I'm posting early tonight to try and stop myself putting anything else into my fat disgusting mouth, I'm hoping if I post my intake for the day I will feel too embarrassed to have to come back and change it so won't eat anything else :) I lost control with a box of Jatz biscuits so it is higher than what I wanted but a step back in the right direction and tomorrow will be better.
Breakfast: Grapes - 62
Lunch: Chicken Wrap - 128
Dinner: Pumpkin Soup - 108
Snacks: Jelly (16), Minties (75), Potato Stix (48), Jatz Biscuits (176) - 316
Total: 614 calories disgusting but will improve tomorrow!
I don't generally work in net amounts but I'm getting a bit desperate with 3 weeks to go until I have to look half decent in a bridesmaid's dress so I want to make sure I work off everything I eat for the next few weeks at least.
My sister gave me a new good heart rate monitor for my birthday last week which tells me exactly how many calories I'm burning :)! Exercise for today was 10km (was more 11 or 12 as I did extra at the end) walk/run which burnt 787 then swimming which burnt 327 to total 1114 burnt.
Net intake: - 500
That's not too shabby, I aim to do better tomorrow which is doable if I stay away from the jatz biscuits. Figners crossed the the rain stops for tomorrow so I can get my run in!
Sunday 31 March 2013
Friday 29 March 2013
Easter is Evil
Easter is well and truly fucking evil, well what we have turned it into anyway.
So yet another day is ruined.
It is only three weeks until my sisters wedding!
Tomorrow I'm going to write down on this blog every single thing that passes my lips and every tiny bit of exercise I do, I need to be held accountable for what I am eating and this is the only way I know how. It worked quite well when I first started this blog so I am going to do it again and hope it works even better.
So yet another day is ruined.
It is only three weeks until my sisters wedding!
Tomorrow I'm going to write down on this blog every single thing that passes my lips and every tiny bit of exercise I do, I need to be held accountable for what I am eating and this is the only way I know how. It worked quite well when I first started this blog so I am going to do it again and hope it works even better.
Thursday 28 March 2013
My fitness Pal
Does anyone use it? And is it working?
I used to use it a lot haven't gone on for about 6 months but the last week I have and I don't think it's working properly. Anyway at the end of the day when you finish the day and it says how much you will weigh in 5 weeks if you eat like this everyday mine says I will lose 100 grams in 5 weeks!!!! My calories were in the 400s and I burnt off everything I ate!!! Has anyone else had this and how did you fix it?
In other news family holiday is going terrible. I knew it would which is why I was dreading, I don't know why everyone thinks we are magically going to get a long when all our lives we haven't. Tonight involved me walking out on my birthday BBQ after a big fight, I hate being up here knowing that they are all talking about me! Fuck this I honestly don't know why I bother with anything!
I used to use it a lot haven't gone on for about 6 months but the last week I have and I don't think it's working properly. Anyway at the end of the day when you finish the day and it says how much you will weigh in 5 weeks if you eat like this everyday mine says I will lose 100 grams in 5 weeks!!!! My calories were in the 400s and I burnt off everything I ate!!! Has anyone else had this and how did you fix it?
In other news family holiday is going terrible. I knew it would which is why I was dreading, I don't know why everyone thinks we are magically going to get a long when all our lives we haven't. Tonight involved me walking out on my birthday BBQ after a big fight, I hate being up here knowing that they are all talking about me! Fuck this I honestly don't know why I bother with anything!
Monday 25 March 2013
Fallen off the wagon
I have well and truly fallen off the wagon and into a great big puddle of fat! I honestly don't understand how I can gain so much weight so fast. There are so many people (pretty much everybody) that eats so much more than me every single day and don't gain weight yet when I eat "normally" for a few days a gain loads.
I'm very annoyed and depressed about it but back on track today with 460 calories and burning off more than that.
I just hate so much that I do this I get close to a half decent number and then ruin it by stuffing my fat face. It's my birthday this week and I'm just so pissed off with myself cause I had a goal that I was so close to reaching but then ruined it. Grrrr! I'm going to try and not keep dwelling on it and keep trying to get the numbers lower and lower.
I'm very annoyed and depressed about it but back on track today with 460 calories and burning off more than that.
I just hate so much that I do this I get close to a half decent number and then ruin it by stuffing my fat face. It's my birthday this week and I'm just so pissed off with myself cause I had a goal that I was so close to reaching but then ruined it. Grrrr! I'm going to try and not keep dwelling on it and keep trying to get the numbers lower and lower.
