Freaking out about weigh in.

I'm so worried about weighing myself, I know it isn't for another 3.5 days but I'm freaking out! I used to be on the scales every day, more like 2-4 times a day just checking the damage I had done, calming down when I hadn't gained. But now I just get so scared to get on, I know the number will have gone up this week. I've been terrible. I hate it.

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Chicken wrap (1/4 - 1/2 chicken breast depending how good or bad I've been for the day, some onion, a squirt of BBQ sauce on a white tortilla wrap) = 250 calories

Snacks: Rusks = 57 calories

3x strawberry lollies = 28.5

Total = 523.50 calories

How am I ever going to loose weight eating like that? I hate it. 

On the plus side I wasn't such a lazy cow today. Went for about a 40 minute walk had some hills and for half of it was carrying my charge on my back who is 12kg. Also did 100 laps in the pool, which doesn't really count as 100 cause the pool is not huge but some exercise is better than the none I did yesterday.

I was supposed to email my shrink a few weeks ago. Keep on putting it off, don't know what to tell her, I'm trying hard to loose weight but am still a big fat pig so nothing to worry about?!?!

See blog title...

The name of my blog really says it all.

TOO FAT FOR WORDS!!!!!

I absolutely and positively disgust myself! I was going alright till we got to the airport to fly to Norway, actually even then I was going well, didn't touch any of the food in the business class lounge like I normally do, to my bosses 'what aren't you eating anything?'  ' No I'm not hungry' 

Had the meal on the plane, chicken, wasn't a huge amount and obviously only ate the chicken and left everything else oh and the bread roll cause I was bloody hungry at this point. 

The bad things happened when I got to Norway it was my charges father's birthday. So we had a birthday dinner, Chinese, which I had to chicken skewers, a few small pieces of chicken and half a spring roll. But then had 2 slices of chocolate mouse cake. GRRRR!

Definately going to be stronger tomorrow. Weekend but I have to work... getting so fed up with my boss, normally get on so well and love my job but I'm just getting more and more over it.

Feeding Frenzy

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! This is what I do. I am so good until I have to break and then I just can't stop eating. I have eaten pretty much everything in site today, I feel disgusting.

I start again tomorrow. I won't be able to go as good as I was last week cause I'll be in Norway for work with a boss that insists everyone sit down for a family dinner. Very annoying. But I am hoping to have apple for breakfast and lunch and then a chicken wrap for dinner which I can do every night cause she knows I'm a very fussy eater. So even eating all that it should still bring me under 800 calories a day plus with the indoor swimming pool I will be exercising EVERY night which I wasn't doing last week so maybe it won't be so bad.  Fingers crossed anyway.

Hopefully over the weekend I will be able to blog lots of thinspo cause I'm taking my laptop with me, hopefully it will connect to the internet, it didn't last time.

I'm going to be strong... my goal for the 2 weeks I'm away is to be strong, not perfect but strong. I know I can do it. And I think knowing I am going to write about it on here will help, even though no one is reading one day someone might and knowing that it will keep me on track.

I will be strong!

Happy Birthday to me!

Woke up this morning and felt really depressed, my birthday and all my family is across the other side of the world. Didn't have too much time to dwell on it though as had an early start at work and had to get my butt into gear.

For about 5 minutes this morning I was sooo happy. It was weigh day and I was an entire 2.5kg (5.5 pounds) I was beyond happy and excited. But then I went down as I remembered it's my birthday I'm going out to dinner, I'm having tea with my boss. I was so depressed about it I thought about cancelling everything but I couldn't how can I cancel tea with my boss when I'm already there? I am absolutely disgusted with myself started the day alright but then by mid afternoon I thought I'm already going to break tonight so why not just be a fat big and eat the two pieces of chocolate that are left ( from yesterday) then not only did I have a piece of cake with my boss I had 3 pieces of cake with my boss they were worth a good 225 calories (possibly more) each!!! FUCK ME! I then went out to dinner had a burger and fries and a cocktail. I feel like the fattest pig on earth. How on earth am I going to loose weight when I eat like that. I know all that I lost I have now put back on.

I'm just so disappointed with myself.
Also got this care parcel from my mum. easter eggs, red frogs, rusks, chocolate, biscuits what on earth am I going to do I feel too guilty to throw it all out she spent so much money on buying it and then posting it over. I've been looking about all the calories of it all so maybe if I have been good all week I can have on treat at the end of the week or something.

