I'm off.

I'm not sure what the wifi situation is going to be like in Fiji so this will probably be my last blog for a couple of weeks. I've got everything crossed that I don't put on too much weight I'm so scared about it but just need to remember this holiday isn't about me so need to try and keep all my feelings to myself so I don't ruin it for everyone else.

Had the question of how old I was in comments. I'm 26. Very depressing 10 years on and I'm still trying to get rid of this fat that is my body. It's pathetic. I hate it.

'You have to stop losing weight'

There are only two days until we leave for Fiji, head of early Wednesday morning. I know it's bad cause it's my sisters wedding and all but I wish I didn't have to go. I'm so worried about all the food I'm going to have to eat and the exercise I won't be able to do.

We had L's hens night yesterday. It was really an all day thing, we started off in the morning with all the bridesmaids and mum going for a spa morning with facials, massages, nails etc then we came home and got ready and a stretch hummer picked us up and tooks us into the city for high tea then we all came back to party after with lots of cocktails and stripper and a big bungee run. The bungee run was so much fun.
I actually kept some sort of self control of my fat self at high tea and had 1 and a half finger sandwiches and half a mini cupcake but when I got back i started drinking some cocktails and eating the biscuits and dip, twice I disappeared to the bathroom to vomit and just couldn't handle it I couldn't keep it inside me. Then I took a handful of laxatives when i went to bed just to make sure.

The best bit about the party was people saying I was looking very thin. People saying I can't lose more weight that I must stop dieting after the wedding. Yah right. I know they were all just talking crap but it still gave me a bit of a high to hear. I was just like oh yah I'm not losing more weight I was just getting fit for the wedding blah blah blah. Trying to give off the healthy/not crazy persona while thinking in my head I've barely started I've got so much more fat to get rid of.

I saw my shrink on Friday she wants me to start on medication again straight away, a different one this time. I'm supposed to email her Monday to tell her how I'm going on it but I haven't started taking it yet.

Beautiful!

 

 

In desperate need of some thinspiration.

A girl can only dream....

 

 

The Biggest Loser

A new season of The Biggest Loser as just started here so I have programmed to tape it every night and use it as my motivation and I really need some!

After having 0 calories yesterday (YAY) I woke up this morning feeling like I wouldn't be able to cope on the 150 I was allowed today so swapped my 150 day for a 350 day later in the week which means my total for today was 326. After a day of fasting it sounds like so much. I did my 10km walk and not much else. I've lost hardly anything this week, it's freaky me out.

I emailed Val today, my psychiatrist's receptionists, she is lovely. So yah have made an appointment it was for Monday 15th April but then she emailed back and said that the doc is out of the office that day but has offered to come in the Friday before, which is now happening but I feel awful cause she doesn't work on Fridays so now I feel bad she is going into the office to see me. I did say that I would wait until the end of April (when I get back from Fiji) but they said Friday was good so now that's what is happening. Hopefully I will weigh a lot less than I do now by then.

I started my iron and B12 tablets today, not really to be healthy but hopefully they will give me more energy so I can get back to the gym and not just do my walks.

The new GP

So saw the new GP this morning, I like her a lot, she seems lovely and very friendly. I gave her my history she seemed concerned that things were coming back I tried to explain that my thoughts/thinking never actually changed but she still seemed concerned. Was weighed and not allowed to look god that hasn't happened in so long!
I got my referral this is what she wrote:

Thank you for seeing ..... , age 25 years, for your opinion and management. On her return from the UK she has had an exacerbation of her eating disorder symptoms, and her mood is becoming lower. She has had thoughts of cutting, and has started purging again. I have started her back on her Pristiq while waiting to see you. Her obs are stable at present and she has no suicidal thoughts.

geez!

So yah sposed to start back on medication, not sure if I will though. I mean seriously I was on medication for years and as I said my thoughts never changed, sure I could function go to work etc but i still had them they just didn't completely take over my life anymore.
She wants me to go back again next week to discuss blood results, I told her I thought they would be normal (which they will be) cause I've been eating like a fat fucking pig for so long they would have to be.

In other news I had a decent day with calories. 226 total probably actually a bit less cause I rounded a few things up. Didn't go to the gym just couldn't be bothered today but did walk around the shopping centre for about 4 hours carrying a baby.

Gained.

So as I thought I RUINED the entire week for this weigh in I gained a disgusting 1.4kg. I knew it was going to happen, just hoped that it wouldn't be so much.
I did want to start the ABC diet today but ofcourse my fat self ruined it already. I was on track until about 7pm tonight when I hate a few hundred calories more than I should. So I'm between 500 and 1000 which is just way to high. Will try again tomorrow. I know I can do this, it is all just a matter of getting past that first day.
I did an hour of cardio at the gym today. Also getting a bit of exercise digging a hole in the backyard. My beautiful puppy (not quite a puppy 10 years old) has cancer and isn't well at all so the Vet has said we should put her to sleep. It is happening Monday. I hate it, but don't want her in pain.

