So saw the new GP this morning, I like her a lot, she seems lovely and very friendly. I gave her my history she seemed concerned that things were coming back I tried to explain that my thoughts/thinking never actually changed but she still seemed concerned. Was weighed and not allowed to look god that hasn't happened in so long!
I got my referral this is what she wrote:
Thank you for seeing ..... , age 25 years, for your opinion and management. On her return from the UK she has had an exacerbation of her eating disorder symptoms, and her mood is becoming lower. She has had thoughts of cutting, and has started purging again. I have started her back on her Pristiq while waiting to see you. Her obs are stable at present and she has no suicidal thoughts.
geez!
So yah sposed to start back on medication, not sure if I will though. I mean seriously I was on medication for years and as I said my thoughts never changed, sure I could function go to work etc but i still had them they just didn't completely take over my life anymore.
She wants me to go back again next week to discuss blood results, I told her I thought they would be normal (which they will be) cause I've been eating like a fat fucking pig for so long they would have to be.
In other news I had a decent day with calories. 226 total probably actually a bit less cause I rounded a few things up. Didn't go to the gym just couldn't be bothered today but did walk around the shopping centre for about 4 hours carrying a baby.
Showing posts with label failed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label failed. Show all posts
Friday, 8 March 2013
Saturday, 8 December 2012
Psychiatrists
I know I should really see my shrink. I've been feeling bad, not leaving the house and the cutting as well but I just can't be bothered. I mean she hasn't changed my thinking in nearly 10 years so what's the point of seeing her?
I'm not sure if it is just my shrink or they all do it but whenever she suggests something like CBT it's about sending me to someone else, nutritionist send me to someone else it's like she doesn't want to do anything and I wonder if they are all like this or it is just mine? Is it because they aren't qualified to do it I know nutrionist is different but can't they do pretty much everything else? Or is it really just medication that they can give you?
I know I need to see her but I won't, not while I'm this fat.
I'm not sure if it is just my shrink or they all do it but whenever she suggests something like CBT it's about sending me to someone else, nutritionist send me to someone else it's like she doesn't want to do anything and I wonder if they are all like this or it is just mine? Is it because they aren't qualified to do it I know nutrionist is different but can't they do pretty much everything else? Or is it really just medication that they can give you?
I know I need to see her but I won't, not while I'm this fat.
Friday, 5 October 2012
Off to Bath!!!
I'm so excited we are having a girls weekend in Bath, leave tomorrow morning. Just one night wish we were going longer but impossible.
Things have been so busy I've just spent two nights at work when M's mum was away in Scotland. Tired.
I only have one week left. Everything is going too fast. I'm gaining weight. I hate it. I need to get my eating back into some sort of respectable pattern. After this weekend its on like donkey kong.
I gained on Wednesday A LOT can't remember exact number so will have to put it in next post.
My goal is to lose every week until I go home, even if its just 100 grams or something I just have to STOP gaining.
Will try and write properly on Monday. My head is crazy at the moment.
Things have been so busy I've just spent two nights at work when M's mum was away in Scotland. Tired.
I only have one week left. Everything is going too fast. I'm gaining weight. I hate it. I need to get my eating back into some sort of respectable pattern. After this weekend its on like donkey kong.
I gained on Wednesday A LOT can't remember exact number so will have to put it in next post.
My goal is to lose every week until I go home, even if its just 100 grams or something I just have to STOP gaining.
Will try and write properly on Monday. My head is crazy at the moment.
Sunday, 9 September 2012
Bad Day
Yesterday was a bad day calorie wise. A VERY bad day. Even though I planned it, even though I said a week ago on Saturday I can eat whatever I still feel like absolute shit today. I can't believe I ate as much as I did, I'm mortified and disgusted. I just want to cut away all my fat. I truly hate it!
All I think of is I've gained weight, that I'm going to be up on my next Wednesday weigh in. I haven't weighed, I can't face it. But I know I will still be up on Wednesday. I always do this, I lose a little bit then I gain it back so when I lose again it doesn't even fucking count I'm just loosing weight that I've put on. I think if I'm good today, Monday and Tuesday all I can really hope for is staying the same, but even that is a big ask.
I can't handle this shit, being this fat and awful. Everything I put in my mouth is just making me fatter and fatter and fatter.
I shall be updating my blog as much as possible and telling you what I'm doing to keep me on track, I think this Wednesday is lost to me but if I am good from now until the weigh in after next I should lose a decent amount, Olympics are over and I'm sure I can talk people out of any plans they want to arrange (nothing booked in yet).