Tuesday 19 March 2013
Screwed up
I screwed up my diet today I couldn't resist the chocolate that was in the cupboard. I know everyone probably expected it, the fat fuck that I am how could I actually stick to a diet properly. I just feel disgusting. My mum said I haven't been eating much, I have to eat more it's not healthy so today I asked if I could have some icecream, the look on her face it was like complete disappointment and then she wonders why I say don't worry I don't fucking want it anymore. At least it prevented the binge.
I don't know how they can honestly wonder why I'm screwed up like this... they are all the same. Food is like the enemy in this house. No surprise I got fat in London cause I was actually around people who are fairly normal with food it's like that gave me permission to eat more, I still had all my thoughts but the fact that no one else had them that everyone else was normal about it I think really helped.
This week isn't working, I'm not losing weight fast enough and probably after today I've gained.
This is fucked, life is fucked, I'm over this shit.
I don't know how they can honestly wonder why I'm screwed up like this... they are all the same. Food is like the enemy in this house. No surprise I got fat in London cause I was actually around people who are fairly normal with food it's like that gave me permission to eat more, I still had all my thoughts but the fact that no one else had them that everyone else was normal about it I think really helped.
This week isn't working, I'm not losing weight fast enough and probably after today I've gained.
This is fucked, life is fucked, I'm over this shit.
Monday 18 March 2013
The Biggest Loser
A new season of The Biggest Loser as just started here so I have programmed to tape it every night and use it as my motivation and I really need some!
After having 0 calories yesterday (YAY) I woke up this morning feeling like I wouldn't be able to cope on the 150 I was allowed today so swapped my 150 day for a 350 day later in the week which means my total for today was 326. After a day of fasting it sounds like so much. I did my 10km walk and not much else. I've lost hardly anything this week, it's freaky me out.
I emailed Val today, my psychiatrist's receptionists, she is lovely. So yah have made an appointment it was for Monday 15th April but then she emailed back and said that the doc is out of the office that day but has offered to come in the Friday before, which is now happening but I feel awful cause she doesn't work on Fridays so now I feel bad she is going into the office to see me. I did say that I would wait until the end of April (when I get back from Fiji) but they said Friday was good so now that's what is happening. Hopefully I will weigh a lot less than I do now by then.
I started my iron and B12 tablets today, not really to be healthy but hopefully they will give me more energy so I can get back to the gym and not just do my walks.
After having 0 calories yesterday (YAY) I woke up this morning feeling like I wouldn't be able to cope on the 150 I was allowed today so swapped my 150 day for a 350 day later in the week which means my total for today was 326. After a day of fasting it sounds like so much. I did my 10km walk and not much else. I've lost hardly anything this week, it's freaky me out.
I emailed Val today, my psychiatrist's receptionists, she is lovely. So yah have made an appointment it was for Monday 15th April but then she emailed back and said that the doc is out of the office that day but has offered to come in the Friday before, which is now happening but I feel awful cause she doesn't work on Fridays so now I feel bad she is going into the office to see me. I did say that I would wait until the end of April (when I get back from Fiji) but they said Friday was good so now that's what is happening. Hopefully I will weigh a lot less than I do now by then.
I started my iron and B12 tablets today, not really to be healthy but hopefully they will give me more energy so I can get back to the gym and not just do my walks.
Sunday 17 March 2013
Sunday Intake
Not much to write, my life is as boring as hell. I've only lost 300 grams this week which has got me freaking out a bit this time last week I had already lost a kilo.
It's a fast day today so have had nothing to eat :) I'm on such a high I forgot how amazing you can feel while fasting. I've been trying to drink lots of water but haven't been having loads caues it makes me pee so much, seriously like every 20 minutes.
I'm sitting here watching Here comes Honey Boo Boo,if that's not thinspiration I don't know what is. If I have get close to looking like her mother I think I would die... I know that is really bitchy but I really don't understand how people get to that size.
It's a fast day today so have had nothing to eat :) I'm on such a high I forgot how amazing you can feel while fasting. I've been trying to drink lots of water but haven't been having loads caues it makes me pee so much, seriously like every 20 minutes.
I'm sitting here watching Here comes Honey Boo Boo,if that's not thinspiration I don't know what is. If I have get close to looking like her mother I think I would die... I know that is really bitchy but I really don't understand how people get to that size.
Friday 15 March 2013
3kg loss.
Week 1 down on the ABC Diet and a loss of 3kg. I'm happy with that but know it could be a lot better. The weight didn't go down as much in the second half of the week, with a lousy 0.2 last night, I'm getting really worried that it is going to stop and even if I stick to the diet it won't go down more. I was losing 0.2 on 200 calories this week I have some 400 and 500 calorie days how am I ever going to get rid of this fat on that?
