The fat doesn't move.

That fat doesn't move, won't disappear and get off my body. I lost 3lbs since I last wrote, what a poor excuse for weight loss!

My current plan to thin is to follow weight watchers. It is a good plan works well when you stick to it and is 'healthy and normal' I'm hoping it will get the binging and purging under control. The minimum points you are allowed in the weight watchers system is 26, which is what you get if you are in a healthy weight range. So I'm not allowed to go over 26, today I've used 16 and I'm done, no more for this fat pig. I just need to be thin and everything will improve.

Work is so stressful at the moment cause I just don't know what is going to happen with it. The family I work for may move out to the country or may not. But if they do, do I want to go (not really but I feel so guilty if I say that) will they stay in London ? There are so many decisions the family need to make and each one has a huge impact on my job and if I like it or hate it. I'm worried and stressed and hating it.

Gah I hate being an adult and all the shit you have to deal with.

3 months down

So I've been back in London for just over three months. All started out great, it cut out my pretty much daily cutting and vomiting out cause I just couldn't do it ( work was busy, plus I'm a live in nanny nada we travel a lot and I could never expose the children to that if for some crazy reason they happened to find out. So it was brilliant for about a month, now it's going down hill again. Nothing has changed, just my thinking. I've started cutting again, although not nearly as much as I feel the need to.

I've hit very annoying maintaining with my weight. I put on when I came over then got myself under control and am smaller than when I left Australia but now I'm staying the same (this week I think I've gained but too scared to look). The last few weeks I can't stop eating, I hate it and it makes me want to cut even more. I'm so close to my first goal weight I just don't want to ruin it, but the fat failure that I am I probably will. I get officially weighed on Wednesday so now where I sit, hopefully I haven't gained but will get back on track and lose lose lose!

I just want to cry when I look in the mirror, well not even look in the mirror just when the thought of me crosses my mind.

I hate it! I hate me so so much!

Offered my old job back.

My ex boss (from London) rang last night, wants me to go back. She's not happy with the new nanny, as she said it I was super excited, but now the more I think about it the more unsure I am. I don't know what to do.
I know if I stay here, things won't improve, well not for a long while, at least until my shrink talks me into starting the medication she has been trying to convince me to start for the last two sessions. But if I go I won't have my doctor incase things to get even worse than they are now. I have been the worst I have been in years, and I don't know what to do. I'm also confused about the job, my boss mentioned until December that I would come back (for a working holiday I already have booked in) but not sure if it was do that holiday and then go back to London or if it was do holiday then stay in Australia and she'll find someone else. I'm just so confused about everything, and the worst part is I sort of need to give her an answer cause if I want to do it I need to be back in London for the 12th July!!! I will talk to my shrink about it on Monday but if I decide to go that will be my last appointment with her cause then she goes on holiday on the Wednesday.

It would just be so much easier to have none of this, no options. Just easier if I wasn't here.

Giving up laxatives!

I really need to remember why I started this blog (how many times have I said that?) I started it to keep myself honest to track my progress and to get all this shit out of my head and I need to get back to that. Things are just out of control with my eating. My goal this week is to give up laxatives, I'm using them more and have to take more and more each time to get them to work, so what I want to do is to STOP. Take them at the absolute most once a week instead of the nearly every day I've been doing for the last month. I need to do this or I am going to screw up my body, well more so than it already is.

I'm also going back to writing everything down for my daily intake. I decided about a month ago (ish) to work in net which I never did before but I quite like it.

Breakfast: nothing (0)

Lunch: nothing (0)

Dinner: nothing (0)

Snacks: nothing (0)

Exercise: 1hr on treadmill walking/running and 15 mins on bike (616)

Total: -616