3 months down

So I've been back in London for just over three months. All started out great, it cut out my pretty much daily cutting and vomiting out cause I just couldn't do it ( work was busy, plus I'm a live in nanny nada we travel a lot and I could never expose the children to that if for some crazy reason they happened to find out. So it was brilliant for about a month, now it's going down hill again. Nothing has changed, just my thinking. I've started cutting again, although not nearly as much as I feel the need to.

I've hit very annoying maintaining with my weight. I put on when I came over then got myself under control and am smaller than when I left Australia but now I'm staying the same (this week I think I've gained but too scared to look). The last few weeks I can't stop eating, I hate it and it makes me want to cut even more. I'm so close to my first goal weight I just don't want to ruin it, but the fat failure that I am I probably will. I get officially weighed on Wednesday so now where I sit, hopefully I haven't gained but will get back on track and lose lose lose!

I just want to cry when I look in the mirror, well not even look in the mirror just when the thought of me crosses my mind.

I hate it! I hate me so so much!

Packing

So I've just started packing and is always the way with me I've got way to much crap that I want to take with me. I'm finding it quite stressful trying to take things out cause I can't afford to buy lots of new stuff as soon as I get there so sort of need it all. There are of course a few things I've already put back in the cupboard knowing my boss would think they are awful, even though I love them! She's big into fashion, buys the most expensive clothes and I just know I won't be able to cope with the comments in the frame of mind I'm in at the moment.

I'm getting more and more anxious about not having scales with me. I won't be able to see it going on (if it does, hopefully it won't!) I won't be able to check each day and by the time my clothes start getting tight it's too late I'm already fat, it is really freaking me out, I can't stop thinking about it and I can't talk to anyone about it cause they will just laugh at me.

A few people in one of my posts suggested that I see/talk to someone in London. My shrink does actually want me to do this but it isn't really possible. She doesn't know anyone over there to recommend, which isn't a bad thing would be happy to find my own but since I work 7am - 7pm  Monday - Friday there isn't really a chance for me to see anyone. There were a couple of people I was looking up that do evening sessions but I'm assuming evening sessions would finish at around 6:30 and I wouldn't be able to get to anyone until 7:30 at the absolute earliest - and that's if they are really close, so I might just have to try and keep myself sane hahaha yep I'm laughing at that too!

Moving back to London

It is official I'm going back to London until early December. My shrink thought it was a very good idea, well she wanted me back in September to do some 'intensive therapy' but December isn't that much longer.

I'm so worried. I'm worried that without supervision my weight will drop very fast, which I would love! I'm also scared it will go the opposite way, I gained so much when I was in London before and I'm very anxious about this happening again. I'm anxious about everything, life in general, which I've never really had and I just can't seem to shake it.

I'm going to miss my nephew so much! He's 7 months old and this next 6 months is going to be massive in his development and I'm going to miss it all! I'm also going to come back and he will have no idea who I am.
I'm going to miss 'my children' the 5 I used to nanny for and are like my other family.

I don't want to go, but I do want to go. I just don't know what I want from my life, I don't think it will ever amount to anything.

Offered my old job back.

My ex boss (from London) rang last night, wants me to go back. She's not happy with the new nanny, as she said it I was super excited, but now the more I think about it the more unsure I am. I don't know what to do.
I know if I stay here, things won't improve, well not for a long while, at least until my shrink talks me into starting the medication she has been trying to convince me to start for the last two sessions. But if I go I won't have my doctor incase things to get even worse than they are now. I have been the worst I have been in years, and I don't know what to do. I'm also confused about the job, my boss mentioned until December that I would come back (for a working holiday I already have booked in) but not sure if it was do that holiday and then go back to London or if it was do holiday then stay in Australia and she'll find someone else. I'm just so confused about everything, and the worst part is I sort of need to give her an answer cause if I want to do it I need to be back in London for the 12th July!!! I will talk to my shrink about it on Monday but if I decide to go that will be my last appointment with her cause then she goes on holiday on the Wednesday.

It would just be so much easier to have none of this, no options. Just easier if I wasn't here.

Giving up laxatives!

I really need to remember why I started this blog (how many times have I said that?) I started it to keep myself honest to track my progress and to get all this shit out of my head and I need to get back to that. Things are just out of control with my eating. My goal this week is to give up laxatives, I'm using them more and have to take more and more each time to get them to work, so what I want to do is to STOP. Take them at the absolute most once a week instead of the nearly every day I've been doing for the last month. I need to do this or I am going to screw up my body, well more so than it already is.

