It's Changing....

It's all changing and I can't stop it. I can see it, see it every time I say something and I know I should stop myself saying it but I'm just so comfortable around him now I can't stop it coming out. He never used to get annoyed. Now he does. Even when he doesn't say anything I can see it all over his face.

Everything that comes out of his mouth I twist around.
He is trying to help but even his help I twist around.
He says he will help me exercise (so you agree I'm a fat pig and need to exercise).
He says I just need to eat healthier (so he thinks I'm fat and disgusting and I don't deserve any treats).
I can't stop doing it, it's driving me even more isane and then I feel so guilty cause it upsets him so I feel even worse.

He deserves so much better than me. Someone who is skinny and sexy and pretty. Someone who isn't as dumb as a post. I just don't know why he is with me.
I don't get it.
And I think it's going to ruin us. But then I don't know if that's all in my head too. 😫😫

Too Fat, Too Fat, Too Fat!

Falling down again. I'm not sure what has changed... well lots has changed but I'm not sure what has given me that shove, a shove that I seem to be welcoming back with open arms.

For the last week I have been throwing up every day, sometimes twice, today was the only binge other times I just thought the meal was too much. It's funny how things slip back into place so easily.
I've been cutting a lot more as well, the release is just like it used to be, not as good, but still there.
I do want to stop the vomiting and the only way to do that is to restrict. I need that addictive, amazing high now and that is the only other way I know to get it.

I haven't written in so long. I've slipped back into work and London life like I never left. I'm not enjoying work much at the moment at all, a lot of travel involved and it is very stressful.
The major thing that has changed is I'm no longer a virgin... not quite sure if I ever admitted that on here, but since no one will ever know about this I think it is ok to write. I'm falling for this guy well and truly but it's only a matter of time before he sees the true me and ditches me, it will never last. Maybe if I lose some weight I will be able to keep for just a little bit longer.

For a while now everything has been going a long ok. I can't say I have ever forgotten about that fat that engulfs my body but being at the high end of normal weight didn't plague me day to day. No that's a lie it did but I got distracted by other things which made me stay this disgusting, hideous weight. It won't be with me for much longer!

3 months down

So I've been back in London for just over three months. All started out great, it cut out my pretty much daily cutting and vomiting out cause I just couldn't do it ( work was busy, plus I'm a live in nanny nada we travel a lot and I could never expose the children to that if for some crazy reason they happened to find out. So it was brilliant for about a month, now it's going down hill again. Nothing has changed, just my thinking. I've started cutting again, although not nearly as much as I feel the need to.

I've hit very annoying maintaining with my weight. I put on when I came over then got myself under control and am smaller than when I left Australia but now I'm staying the same (this week I think I've gained but too scared to look). The last few weeks I can't stop eating, I hate it and it makes me want to cut even more. I'm so close to my first goal weight I just don't want to ruin it, but the fat failure that I am I probably will. I get officially weighed on Wednesday so now where I sit, hopefully I haven't gained but will get back on track and lose lose lose!

I just want to cry when I look in the mirror, well not even look in the mirror just when the thought of me crosses my mind.

I hate it! I hate me so so much!

Packing

So I've just started packing and is always the way with me I've got way to much crap that I want to take with me. I'm finding it quite stressful trying to take things out cause I can't afford to buy lots of new stuff as soon as I get there so sort of need it all. There are of course a few things I've already put back in the cupboard knowing my boss would think they are awful, even though I love them! She's big into fashion, buys the most expensive clothes and I just know I won't be able to cope with the comments in the frame of mind I'm in at the moment.

I'm getting more and more anxious about not having scales with me. I won't be able to see it going on (if it does, hopefully it won't!) I won't be able to check each day and by the time my clothes start getting tight it's too late I'm already fat, it is really freaking me out, I can't stop thinking about it and I can't talk to anyone about it cause they will just laugh at me.

A few people in one of my posts suggested that I see/talk to someone in London. My shrink does actually want me to do this but it isn't really possible. She doesn't know anyone over there to recommend, which isn't a bad thing would be happy to find my own but since I work 7am - 7pm  Monday - Friday there isn't really a chance for me to see anyone. There were a couple of people I was looking up that do evening sessions but I'm assuming evening sessions would finish at around 6:30 and I wouldn't be able to get to anyone until 7:30 at the absolute earliest - and that's if they are really close, so I might just have to try and keep myself sane hahaha yep I'm laughing at that too!

Moving back to London

It is official I'm going back to London until early December. My shrink thought it was a very good idea, well she wanted me back in September to do some 'intensive therapy' but December isn't that much longer.

I'm so worried. I'm worried that without supervision my weight will drop very fast, which I would love! I'm also scared it will go the opposite way, I gained so much when I was in London before and I'm very anxious about this happening again. I'm anxious about everything, life in general, which I've never really had and I just can't seem to shake it.

I'm going to miss my nephew so much! He's 7 months old and this next 6 months is going to be massive in his development and I'm going to miss it all! I'm also going to come back and he will have no idea who I am.
I'm going to miss 'my children' the 5 I used to nanny for and are like my other family.

I don't want to go, but I do want to go. I just don't know what I want from my life, I don't think it will ever amount to anything.

Giving up laxatives!

I really need to remember why I started this blog (how many times have I said that?) I started it to keep myself honest to track my progress and to get all this shit out of my head and I need to get back to that. Things are just out of control with my eating. My goal this week is to give up laxatives, I'm using them more and have to take more and more each time to get them to work, so what I want to do is to STOP. Take them at the absolute most once a week instead of the nearly every day I've been doing for the last month. I need to do this or I am going to screw up my body, well more so than it already is.

I'm also going back to writing everything down for my daily intake. I decided about a month ago (ish) to work in net which I never did before but I quite like it.

Breakfast: nothing (0)

Lunch: nothing (0)

Dinner: nothing (0)

Snacks: nothing (0)

Exercise: 1hr on treadmill walking/running and 15 mins on bike (616)

Total: -616