Gained :(

So as expected I had gained on Wednesdays weigh in. 1.1kg fuck I was mortified, still am. I do think my scales are broken though cause this morning 2 days later I was down again -.4 more! Which I am not really happy with cause I know it just isn't true. The last three nights I have been eating soo much (at least 700 cals) but luckily throwing it all up. So the scales probably only read that cause I may be dehydrated or something.

I've been so exhausted lately. Literally in bed by 9:30! I'm like a grandma.

I have got to be down by next Wednesday, I mean properly down not this pretend down that is happening today. I can be fairly good tomorrow, have got a lunch on Sunday GRRRR! But then Monday Tuesday I plan to be perfect days, hoping I have the willpower.

beef downfall

So another day ruined by a fucking burger. I was acting all normal with my friend saying 'oh yah I love burgers, who doesn't' thinking she had to be home in a few minutes but then she took me to get a burger for lunch couldn't then turn around and say I hate them. sheesh. On the way home I was wanting to vomit but I said no I'll be good and won't do it but then I remembered it was weigh in tomorrow morning and thought FUCK. I didn't got much up, as I hadn't been planning to do it I wasn't drinking loads for the meal but anything is better than nothing.

My calories for today is approx. 1004 but am hoping it wasn't really that much since the burger place we went to wasn't a chain it isn't in MyFitness Pal so had to guess what it would be close to (went for a high option to be on the safe side) and I also threw some of it up!

Went to aqua class at the gym. All I could think about was how fat and ugly I am, my board shorts were tight they generally aren't even when I have put on a bit of weight so I must have put on sooo much for them to be as tight as they are which just lead me into a downward spiral honestly I nearly started crying right there in the pool. I'm not looking forward to weigh in tomorrow as I think I must weight A LOT more than I think I do!!!

31 Days Left

I counted up the days remaining on my 100 day challenge and I have 31 days left. I don't think I will be able to lose the 10kg that is my goal for the challenge but surely I will be able to lose SOMETHING! I start my diet for this 31 days tomorrow starting with walking to work again, not sure for how long I did 2 weeks last time so would like to do that again maybe some more??? Just walking to work the first week with the second possibly going to the gym or walking home too. I would rather walk home as well but I feel terrible paying 78 pounds a month for a gym membership and never going.

Apart from walking to work another thing starting tomorrow is I am giving up chocolate, AGAIN! I just had the worst chocolate binge I hate to think how many calories I consumed, at least I had only had popcorn today, but yes giving up chocolate for the last 31 days. So the next time I am allowed to eat it is on the 25th July. I can totally do this.

On this side of my holiday it is nearly time to make a decision re moving home or staying in London. I think at the moment I am leaning towards moving home. I just don't know. I was talking about it with my sister when she was over and she asked me where I was happiest. I said happy is quite a strong word. I'm not really happier in either place they are both the same they are both just places where I live, I wake up go to work and then come home from work. Yes I have a few more 'friends' in London but if I moved home I would hope I could make some sort of effort and make some friends there too. The main thing remains that I would regret not being there for my niece/nephews birth and helping out in the first few months. I would be over here hearing stories and hating that I am not there and enjoying the baby too. Then I have my sisters wedding which she doesn't need help planning but again I would hate to miss out on it and would be over here jealous as knowing they are all planning it together and having fun without me.

Cupcakes are a comin'

Totally freaking out that I won't have the willpower at my charges first birthday party tomorrow that I need.

Baked lots of cupcakes today, and apart from licking my fingers and tasting 1 without icing to make sure they were cooked I didn't do too bad. Put bowls and spoons straight into the sink and ran water on them to stop me from eating all the cake mix on the sides YUM!

Walked to work. Got completely rained on. Last one tomorrow morning then back to the gym instead, my entire body is aching!

Total calories for today 590.

Three days on less than 600 calories GO ME! Just hope I can keep it up. Am going out to dinner with my room mate on Sunday night... eeek. Will have to see where we are going and suss out the menu online to see what has the lowest calories.

Boring Posts

I know my posts are getting boring but I really just don't have much to say at the moment, well that's not quite true I have lots of stuff going through my head that I could write but I'm just soo tired when I get home from work I can't be bothered.

Weigh in tomorrow eeeek. This is the first week in ages that I haven't snuck on the scales mid week to see how things are going. I hate that because I will be all set for a big loss and then when that doesn't happen I will be disappointed... it always happens like that!

Had a good day of eating today, finally I hear you say :) total was 274! Plus did my big walk to work this morning.