It's midday. I had some Snack a Jacks for breakfast for 92 calories. Until weigh in after next I am going to try my hardest to have 500 (or under) every day, which I am generally good at it is just when I have to go out and socialize that things start getting hard. Also going to try and go to the gym 5 times a week. 4 times next week cause I have to work late on Tuesday night.
I can do this.
I can be thin!
All I think of is I've gained weight, that I'm going to be up on my next Wednesday weigh in. I haven't weighed, I can't face it. But I know I will still be up on Wednesday. I always do this, I lose a little bit then I gain it back so when I lose again it doesn't even fucking count I'm just loosing weight that I've put on. I think if I'm good today, Monday and Tuesday all I can really hope for is staying the same, but even that is a big ask.
I can't handle this shit, being this fat and awful. Everything I put in my mouth is just making me fatter and fatter and fatter.
I shall be updating my blog as much as possible and telling you what I'm doing to keep me on track, I think this Wednesday is lost to me but if I am good from now until the weigh in after next I should lose a decent amount, Olympics are over and I'm sure I can talk people out of any plans they want to arrange (nothing booked in yet).
It's midday. I had some Snack a Jacks for breakfast for 92 calories. Until weigh in after next I am going to try my hardest to have 500 (or under) every day, which I am generally good at it is just when I have to go out and socialize that things start getting hard. Also going to try and go to the gym 5 times a week. 4 times next week cause I have to work late on Tuesday night.
I can do this.
I can be thin!
Friday, 10 August 2012
Trip cancelled
I'm really annoyed I went online to book my trip to Egypt etc and it wasn't on the site which means its all booked out or they don't do that date anymore, which was what I was planning everything around. Hve emailed them just to make sure I'm not missing it on the site, but I'm gutted! So now I don't know what to do. Work for another month and save the money/ still finish on the 12th October and go home then or try and find another tour that starts around the 21st don't know where in the world I want to go.. I really had my heart set on the Egypt trip.
Had a rubbish day today. After another good day yesterday with 400 and something calories I had over 600 calories today!!! Gah. I don't know how many exactly but was between 600 and 1000 definitely didn't go over 1000. I just want to cry! My only hope for this time in Norway is that I haven't gained too much since my last official weigh in.
I'm all set to start being really good on the Wednesday, the day after we get back to London. My sister is starting the 12 week challenge at the gym back home which I'm hoping knowing she is loosing loads of weight each week will help motivate me to keep going.
Had a rubbish day today. After another good day yesterday with 400 and something calories I had over 600 calories today!!! Gah. I don't know how many exactly but was between 600 and 1000 definitely didn't go over 1000. I just want to cry! My only hope for this time in Norway is that I haven't gained too much since my last official weigh in.
I'm all set to start being really good on the Wednesday, the day after we get back to London. My sister is starting the 12 week challenge at the gym back home which I'm hoping knowing she is loosing loads of weight each week will help motivate me to keep going.
Monday, 21 May 2012
No Chocolate :)
So made it without having chocolate bars today YAY! Honestly last week I had about 5 in one day. I still ate way more than I should but baby steps.
What actually kept me to it was knowing that I would have to fess up on here. I think when I get back from Australia I am really going to have to start doing my blog properly again and writing down what I eat all day and knowing people are reading it and thinking what a fat fucking cow I am will keep me in line (I hope).
So I am going to try and save this 100 day challenge as soon as I get back to London. When I land I have until the end of the week until my sister arrives and then another week until we go away on holiday so I'm pretty sure if I start walking to work again I can not gain anymore (and hopefully loose) I should be able to have just have my apple and something small for lunch and get away with having one meal with my sister (if that) hopefully some nights she will go and catch up with friends from when she lived over here. Then we go away on our Top Deck tour to eastern europe which some meals are included and since I'm such a fussy eater I am hoping I won't like half the stuff.
What actually kept me to it was knowing that I would have to fess up on here. I think when I get back from Australia I am really going to have to start doing my blog properly again and writing down what I eat all day and knowing people are reading it and thinking what a fat fucking cow I am will keep me in line (I hope).
So I am going to try and save this 100 day challenge as soon as I get back to London. When I land I have until the end of the week until my sister arrives and then another week until we go away on holiday so I'm pretty sure if I start walking to work again I can not gain anymore (and hopefully loose) I should be able to have just have my apple and something small for lunch and get away with having one meal with my sister (if that) hopefully some nights she will go and catch up with friends from when she lived over here. Then we go away on our Top Deck tour to eastern europe which some meals are included and since I'm such a fussy eater I am hoping I won't like half the stuff.
Friday, 11 May 2012
Tired.
