Distracting myself

I'm posting early tonight to try and stop myself putting anything else into my fat disgusting mouth, I'm hoping if I post my intake for the day I will feel too embarrassed to have to come back and change it so won't eat anything else :) I lost control with a box of Jatz biscuits so it is higher than what I wanted but a step back in the right direction and tomorrow will be better.

Breakfast:  Grapes - 62
Lunch: Chicken Wrap - 128
Dinner: Pumpkin Soup - 108
Snacks: Jelly (16), Minties (75), Potato Stix (48), Jatz Biscuits (176) - 316

Total: 614 calories disgusting but will improve tomorrow!

I don't generally work in net amounts but I'm getting a bit desperate with 3 weeks to go until I have to look half decent in a bridesmaid's dress so I want to make sure I work off everything I eat for the next few weeks at least.

My sister gave me a new good heart rate monitor for my birthday last week which tells me exactly how many calories I'm burning :)! Exercise for today was 10km (was more 11 or 12 as I did extra at the end) walk/run which burnt 787 then swimming which burnt 327 to total 1114 burnt.

Net intake: - 500

That's not too shabby, I aim to do better tomorrow which is doable if I stay away from the jatz biscuits. Figners crossed the the rain stops for tomorrow so I can get my run in!

Update weight tomorrow

I've decided not to say what I lost today :) but thought I would do it Friday cause that is when I started the ABC so it will be one week on that diet and will be good to see how much I lose.

I'm a bit worried about seeing the GP tomorrow. I just feel like such a fraud and that I am wasting her time. She'll ask me how I'm going on the medication - I'll tell her I haven't started it. She'll ask when my appointment is with my shrink - I'll tell her i haven't even phoned up to book yet. She'll ask how my eating is going - I'll tell her amazing but she won't agree.
I  wonder what my blood tests have revealed, probably nothing cause I' have been eating like a fat pig for soo long now that everything will be normal.

Calories today stand at 200 exactly and a 10km walk I don't think my weight will change much if anything for tomorrow which makes me want to cry.

Oh well we'll see how we go.

Not sure how much

I'm not exactly sure how many calories I've had today and it is driving me a little bit insane! I was sitting on 220 when I went to work tonight, but then I made brownies with the kids and had a few bites of that and then also had a few bites of pie that one of the kids didn't finish. So I'm going to say add on another 200 so thats 440 for todays total. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be anywhere near that much but would rather overestimate then under estimate. I've taken some laxatives just incase though.

Went to the gym and got an hour of cardio in. I'm really annoyed with myself cause I just can't get my running past 20 minutes lately. Infact today I only did 15 before I moved on to something else. A couple of weeks ago I was doing 40 mins! A personal best and now I just can't do it anymore  grrrr!

I cut last night, not badly but still did it. Doesn't make me feel as good as it used to do but it still does some what.

I've been reading this blog for hours today Too much, Not Enough http://bellaanorexia.blogspot.com.au/2012_08_01_archive.html
I'm absolutely loving it!

Reach your potential.

My boss told me tonight (M's Dad) that if was very beautiful and that if I only ate properly and did some more exercise that I could look really good. That I've got potential and I can be really beautiful. Was a bit more of a blow when M's mother agreed. Just a few kgs.

I know it's true and I say it to myself all the time..well not the I'm beautiful part lol. Just hate hearing it from people, like I know that's whAt people think I'm a fat heffa.

That's what I'm going to do. Reach my potential.

Ruined it.

Well surprise, surprise, I ruined it! I can't do anything right. But I will be starting the ABC diet tomorrow AND sticking to it. Went to the shops and got lots of different low calories foods so I am all set. I have also written it in my thinspiration book so I can't not do it cause then I would have ruined the entire book.

It sort of works out a bit better this way to. On the day I will be flying it will be about a 400 cal day (can't quite remember) which means I can eat something on the plane and then fast the next day where I can say I feel a bit ill or not that hungry and then the next day I fly out so even if she says something it will only be for one day. I come back for the weekend and have to get through 5 days with out too many questions before I fly back again. So hopefully it will work.. I just need to get my fat ass into gear and have some willpower.

I'm working to work again this week. Hopefully will help me stick to the diet even more. Everybody I tell that I'm working to work, which takes 2 hours, says I'm absolutely crazy and to stop doing it. Not my boss though she thinks it's good and when I don't do it says I should be. I wonder if she just doesn't want to employ my fat ass and wants me to lose weight.

beef downfall

So another day ruined by a fucking burger. I was acting all normal with my friend saying 'oh yah I love burgers, who doesn't' thinking she had to be home in a few minutes but then she took me to get a burger for lunch couldn't then turn around and say I hate them. sheesh. On the way home I was wanting to vomit but I said no I'll be good and won't do it but then I remembered it was weigh in tomorrow morning and thought FUCK. I didn't got much up, as I hadn't been planning to do it I wasn't drinking loads for the meal but anything is better than nothing.