Really worried about how I'm going to go in Norway how am I not going to eat with people watching? The only plus side is they have an indoor swimming pool so can do laps every night.

Scored some good pressies. My mum got me, a few weeks ago when she was in London visiting, an Ipad for my birthday, I got a Cath Kidston travel bag and a beautiful smythson diary from my boss, I got 40 pounds (on an Australian laptop don't have the pound sign) worth of vouchers to Oliver Bonas from my room mates, $100 from 'grandma' I adopted her as my own but really the grandmother of the children I used to look after and the present from the kids I used to look after and my sisters are still on the way, so they say.

I've got a lot to be greatful for but all I feel like is a big fat ugly heffa.

Yet another rubbish day....

I am such a fat fucking pig! It revolts me!

So everything was going along had my apple for breakfast and my snack a jacks for lunch, I also planned that since I was going to the gym I would have snack a jacks for dinner too instead of an apple in the hopes it would give me a bit more energy. But no, no I had to be a big fat big and have two bits of chocolate at work too! And I have just been searching everywhere online for the calorie content but don't know the name of them and it is really stressing me out!!!!

Did a class at the gym which I was feeling really good about before I want knowing that i was going to be doing it. But got there and I am just so disgustingly unfit. Honestly I nearly worked out! The entire time going through my head was I am so fat, the biggest one here, I bet they are all thinking how stupid I look and I should just go home and eat more crap as that all I do by the look of me.
I avoid mirrors at all costs but obviously in the gym it is mirror overload when doing class I just looked utterly pathetic, I wanted to cry... nearly did, but the thought of that making me look even more stupid stopped me.
I made it through the class, but could have done so much better.

You know you must look really said when even a homeless guy says to you 'cheer up darlin' which is what happened to me on the way home from the gym. haha. I was sooo down, didn't know it showed though.

Really, really, really stressing about dinner tomorrow night, and my boss said she would come home early so we could have tea FUCK! So tomorrow I'm going to be completely screwed! And it's weigh in day :(

Breakfast: Small apple = 47 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Snack a Jacks = 106 calories (different flavour)

Snacks: Orange juice = 20 calories

Chocolate = 240 ? calories

Total = 521 calories

ARHHHHHHHHHHH! That is so fucking rubbish! I still don't know what chocolate it was but have compared it to one of a similar size and put that down.

Hopefully tomorrow it will be a better day, actually scrap that it will be a worse day cause it's my birthday and I will have to eat so much.

79 calories in a lindt ball!!!

Alright so I just got home and looked up how many calories in a Lindt ball and fuck me! There are 79 calories! what a complete waste, what a stupid moment of weakness!
Was going quite good until that oh and the 2 random crackers I had cause I was so bloody starving.

Work went well, although I did no formal exercise today (was just soo tired didn't go to the gym) I did a lot of working with the baby I look after and a lot of crawling around.

Was going so well food wise until this afternoon when I was just so hungry and while at someone else's house preparing M's dinner I couldn't resist stealing two crackers out of their container. I wouldn't think it was more than 20 all up but still!

Breakfast: small apple= 47 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks= 108 calories

Dinner: small apple = 47 calories

Snacks: 2 x crackers = 20? calories

1x Lindt ball = 79 calories!!!

Rusks = 57 calories

Orange Juice = 40? calories

Total = 398 calories

Worried about Wednesday... first of all it's weigh in day and although my first week has gone alright it has been nowhere near perfect. Secondly it's my birthday and my flat mate is taking me out to dinner. just what I DON'T need! She didn't really like my attitude of I'm doing nothing, why bother.  I've also got sitting on my text a big care parcel from my mum eeeekkk it's for birthday/easter and I know it is going to contain sooo much food. Will open it on Wednesday and just have to be strong.

Going to Norway for work at the end of the week, not looking foward to it as they are big on family meals blah! Which means they actually notice what I eat.

Calories, calories, calories

I never used to count calories, infact never gave them a thought. Last time I was 'sick' I  ate what I wanted to, then I would just not eat for a few days, have a meal that I wanted to then not eat for a few days... calories didn't really matter to me. But today I spent a good 30 mins in the supermarket picking things up and putting them back cause they had wayyyy to many calories and  would feel bad and that I had failed if I ate them.