I am so tired! Did an overnight at work last night which means I was up with M at 5:45 this morning and straight into a full day of work. My boss has been promising me the afternoon off all week and did I get it? Noooo. Don't know why I'm surprised she never does. What was her excuse? "I know I said you could have the afternoon off but I would like you to stay and work cause I don't want to get tired" seriously?! Miss had a full nights sleep and had done F all all day.
Saturday tomorrow and have to work (HATE weekend work, apart from the extra money). Don't actually know why she needs me she's got her mum looking at the baby and we are going to sell some old baby clothes at a sale but that doesn't take two people.
As you can see I'm a bit annoyed.. what has put me in this feral mood? I think I've gone over 600 calories today. I was at 559, but with the bites of M's dinner and a few cubes of vegetables I think that has taken me over the top :( I'm gutted. My goal is for 2 weeks 600 or under I've certainly done lots of days but they aren't 2 week straight. Am also going out to dinner on Sunday night which is going to screw me up again.. not sure I want to go the vomit route as it's with the same people and if I am nipping off the the bathroom after every meal they are bound to get suspicious.
I'm really really worried about this weeks weigh in. What if I haven't lost the 1kg I want to?
Saturday tomorrow and have to work (HATE weekend work, apart from the extra money). Don't actually know why she needs me she's got her mum looking at the baby and we are going to sell some old baby clothes at a sale but that doesn't take two people.
As you can see I'm a bit annoyed.. what has put me in this feral mood? I think I've gone over 600 calories today. I was at 559, but with the bites of M's dinner and a few cubes of vegetables I think that has taken me over the top :( I'm gutted. My goal is for 2 weeks 600 or under I've certainly done lots of days but they aren't 2 week straight. Am also going out to dinner on Sunday night which is going to screw me up again.. not sure I want to go the vomit route as it's with the same people and if I am nipping off the the bathroom after every meal they are bound to get suspicious.
I'm really really worried about this weeks weigh in. What if I haven't lost the 1kg I want to?
Sunday, 6 May 2012
Wasted
Just finished this book, I'm sure most of you have read it before, as I have numerous times. I found it quite depressing this time around. When she is supposedly recovered and been well for four years yet she's actually not. She still think she's fat, she still under weight she still eats weird. So why even bother trying?
Another day is coming to an end, another day under 600 calories.
I know I said I would update on my 100 day challenge on day 21 or something but thought I would wait until Wednesday so can do an update on weight as well as all my other goals.
For a split second today I thought I could actually tell that I've lost weight (I can NEVER tell) but quickly went away just a trick of the light probably.
Picked up some Topdeck tours magazines for Africa, Egypt and Europe today and dreaming....
Another day is coming to an end, another day under 600 calories.
I know I said I would update on my 100 day challenge on day 21 or something but thought I would wait until Wednesday so can do an update on weight as well as all my other goals.
For a split second today I thought I could actually tell that I've lost weight (I can NEVER tell) but quickly went away just a trick of the light probably.
Picked up some Topdeck tours magazines for Africa, Egypt and Europe today and dreaming....
Friday, 4 May 2012
Depressing Blogs
Have been reading a lot of blogs just now, quite a lot are depressing and about failing and not reaching their goals and binging, well why should I break the trend?
Hadn't eaten anything until about 5pm when I had some pumpkin soup and some rice cakes felt guilty threw it up. Then I got into my last big chocolate easter egg, felt even worse threw it up. I hate throwing up chocolate it taste fucking awful, not sure if I got it all it didn't look like much but nothing else would come up. So I've ruined my under 600 calories, have to start over, yet again. I'm not sure if after throwing up I would be over but it is what actually goes into my mouth if it's over (even if I through it up) I've still eaten over 600 calories.
Rang mum this morning talked about me moving home or staying in London she says I've got some big decisions to make. Why can't someone just tell me what to do. She did say one thing though I need to make the decision to move home and make sure I'll have no regrets. But my head has sort of twisted the question the other way can I stay in London with no regrets? I'm not sure I can. Does that mean I've made up my mind? I DON'T KNOW!!!!
Haven't left the flat all day, I don't think I do well on my own :/
Hadn't eaten anything until about 5pm when I had some pumpkin soup and some rice cakes felt guilty threw it up. Then I got into my last big chocolate easter egg, felt even worse threw it up. I hate throwing up chocolate it taste fucking awful, not sure if I got it all it didn't look like much but nothing else would come up. So I've ruined my under 600 calories, have to start over, yet again. I'm not sure if after throwing up I would be over but it is what actually goes into my mouth if it's over (even if I through it up) I've still eaten over 600 calories.
Rang mum this morning talked about me moving home or staying in London she says I've got some big decisions to make. Why can't someone just tell me what to do. She did say one thing though I need to make the decision to move home and make sure I'll have no regrets. But my head has sort of twisted the question the other way can I stay in London with no regrets? I'm not sure I can. Does that mean I've made up my mind? I DON'T KNOW!!!!