I'm going to try and be strong though I have to have faith that a lot of people have had great sucess on this.
Saw GP this morning. She didn't weigh me, which to be honest I was a bit put out by, I was expecting it and then it didn't happen, it just means I look fat and don't need to be weighed. She didn't seem to concerned that I hadn't started anti-depressants or that I had not contacted the shrink.
My blood results came back I'm extremely low in iron and B12 so she has prescribed stuff for that which I went out of her office thinking I'm not going to take them but then I thought to myself if they are going to give me more energy and make me feel better it might help me get back to the gym and do more than just my 10km walks... we'll see.
I'm going to try and be strong though I have to have faith that a lot of people have had great sucess on this.
Saw GP this morning. She didn't weigh me, which to be honest I was a bit put out by, I was expecting it and then it didn't happen, it just means I look fat and don't need to be weighed. She didn't seem to concerned that I hadn't started anti-depressants or that I had not contacted the shrink.
My blood results came back I'm extremely low in iron and B12 so she has prescribed stuff for that which I went out of her office thinking I'm not going to take them but then I thought to myself if they are going to give me more energy and make me feel better it might help me get back to the gym and do more than just my 10km walks... we'll see.
Thursday 14 March 2013
Update weight tomorrow
I've decided not to say what I lost today :) but thought I would do it Friday cause that is when I started the ABC so it will be one week on that diet and will be good to see how much I lose.
I'm a bit worried about seeing the GP tomorrow. I just feel like such a fraud and that I am wasting her time. She'll ask me how I'm going on the medication - I'll tell her I haven't started it. She'll ask when my appointment is with my shrink - I'll tell her i haven't even phoned up to book yet. She'll ask how my eating is going - I'll tell her amazing but she won't agree.
I wonder what my blood tests have revealed, probably nothing cause I' have been eating like a fat pig for soo long now that everything will be normal.
Calories today stand at 200 exactly and a 10km walk I don't think my weight will change much if anything for tomorrow which makes me want to cry.
Oh well we'll see how we go.
I'm a bit worried about seeing the GP tomorrow. I just feel like such a fraud and that I am wasting her time. She'll ask me how I'm going on the medication - I'll tell her I haven't started it. She'll ask when my appointment is with my shrink - I'll tell her i haven't even phoned up to book yet. She'll ask how my eating is going - I'll tell her amazing but she won't agree.
I wonder what my blood tests have revealed, probably nothing cause I' have been eating like a fat pig for soo long now that everything will be normal.
Calories today stand at 200 exactly and a 10km walk I don't think my weight will change much if anything for tomorrow which makes me want to cry.
Oh well we'll see how we go.
Wednesday 13 March 2013
Todays Intake
So I'm still going along on the ABC diet. I've been reading a lot about it and other people who have done it and all seem to have their own versions, I think I'm just doing the standard one. All seem to be on the same change about being able to change the days around a bit though which is what I did today. So instead of a 200 cal day today I had my 300 day one and will do the 200 one tomorrow. Ended today on 253. I'm not holding high hopes on a loss overnight cause I had to work I didn't get to do my 10k walk which I think is going to have a big impact on my loss (or lack there of) I was on my feet all day though so hopefully it won't be too bad.
The last time I attempted this diet this is the last day I have marked off so obviously ruined it on the 7th day so don't want to do that this time so if I make it through tomorrow it will be good, am actually hoping to make it a lot longer than that though!
GAH weigh in tomorrow AND the next day :/
The last time I attempted this diet this is the last day I have marked off so obviously ruined it on the 7th day so don't want to do that this time so if I make it through tomorrow it will be good, am actually hoping to make it a lot longer than that though!
GAH weigh in tomorrow AND the next day :/
Tuesday 12 March 2013
R.I.P Emma
We had to put Emma to sleep yesterday, around lunch time, it was so so hard but the right thing to do, it was like she had just given up so even if we didn't to it it would not have been long just more painful if we hadn't helped.
The last two days have been pretty bad didn't sleep much Sunday night (understandably) then Monday was just a complete shit, I was so emotionly drained! My intake for Monday was 217 calories. I went for a 10km walk in the afternoon, I just needed to get out of the house and away from everybody.
Todays calories come in at 96 and another 10km walk along the beach front. I just can't be bothered going to the gym I have absolutely no energy but still need to do something!