Very worried about Friday it's my charges birthday and I am making lots of chocolate and vanilla cupcakes but my boss came home today with lots of cakes too, chocolate ones from M&S it is going to be so hard to resist but I really want to because by Friday (working on if I'm actually good till then) it will be my 4th day on 600 cals or less so if I break it then I will have to start my 2 weeks all over again.

Off to bed.

58 cals over

AHHHHHHHHHH!
I am so annoyed with myself, I mis-calculated my soup today and thinking I was doing really well and was under my 600 goal I am actually 58 calories OVER! I was really hoping to start my 2 week with a max of 600 today but with this mistake will have to start tomorrow yet another day further away from my goal :(

Walked to work again today, only took an hour and 54mins today YAY getting faster.

How can I be over work for the week when it's only Monday?

PIG.

I have eaten like a complete fucking pig today. I would have just gone over 1000 calories I think.Walked to walk but even with that 2 hrs exercise I ate WAY too much.

My boss is getting into a very annoying habit of giving me food lectures. It drives me nuts, I do wish I could just yell at her to shut up but of course being my boss I can't. She bought home a huge chocolate chip biscuit one for me one for her, she knows I'm trying to be good yet brings it home anyway. GRRR!

I'm so desperate to weigh myself but my flatmates are home and I don't want them to think I'm weird weighing myself randomly at night, as I have to weigh myself in the kitchen cause that is the only place that doesn't have carpet... stupid London houses.
I also don't want to weigh myself, cause although I haven't been perfect I've been fairly decent since Wednesday and if I've stayed or gone up I think I would just want to shoot myself in the head.

Am meeting someone new tomorrow (part of my being more social for my 100 day challenge). I don't know about everyone else but when I meet someone new it might be for coffee or a drink or as most of them are other nannies meet up with the children we look after but this girl wants to meet up mid afternoon walk around the shops for awhile and then go for drink and then go for dinner. WTF? I don't want to spend that much time with someone I've just met... my flatmate met her last week, said she was a bit weird too. :/

Going to try and be good even though I'm going out I'm going to try and only have an apple till dinner and then hoping they have soup or something. Fingers crossed.


YAY for the weekend can't wait to rest my sort feet.

Gained again :(

WTF?!?!
How can I have gained 1.8kg in 1 week? How does that happen? How does ANYONE gain that much in 1 week. My only thought is maybe I didn't gain THAT much, I know I gained but maybe since I'm back on my London scales and not the ones in Norway?? PLEASE LET THAT BE IT!!

Finally had a decent day eating wise.
Also walked to work again so that's another 2 hours of exercise my feet are sore I've got some huge blisters happening.

Breakfast: Apple = 72 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks 108 calories

Dinner: Chicken Soup = 204 calories

Snacks: A few bites of M's french toast = 25 calories

1/2 Mini Pita Bread = 23 calories

OJ = 27 calories

Total = 459 calories

I found what really helped today is going out and buying a few cans of soup to have this week. Normally I say to myself I will do breakfast and lunch and try not to eat again or I will have an apple that clearly wasn't working for me cause I would just eat everything in site. But knowing that I had a bowl of soup coming at dinner time really helped me not eat in the late afternoon and then not eat now that I am home cause I know I've had dinner.

Fingers crossed for a day like this tomorrow!

Got to get my shit sorted!

Just a short post tonight as I'm sooo tired.
Couldn't walk to work this morning as it was pissing down so walked home instead. :) Took me 1hr 52mins so I'm getting fast already YAY. My legs hurt so much though.

Had yet another terrible eating day I don't know what the hell is going on. I had about 992.5 calories. FUCK!

It's weigh in tomorrow I'm not looking foward to it, I know I've gained, I've been eating everything in sight since I gained last weigh in... not really the way to go.

I hate being fat.

I just need to be good for a few days running and then I get my momentum back, I'm going to try so hard to stay on track tomorrow!

100 Days

Ok. I would like to thank Skinny Student for the idea as she is my inspiration for this and hopefully her progress with also push me to stick to things too!

I'm back in London and my 100 day challenge begins. It officially finishes on  23rd July but that's a Monday and since I weigh in on a Wednesday I am going to finish it on the 25th July. The main goal is to lose weight but as I said in a previous post I have other things (I've written a list) that I want to do within that 100 days as well.
"Skinny Student" has put 45lbs as her weight loss in the 100 days I am not putting anything near that as much as I very very much wish I could lose that much I don't think I can in 100 days, and in my current frame of mind I'm just not strong enough to do it. I have been VERY realistic with my goals as I don't think I can handle to not reach them at the moment.