Haven't left the flat all day, I don't think I do well on my own :/
Friday, 27 April 2012
Ultimate FAIL
Well as the title suggests I completely failed at avoiding food at my charges 1st Birthday party today. I was good up until a certain point but about an hour into the party something snapped and I just ate everything in site. I would have gone over 2000 calories today, I feel awful. I didn't even get a nice sugar high, I just felt awful the entire time I was eating it but I just wouldn't couldn't stop myself. I'm so disappointed, all I want to do is cut, but as I have enough ugly scars on my body I am trying not to.
On the way home I was still on my fuck it all attitude and stopped into McDonald's which just sent me over the edge and threw it up, so the McDonald's doesn't really count.
I really hope getting straight back on track tomorrow is going to effect my weigh in on Wednesday too much. I know I have to start again for my under 600 calories a day but am hoping against hope that I haven't done too much damage. Stressing out about it.
Tomorrow morning I have boot camp training in the park with my room mate, first time we're doing it I'm quite looking foward to it. Then going to have a break of exercise on Sunday and Monday and go back to the gym on Tuesday night.
I'm so angry with myself, I can't believe I did that today. Like I didn't even enjoy it you know. I just felt ill after it all. Hopefully that will stop me eating crap tomorrow when we go to this International Cake show.
Hope everyone else is doing better than me.
On the way home I was still on my fuck it all attitude and stopped into McDonald's which just sent me over the edge and threw it up, so the McDonald's doesn't really count.
I really hope getting straight back on track tomorrow is going to effect my weigh in on Wednesday too much. I know I have to start again for my under 600 calories a day but am hoping against hope that I haven't done too much damage. Stressing out about it.
Tomorrow morning I have boot camp training in the park with my room mate, first time we're doing it I'm quite looking foward to it. Then going to have a break of exercise on Sunday and Monday and go back to the gym on Tuesday night.
I'm so angry with myself, I can't believe I did that today. Like I didn't even enjoy it you know. I just felt ill after it all. Hopefully that will stop me eating crap tomorrow when we go to this International Cake show.
Hope everyone else is doing better than me.
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
Lost!
YAY!
Weigh in this morning and I lost 2.3kg (5.1lbs) very excited about that after the crap gains I've had the previous 2 weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to pull off a number like that again next week.
Cupcakes are looming..... have to start baking them tomorrow, so badly want to be strong.
Have been invited out to dinner with a group of people on Friday night have have declined as I need to keep in my head that weight loss is goal number one for this 100 day challenge not socializing.
Walked to work again today, it rained on me :( . Only 2 more days to go and then I've completed my 2 weeks worth thank fucking goodness my blisters are so sore!
Total 549 calories for today.
Weigh in this morning and I lost 2.3kg (5.1lbs) very excited about that after the crap gains I've had the previous 2 weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to pull off a number like that again next week.
Cupcakes are looming..... have to start baking them tomorrow, so badly want to be strong.
Have been invited out to dinner with a group of people on Friday night have have declined as I need to keep in my head that weight loss is goal number one for this 100 day challenge not socializing.
Walked to work again today, it rained on me :( . Only 2 more days to go and then I've completed my 2 weeks worth thank fucking goodness my blisters are so sore!
Total 549 calories for today.
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
Boring Posts
I know my posts are getting boring but I really just don't have much to say at the moment, well that's not quite true I have lots of stuff going through my head that I could write but I'm just soo tired when I get home from work I can't be bothered.
Weigh in tomorrow eeeek. This is the first week in ages that I haven't snuck on the scales mid week to see how things are going. I hate that because I will be all set for a big loss and then when that doesn't happen I will be disappointed... it always happens like that!
Had a good day of eating today, finally I hear you say :) total was 274! Plus did my big walk to work this morning.
Very worried about Friday it's my charges birthday and I am making lots of chocolate and vanilla cupcakes but my boss came home today with lots of cakes too, chocolate ones from M&S it is going to be so hard to resist but I really want to because by Friday (working on if I'm actually good till then) it will be my 4th day on 600 cals or less so if I break it then I will have to start my 2 weeks all over again.
Off to bed.
Weigh in tomorrow eeeek. This is the first week in ages that I haven't snuck on the scales mid week to see how things are going. I hate that because I will be all set for a big loss and then when that doesn't happen I will be disappointed... it always happens like that!
Had a good day of eating today, finally I hear you say :) total was 274! Plus did my big walk to work this morning.