I'm hoping for a decent loss this week, but with my fat arse you never know I could screw things up by Thursday, which is my weekly weigh in but then I also have the GP on Friday morning again and I assume she will weigh me again too. Not that I only have a weekly weigh in I weigh myself about 5 times a day. We're going away next week, just down the coast nothing exciting but I'm already stressed about not weighing for that long - I think I'll just have to take the scales with me. lol you know you're a little crazy when you take the scales on holidays. :/
Working tomorrow so will make it so much easier to not eat and noone to notice cause I can just flat out lie about what I had. My mum said when I woke up this morning did you only have two bowls of jelly yesterday I said NO and listed off a huge list of things I had, most I hadn't some I had.
Hopefully tomorrow will be another decent-ish day with calories.
Sunday 10 March 2013
Fat Cow.
I am just too, too, too fat! I hate it so much.
Calorie intake is 128 for today. I'm fairly happy with that, although think to myself why couldn't I have just made it a fasting day without being such a fat pig?
I put on 300 grams from my extra bites of pie and brownie last night, hopefully it won't happen again any time soon.
My beautiful dog Emma goes to sleep tomorrow :(
No exercise today cause I'm just a fat lazy cow.
Calorie intake is 128 for today. I'm fairly happy with that, although think to myself why couldn't I have just made it a fasting day without being such a fat pig?
I put on 300 grams from my extra bites of pie and brownie last night, hopefully it won't happen again any time soon.
My beautiful dog Emma goes to sleep tomorrow :(
No exercise today cause I'm just a fat lazy cow.
Saturday 9 March 2013
Not sure how much
I'm not exactly sure how many calories I've had today and it is driving me a little bit insane! I was sitting on 220 when I went to work tonight, but then I made brownies with the kids and had a few bites of that and then also had a few bites of pie that one of the kids didn't finish. So I'm going to say add on another 200 so thats 440 for todays total. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be anywhere near that much but would rather overestimate then under estimate. I've taken some laxatives just incase though.
Went to the gym and got an hour of cardio in. I'm really annoyed with myself cause I just can't get my running past 20 minutes lately. Infact today I only did 15 before I moved on to something else. A couple of weeks ago I was doing 40 mins! A personal best and now I just can't do it anymore grrrr!
I cut last night, not badly but still did it. Doesn't make me feel as good as it used to do but it still does some what.
I've been reading this blog for hours today Too much, Not Enough http://bellaanorexia.blogspot.com.au/2012_08_01_archive.html
I'm absolutely loving it!
Went to the gym and got an hour of cardio in. I'm really annoyed with myself cause I just can't get my running past 20 minutes lately. Infact today I only did 15 before I moved on to something else. A couple of weeks ago I was doing 40 mins! A personal best and now I just can't do it anymore grrrr!
I cut last night, not badly but still did it. Doesn't make me feel as good as it used to do but it still does some what.
I've been reading this blog for hours today Too much, Not Enough http://bellaanorexia.blogspot.com.au/2012_08_01_archive.html
I'm absolutely loving it!
Friday 8 March 2013
The new GP
So saw the new GP this morning, I like her a lot, she seems lovely and very friendly. I gave her my history she seemed concerned that things were coming back I tried to explain that my thoughts/thinking never actually changed but she still seemed concerned. Was weighed and not allowed to look god that hasn't happened in so long!
I got my referral this is what she wrote:
Thank you for seeing ..... , age 25 years, for your opinion and management. On her return from the UK she has had an exacerbation of her eating disorder symptoms, and her mood is becoming lower. She has had thoughts of cutting, and has started purging again. I have started her back on her Pristiq while waiting to see you. Her obs are stable at present and she has no suicidal thoughts.
geez!
So yah sposed to start back on medication, not sure if I will though. I mean seriously I was on medication for years and as I said my thoughts never changed, sure I could function go to work etc but i still had them they just didn't completely take over my life anymore.
She wants me to go back again next week to discuss blood results, I told her I thought they would be normal (which they will be) cause I've been eating like a fat fucking pig for so long they would have to be.
In other news I had a decent day with calories. 226 total probably actually a bit less cause I rounded a few things up. Didn't go to the gym just couldn't be bothered today but did walk around the shopping centre for about 4 hours carrying a baby.
I got my referral this is what she wrote:
Thank you for seeing ..... , age 25 years, for your opinion and management. On her return from the UK she has had an exacerbation of her eating disorder symptoms, and her mood is becoming lower. She has had thoughts of cutting, and has started purging again. I have started her back on her Pristiq while waiting to see you. Her obs are stable at present and she has no suicidal thoughts.
geez!
