then.

I started my iron and B12 tablets today, not really to be healthy but hopefully they will give me more energy so I can get back to the gym and not just do my walks.

Sunday Intake

Not much to write, my life is as boring as hell. I've only lost 300 grams this week which has got me freaking out a bit this time last week I had already lost a kilo.

It's a fast day today so have had nothing to eat :) I'm on such a high I forgot how amazing you can feel while fasting. I've been trying to drink lots of water but haven't been having loads caues it makes me pee so much, seriously like every 20 minutes.

I'm sitting here watching Here comes Honey Boo Boo,if that's not thinspiration I don't know what is. If I have get close to looking like her mother I think I would die... I know that is really bitchy but I really don't understand how people get to that size.

Update weight tomorrow

I've decided not to say what I lost today :) but thought I would do it Friday cause that is when I started the ABC so it will be one week on that diet and will be good to see how much I lose.

I'm a bit worried about seeing the GP tomorrow. I just feel like such a fraud and that I am wasting her time. She'll ask me how I'm going on the medication - I'll tell her I haven't started it. She'll ask when my appointment is with my shrink - I'll tell her i haven't even phoned up to book yet. She'll ask how my eating is going - I'll tell her amazing but she won't agree.
I  wonder what my blood tests have revealed, probably nothing cause I' have been eating like a fat pig for soo long now that everything will be normal.

Calories today stand at 200 exactly and a 10km walk I don't think my weight will change much if anything for tomorrow which makes me want to cry.

Oh well we'll see how we go.

The new GP

So saw the new GP this morning, I like her a lot, she seems lovely and very friendly. I gave her my history she seemed concerned that things were coming back I tried to explain that my thoughts/thinking never actually changed but she still seemed concerned. Was weighed and not allowed to look god that hasn't happened in so long!
I got my referral this is what she wrote:

Thank you for seeing ..... , age 25 years, for your opinion and management. On her return from the UK she has had an exacerbation of her eating disorder symptoms, and her mood is becoming lower. She has had thoughts of cutting, and has started purging again. I have started her back on her Pristiq while waiting to see you. Her obs are stable at present and she has no suicidal thoughts.

geez!

So yah sposed to start back on medication, not sure if I will though. I mean seriously I was on medication for years and as I said my thoughts never changed, sure I could function go to work etc but i still had them they just didn't completely take over my life anymore.
She wants me to go back again next week to discuss blood results, I told her I thought they would be normal (which they will be) cause I've been eating like a fat fucking pig for so long they would have to be.

In other news I had a decent day with calories. 226 total probably actually a bit less cause I rounded a few things up. Didn't go to the gym just couldn't be bothered today but did walk around the shopping centre for about 4 hours carrying a baby.

Falling apart!

I feel my mind, myself falling apart more and more each day. I know I should see me dr, but I don't want to while I'm this fat. I lost 1.3kg on Thursday for the weekly weigh in but have since ruined it surprise, surprise. I don't know why if I'm feeling so crap again why I can't just lose more and more and keep it off.

One day I just want to look in the mirror and like what I see, not even like it, just not hate and despise it. It's no wonder I don't have a boyfriend when I look like this, no one is ever going to want me, desire me. I hate myself so much I just want to disappear.

Followers?

How in the world do I get more followers? I've been sitting at 83 for so long now and it is really giving me the shits! So many of you have hundreds and hundreds.

Today went alright, sort of stuffed it up tonight though but I'm still putting it in the 'alight' day column (no I don't actually have columns just in my head :/ )
I was at the gym for about 4 hrs today, not exercising the entire time haha I wish, I'm not that good! I walked/ran 10kms then did some weights and stuff and did a boxing class, god I felt amazing. Especially after my run! For days I've been running for 10 - 15 minutes then giving up and getting lazy but I actually finished the 30 minutes I wanted to do straight running then just walked really fast for the rest of the time. I also worked really hard in boxing this week, not like last week where every time the instructor turned around I stopped putting effort in. I then did a few rounds of the sauna, steam room and cold room. I could live in the cold room, LOVE it!

The day was going perfectly until I got home from the gym went at the perfect time so had excuse to miss lunch, and dinner but then when I got home I started snacking. AHHHHHHH! So today I'm sitting on about 600 calories but I burnt off well over 1100 at the gym so I'm comforting myself with that thought hoping I can be stronger tomorrow.

Can do better

So today didn't go as well as I had hoped for. I was suppose to go to the gym twice but my sister pulled out of boxing tonight and I didn't want to go by myself so I only did 1 hour at the gym and if I knew I was only going to go the once I would have worked A LOT harder.

Calories I don't know exactly how many I've had I assume around 500. I didn't want to eat anywhere near that much but I guess it's a start.

I'm really worried about this weeks weigh in! I've got to lose 2kg by Thursday morning just to stay the same. GRRR! I always manage to stuff it up.

Down 2kg.

I haven't written for ages, but I am down another 2kg. The first week was good lost 1.7 then the next week I lost 300 grams. What a complete waste! I spent 2 hours at the gym nearly every day burning between 750 and 1000 calories for a stupid 300 grams. 300 FUCKING GRAMS! I'm over it, so close to giving up. I just want it to come off, to melt away but it's not working.

We're trying on bridesmaid dresses on Thursday, just what I need. I hate trying clothes on. My promise to myself to not be a fat bridesmaid isn't going to happen.

I just need to get rid of this fat!

Weigh in

I gained this morning at my weight watchers weigh in, I knew I would. It wasn't actually as much as I thought it was going to be 0.5kg so hopefully by next weigh in I will have lost that plus some more.

Anxiety

I had the worst anxiety last night! My sister had a house warnming dinner (just for family) and I went in planning to count my points and not break my diet but it didn't happen. I ate, and then knowing if I stopped eating straight away I wouldn't be able to throw up cause we wouldn't leave straight away I kept on eating! From the moment I stopped ( i kept drinking sprite zero) my anxiet level went through the roof I was practically climbing the walls, I nearly started crying! I didn't have my car with me so had to wait until mum and dad wanted to leave it was awful! I haven't felt that way in such a long time! So we finally got home and I went straight in and threw up but you never bring EVERYTHING up. It's my weigh in tomorrow with WW and I'm totally freaked out! I know I've ruined! Ruined it for one fcking meal! How could I be so, so stupid?!? As well as throwing up I downed some laxatives so I'm hoping to have at the very least stayed the same. I hope I haven't gained!

I'm back on track today, but that isn't going to make a difference.