Very worried about Friday it's my charges birthday and I am making lots of chocolate and vanilla cupcakes but my boss came home today with lots of cakes too, chocolate ones from M&S it is going to be so hard to resist but I really want to because by Friday (working on if I'm actually good till then) it will be my 4th day on 600 cals or less so if I break it then I will have to start my 2 weeks all over again.
Off to bed.
Monday, 23 April 2012
58 cals over
AHHHHHHHHHH!
I am so annoyed with myself, I mis-calculated my soup today and thinking I was doing really well and was under my 600 goal I am actually 58 calories OVER! I was really hoping to start my 2 week with a max of 600 today but with this mistake will have to start tomorrow yet another day further away from my goal :(
Walked to work again today, only took an hour and 54mins today YAY getting faster.
How can I be over work for the week when it's only Monday?
I am so annoyed with myself, I mis-calculated my soup today and thinking I was doing really well and was under my 600 goal I am actually 58 calories OVER! I was really hoping to start my 2 week with a max of 600 today but with this mistake will have to start tomorrow yet another day further away from my goal :(
Walked to work again today, only took an hour and 54mins today YAY getting faster.
How can I be over work for the week when it's only Monday?
Monday, 16 April 2012
Already sore
Got up at 5am this morning to walk to work. It was really weird as I was having dreams that I didn't do it and decided to sleep but I was sort of half away as well like I was trying to talk myself out of it, but I DID IT!
2 hrs later and I arrived at work. Can't wait to do it again tomorrow, also a bit excited that I get a sleep in as my boss has given me the morning off YAY!
Food has been rubbish today, honestly the amount I am eating I will be obese fairly soon, it's fucking ridiculous!
2 hrs later and I arrived at work. Can't wait to do it again tomorrow, also a bit excited that I get a sleep in as my boss has given me the morning off YAY!
Food has been rubbish today, honestly the amount I am eating I will be obese fairly soon, it's fucking ridiculous!
Breakfast: apple = 80 calories
Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories
Dinner: Pasta = 342 calories
Snacks: OJ = 118 calories
Mini Pita Breads = 225 calories
Total = 873 calories
FUCK IT!!! That is terrible. I was going so well until I was sooo hungry in the afternoon and ate about 5 mini pita breads and then had some pasta for dinner. I will try and be stonger tomorrow.. should be easy as there are no more pita breads left and I didn't enjoy the past at all so that scraps :)
Just need to get my eating under control.
My Fitness Pal reckons I burnt 463 calories for my 2 hour walk. Don't really believe that though. If it were true it would make my day not THAT bad, bad but not terrible.
Off to bed, hopefully I'll sleep, haven't been lately I just lay there for hours and hours trying to get to sleep. I hate it!
Monday, 9 April 2012
Failure!
Yet again I have failed. No big surprise there really is it.
After I finished writing last night I was so hungry and unfortunately in the kitchen when dinner was being served to everyone, and the smell did me no favours so I ended up have a piece of toast and a sausage then after that I thought fuck it I've just completely ruined the day even more so why not keep eating and then I had a piece of chocolate cake and some vanilla ice cream. I went straight down stairs and threw it all up.
As I said last night I was going to try and fast today.. which is why the title of this post if failure. I only made it till 2pm when I had my Snack a Jacks (108 calories), toast (80 calories) then 3 chocolate biscuits (370 calories) GRRR! I went and did my 100 laps in the pool to stop me eating anymore.
Why do I have to be such a fat pig with no willpower?! I used to be good, it used to be no effort at all to go 5-10 days fasting, I wish I was back there.
I actually have some followers YAY! Welcome. I am hoping that my first followers will keep me on track.
I promise I will be thin! I start tomorrow (again.. I think I say that to myself like everyday) but with you out there reading you will keep me strong. I can do this. I'm not going to try and fast again for awhile... clearly it didn't go well today. I'm just going to keep what I've been doing the last few weeks and keep on track. It will eventually come off.
After I finished writing last night I was so hungry and unfortunately in the kitchen when dinner was being served to everyone, and the smell did me no favours so I ended up have a piece of toast and a sausage then after that I thought fuck it I've just completely ruined the day even more so why not keep eating and then I had a piece of chocolate cake and some vanilla ice cream. I went straight down stairs and threw it all up.
As I said last night I was going to try and fast today.. which is why the title of this post if failure. I only made it till 2pm when I had my Snack a Jacks (108 calories), toast (80 calories) then 3 chocolate biscuits (370 calories) GRRR! I went and did my 100 laps in the pool to stop me eating anymore.
Why do I have to be such a fat pig with no willpower?! I used to be good, it used to be no effort at all to go 5-10 days fasting, I wish I was back there.
I actually have some followers YAY! Welcome. I am hoping that my first followers will keep me on track.
