I screwed up my diet today I couldn't resist the chocolate that was in the cupboard. I know everyone probably expected it, the fat fuck that I am how could I actually stick to a diet properly. I just feel disgusting. My mum said I haven't been eating much, I have to eat more it's not healthy so today I asked if I could have some icecream, the look on her face it was like complete disappointment and then she wonders why I say don't worry I don't fucking want it anymore. At least it prevented the binge.
I don't know how they can honestly wonder why I'm screwed up like this... they are all the same. Food is like the enemy in this house. No surprise I got fat in London cause I was actually around people who are fairly normal with food it's like that gave me permission to eat more, I still had all my thoughts but the fact that no one else had them that everyone else was normal about it I think really helped.
This week isn't working, I'm not losing weight fast enough and probably after today I've gained.
This is fucked, life is fucked, I'm over this shit.
Hey, it'll be okay, and tomorrow will be better. You can get through this. <3
ReplyDeleteMy family's similarly fucked when it comes to food--to my mother, the actual substance of food is amazing and wonderful and "you REALLY need to eat more, Dancer, you don't understand that!" but calories are the devil. She keeps telling me that I need to eat more (even though I've been eating like a FAT COW), but then when I point out that the packet of cashews I was having for dinner are 330 calories, "Oh, wow! Well, you'd better eat them slow! No wonder you gain weight while you're here!"
Fucking hell.
Sorry things are kind of difficult at home. My family is the opposite; we're Italian, so all get-togethers revolve around delicious (and mostly healthy) food. No one's fat in my family, but I've always felt like I was big because I tower over them at 5'8'' and I just feel like I eat so much...
ReplyDeleteStay strong, hun, and just because today was difficult doesn't mean that tomorrow will be too!
Lena xx
Parents can be so confusing, but sometimes we can read to much into things. That look might have been a look of concern that you were asking for ice cream to aleviate her fears, not that you were "fat" and eating. <3
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I'm sorry to hear food's such an issue in your house. My family are fairly normal with food so I've never had that problem. It can be so confusing when they say you eat too little, then too much... :-/
ReplyDeleteTomorrow will be better. Keep your head high sweetie <3 xx