I've got a drs appointment tomorrow, just the GP. I've apparently got eczma (spelling?) in my ears so they get super annoyingly itchy and have found myself a new GP to try and get this shit sorted out. Thought I would also get a referral to my shrink, I haven't been in that long that I need one. I just hate going through the hole medical history bit with new drs does my head in. I need to get a letter that I am healthy to work (just a standard thing that nanny agencies like to have) so can't really walk in there and give her my life story and say yah I think I'm going crazy so refer me to my shrink please oh and by the way I need a letter to say I can look after children :/

Anxiety

I had the worst anxiety last night! My sister had a house warnming dinner (just for family) and I went in planning to count my points and not break my diet but it didn't happen. I ate, and then knowing if I stopped eating straight away I wouldn't be able to throw up cause we wouldn't leave straight away I kept on eating! From the moment I stopped ( i kept drinking sprite zero) my anxiet level went through the roof I was practically climbing the walls, I nearly started crying! I didn't have my car with me so had to wait until mum and dad wanted to leave it was awful! I haven't felt that way in such a long time! So we finally got home and I went straight in and threw up but you never bring EVERYTHING up. It's my weigh in tomorrow with WW and I'm totally freaked out! I know I've ruined! Ruined it for one fcking meal! How could I be so, so stupid?!? As well as throwing up I downed some laxatives so I'm hoping to have at the very least stayed the same. I hope I haven't gained!

I'm back on track today, but that isn't going to make a difference.

Psychiatrists

I know I should really see my shrink. I've been feeling bad, not leaving the house and the cutting as well but I just can't be bothered. I mean she hasn't changed my thinking in nearly 10 years so what's the point of seeing her?

I'm not sure if it is just my shrink or they all do it but whenever she suggests something like CBT it's about sending me to someone else, nutritionist send me to someone else it's like she doesn't want to do anything and I wonder if they are all like this or it is just mine? Is it because they aren't qualified to do it I know nutrionist is different but can't they do pretty much everything else? Or is it really just medication that they can give you?

I know I need to see her but I won't, not while I'm this fat.

How to ruin a day, without fail.

So how do you make sure you have completely ruined your entire day by 6am? You weigh yourself.
It was one of those ones where I shouldn't be weighing cause I try to only weigh myself on a Wednesday or I get to obsessed about it, but I needed to see how much damage I had done. And boy have I done a lot, in less than a week too. I was hoping and praying that it wouldn't be much and sort of convincing myself that it can't be bad, I was dead wrong! I won't tell you how much I've gained.. I will save that for my official weigh in on Wednesday no doubt my fat self will gain even more by then.

I hate myself.

I'm sorry I'm so fat.

We meet again

Here you are again my friend,

I've missed you.

But I knew, as did you, that you would return to me,

you always do.

Here you are on your hands,

kneeling before me, I am your master.

I see you looking down at your fat,

your fat thighs, your fat stomach,

your rolls upon rolls of flesh.

It makes you want to cry,

and you sit there blubbering away.

It's OK I croon,

your fingers can fix this.

If you had control and power you wouldn't be here with me,

if you didn't break our unwritten law,

I would not have called for you.

YOU ate it, you disgust me,

And you wonder why you're too fat for words.

I don't.

Finally good day.

So restarted the ABC diet today, after my massive failure yesterday :/ and went really well. So was my 500 calorie day and had 454, plus I walked to work so really my net (which I don't count in AT ALL) is 104 so not too shabby at all. Didn't quite make it the entire way to work, only 1.5 hrs, I must have been walking slower than usual cause I only had 30 mins left for a 35 - 40 minute walk so hopped a bus most of the way then walked again at the end which got me there on time.

Two of the children we went for play dates last week have come out in chicken pox... is it bad that I am hoping M gets it so we don't have to fly? lol.

Today's success has really put me in a good mind for tomorrow. Just need to do the same cause it's a 500 day again.

Not looking forward to weigh in on Wednesday morning, I know I've gained I've been awful this week.

Nearly the weekend :)

Thank goodness it is nearly the weekend! I'm over it!

I'm so disappointed in myself today I had about 463 calories, I feel like such a fat pig, it's double what I had the two days before! I woke up just feeling like crap, just sick and light headed and I felt I needed food. I had a piece of toast and orange juice instead of just my small apple then I had some cupcake, I just really felt like I needed sugar. Felt marginally better but not much so maybe I didn't need food after all.

cut :(

I was just feeling like crap today and I ended up cutting, not bad at all, but still did it, twice actually. I can't remember the when the last time was I have in the last year but definitely not in the last 6 months... well there goes that.