I'm also going back to writing everything down for my daily intake. I decided about a month ago (ish) to work in net which I never did before but I quite like it.

Breakfast: nothing (0)

Lunch: nothing (0)

Dinner: nothing (0)

Snacks: nothing (0)

Exercise: 1hr on treadmill walking/running and 15 mins on bike (616)

Total: -616

Blogs Disappeared!

I've just logged in, after quite a while to see that all the blogs I have been following are no longer on my list. It now just says you are not following any blogs click the add button to add to your reading list. WTF! I don't even know what half of my favourite ones were called, I didn't need to know cause they were in my list. You have no idea how annoyed I am.

Things haven't been amazing hence not writing for so long, I honestly just can't be bothered doing anything. My days involve watching numerous dvds and pretty much not leaving the couch. I'm cutting more, I'm attempting to fast, every time I break it I throw it up and start again.

I'm sick of stupid comments from my family, I get looks when I put toast in the toaster 'what are you doing? why are you breaking so badly tonight?' I feel like screaming I have not touched one calorie for 2 days and I'm going to throw this up anyway but I don't, it just means I'm doing my job and hiding it will that they don't know I haven't kept anything down for nearly a week.

I'm working tomorrow and Saturday, I don't want to, which is a worry cause I love work and am working for my favourite family. But as I said I'm just over it, over every fucking thing.

Fasting.

26 hours down. I've had 3.5 calories which was my one can of sprite zero and then just lots of water, not enough water so really need to drink more tomorrow. I don't have a set number of days I want to fast for, just go until I start feeling bad and can't do it anymore. That may be finishing tomorrow, it may be next week who knows. As long as I can get away with it.

Have GP tomorrow for my knee, after the stupid thing hurting so much for months i went running today and it didn't hurt too much at all, how annoying,  I'll still go and see what she says about it.

Off to bed sooo very tired.

Instagram.

Last night I  made a new account on instagram for my ana self and just stuff that I can't post on my regular account so if you want to follow me I'm life_with_anorexia_take2 I don't have many photos up there yet but will get more things going up soon.

Today was not amazing I did a 17km walk with only a tiny bit of running, I was going so slow by the end cause my legs and knee were just so sore, I just wanted to lay down and die, had to make it back to the car though. I only burnt 1081 with the slow pace I had to keep up but it's better than nothing. Sort of ruined it with food tonight as well and had some of the kids nachos, just picked at theirs not my own serve but was something that wasn't planned which is annoying. Daily intake was net -660 ate 421 BLAH!

After just over two weeks of not cutting, wanting to but resisting, I cut this morning, I was just so frustrated with everything.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Scales going down :)

Scales are going down, I'm greatful, but it's not making me happy, nothing is making me happy. All I want to do is just stay in bed all day. I've got nothing in my life, nothing.

My knee is still hurting a lot I could only run for 1 minute yesterday before I just couldn't run on it at all so had to walk the 10km instead which is very annoying. I was supposed to go to GP about it today but she's sick so am going on Monday. Hopefully she'll be abl to sort things out cause if I can't run how am I going to get rid of all this fat?

Home

Home from Fiji. The trip was alright, I ate too much, put on A LOT of weight but now I'm home and getting rid of it again. Lost 1.2kg in the 2 days I've been home so all I need to do is keep going. I can't be this fat forever.

I didn't exercise when we were away so that was like a two week break on my knee but 5 mins into my run yesterday and it was hurting again. grrr! I suppose I should get it checked out. I'm running again today, I'll just have to suck it up.

I was going to post a photo but after seeing some go up on facebook I am to mortified to do it fingers crossed the professional ones are better.

I'm off.

I'm not sure what the wifi situation is going to be like in Fiji so this will probably be my last blog for a couple of weeks. I've got everything crossed that I don't put on too much weight I'm so scared about it but just need to remember this holiday isn't about me so need to try and keep all my feelings to myself so I don't ruin it for everyone else.

Had the question of how old I was in comments. I'm 26. Very depressing 10 years on and I'm still trying to get rid of this fat that is my body. It's pathetic. I hate it.

'You have to stop losing weight'

There are only two days until we leave for Fiji, head of early Wednesday morning. I know it's bad cause it's my sisters wedding and all but I wish I didn't have to go. I'm so worried about all the food I'm going to have to eat and the exercise I won't be able to do.

