Watch me Shrink

I haven't done a blog in such a long time, life has been very busy, mostly fun, lots of adventures and distractions but with that came a lot of weight gain. And I really can't stand it anymore. The last straight was going out for my birthday last night and my favourite dress was tight I was mortified and nearly broke down crying but obviously had to keep it together so my friends don't think I'm completely crazy. So it starts again, my blog, my diets, my weighing, my shrinking....

I will hopefully be getting more time over the next two weeks to blog before I have to go away for a week for work. So my diet needs to be perfect for two weeks to hopefully maintain for the week I'm away and then continue losing again on return.

I am considering posting my weight as an extreme measure of just how disgusting I have got and so I can show everyone the numbers going down down down but I'm not sure if I'm brave enough cause it is the most I've been in such a long time. We will see.

Off for a run and need to take my measurement :(

Stay strong.

Packing

So I've just started packing and is always the way with me I've got way to much crap that I want to take with me. I'm finding it quite stressful trying to take things out cause I can't afford to buy lots of new stuff as soon as I get there so sort of need it all. There are of course a few things I've already put back in the cupboard knowing my boss would think they are awful, even though I love them! She's big into fashion, buys the most expensive clothes and I just know I won't be able to cope with the comments in the frame of mind I'm in at the moment.

I'm getting more and more anxious about not having scales with me. I won't be able to see it going on (if it does, hopefully it won't!) I won't be able to check each day and by the time my clothes start getting tight it's too late I'm already fat, it is really freaking me out, I can't stop thinking about it and I can't talk to anyone about it cause they will just laugh at me.

A few people in one of my posts suggested that I see/talk to someone in London. My shrink does actually want me to do this but it isn't really possible. She doesn't know anyone over there to recommend, which isn't a bad thing would be happy to find my own but since I work 7am - 7pm  Monday - Friday there isn't really a chance for me to see anyone. There were a couple of people I was looking up that do evening sessions but I'm assuming evening sessions would finish at around 6:30 and I wouldn't be able to get to anyone until 7:30 at the absolute earliest - and that's if they are really close, so I might just have to try and keep myself sane hahaha yep I'm laughing at that too!

Moving back to London

It is official I'm going back to London until early December. My shrink thought it was a very good idea, well she wanted me back in September to do some 'intensive therapy' but December isn't that much longer.

I'm so worried. I'm worried that without supervision my weight will drop very fast, which I would love! I'm also scared it will go the opposite way, I gained so much when I was in London before and I'm very anxious about this happening again. I'm anxious about everything, life in general, which I've never really had and I just can't seem to shake it.

I'm going to miss my nephew so much! He's 7 months old and this next 6 months is going to be massive in his development and I'm going to miss it all! I'm also going to come back and he will have no idea who I am.
I'm going to miss 'my children' the 5 I used to nanny for and are like my other family.

I don't want to go, but I do want to go. I just don't know what I want from my life, I don't think it will ever amount to anything.

Offered my old job back.

My ex boss (from London) rang last night, wants me to go back. She's not happy with the new nanny, as she said it I was super excited, but now the more I think about it the more unsure I am. I don't know what to do.
I know if I stay here, things won't improve, well not for a long while, at least until my shrink talks me into starting the medication she has been trying to convince me to start for the last two sessions. But if I go I won't have my doctor incase things to get even worse than they are now. I have been the worst I have been in years, and I don't know what to do. I'm also confused about the job, my boss mentioned until December that I would come back (for a working holiday I already have booked in) but not sure if it was do that holiday and then go back to London or if it was do holiday then stay in Australia and she'll find someone else. I'm just so confused about everything, and the worst part is I sort of need to give her an answer cause if I want to do it I need to be back in London for the 12th July!!! I will talk to my shrink about it on Monday but if I decide to go that will be my last appointment with her cause then she goes on holiday on the Wednesday.

It would just be so much easier to have none of this, no options. Just easier if I wasn't here.