What I would say if I could get the worlds out....
It might surprise you all to know that I have found myself a man... After a year and a bit it still surprises me and I am absolutely convinced that he is going to leave at any second. He is struggling at the moment with the fact that I am down and made a comment that if I hurt myself he will do the same. Now I know this was meant to be a 'I need to show you it hurts me when you do it' sort of statement but that's not what it's like. To say you will just do something... Something that I've been struggling with for around 12 years now it's like he just doesn't understand, and I'm sure he doesn't.
He also gets annoyed when I say he doesn't love me (fair enough I suppose) but I just know he doesn't.. How could he?!?!
He wants me to talk to him but I don't know how to get the words out to just say everything I want to without saying it wrong.
To say I love him so much, more than anything, but no I don't know he loves me. I know he likes me, puts up with me, sometimes I even think he might love me but it doesn't last for long.
Every time he tells me he loves me in my head I say no, don't talk shit. Everytime he says anything nice or compliments me in any way I'm saying the complete opposite in my head cause it just isn't true. I don't deserve his love, I don't deserve anything nice he does for me.
I want to ask him how he can possibly find me attractive because when I look in the mirror I just want to cry, which is why I avoid them. That everything about me is ugly and disgusting and I just don't want to be me.
He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever and I want that so very much but I try not to thinks about it because when it sometimes floats into my head it just makes me upset because I know it won't ever happen. He puts up with it now all my little thingsthat annoy him and upset him, but over time they will grown and grow until he can't deal with it anymore. I KNOW I will ruin this. I will ruin it with all my crap, but I don't know how to stop, it is all too much a part of me now, it has been there for so long I don't know how to be different.
I want to be so much better for him. I want to be attractive. So the first step is to lose weight...
I hate to say it, but I've been there. They really don't understand. One time after I self-harmed, I obviously didn't stash the blades as well/as soon as I should've. After my ex saw the cuts, he flipped. Next thing I know, mum and I are standing over him as he sits on the floor holding a blade to his wrist (he didn't do anything). I never forgave him for that one.
ReplyDeleteTry to take care of yourself. Trust him when he says he loves you. I know it's hard, but you are worthy of love, just like everyone else on this planet.
<3
xxxx
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