We had L's hens night yesterday. It was really an all day thing, we started off in the morning with all the bridesmaids and mum going for a spa morning with facials, massages, nails etc then we came home and got ready and a stretch hummer picked us up and tooks us into the city for high tea then we all came back to party after with lots of cocktails and stripper and a big bungee run. The bungee run was so much fun.
I actually kept some sort of self control of my fat self at high tea and had 1 and a half finger sandwiches and half a mini cupcake but when I got back i started drinking some cocktails and eating the biscuits and dip, twice I disappeared to the bathroom to vomit and just couldn't handle it I couldn't keep it inside me. Then I took a handful of laxatives when i went to bed just to make sure.

The best bit about the party was people saying I was looking very thin. People saying I can't lose more weight that I must stop dieting after the wedding. Yah right. I know they were all just talking crap but it still gave me a bit of a high to hear. I was just like oh yah I'm not losing more weight I was just getting fit for the wedding blah blah blah. Trying to give off the healthy/not crazy persona while thinking in my head I've barely started I've got so much more fat to get rid of.

I saw my shrink on Friday she wants me to start on medication again straight away, a different one this time. I'm supposed to email her Monday to tell her how I'm going on it but I haven't started taking it yet.

100+ followers

Woo hoo over 100 followers, I can't tell you how excited I am, I want more though. I hope I don't bore you all too much and thanks for all the comments, I never reply in the comment section (I'm too lazy) but I do read them all would answer any questions in a post.

Things went down hill was vomitting every day last week, which I hate doing, it has always been a back up in emergencies, I have been relying on it too much so am trying hard to stop - 2 days clear so far.

I've also been cutting for the last three days, which makes me feel a lot better but quite frankly I am fucking ugly enough without adding even more scars to my body so I've really got to stop that too!

My exercise isn't going as well as it was last week, my knee is just killing me some days, I do still walk my 10k but not burning anywhere near the amound of calories I need/want to so may have to start going back to the gym on top of that.

I see my shrink on Friday. I still feel bad about her going into the office on her day off. I honestly don't know why I'm bothering it has never helped. My friend thinks I should try somebody new that she must be rubbish but she is supposed to be one of the best in Brisbane, I think it's more me, I don't really talk to her, I don't let her in, so really I'm just wasting her time which I feel bad about.

I'm starting to worry about Fiji! It will involve a lot of buffets and me and buffets are not friends! I go in there saying I'm not going to eat much but then ofcourse I stuff my fat face and ruin everything. I really don't want to undo the hard work I've done so far, although I do have exactly a month when we get back to lose as much as possible before the next big family event (nephew's christening).

Beautiful!

 

 

In desperate need of some thinspiration.

A girl can only dream....

 

 

Sore knee

Posting what I hate to prevent me from eating more worked last night so here I am again.

Breakfast: Grapes - 62
Lunch: Chicken Wrap - 128
Dinner: Pumpkin Soup - 108
Snacks: Minties (75), Cruskits (65)  - 140

Total: 438 Calories

Exercise: I didn't do my swimming today so I feel like a fat pig but I did go on an extra long walk, I only did a tiny bit of running cause I've done something to my knee it hurts like hell when walking and even worse when running so most of it was a walk to try and give it a rest. I think a did around 20km not sure def more than 17km and I burnt 1137.

Net Calories: - 699

I'm a bit worried about the amount I'm going to burn tomorrow if I can't run at all. I'm still going to do my 10km at a walk hopefully that will be enough of a rest.

Things are going well, I think only cause I'm concentrating so much on what I eat and have no time for anything else. Works for me :)

Distracting myself

I'm posting early tonight to try and stop myself putting anything else into my fat disgusting mouth, I'm hoping if I post my intake for the day I will feel too embarrassed to have to come back and change it so won't eat anything else :) I lost control with a box of Jatz biscuits so it is higher than what I wanted but a step back in the right direction and tomorrow will be better.

Breakfast:  Grapes - 62
Lunch: Chicken Wrap - 128
Dinner: Pumpkin Soup - 108
Snacks: Jelly (16), Minties (75), Potato Stix (48), Jatz Biscuits (176) - 316

Total: 614 calories disgusting but will improve tomorrow!

I don't generally work in net amounts but I'm getting a bit desperate with 3 weeks to go until I have to look half decent in a bridesmaid's dress so I want to make sure I work off everything I eat for the next few weeks at least.