My calories for today is approx. 1004 but am hoping it wasn't really that much since the burger place we went to wasn't a chain it isn't in MyFitness Pal so had to guess what it would be close to (went for a high option to be on the safe side) and I also threw some of it up!

Went to aqua class at the gym. All I could think about was how fat and ugly I am, my board shorts were tight they generally aren't even when I have put on a bit of weight so I must have put on sooo much for them to be as tight as they are which just lead me into a downward spiral honestly I nearly started crying right there in the pool. I'm not looking forward to weigh in tomorrow as I think I must weight A LOT more than I think I do!!!

fuck, fuck FUCK!

I was sitting on 475 until just THEN when my room mate called me out she had just made some cupcakes and had saved me one. I had to eat it, she was watching me, it tasted soo good. But now I feel like crap another day ruined!

Who am I kidding with hoping to have lost weight this week, it isn't possible to lose weight with the amount of crap I have been eating. All I can really hope for is that I haven't gained.

It's a long weekend this weekend plus my boss is also giving me Friday YAY so I'm contemplating a fast....

58 cals over

AHHHHHHHHHH!
I am so annoyed with myself, I mis-calculated my soup today and thinking I was doing really well and was under my 600 goal I am actually 58 calories OVER! I was really hoping to start my 2 week with a max of 600 today but with this mistake will have to start tomorrow yet another day further away from my goal :(

Walked to work again today, only took an hour and 54mins today YAY getting faster.

How can I be over work for the week when it's only Monday?

Blah

No post yesterday.. why? Cause I'm just a big fat lazy pig.

Met a few girls, the hope of just having soup for dinner went completely out the window.

Was doing really well today until about an hour ago and I had some chocolate which took my lovely total of 506 calories right up to 1000. I'm such a failure.

Tomorrow I am walking to work again YAY. At least one thing is going well. It is sposed to be really cold tomorrow, hopefully I'll burn a few extra calories.
I'm going to start my goal of 2 weeks on a maximum of 600 calories tomorrow too, I want to be strong enough to do it I've been such a fat pig lately.

Already sore

Got up at 5am this morning to walk to work. It was really weird as I was having dreams that I didn't do it and decided to sleep but I was sort of half away as well like I was trying to talk myself out of it, but I DID IT!
2 hrs later and I arrived at work. Can't wait to do it again tomorrow, also a bit excited that I get a sleep in as my boss has given me the morning off YAY!

Food has been rubbish today, honestly the amount I am eating I will be obese fairly soon, it's fucking ridiculous!

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Pasta = 342 calories

Snacks: OJ = 118 calories

Mini Pita Breads = 225 calories

Total = 873 calories

FUCK IT!!! That is terrible. I was going so well until I was sooo hungry in the afternoon and ate about 5 mini pita breads and then had some pasta for dinner. I will try and be stonger tomorrow.. should be easy as there are no more pita breads left and I didn't enjoy the past at all so that scraps :)

Just need to get my eating under control. 

My Fitness Pal reckons I burnt 463 calories for my 2 hour walk. Don't really believe that though. If it were true it would make my day not THAT bad, bad but not terrible.

Off to bed, hopefully I'll sleep, haven't been lately I just lay there for hours and hours trying to get to sleep. I hate it!

Damn Eggs

I hate 2 Easter Eggs today, yes they were really small but still shouldn't of had them. GRRR!

I have absolutely no energy to write tonight. 

Breakfast: apple 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks 108 calories

Dinner: Toast 90 calories

Snacks: 2 easter eggs 200 calories. 

I'm going with 200, 100 cals each but I think they were only worth about half that they were only small, just want to be on the safe side though.

Total = 478 calories

Went for a long trek through the woods for 1 hour and 40 minutes... was aiming to walk for 2hrs but the track I was going on was still quite icey so had to turn around and come back.

Also did my 100 laps in the pool. 

All in all not a hugely bad day. Could have been heaps better without the eggs, I hope everyone else finishes them at dinner tonight.

Such a rubbish post, but I just can't be bothered!

Stupid fat cow!!!

They are the only words to describe myself at the moment. All day I was resisting that stupid chocolate cake, but did  I have the willpower to do it until I went to be tonight noooooooooo! I feel so disgusting, I can already feel myself growing. I've GOT to stop!
I do this all the time, I want to reach a goal like being good and loosing as much weight as possible for the 7 weeks until I fly home and then I just can't do it. But I've got to! I can't be this fat. I just can't. I hate every minute of it.

