Too Fat, Too Fat, Too Fat!

Falling down again. I'm not sure what has changed... well lots has changed but I'm not sure what has given me that shove, a shove that I seem to be welcoming back with open arms.

For the last week I have been throwing up every day, sometimes twice, today was the only binge other times I just thought the meal was too much. It's funny how things slip back into place so easily.
I've been cutting a lot more as well, the release is just like it used to be, not as good, but still there.
I do want to stop the vomiting and the only way to do that is to restrict. I need that addictive, amazing high now and that is the only other way I know to get it.

I haven't written in so long. I've slipped back into work and London life like I never left. I'm not enjoying work much at the moment at all, a lot of travel involved and it is very stressful.
The major thing that has changed is I'm no longer a virgin... not quite sure if I ever admitted that on here, but since no one will ever know about this I think it is ok to write. I'm falling for this guy well and truly but it's only a matter of time before he sees the true me and ditches me, it will never last. Maybe if I lose some weight I will be able to keep for just a little bit longer.

For a while now everything has been going a long ok. I can't say I have ever forgotten about that fat that engulfs my body but being at the high end of normal weight didn't plague me day to day. No that's a lie it did but I got distracted by other things which made me stay this disgusting, hideous weight. It won't be with me for much longer!

Watch me Shrink

I haven't done a blog in such a long time, life has been very busy, mostly fun, lots of adventures and distractions but with that came a lot of weight gain. And I really can't stand it anymore. The last straight was going out for my birthday last night and my favourite dress was tight I was mortified and nearly broke down crying but obviously had to keep it together so my friends don't think I'm completely crazy. So it starts again, my blog, my diets, my weighing, my shrinking....

I will hopefully be getting more time over the next two weeks to blog before I have to go away for a week for work. So my diet needs to be perfect for two weeks to hopefully maintain for the week I'm away and then continue losing again on return.

I am considering posting my weight as an extreme measure of just how disgusting I have got and so I can show everyone the numbers going down down down but I'm not sure if I'm brave enough cause it is the most I've been in such a long time. We will see.

Off for a run and need to take my measurement :(

Stay strong.

Moving back to London

It is official I'm going back to London until early December. My shrink thought it was a very good idea, well she wanted me back in September to do some 'intensive therapy' but December isn't that much longer.

I'm so worried. I'm worried that without supervision my weight will drop very fast, which I would love! I'm also scared it will go the opposite way, I gained so much when I was in London before and I'm very anxious about this happening again. I'm anxious about everything, life in general, which I've never really had and I just can't seem to shake it.

I'm going to miss my nephew so much! He's 7 months old and this next 6 months is going to be massive in his development and I'm going to miss it all! I'm also going to come back and he will have no idea who I am.
I'm going to miss 'my children' the 5 I used to nanny for and are like my other family.

I don't want to go, but I do want to go. I just don't know what I want from my life, I don't think it will ever amount to anything.

Giving up laxatives!

I really need to remember why I started this blog (how many times have I said that?) I started it to keep myself honest to track my progress and to get all this shit out of my head and I need to get back to that. Things are just out of control with my eating. My goal this week is to give up laxatives, I'm using them more and have to take more and more each time to get them to work, so what I want to do is to STOP. Take them at the absolute most once a week instead of the nearly every day I've been doing for the last month. I need to do this or I am going to screw up my body, well more so than it already is.

I'm also going back to writing everything down for my daily intake. I decided about a month ago (ish) to work in net which I never did before but I quite like it.

Breakfast: nothing (0)

Lunch: nothing (0)

Dinner: nothing (0)

Snacks: nothing (0)

Exercise: 1hr on treadmill walking/running and 15 mins on bike (616)

Total: -616