I promise I will be thin! I start tomorrow (again.. I think I say that to myself like everyday) but with you out there reading you will keep me strong. I can do this. I'm not going to try and fast again for awhile... clearly it didn't go well today. I'm just going to keep what I've been doing the last few weeks and keep on track. It will eventually come off.
Sunday, 8 April 2012
Happy Easter!
NOT
I have not stopped eating the entire day! I was so annoyed when I got on the scales this morning, I know I shouldn't have but just wanted a quick look and I have only lost .5 WTF?! That means to keep up with the last two weeks weight loss I would have to lose 1.7kg AT LEAST in three days. I was so upset I just started eating.
Breakfast I had 1 piece of toast and 5 small Easter eggs, which a small glass of orange juice
I then went for a huge two hour trek through the woods
Lunch another piece of toast and small glass of orange juice
Dinner my chicken wrap that I do, 2 small pieces of chocolate cake, with a few spoons of vanilla ice cream and 2 more small Easter eggs.
Oh and not to mention the half a normal sized Easter egg I had with some gooey shit in the middle that I couldn't finish.
I feel obese. Well I practically am already so now I feel even worse.
I'm going to try and fast all day tomorrow - it's the last day I can before I have to start working again. I've got to cut down on calories I can't keep pigging out like this or I'm never going to be thin.
My boss found a dress on the internet that she says would be great for me and then I could wear it to the engagement party.. only problem is it's 350 pounds! Yes I can afford it but the only reason I afford it is cause I don't spend my money on really fucking expensive clothes. I also just think it will look like shit on me anyway.
I would love to be my like boss (and all her rich friends) and be able to spend that much money without even noticing, like it just doesn't matter to her. We were walking through the airport before coming to Norway and walked past the window to Dior on the way to the lounge and I said 'oh I love that scarf it is so gorgeous' and kept walking... she however had stopped called me back to go in 455 pounds later she had a new scarf, no hesitation, no oh that's expensive.
Well I'm fat, poor and ugly no one is ever going to want me.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Bad Girl
Was very bad this evening! Was going great until my boss said she was making me some potatoes, as she was cooking for everyone else, for dinner which means I had to cook myself some chicken or I would look totally weird just having a few potatoes on a plate. It then went from bad to worse with M's Dad making a chocolate cake and serving me up a piece with fucking ice-cream! I was prepared for the potatoes and was luckily serving up which means I got to choose the tiniest ones which were like 1 bite each :) but then the cake as soon as he put it down in front of me I got up and filled my glass of water and knew it would have to come back up. Guzzled the water and refilled and went and ate the cake, it was sooo good! I thought as long as I'm going to throw it up I will just have another piece, so three pieces of cake later, a small bowl of ice-cream, 1/4 chicken breast and 4 tiny potatoes I'm in the bathroom getting rid of it all. Just to make sure I have just taken some laxatives.
So much for being good every day this week and seeing if I can loose a decent amount again. God I'm such a fucking failure!
In other news I did a completely crazy thing today. It's my sister engagement party in May and obviously me being in London and them all being back in Australia I wouldn't be able to go but with the encouragement of my boss who says I'm young it's my job to do crazy things like this I've booked a flight home for the weekend! Yes I am flying 26ish hours to spend two days at home and then fly all the way back! :/ So excited about surprising everyone, not about sitting up right for 26+ hours in economy, I'm trying to upgrade myself with my frequent flyer points but it says there are not seats available try closer to the time.
With 7 weeks until the party I really have to be good! I have to resist this left over chocolate cake tomorrow!
Spoke to my mum this morning. It really is amazing the different reactions you get to weight loss when people don't know your history. Over here it is oh well done, I wish I was strong like you, keep going etc etc. Told my mum this morning I had lost 2.2kg for this week she was like, you shouldn't be loosing weight that fast, what are you doing? are you eating? please don't be doing anything stupid, you should email your dr blah blah blah. I felt like saying I did email my dr she doesn't bloody reply.
Anywho very long post but with that I'm off to bed.
So much for being good every day this week and seeing if I can loose a decent amount again. God I'm such a fucking failure!
In other news I did a completely crazy thing today. It's my sister engagement party in May and obviously me being in London and them all being back in Australia I wouldn't be able to go but with the encouragement of my boss who says I'm young it's my job to do crazy things like this I've booked a flight home for the weekend! Yes I am flying 26ish hours to spend two days at home and then fly all the way back! :/ So excited about surprising everyone, not about sitting up right for 26+ hours in economy, I'm trying to upgrade myself with my frequent flyer points but it says there are not seats available try closer to the time.
With 7 weeks until the party I really have to be good! I have to resist this left over chocolate cake tomorrow!
