3 months down

So I've been back in London for just over three months. All started out great, it cut out my pretty much daily cutting and vomiting out cause I just couldn't do it ( work was busy, plus I'm a live in nanny nada we travel a lot and I could never expose the children to that if for some crazy reason they happened to find out. So it was brilliant for about a month, now it's going down hill again. Nothing has changed, just my thinking. I've started cutting again, although not nearly as much as I feel the need to.

I've hit very annoying maintaining with my weight. I put on when I came over then got myself under control and am smaller than when I left Australia but now I'm staying the same (this week I think I've gained but too scared to look). The last few weeks I can't stop eating, I hate it and it makes me want to cut even more. I'm so close to my first goal weight I just don't want to ruin it, but the fat failure that I am I probably will. I get officially weighed on Wednesday so now where I sit, hopefully I haven't gained but will get back on track and lose lose lose!

I just want to cry when I look in the mirror, well not even look in the mirror just when the thought of me crosses my mind.

I hate it! I hate me so so much!

Giving up laxatives!

I really need to remember why I started this blog (how many times have I said that?) I started it to keep myself honest to track my progress and to get all this shit out of my head and I need to get back to that. Things are just out of control with my eating. My goal this week is to give up laxatives, I'm using them more and have to take more and more each time to get them to work, so what I want to do is to STOP. Take them at the absolute most once a week instead of the nearly every day I've been doing for the last month. I need to do this or I am going to screw up my body, well more so than it already is.

I'm also going back to writing everything down for my daily intake. I decided about a month ago (ish) to work in net which I never did before but I quite like it.

Breakfast: nothing (0)

Lunch: nothing (0)

Dinner: nothing (0)

Snacks: nothing (0)

Exercise: 1hr on treadmill walking/running and 15 mins on bike (616)

Total: -616

Blogs Disappeared!

I've just logged in, after quite a while to see that all the blogs I have been following are no longer on my list. It now just says you are not following any blogs click the add button to add to your reading list. WTF! I don't even know what half of my favourite ones were called, I didn't need to know cause they were in my list. You have no idea how annoyed I am.

Things haven't been amazing hence not writing for so long, I honestly just can't be bothered doing anything. My days involve watching numerous dvds and pretty much not leaving the couch. I'm cutting more, I'm attempting to fast, every time I break it I throw it up and start again.

I'm sick of stupid comments from my family, I get looks when I put toast in the toaster 'what are you doing? why are you breaking so badly tonight?' I feel like screaming I have not touched one calorie for 2 days and I'm going to throw this up anyway but I don't, it just means I'm doing my job and hiding it will that they don't know I haven't kept anything down for nearly a week.

I'm working tomorrow and Saturday, I don't want to, which is a worry cause I love work and am working for my favourite family. But as I said I'm just over it, over every fucking thing.