I wonder if there are people in the world that really and truly like the way they look. Surely there are. I can't imagine it ever happening to me though. I have supposedly been 'recovered' for like 8 years, yes my body is a complete fat blob but I have never changed my thinking from when I was being put into hospital again and again. I have always thought I was a fat ugly cow, always cried when I looked in the mirror (now I just avoid looking at them), I always want to lose weight and seem to be starting a new diet... the only thing that has changed is my weight, I haven't got to that supposedly dangerously low weight again in 8 years and it makes me feel revolting and awful.

It will be different this time, I know it will. I will be thin and I will like what I see. I just need to lose this fat that I have engulfing my body wanting me to drown.

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: well not dinner cause I'm too fucking fat to wait that long but I'm not eating for the rest of the day so I'm putting it as dinner. Toast, slice of chocolate cake and bowl of chocolate icecream = TO FUCKING MANY CALORIES TO COUNT

Total: Probably a good 1000 calories (god I pray it isn't anymore!)

How am I ever going to lose weight if I eat like this? Why can't I just be strong? I promise I will be good tomorrow!

Hate people that don't reply!

One of my major pet hates is people who don't reply to emails. It is so annoying and messes with my head, even more so when it's my shrink! WTF? She asked me to email her in 4 weeks the last time I saw her 7 weeks later I finally emailed her and does she reply??? Noooo.

On to better news I had my weigh in this morning :) 2.2kg this week ( 4.8 pounds), not as much as last week but I'm still quite pleased with it. I'm just hoping I can do it again for this week that would be amazing! I should be able to considering I lost that and wasn't good every day had 2 very bad days, involving a lot of birthday cake, and 2 average days so surely being good the entire week I should be able to lose the same again if not more? Please, please, please let me lose the same again!

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Toast with a few bits of chicken = 300? calories (that's a stretch hope it was A LOT less!)

Total = 488 calories

Was also good and did my 100 laps in the pool. Still not walk as M is still sick and his mum won't let me take him out of the house for a walk. But soon bring on 4 days of over Easter where I can go for big long walks on my own and sleep in and not have to eat breakfast, brilliant!

Yet another rubbish day....

I am such a fat fucking pig! It revolts me!

So everything was going along had my apple for breakfast and my snack a jacks for lunch, I also planned that since I was going to the gym I would have snack a jacks for dinner too instead of an apple in the hopes it would give me a bit more energy. But no, no I had to be a big fat big and have two bits of chocolate at work too! And I have just been searching everywhere online for the calorie content but don't know the name of them and it is really stressing me out!!!!

Did a class at the gym which I was feeling really good about before I want knowing that i was going to be doing it. But got there and I am just so disgustingly unfit. Honestly I nearly worked out! The entire time going through my head was I am so fat, the biggest one here, I bet they are all thinking how stupid I look and I should just go home and eat more crap as that all I do by the look of me.
I avoid mirrors at all costs but obviously in the gym it is mirror overload when doing class I just looked utterly pathetic, I wanted to cry... nearly did, but the thought of that making me look even more stupid stopped me.
I made it through the class, but could have done so much better.

You know you must look really said when even a homeless guy says to you 'cheer up darlin' which is what happened to me on the way home from the gym. haha. I was sooo down, didn't know it showed though.

Really, really, really stressing about dinner tomorrow night, and my boss said she would come home early so we could have tea FUCK! So tomorrow I'm going to be completely screwed! And it's weigh in day :(

Breakfast: Small apple = 47 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Snack a Jacks = 106 calories (different flavour)

Snacks: Orange juice = 20 calories

Chocolate = 240 ? calories

Total = 521 calories

ARHHHHHHHHHHH! That is so fucking rubbish! I still don't know what chocolate it was but have compared it to one of a similar size and put that down.

Hopefully tomorrow it will be a better day, actually scrap that it will be a worse day cause it's my birthday and I will have to eat so much.

Calories, calories, calories

I never used to count calories, infact never gave them a thought. Last time I was 'sick' I  ate what I wanted to, then I would just not eat for a few days, have a meal that I wanted to then not eat for a few days... calories didn't really matter to me. But today I spent a good 30 mins in the supermarket picking things up and putting them back cause they had wayyyy to many calories and  would feel bad and that I had failed if I ate them.

Did alright today, again not a perfect day but could have been worse.

Breakfast: small apple = 47 calories

Lunch: 1 can of sprite zero and Snack a Jacks = 109 calories

Dinner: Can of chicken soup = 139 calories

Snacks: 1 minty = 24 calories
chocolate saltanas = 162 calories

Total = 481

So sort of ruined it with the chocolate saltanas but on the plus side they are now all gone so won't be tempted anymore :) . 

Went for a nice long walk for an hour, maybe just over.

Bit worried about going back to work tomorrow after a nice long weekend but hopefully I will stay strong.