So yah sposed to start back on medication, not sure if I will though. I mean seriously I was on medication for years and as I said my thoughts never changed, sure I could function go to work etc but i still had them they just didn't completely take over my life anymore.
She wants me to go back again next week to discuss blood results, I told her I thought they would be normal (which they will be) cause I've been eating like a fat fucking pig for so long they would have to be.
In other news I had a decent day with calories. 226 total probably actually a bit less cause I rounded a few things up. Didn't go to the gym just couldn't be bothered today but did walk around the shopping centre for about 4 hours carrying a baby.
Thursday 7 March 2013
Gained.
So as I thought I RUINED the entire week for this weigh in I gained a disgusting 1.4kg. I knew it was going to happen, just hoped that it wouldn't be so much.
I did want to start the ABC diet today but ofcourse my fat self ruined it already. I was on track until about 7pm tonight when I hate a few hundred calories more than I should. So I'm between 500 and 1000 which is just way to high. Will try again tomorrow. I know I can do this, it is all just a matter of getting past that first day.
I did an hour of cardio at the gym today. Also getting a bit of exercise digging a hole in the backyard. My beautiful puppy (not quite a puppy 10 years old) has cancer and isn't well at all so the Vet has said we should put her to sleep. It is happening Monday. I hate it, but don't want her in pain.
I've got a drs appointment tomorrow, just the GP. I've apparently got eczma (spelling?) in my ears so they get super annoyingly itchy and have found myself a new GP to try and get this shit sorted out. Thought I would also get a referral to my shrink, I haven't been in that long that I need one. I just hate going through the hole medical history bit with new drs does my head in. I need to get a letter that I am healthy to work (just a standard thing that nanny agencies like to have) so can't really walk in there and give her my life story and say yah I think I'm going crazy so refer me to my shrink please oh and by the way I need a letter to say I can look after children :/
I did want to start the ABC diet today but ofcourse my fat self ruined it already. I was on track until about 7pm tonight when I hate a few hundred calories more than I should. So I'm between 500 and 1000 which is just way to high. Will try again tomorrow. I know I can do this, it is all just a matter of getting past that first day.
I did an hour of cardio at the gym today. Also getting a bit of exercise digging a hole in the backyard. My beautiful puppy (not quite a puppy 10 years old) has cancer and isn't well at all so the Vet has said we should put her to sleep. It is happening Monday. I hate it, but don't want her in pain.
I've got a drs appointment tomorrow, just the GP. I've apparently got eczma (spelling?) in my ears so they get super annoyingly itchy and have found myself a new GP to try and get this shit sorted out. Thought I would also get a referral to my shrink, I haven't been in that long that I need one. I just hate going through the hole medical history bit with new drs does my head in. I need to get a letter that I am healthy to work (just a standard thing that nanny agencies like to have) so can't really walk in there and give her my life story and say yah I think I'm going crazy so refer me to my shrink please oh and by the way I need a letter to say I can look after children :/
Wednesday 6 March 2013
ABCing again.
It's weigh in tomorrow, which I know I am completely screwed for. I'm going to hate it but deal with it.
I'm going to try the ABC diet again. I really need to get myself sorted out or I am going to keep on getting fatter and fatter and fatter. I'm quite excited about it. I'm hoping to do A LOT better than last time I can't remember exactly but I think I made about a week.. I've got it written down in my 'thinspo' notebook so will have to look it up. It was difficult last time just cause I had so much on with travelling for work etc but i don't have that this time so fingers crossed I will do well.
I'm going to try the ABC diet again. I really need to get myself sorted out or I am going to keep on getting fatter and fatter and fatter. I'm quite excited about it. I'm hoping to do A LOT better than last time I can't remember exactly but I think I made about a week.. I've got it written down in my 'thinspo' notebook so will have to look it up. It was difficult last time just cause I had so much on with travelling for work etc but i don't have that this time so fingers crossed I will do well.
Sunday 3 March 2013
Falling apart!
I feel my mind, myself falling apart more and more each day. I know I should see me dr, but I don't want to while I'm this fat. I lost 1.3kg on Thursday for the weekly weigh in but have since ruined it surprise, surprise. I don't know why if I'm feeling so crap again why I can't just lose more and more and keep it off.
One day I just want to look in the mirror and like what I see, not even like it, just not hate and despise it. It's no wonder I don't have a boyfriend when I look like this, no one is ever going to want me, desire me. I hate myself so much I just want to disappear.
One day I just want to look in the mirror and like what I see, not even like it, just not hate and despise it. It's no wonder I don't have a boyfriend when I look like this, no one is ever going to want me, desire me. I hate myself so much I just want to disappear.
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