My sister gave me a new good heart rate monitor for my birthday last week which tells me exactly how many calories I'm burning :)! Exercise for today was 10km (was more 11 or 12 as I did extra at the end) walk/run which burnt 787 then swimming which burnt 327 to total 1114 burnt.

Net intake: - 500

That's not too shabby, I aim to do better tomorrow which is doable if I stay away from the jatz biscuits. Figners crossed the the rain stops for tomorrow so I can get my run in!

Easter is Evil

Easter is well and truly fucking evil, well what we have turned it into anyway.
So yet another day is ruined.

It is only three weeks until my sisters wedding!

Tomorrow I'm going to write down on this blog every single thing that passes my lips and every tiny bit of exercise I do, I need to be held accountable for what I am eating and this is the only way I know how. It worked quite well when I first started this blog so I am going to do it again and hope it works even better.

My fitness Pal

Does anyone use it? And is it working?

I used to use it a lot haven't gone on for about 6 months but the last week I have and I don't think it's working properly. Anyway at the end of the day when you finish the day and it says  how much you will weigh in 5 weeks if you eat like this everyday mine says I will lose 100 grams in 5 weeks!!!! My calories were in the 400s and I burnt off everything I ate!!! Has anyone else had this and how did you fix it?

In other news family holiday is going terrible.  I knew it would which is why I was dreading, I don't know why everyone thinks we are magically going to get a long when all our lives we haven't. Tonight involved me walking out on my birthday BBQ after a big fight, I hate being up here knowing that they are all talking about me! Fuck this I honestly don't know why I bother with anything!

Fallen off the wagon

I have well and truly fallen off the wagon and into a great big puddle of fat!  I honestly don't understand how I can gain so much weight so fast. There are so many people (pretty much everybody) that eats so much more than me every single day and don't gain weight yet when I eat "normally" for a few days a gain loads.

I'm very annoyed and depressed about it but back on track today with 460 calories and burning off more than that.
I just hate so much that I do this I get close to a half decent number and then ruin it by stuffing my fat face. It's my birthday this week and I'm just so pissed off with myself cause I had a goal that I was so close to reaching but then ruined it. Grrrr! I'm going to try and not keep dwelling on it and keep trying to get the numbers lower and lower.

Screwed up

I screwed up my diet today I couldn't resist the chocolate that was in the cupboard.  I know everyone probably expected it, the fat fuck that I am how could I actually stick to a diet properly. I just feel disgusting. My mum said I haven't been eating much, I have to eat more it's not healthy so today I asked if I could have some icecream, the look on her face it was like complete disappointment and then she wonders why I say don't worry I don't fucking want it anymore. At least it prevented the binge.

I don't know how they can honestly wonder why I'm screwed up like this... they are all the same. Food is like the enemy in this house. No surprise I got fat in London cause I was actually around people who are fairly normal with food it's like that gave me permission to eat more, I still had all my thoughts but the fact that no one else had them that everyone else was normal about it I think really helped.

This week isn't working, I'm not losing weight fast enough and probably after today I've gained.

This is fucked, life is fucked, I'm over this shit.

The Biggest Loser

A new season of The Biggest Loser as just started here so I have programmed to tape it every night and use it as my motivation and I really need some!

After having 0 calories yesterday (YAY) I woke up this morning feeling like I wouldn't be able to cope on the 150 I was allowed today so swapped my 150 day for a 350 day later in the week which means my total for today was 326. After a day of fasting it sounds like so much. I did my 10km walk and not much else. I've lost hardly anything this week, it's freaky me out.

I emailed Val today, my psychiatrist's receptionists, she is lovely. So yah have made an appointment it was for Monday 15th April but then she emailed back and said that the doc is out of the office that day but has offered to come in the Friday before, which is now happening but I feel awful cause she doesn't work on Fridays so now I feel bad she is going into the office to see me. I did say that I would wait until the end of April (when I get back from Fiji) but they said Friday was good so now that's what is happening. Hopefully I will weigh a lot less than I do now by then.

I started my iron and B12 tablets today, not really to be healthy but hopefully they will give me more energy so I can get back to the gym and not just do my walks.

Sunday Intake

Not much to write, my life is as boring as hell. I've only lost 300 grams this week which has got me freaking out a bit this time last week I had already lost a kilo.