Spoke to my mum this morning. It really is amazing the different reactions you get to weight loss when people don't know your history. Over here it is oh well done, I wish I was strong like you, keep going etc etc. Told my mum this morning I had lost 2.2kg for this week she was like, you shouldn't be loosing weight that fast, what are you doing? are you eating? please don't be doing anything stupid, you should email your dr blah blah blah. I felt like saying I did email my dr she doesn't bloody reply.
Anywho very long post but with that I'm off to bed.
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Happy Birthday to me!
Woke up this morning and felt really depressed, my birthday and all my family is across the other side of the world. Didn't have too much time to dwell on it though as had an early start at work and had to get my butt into gear.
For about 5 minutes this morning I was sooo happy. It was weigh day and I was an entire 2.5kg (5.5 pounds) I was beyond happy and excited. But then I went down as I remembered it's my birthday I'm going out to dinner, I'm having tea with my boss. I was so depressed about it I thought about cancelling everything but I couldn't how can I cancel tea with my boss when I'm already there? I am absolutely disgusted with myself started the day alright but then by mid afternoon I thought I'm already going to break tonight so why not just be a fat big and eat the two pieces of chocolate that are left ( from yesterday) then not only did I have a piece of cake with my boss I had 3 pieces of cake with my boss they were worth a good 225 calories (possibly more) each!!! FUCK ME! I then went out to dinner had a burger and fries and a cocktail. I feel like the fattest pig on earth. How on earth am I going to loose weight when I eat like that. I know all that I lost I have now put back on.
I'm just so disappointed with myself.
Also got this care parcel from my mum. easter eggs, red frogs, rusks, chocolate, biscuits what on earth am I going to do I feel too guilty to throw it all out she spent so much money on buying it and then posting it over. I've been looking about all the calories of it all so maybe if I have been good all week I can have on treat at the end of the week or something.
Really worried about how I'm going to go in Norway how am I not going to eat with people watching? The only plus side is they have an indoor swimming pool so can do laps every night.
Scored some good pressies. My mum got me, a few weeks ago when she was in London visiting, an Ipad for my birthday, I got a Cath Kidston travel bag and a beautiful smythson diary from my boss, I got 40 pounds (on an Australian laptop don't have the pound sign) worth of vouchers to Oliver Bonas from my room mates, $100 from 'grandma' I adopted her as my own but really the grandmother of the children I used to look after and the present from the kids I used to look after and my sisters are still on the way, so they say.
I've got a lot to be greatful for but all I feel like is a big fat ugly heffa.
For about 5 minutes this morning I was sooo happy. It was weigh day and I was an entire 2.5kg (5.5 pounds) I was beyond happy and excited. But then I went down as I remembered it's my birthday I'm going out to dinner, I'm having tea with my boss. I was so depressed about it I thought about cancelling everything but I couldn't how can I cancel tea with my boss when I'm already there? I am absolutely disgusted with myself started the day alright but then by mid afternoon I thought I'm already going to break tonight so why not just be a fat big and eat the two pieces of chocolate that are left ( from yesterday) then not only did I have a piece of cake with my boss I had 3 pieces of cake with my boss they were worth a good 225 calories (possibly more) each!!! FUCK ME! I then went out to dinner had a burger and fries and a cocktail. I feel like the fattest pig on earth. How on earth am I going to loose weight when I eat like that. I know all that I lost I have now put back on.
I'm just so disappointed with myself.
Also got this care parcel from my mum. easter eggs, red frogs, rusks, chocolate, biscuits what on earth am I going to do I feel too guilty to throw it all out she spent so much money on buying it and then posting it over. I've been looking about all the calories of it all so maybe if I have been good all week I can have on treat at the end of the week or something.
Really worried about how I'm going to go in Norway how am I not going to eat with people watching? The only plus side is they have an indoor swimming pool so can do laps every night.
Scored some good pressies. My mum got me, a few weeks ago when she was in London visiting, an Ipad for my birthday, I got a Cath Kidston travel bag and a beautiful smythson diary from my boss, I got 40 pounds (on an Australian laptop don't have the pound sign) worth of vouchers to Oliver Bonas from my room mates, $100 from 'grandma' I adopted her as my own but really the grandmother of the children I used to look after and the present from the kids I used to look after and my sisters are still on the way, so they say.
I've got a lot to be greatful for but all I feel like is a big fat ugly heffa.
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Yet another rubbish day....
I am such a fat fucking pig! It revolts me!
So everything was going along had my apple for breakfast and my snack a jacks for lunch, I also planned that since I was going to the gym I would have snack a jacks for dinner too instead of an apple in the hopes it would give me a bit more energy. But no, no I had to be a big fat big and have two bits of chocolate at work too! And I have just been searching everywhere online for the calorie content but don't know the name of them and it is really stressing me out!!!!