My main number 1 goal is to lose 10kg (22lbs) in the 15 weeks. This is very doable, technically more is doable but for 3 of the 15 weeks I assume I won't lose anything (might even put on) as I will be in the presence of my sister :/ so that is why I haven't put a huge weight loss goal down.

The following are my goals, in no particular order, would just like to do them all in the 100 days, some I have already planned but since I am terrible at cancelling anything social that involves me going out I have kept them as goals. I thought I would keep my blog going as normal but maybe every 20 days I would write this same list and cross anything off that I've done.

• Lose 10kg (22lbs)
• Walk to work for 2 weeks
• Do my Couch to 5k app and get past half way this time (although hopefully more)
• Sort out part 1 of my sisters engagement present
• Keep to a max. of 600 calories a day for 2 weeks (again would hope to go longer but 2 weeks is my official goal)
• Fly home for engagement party AND keep it a secret
• Go to the Harry Potter Studio Tour
• Buy dress for engagement party
• Work out how to do other pages/tabs for blog
• Buy myself a pandora charm for being 1 year in london
• Save 2000 pounds
• Go to the theatre
• Do more cake decorating courses
• Holiday to Eastern Europe
• Get cover for Ipad
• Sort out Harry Potter Lego
• Pack away winter clothes and sort out summer clothes
• Read 5 books
• Buy something for my sisters baby (when she hits 12 weeks)
• Try and meet more people in London

So that's it so far. Wish me luck! Some of them I have to start straight away like walking to work I can obviously only do when we are in London as I'm live in when we are in Norway.

Very excited!

Happy Easter!

NOT

I have not stopped eating the entire day! I was so annoyed when I got on the scales this morning, I know I shouldn't have but just wanted a quick look and I have only lost .5 WTF?! That means to keep up with the last two weeks weight loss I would have to lose 1.7kg AT LEAST in three days. I was so upset I just started eating.

Breakfast I had 1 piece of toast and 5 small Easter eggs, which a small glass of orange juice

I then went for a huge two hour trek through the woods

Lunch another piece of toast and small glass of orange juice

Dinner my chicken wrap that I do, 2 small pieces of chocolate cake, with a few spoons of vanilla ice cream and   2 more small Easter eggs.

Oh and not to mention the half a normal sized Easter egg I had with some gooey shit in the middle that I couldn't finish. 

I feel obese. Well I practically am already so now I feel even worse.

I'm going to try and fast all day tomorrow - it's the last day I can before I have to start working again. I've got to cut down on calories I can't keep pigging out like this or I'm never going to be thin.

My boss found a dress on the internet that she says would be great for me and then I could wear it to the engagement party.. only problem is it's 350 pounds! Yes I can afford it but the only reason I afford it is cause I don't spend my money on really fucking expensive clothes. I also just think it will look like shit on me anyway.

I would love to be my like boss (and all her rich friends) and be able to spend that much money without even noticing, like it just doesn't matter to her. We were walking through the airport before coming to Norway and walked past the window to Dior on the way to the lounge and I said 'oh I love that scarf it is so gorgeous' and kept walking... she however had stopped called me back to go in 455 pounds later she had a new scarf, no hesitation, no oh that's expensive.  

Well I'm fat, poor and ugly no one is ever going to want me. 

Freaking out about weigh in.

I'm so worried about weighing myself, I know it isn't for another 3.5 days but I'm freaking out! I used to be on the scales every day, more like 2-4 times a day just checking the damage I had done, calming down when I hadn't gained. But now I just get so scared to get on, I know the number will have gone up this week. I've been terrible. I hate it.

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Chicken wrap (1/4 - 1/2 chicken breast depending how good or bad I've been for the day, some onion, a squirt of BBQ sauce on a white tortilla wrap) = 250 calories

Snacks: Rusks = 57 calories

3x strawberry lollies = 28.5

Total = 523.50 calories

How am I ever going to loose weight eating like that? I hate it. 

On the plus side I wasn't such a lazy cow today. Went for about a 40 minute walk had some hills and for half of it was carrying my charge on my back who is 12kg. Also did 100 laps in the pool, which doesn't really count as 100 cause the pool is not huge but some exercise is better than the none I did yesterday.

I was supposed to email my shrink a few weeks ago. Keep on putting it off, don't know what to tell her, I'm trying hard to loose weight but am still a big fat pig so nothing to worry about?!?!