I just don't fucking see the point at the moment. I'm a fat, ugly, disgusting pig and I don't have the willpower to change it. No one is ever going to like me so what's the point anyway?

PIG.

I have eaten like a complete fucking pig today. I would have just gone over 1000 calories I think.Walked to walk but even with that 2 hrs exercise I ate WAY too much.

My boss is getting into a very annoying habit of giving me food lectures. It drives me nuts, I do wish I could just yell at her to shut up but of course being my boss I can't. She bought home a huge chocolate chip biscuit one for me one for her, she knows I'm trying to be good yet brings it home anyway. GRRR!

I'm so desperate to weigh myself but my flatmates are home and I don't want them to think I'm weird weighing myself randomly at night, as I have to weigh myself in the kitchen cause that is the only place that doesn't have carpet... stupid London houses.
I also don't want to weigh myself, cause although I haven't been perfect I've been fairly decent since Wednesday and if I've stayed or gone up I think I would just want to shoot myself in the head.

Am meeting someone new tomorrow (part of my being more social for my 100 day challenge). I don't know about everyone else but when I meet someone new it might be for coffee or a drink or as most of them are other nannies meet up with the children we look after but this girl wants to meet up mid afternoon walk around the shops for awhile and then go for drink and then go for dinner. WTF? I don't want to spend that much time with someone I've just met... my flatmate met her last week, said she was a bit weird too. :/

Going to try and be good even though I'm going out I'm going to try and only have an apple till dinner and then hoping they have soup or something. Fingers crossed.


YAY for the weekend can't wait to rest my sort feet.

Bad Girl

Was very bad this evening! Was going great until my boss said she was making me some potatoes, as she was cooking for everyone else, for dinner which means I had to cook myself some chicken or I would look totally weird just having a few potatoes on a plate. It then went from bad to worse with M's Dad making a chocolate cake and serving me up a piece with fucking ice-cream! I was prepared for the potatoes and was luckily serving up which means I got to choose the tiniest ones which were like 1 bite each :) but then the cake as soon as he put it down in front of me I got up and filled my glass of water and knew it would have to come back up. Guzzled the water and refilled and went and ate the cake, it was sooo good! I thought as long as I'm going to throw it up I will just have another piece, so three pieces of cake later, a small bowl of ice-cream, 1/4 chicken breast and 4 tiny potatoes I'm in the bathroom getting rid of it all. Just to make sure I have just taken some laxatives.

So much for being good every day this week and seeing if I can loose a decent amount again. God I'm such a fucking failure!

In other news I did a completely crazy thing today. It's my sister engagement party in May and obviously me being in London and them all being back in Australia I wouldn't be able to go but with the encouragement of my boss who says I'm young it's my job to do crazy things like this I've booked a flight home for the weekend! Yes I am flying 26ish hours to spend two days at home and then fly all the way back! :/  So excited about surprising everyone, not about sitting up right for 26+ hours in economy, I'm trying to upgrade myself with my frequent flyer points but it says there are not seats available try closer to the time.

With 7 weeks until the party I really have to be good! I have to resist this left over chocolate cake tomorrow!

Spoke to my mum this morning. It really is amazing the different reactions you get to weight loss when people don't know your history. Over here it is oh well done, I wish I was strong like you, keep going etc etc. Told my mum this morning I had lost 2.2kg for this week she was like, you shouldn't be loosing weight that fast, what are you doing? are you eating? please don't be doing anything stupid, you should email your dr blah blah blah. I felt like saying I did email my dr she doesn't bloody reply.

Anywho very long post but with that I'm off to bed.

Freaking out about weigh in.

I'm so worried about weighing myself, I know it isn't for another 3.5 days but I'm freaking out! I used to be on the scales every day, more like 2-4 times a day just checking the damage I had done, calming down when I hadn't gained. But now I just get so scared to get on, I know the number will have gone up this week. I've been terrible. I hate it.

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Chicken wrap (1/4 - 1/2 chicken breast depending how good or bad I've been for the day, some onion, a squirt of BBQ sauce on a white tortilla wrap) = 250 calories

Snacks: Rusks = 57 calories

3x strawberry lollies = 28.5

Total = 523.50 calories

How am I ever going to loose weight eating like that? I hate it. 

On the plus side I wasn't such a lazy cow today. Went for about a 40 minute walk had some hills and for half of it was carrying my charge on my back who is 12kg. Also did 100 laps in the pool, which doesn't really count as 100 cause the pool is not huge but some exercise is better than the none I did yesterday.

I was supposed to email my shrink a few weeks ago. Keep on putting it off, don't know what to tell her, I'm trying hard to loose weight but am still a big fat pig so nothing to worry about?!?!