Did a class at the gym which I was feeling really good about before I want knowing that i was going to be doing it. But got there and I am just so disgustingly unfit. Honestly I nearly worked out! The entire time going through my head was I am so fat, the biggest one here, I bet they are all thinking how stupid I look and I should just go home and eat more crap as that all I do by the look of me.
I avoid mirrors at all costs but obviously in the gym it is mirror overload when doing class I just looked utterly pathetic, I wanted to cry... nearly did, but the thought of that making me look even more stupid stopped me.
I made it through the class, but could have done so much better.
You know you must look really said when even a homeless guy says to you 'cheer up darlin' which is what happened to me on the way home from the gym. haha. I was sooo down, didn't know it showed though.
Really, really, really stressing about dinner tomorrow night, and my boss said she would come home early so we could have tea FUCK! So tomorrow I'm going to be completely screwed! And it's weigh in day :(
So everything was going along had my apple for breakfast and my snack a jacks for lunch, I also planned that since I was going to the gym I would have snack a jacks for dinner too instead of an apple in the hopes it would give me a bit more energy. But no, no I had to be a big fat big and have two bits of chocolate at work too! And I have just been searching everywhere online for the calorie content but don't know the name of them and it is really stressing me out!!!!
Did a class at the gym which I was feeling really good about before I want knowing that i was going to be doing it. But got there and I am just so disgustingly unfit. Honestly I nearly worked out! The entire time going through my head was I am so fat, the biggest one here, I bet they are all thinking how stupid I look and I should just go home and eat more crap as that all I do by the look of me.
I avoid mirrors at all costs but obviously in the gym it is mirror overload when doing class I just looked utterly pathetic, I wanted to cry... nearly did, but the thought of that making me look even more stupid stopped me.
I made it through the class, but could have done so much better.
You know you must look really said when even a homeless guy says to you 'cheer up darlin' which is what happened to me on the way home from the gym. haha. I was sooo down, didn't know it showed though.
Really, really, really stressing about dinner tomorrow night, and my boss said she would come home early so we could have tea FUCK! So tomorrow I'm going to be completely screwed! And it's weigh in day :(
Breakfast: Small apple = 47 calories
Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories
Dinner: Snack a Jacks = 106 calories (different flavour)
Snacks: Orange juice = 20 calories
Chocolate = 240 ? calories
Total = 521 calories
ARHHHHHHHHHHH! That is so fucking rubbish! I still don't know what chocolate it was but have compared it to one of a similar size and put that down.
Hopefully tomorrow it will be a better day, actually scrap that it will be a worse day cause it's my birthday and I will have to eat so much.
Monday, 26 March 2012
79 calories in a lindt ball!!!
Alright so I just got home and looked up how many calories in a Lindt ball and fuck me! There are 79 calories! what a complete waste, what a stupid moment of weakness!
Was going quite good until that oh and the 2 random crackers I had cause I was so bloody starving.
Work went well, although I did no formal exercise today (was just soo tired didn't go to the gym) I did a lot of working with the baby I look after and a lot of crawling around.
Was going so well food wise until this afternoon when I was just so hungry and while at someone else's house preparing M's dinner I couldn't resist stealing two crackers out of their container. I wouldn't think it was more than 20 all up but still!
Was going quite good until that oh and the 2 random crackers I had cause I was so bloody starving.
Work went well, although I did no formal exercise today (was just soo tired didn't go to the gym) I did a lot of working with the baby I look after and a lot of crawling around.
Was going so well food wise until this afternoon when I was just so hungry and while at someone else's house preparing M's dinner I couldn't resist stealing two crackers out of their container. I wouldn't think it was more than 20 all up but still!
Breakfast: small apple= 47 calories
Lunch: Snack a Jacks= 108 calories
Dinner: small apple = 47 calories
Snacks: 2 x crackers = 20? calories
1x Lindt ball = 79 calories!!!
Rusks = 57 calories
Orange Juice = 40? calories
Total = 398 calories
Worried about Wednesday... first of all it's weigh in day and although my first week has gone alright it has been nowhere near perfect. Secondly it's my birthday and my flat mate is taking me out to dinner. just what I DON'T need! She didn't really like my attitude of I'm doing nothing, why bother. I've also got sitting on my text a big care parcel from my mum eeeekkk it's for birthday/easter and I know it is going to contain sooo much food. Will open it on Wednesday and just have to be strong.
Going to Norway for work at the end of the week, not looking foward to it as they are big on family meals blah! Which means they actually notice what I eat.
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