Watch me Shrink

I haven't done a blog in such a long time, life has been very busy, mostly fun, lots of adventures and distractions but with that came a lot of weight gain. And I really can't stand it anymore. The last straight was going out for my birthday last night and my favourite dress was tight I was mortified and nearly broke down crying but obviously had to keep it together so my friends don't think I'm completely crazy. So it starts again, my blog, my diets, my weighing, my shrinking....

I will hopefully be getting more time over the next two weeks to blog before I have to go away for a week for work. So my diet needs to be perfect for two weeks to hopefully maintain for the week I'm away and then continue losing again on return.

I am considering posting my weight as an extreme measure of just how disgusting I have got and so I can show everyone the numbers going down down down but I'm not sure if I'm brave enough cause it is the most I've been in such a long time. We will see.

Off for a run and need to take my measurement :(

Stay strong.

Moving back to London

It is official I'm going back to London until early December. My shrink thought it was a very good idea, well she wanted me back in September to do some 'intensive therapy' but December isn't that much longer.

I'm so worried. I'm worried that without supervision my weight will drop very fast, which I would love! I'm also scared it will go the opposite way, I gained so much when I was in London before and I'm very anxious about this happening again. I'm anxious about everything, life in general, which I've never really had and I just can't seem to shake it.

I'm going to miss my nephew so much! He's 7 months old and this next 6 months is going to be massive in his development and I'm going to miss it all! I'm also going to come back and he will have no idea who I am.
I'm going to miss 'my children' the 5 I used to nanny for and are like my other family.

I don't want to go, but I do want to go. I just don't know what I want from my life, I don't think it will ever amount to anything.

Giving up laxatives!

I really need to remember why I started this blog (how many times have I said that?) I started it to keep myself honest to track my progress and to get all this shit out of my head and I need to get back to that. Things are just out of control with my eating. My goal this week is to give up laxatives, I'm using them more and have to take more and more each time to get them to work, so what I want to do is to STOP. Take them at the absolute most once a week instead of the nearly every day I've been doing for the last month. I need to do this or I am going to screw up my body, well more so than it already is.

I'm also going back to writing everything down for my daily intake. I decided about a month ago (ish) to work in net which I never did before but I quite like it.

Breakfast: nothing (0)

Lunch: nothing (0)

Dinner: nothing (0)

Snacks: nothing (0)

Exercise: 1hr on treadmill walking/running and 15 mins on bike (616)

Total: -616

Beautiful!

 

 

In desperate need of some thinspiration.

A girl can only dream....

 

 

3kg loss.

Week 1 down on the ABC Diet and a loss of 3kg. I'm happy with that but know it could be a lot better. The weight didn't go down as much in the second half of the week, with a lousy 0.2 last night, I'm getting really worried that it is going to stop and even if I stick to the diet it won't go down more. I was losing 0.2 on 200 calories this week I have some 400 and 500 calorie days how am I ever going to get rid of this fat on that?
I'm going to try and be strong though I have to have faith that a lot of people have had great sucess on this.

Saw GP this morning. She didn't weigh me, which to be honest I was a bit put out by, I was expecting it and then it didn't happen, it just means I look fat and don't need to be weighed. She didn't seem to concerned that I hadn't started anti-depressants or that I had not contacted the shrink.
My blood results came back I'm extremely low in iron and B12 so she has prescribed stuff for that which I went out of her office thinking I'm not going to take them but then I thought to myself if they are going to give me more energy and make me feel better it might help me get back to the gym and do more than just my 10km walks... we'll see.

Down 2kg.

I haven't written for ages, but I am down another 2kg. The first week was good lost 1.7 then the next week I lost 300 grams. What a complete waste! I spent 2 hours at the gym nearly every day burning between 750 and 1000 calories for a stupid 300 grams. 300 FUCKING GRAMS! I'm over it, so close to giving up. I just want it to come off, to melt away but it's not working.

We're trying on bridesmaid dresses on Thursday, just what I need. I hate trying clothes on. My promise to myself to not be a fat bridesmaid isn't going to happen.

I just need to get rid of this fat!

A new year a new me.

It's that time of year again, that time where nearly the entire world has a new years resolution to lose weight. And unfortunately I am among them. For as long as I can remember it has always been number one on my list I don't know what I would have on the list if it wasn't to do with getting rid of this disgusting fat that engulfs my body.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were not good. I completely lost my willpower on Christmas Eve. It's awful just how much damage can be done in one and a half days of not watching what you eat. I've put on 1.8. Just shows that you can never break, never lose your willpower, never lose focus of the goal that you want or it all gets ruined.

Anxiety

I had the worst anxiety last night! My sister had a house warnming dinner (just for family) and I went in planning to count my points and not break my diet but it didn't happen. I ate, and then knowing if I stopped eating straight away I wouldn't be able to throw up cause we wouldn't leave straight away I kept on eating! From the moment I stopped ( i kept drinking sprite zero) my anxiet level went through the roof I was practically climbing the walls, I nearly started crying! I didn't have my car with me so had to wait until mum and dad wanted to leave it was awful! I haven't felt that way in such a long time! So we finally got home and I went straight in and threw up but you never bring EVERYTHING up. It's my weigh in tomorrow with WW and I'm totally freaked out! I know I've ruined! Ruined it for one fcking meal! How could I be so, so stupid?!? As well as throwing up I downed some laxatives so I'm hoping to have at the very least stayed the same. I hope I haven't gained!

I'm back on track today, but that isn't going to make a difference.

Lost again.

Was excited for weigh in yesterday lost another 1.6kg! Which isn't as good as the first week but I suppose I can't really expect to lose that much every week. In two weeks I've lost 5% of my body weight which is a decent effort. But need to do so much more.
One of my friends said today that I'm looking too thin. For half a second it made me feel good, made me smile but after that split second I was annoyed. I hate people saying that to me when I'm so clearly not! It just makes me so angry!