It's a fast day today so have had nothing to eat :) I'm on such a high I forgot how amazing you can feel while fasting. I've been trying to drink lots of water but haven't been having loads caues it makes me pee so much, seriously like every 20 minutes.

I'm sitting here watching Here comes Honey Boo Boo,if that's not thinspiration I don't know what is. If I have get close to looking like her mother I think I would die... I know that is really bitchy but I really don't understand how people get to that size.

3kg loss.

Week 1 down on the ABC Diet and a loss of 3kg. I'm happy with that but know it could be a lot better. The weight didn't go down as much in the second half of the week, with a lousy 0.2 last night, I'm getting really worried that it is going to stop and even if I stick to the diet it won't go down more. I was losing 0.2 on 200 calories this week I have some 400 and 500 calorie days how am I ever going to get rid of this fat on that?
I'm going to try and be strong though I have to have faith that a lot of people have had great sucess on this.

Saw GP this morning. She didn't weigh me, which to be honest I was a bit put out by, I was expecting it and then it didn't happen, it just means I look fat and don't need to be weighed. She didn't seem to concerned that I hadn't started anti-depressants or that I had not contacted the shrink.
My blood results came back I'm extremely low in iron and B12 so she has prescribed stuff for that which I went out of her office thinking I'm not going to take them but then I thought to myself if they are going to give me more energy and make me feel better it might help me get back to the gym and do more than just my 10km walks... we'll see.

Update weight tomorrow

I've decided not to say what I lost today :) but thought I would do it Friday cause that is when I started the ABC so it will be one week on that diet and will be good to see how much I lose.

I'm a bit worried about seeing the GP tomorrow. I just feel like such a fraud and that I am wasting her time. She'll ask me how I'm going on the medication - I'll tell her I haven't started it. She'll ask when my appointment is with my shrink - I'll tell her i haven't even phoned up to book yet. She'll ask how my eating is going - I'll tell her amazing but she won't agree.
I  wonder what my blood tests have revealed, probably nothing cause I' have been eating like a fat pig for soo long now that everything will be normal.

Calories today stand at 200 exactly and a 10km walk I don't think my weight will change much if anything for tomorrow which makes me want to cry.

Oh well we'll see how we go.

Todays Intake

So I'm still going along on the ABC diet. I've been reading a lot about it and other people who have done it and all seem to have their own versions, I think I'm just doing the standard one. All seem to be on the same change about being able to change the days around a bit though which is what I did today. So instead of a 200 cal day today I had my 300 day one and will do the 200 one tomorrow. Ended today on 253. I'm not holding high hopes on a loss overnight cause I had to work I didn't get to do my 10k walk which I think is going to have a big impact on my loss (or lack there of) I was on my feet all day though so hopefully it won't be too bad.
The last time I attempted this diet this is the last day I have marked off so obviously ruined it on the 7th day so don't want to do that this time so if I make it through tomorrow it will be good, am actually hoping to make it a lot longer than that though!

GAH weigh in tomorrow AND the next day :/

R.I.P Emma

R.I.P my beautiful baby. You had 10 wonderful years.
We had to put Emma to sleep yesterday, around lunch time, it was so so hard but the right thing to do, it was like she had just given up so even if we didn't to it it would not have been long just more painful if we hadn't helped.

The last two days have been pretty bad didn't sleep much Sunday night (understandably) then Monday was just a complete shit, I was so emotionly drained! My intake for Monday was 217 calories. I went for a 10km walk in the afternoon, I just needed to get out of the house and away from everybody.

Todays calories come in at 96 and another 10km walk along the beach front. I just can't be bothered going to the gym I have absolutely no energy but still need to do something!

I'm hoping for a decent loss this week, but with my fat arse you never know I could screw things up by Thursday, which is my weekly weigh in but then I also have the GP on Friday morning again and I assume she will weigh me again too. Not that I only have a weekly weigh in I weigh myself about 5 times a day. We're going away next week, just down the coast nothing exciting but I'm already stressed about not weighing for that long - I think I'll just have to take the scales with me. lol you know you're a little crazy when you take the scales on holidays. :/

Working tomorrow so will make it so much easier to not eat and noone to notice cause I can just flat out lie about what I had. My mum said when I woke up this morning did you only have two bowls of jelly yesterday I said NO and listed off a huge list of things I had, most I hadn't some I had.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another decent-ish day with calories.

Fat Cow.