Did alright today, again not a perfect day but could have been worse.

Breakfast: small apple = 47 calories

Lunch: 1 can of sprite zero and Snack a Jacks = 109 calories

Dinner: Can of chicken soup = 139 calories

Snacks: 1 minty = 24 calories
chocolate saltanas = 162 calories

Total = 481

So sort of ruined it with the chocolate saltanas but on the plus side they are now all gone so won't be tempted anymore :) . 

Went for a nice long walk for an hour, maybe just over.

Bit worried about going back to work tomorrow after a nice long weekend but hopefully I will stay strong.

Fucking Cake!

Just a quick post cause my ear is soo sore that I'm just going to get straight into bed.
Today wasn't the best as no exercise.... why? Cause I'm just a fat lazy cow!
I was doing alright with the calories today it was 5pm and had done 414 cals but then ofcourse I had to go and see a friend sing in her choir... more a sort of glee group, so they were performing and they had cake and drinks, which ofcourse my other friend went up and got me a piece, they were fucking huge. I did give some to said cake buying friend but it was still HUGE! Do you think 1 piece of cake can be worth more than 586? God I hope not cause I don't want to have gone over 1000 calories today, well I didn't want to go over 500 but big fat stupid me and to have the cake. GRRRRR!

Do you think I need to add calories for the antibiotics???

Off to a half decent start....

So day one of my diet went fairly well. Mostly. By no means perfect!

My boss randomly gave me the day off today, instead of sleeping in till 10am (sometimes mid-day) as I do on the weekends I thought 'hey stop being a fat, lazy cow and actually get up and do something'! So I got out of bed at 8am and walked to work! Yes I know I wasn't actually working but was meeting a friend for lunch at a park close to work so thought I would walk and time how long it was from door to door. The maps on my Iphone said it would take 2hrs and 4mins but I took 1:58:45 which I thought was quite decent considering I am normally in bed :) .

Daily Intake

Breakfast: 1 small apple = 47 calories

Lunch: 1 packet of sweet chilli Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Chocolate Coated Saltanas = 169.5 calories (approx)

Snacks: 2x Minties =49.2 calories
2x Rusks = 57.3 calories

Orange Juice = 110 calories

Total = 541 calories

Although I actually like to round up as you never know the lies they tell you on the back of packets and if the scales are out etc etc. So I'm going to call today 800cals which is fucking crap but at least it is under 1000 calories I suppose that's a start.

I didn't actually want to have the orange juice but I was desperate for a drink and didn't want water. I had just been to the Dr have another ear infection so needed to get a drink to take my antibiotics and my pain killers and quite honestly just felt like crap so wanted to treat myself! 

The chocolate saltanas was me just be a big fat pig. They were sitting in my room and I just ate them.

Not too bad for the first day but could have done better! Baby steps! It's not 10 years ago where I am in such a good willpower that I can fast for 34 days straight (my record!!!) hopefully I will get there again though.

I start tomorrow!

O.k so I was going quite good, well good is a bit of an overstatement, I was doing alright, loosing some of this fat at least and then it was family holiday time. I was away from work and my diet and unable to get away from my family for 5 weeks and I put everything that I lost back on!!! I am an absolute disgrace!

I am giving myself one last tub of Ben and Jerry's Ice cream tonight, to get it off my mind once and for all, and then I am starting my diet (yet again) tomorrow. 

I will be beautiful and thin like this!

I have started this blog in the hopes it will make me accountable for what I put into my mouth as lately I have just not been strong enough on my own.

I am not posting my starting weight, I am just too ashamed. But I will weigh in every Wednesday and will be honest with what I have lost and hopefully not gained.

Basically this blog will be about my day to day life on my journey to thinness. Letting it out in the hopes I don't go crazy with it all be in my head.

What if it's true?

All you get these days from people like Dr Phil, Oprah, self help books and really shrinks in general is 'talk positive', 'be nice to yourself' and A LOT of things along those lines. But what if what you tell yourself is true? What if you really are a fat disgusting cow? What if you have no friends, no life and nothing to live for? What if you really were ugly and a complete selfish bitch?
Surely it is better to tell yourself the truth, to know that you're fat and ugly then walk around in public kidding yourself that you are half attractive!

What if things really would get better if you lost some weight and weren't so fat?

I will be thin, I promise!