I cut again two days ago, stressing out about weigh in and just generally feeling like shit. I just wanted to cry so I cut instead. The urge is coming back again today.

I just hate that I have nothing in my life. Absolutely nothing! Well I've got family ofcourse but they don't count. i want somethign of my own, anything!

The family I used to work for asked me to go away with them this weekend, I'm not. I can think of nothing I would rather do less, which is quite worrying cause they have always been my sanity. Always. And I would always put everything else off to spend more time with them and now I just can't be bothered.

Can't get back on track.

I just can't keep myself on track. It's bloody terrible. I feel like such a fat crap piece of shit. I generally avoid mirrors at all costs but I'm now thinking if I make myself stand in front of the  mirror for a few minutes before my shower and actually look I will be so revolted that I may actually stick to a decent calorie intake. 

I'm going to start weight watchers. My first weigh in will be on Thursday, but will start counting points tomorrow. I really think if a complete stranger is weighing me in each week (which is mortifying in itself) then that will make we work really hard to lose something cause I don't want them to think I'm a fat cow.

Things were good until dinner time tonight. But I'm hoping my 10km walk this morning helps me which means dinner wasn't as bad as it actually could have been.

My sisters, mum and I went wedding dress shopping for L today and she found something (ofcourse looked absolutely stunning in it as well!) I had to try on a few bridesmaid dresses as K couldn't do it being ready to pop and everything. I looked awful! Don't get me wrong I loved the dress... on the hanger. But I can't be a fat bridesmaid I just can't!

Fingers crossed I have a decent day with food tomorrow!

Weigh in....

So weigh in wasn't as bad as I was thinking it would be. I did gain 100 grams, but I thought I was going to be a minimum 1.5kg!!!
I do need to get everything sorted though!
I've been so stressed with all this packing and getting things into line. And then even more so now I got an email from my mum my uncle (who is VERY sick with cancer and has basically given up) caught the garage on fire and my aunty hears a bang at 1am and goes in and there he is in the middle with dressing gown on fire she manages to get him out and call fire brigade and police. He's now in hospital with 3rd degree burns and they can't do skingraph cause he was in such a bad way after chemo that they have nowhere to take it from.

I'm stressed about leaving work. Although the nanny replacing me who has been following me around for the week seems really lovely.

Life is crazy and hectic and I don't like it. I just need to stop eating all this crap then things will balance out.

Off with my boss to shop for my leaving present. God the last thing I want to do is go around Harrods trying on clothes. I feel like a fucking obese heffa.

Thinspo

After a two terrible days of eating... well not really days. I ate 1 very bad meal on each day... I was in need of some thinspiration to get me back on track.

One day at a time.

Until I get passed these few times I have to go out and actually be social I am not doing any set diet, just trying to keep my calories low. Cause if I started a proper diet like the ABC again I will have ruined cause I find it quite hard to count calories in a restaurant, yes I can guess but what if I am out I would have gone over calories and not even know it! That freaks me out.

Today I did really well. Finally! My total calories was 429. And walked home which burnt 469!! So if you work in net I'm on -40 but since I don't work in net (damn) I'm still on 429. lol.

I still can't get the comments of I can be really beautiful I've just need to reach my potential out of my head. Everything they said just keeps on going round and round in my head. I guess I should be greatful, its the kick start I needed.

Going strong

ABC Diet is still going strong, today's 100 calorie day went surprisingly well.  I think I mucked up a bit yesterday not completely sure what the calories were though so I'm going to say I went over (but I may not have) so  I will have less of my allowed calories tomorrow to make up for it. I don't feel bad doing that cause I was reading on the internet that there is really no rhyme  or reason to the specific days someone just wrote them down and that was it.

The scales say I have already lost weight... well yah 5 days I would bloody hope so but I don't think I've lost as much as they say. Why is it I always believe when I have a monster weight gain but not the loss?

So my sisters baby is officially a boy :) and I've started shopping, I'm thinking since it was conceived in London I would get a London suitcase (not a real one, just a touristy thing) and buy loads of clothes and things over here that they don't sell in Australia. I went into Ralph Lauren today (yes they do sell that in Aust, we're not that bad, but never go there) it was a bit depressing that the first time I shopped there and it isn't even for me. But they were having a huge sale so got three cute little outfits that my sister will LOVE.

Bit worried about Norway next week and keeping to the diet, I've really only got one day to worry about before I fly back for the Olympic opening ceremony but then I have to go back again :/ oh well I'll figure something out.

Strained neck.

Do you think you can strain your neck while vomiting? Cause I may have just done so. Cause it bloody hurts. I guess it serves me right for me such a fat, disgusting pig.

I was going fairly well up until after work when I went to this group, sort of women's group, what is the name of that movie where the women's group does a naked calender for fundraising? Anyway like that. My flatmate wanted me to go along so did and they served cake! Fuck me! It wasn't even worth breaking for, it was lemon, which isn't disgusting but soo not something I was choose to break my diet over. AND then flatmate asks did I have dinner! Thinking I was completely safe as this meeting didn't finish till 9:30 and we both have to work early in the morning I said I hadn't so then went for fish and chips... which is the long tale of why I actually strained my neck throwing up. I know I wouldn't have got it ALL cause I was trying to be quiet and quick, a disaster combination for a bulimic who's only aim is to bring all the food back up but alas I did not and now have an injury to boot. Fingers crossed that I got most of it up though.

And what's even worse? Is I did all of this the night before  I weigh in. I'm totally screwed! Even if I had lost some I would have put it all back on.