I am just too, too, too fat! I hate it so much.
Calorie intake is 128 for today. I'm fairly happy with that, although think to myself why couldn't I have just made it a fasting day without being such a fat pig?
I put on 300 grams from my extra bites of pie and brownie last night, hopefully it won't happen again any time soon.

My beautiful dog Emma goes to sleep tomorrow :(

No exercise today cause I'm just a fat lazy cow.

Not sure how much

I'm not exactly sure how many calories I've had today and it is driving me a little bit insane! I was sitting on 220 when I went to work tonight, but then I made brownies with the kids and had a few bites of that and then also had a few bites of pie that one of the kids didn't finish. So I'm going to say add on another 200 so thats 440 for todays total. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be anywhere near that much but would rather overestimate then under estimate. I've taken some laxatives just incase though.

Went to the gym and got an hour of cardio in. I'm really annoyed with myself cause I just can't get my running past 20 minutes lately. Infact today I only did 15 before I moved on to something else. A couple of weeks ago I was doing 40 mins! A personal best and now I just can't do it anymore  grrrr!

I cut last night, not badly but still did it. Doesn't make me feel as good as it used to do but it still does some what.

I've been reading this blog for hours today Too much, Not Enough http://bellaanorexia.blogspot.com.au/2012_08_01_archive.html
I'm absolutely loving it!

The new GP

So saw the new GP this morning, I like her a lot, she seems lovely and very friendly. I gave her my history she seemed concerned that things were coming back I tried to explain that my thoughts/thinking never actually changed but she still seemed concerned. Was weighed and not allowed to look god that hasn't happened in so long!
I got my referral this is what she wrote:

Thank you for seeing ..... , age 25 years, for your opinion and management. On her return from the UK she has had an exacerbation of her eating disorder symptoms, and her mood is becoming lower. She has had thoughts of cutting, and has started purging again. I have started her back on her Pristiq while waiting to see you. Her obs are stable at present and she has no suicidal thoughts.

geez!

So yah sposed to start back on medication, not sure if I will though. I mean seriously I was on medication for years and as I said my thoughts never changed, sure I could function go to work etc but i still had them they just didn't completely take over my life anymore.
She wants me to go back again next week to discuss blood results, I told her I thought they would be normal (which they will be) cause I've been eating like a fat fucking pig for so long they would have to be.

In other news I had a decent day with calories. 226 total probably actually a bit less cause I rounded a few things up. Didn't go to the gym just couldn't be bothered today but did walk around the shopping centre for about 4 hours carrying a baby.

Gained.

So as I thought I RUINED the entire week for this weigh in I gained a disgusting 1.4kg. I knew it was going to happen, just hoped that it wouldn't be so much.
I did want to start the ABC diet today but ofcourse my fat self ruined it already. I was on track until about 7pm tonight when I hate a few hundred calories more than I should. So I'm between 500 and 1000 which is just way to high. Will try again tomorrow. I know I can do this, it is all just a matter of getting past that first day.
I did an hour of cardio at the gym today. Also getting a bit of exercise digging a hole in the backyard. My beautiful puppy (not quite a puppy 10 years old) has cancer and isn't well at all so the Vet has said we should put her to sleep. It is happening Monday. I hate it, but don't want her in pain.

I've got a drs appointment tomorrow, just the GP. I've apparently got eczma (spelling?) in my ears so they get super annoyingly itchy and have found myself a new GP to try and get this shit sorted out. Thought I would also get a referral to my shrink, I haven't been in that long that I need one. I just hate going through the hole medical history bit with new drs does my head in. I need to get a letter that I am healthy to work (just a standard thing that nanny agencies like to have) so can't really walk in there and give her my life story and say yah I think I'm going crazy so refer me to my shrink please oh and by the way I need a letter to say I can look after children :/

ABCing again.

It's weigh in tomorrow, which I know I am completely screwed for. I'm going to hate it but deal with it.

I'm going to try the ABC diet again. I really need to get myself sorted out or I am going to keep on getting fatter and fatter and fatter. I'm quite excited about it. I'm hoping to do A LOT better than last time I can't remember exactly but I think I made about a week.. I've got it written down in my 'thinspo' notebook so will have to look it up. It was difficult last time just cause I had so much on with travelling for work etc but i don't have that this time so fingers crossed I will do well.

Falling apart!

I feel my mind, myself falling apart more and more each day. I know I should see me dr, but I don't want to while I'm this fat. I lost 1.3kg on Thursday for the weekly weigh in but have since ruined it surprise, surprise. I don't know why if I'm feeling so crap again why I can't just lose more and more and keep it off.

One day I just want to look in the mirror and like what I see, not even like it, just not hate and despise it. It's no wonder I don't have a boyfriend when I look like this, no one is ever going to want me, desire me. I hate myself so much I just want to disappear.

Distraction....

I'm on him cause I am trying not to screw up too badly. I can't seem to stop eating. So far this week I have kept it under control some what by not eating all day but then lose control at night so can't do too much damage but with only 1.5 days until weigh in I am seriously freaking out. I so badly wanted to lose a decent amount this week!  It is starting to drive me a bit crazy.. haha like I wasn't crazy already.

My very annoying sister keeps asking me what I'm doing. If I'm staying in Australia or going back to London. I DON'T KNOW. I just feel like screaming at her she just keeps on and on at me, like I know what I'm doing and I'm keeping it a secret, why the fuck would I do that? I just don't know what the hell I want in life. I'm just so over everything.

Unemployment really doesn't suit me. I really don't do well being on my own with nothing to do for days and days on end. And I can't really get a job unil I decide where I want to live cause it isn't really good for the children for someone to come into their lives and then just leave again.

I wish there was someone that would just tell me what to do.

Followers?

How in the world do I get more followers? I've been sitting at 83 for so long now and it is really giving me the shits! So many of you have hundreds and hundreds.

Today went alright, sort of stuffed it up tonight though but I'm still putting it in the 'alight' day column (no I don't actually have columns just in my head :/ )
I was at the gym for about 4 hrs today, not exercising the entire time haha I wish, I'm not that good! I walked/ran 10kms then did some weights and stuff and did a boxing class, god I felt amazing. Especially after my run! For days I've been running for 10 - 15 minutes then giving up and getting lazy but I actually finished the 30 minutes I wanted to do straight running then just walked really fast for the rest of the time. I also worked really hard in boxing this week, not like last week where every time the instructor turned around I stopped putting effort in. I then did a few rounds of the sauna, steam room and cold room. I could live in the cold room, LOVE it!

The day was going perfectly until I got home from the gym went at the perfect time so had excuse to miss lunch, and dinner but then when I got home I started snacking. AHHHHHHH! So today I'm sitting on about 600 calories but I burnt off well over 1100 at the gym so I'm comforting myself with that thought hoping I can be stronger tomorrow.

Can do better

So today didn't go as well as I had hoped for. I was suppose to go to the gym twice but my sister pulled out of boxing tonight and I didn't want to go by myself so I only did 1 hour at the gym and if I knew I was only going to go the once I would have worked A LOT harder.

Calories I don't know exactly how many I've had I assume around 500. I didn't want to eat anywhere near that much but I guess it's a start.

I'm really worried about this weeks weigh in! I've got to lose 2kg by Thursday morning just to stay the same. GRRR! I always manage to stuff it up.

Ruined it.

I was going so well, but ofcourse I had to ruin it again. I was down the lowest I had been in two years (still fat and nowhere near my lowest but still hadn't seen it for two years) I was so excited but I seem to have just seen that number and shoved everything I could see in my mouth. So I'm now 2kg up and feeling like crap. Which is sort of why I'm writing again, I thought if I came on here I would have to be good, be accountable for my actions again.

I need to get myself in line!

there are 8.5 weeks until my sisters wedding and I can't be a fat bridesmaid. I've got boxing at the gym two times this week and hopefully a few other classes then just running.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day, I promise. I will write again tomorrow to make sure I am on track.

Down 2kg.

I haven't written for ages, but I am down another 2kg. The first week was good lost 1.7 then the next week I lost 300 grams. What a complete waste! I spent 2 hours at the gym nearly every day burning between 750 and 1000 calories for a stupid 300 grams. 300 FUCKING GRAMS! I'm over it, so close to giving up. I just want it to come off, to melt away but it's not working.

We're trying on bridesmaid dresses on Thursday, just what I need. I hate trying clothes on. My promise to myself to not be a fat bridesmaid isn't going to happen.

I just need to get rid of this fat!

Weigh in

I gained this morning at my weight watchers weigh in, I knew I would. It wasn't actually as much as I thought it was going to be 0.5kg so hopefully by next weigh in I will have lost that plus some more.