The new GP

So saw the new GP this morning, I like her a lot, she seems lovely and very friendly. I gave her my history she seemed concerned that things were coming back I tried to explain that my thoughts/thinking never actually changed but she still seemed concerned. Was weighed and not allowed to look god that hasn't happened in so long!
I got my referral this is what she wrote:

Thank you for seeing ..... , age 25 years, for your opinion and management. On her return from the UK she has had an exacerbation of her eating disorder symptoms, and her mood is becoming lower. She has had thoughts of cutting, and has started purging again. I have started her back on her Pristiq while waiting to see you. Her obs are stable at present and she has no suicidal thoughts.

geez!

So yah sposed to start back on medication, not sure if I will though. I mean seriously I was on medication for years and as I said my thoughts never changed, sure I could function go to work etc but i still had them they just didn't completely take over my life anymore.
She wants me to go back again next week to discuss blood results, I told her I thought they would be normal (which they will be) cause I've been eating like a fat fucking pig for so long they would have to be.

In other news I had a decent day with calories. 226 total probably actually a bit less cause I rounded a few things up. Didn't go to the gym just couldn't be bothered today but did walk around the shopping centre for about 4 hours carrying a baby.

Lost :)

A loss or this week. Not a lot, but considering the crap I've been eating it is a small miracle. So have lost 0.9kg which I know is NOTHING but I'm so relieved I didn't gain again. I want to lose another 3.1 in 2 weeks and one day which is doable but only if I'm really good.

I did not start off my only 2 weeks to lose 3.1 today I am sitting on around 700 (maybe 800 GAH) calories. But now I've got my small goal that I really want to reach I want to try hard. And I'm hoping these diet pills will help on those days that my willpower breaks. I'm not sure they will do all that much as they are sposed to stop you absorbing so much fat and stuff after meals and they say to have them straight after meals and take an extra one if you've had an extra big or fatty meal but my problem isn't the meals. It's the snacks I have throughout the day like the 35 cal biscuits that I nibble on or the bits of M's food when I feed him that is my real downfall which I don't think the tablets will help.

I hears hoping.

I've been throwing up A LOT lately most nights. Need to give it a break, not for my help but that last thing I need is for things to clog up :/

All the boxes to pack up my stuff arrived today. I don't want to move home. I know I've said that before, but I can't tell anyone else, especially my family!

Gained :(

So as expected I had gained on Wednesdays weigh in. 1.1kg fuck I was mortified, still am. I do think my scales are broken though cause this morning 2 days later I was down again -.4 more! Which I am not really happy with cause I know it just isn't true. The last three nights I have been eating soo much (at least 700 cals) but luckily throwing it all up. So the scales probably only read that cause I may be dehydrated or something.

I've been so exhausted lately. Literally in bed by 9:30! I'm like a grandma.

I have got to be down by next Wednesday, I mean properly down not this pretend down that is happening today. I can be fairly good tomorrow, have got a lunch on Sunday GRRRR! But then Monday Tuesday I plan to be perfect days, hoping I have the willpower.

How to ruin a day, without fail.

So how do you make sure you have completely ruined your entire day by 6am? You weigh yourself.
It was one of those ones where I shouldn't be weighing cause I try to only weigh myself on a Wednesday or I get to obsessed about it, but I needed to see how much damage I had done. And boy have I done a lot, in less than a week too. I was hoping and praying that it wouldn't be much and sort of convincing myself that it can't be bad, I was dead wrong! I won't tell you how much I've gained.. I will save that for my official weigh in on Wednesday no doubt my fat self will gain even more by then.

I hate myself.

I'm sorry I'm so fat.

Flight Booked.

I booked my flight home yesterday, scary! On the 1st November I will being leaving London flying back home to Australia. To the place I had nothing in the first place which is why I left. Am I being really stupid going back? I can't ask anyone, my family would be heart broken if they thought it even crossed my mind. I say it will be different this time, I will actually make an effort, make friends (as I lost all the ones I once had), I'll go out. But will I? I only did it over here cause I had to.I had to look normal I had to do something or I would not have survived. But back home it is all so easy to not do anything to go to work and come home and go to work again and you realise the entire week has passed and you have seen no one but your parents and your sister who you are fighting with but you can't remember why - only that it's you're fault.

I'm embracing my blog fully again. I will write down every day what I have eaten and be judged accordingly. That is the only way. I have had a terrible week, since Friday and my mum's care parcel arrived. I will have gained this week, even knowing it, it will send a shudder down my spine on Wednesday when it's confirmed as I weigh in. I just need to have 2 good weeks, that will get me back into the swing of things.

I've been throwing up a lot lately. In fact for the last 4 days. The scary thing is now I actually go out and buy food knowing that I will throw it straight back up. I never used to do that. Back in the day I was fine eating it saying I wouldn't throw it up I had been good all week and it was only when I got to the end with that full feeling that made me feel revolting that it just had to come up. Now even before the first mouthful I know it can't stay in me. I'm too fat for that.

I really feel like cutting, I've resisted so far, haven't done in a month or two, can't remember. I don't know how much longer I can resist it though its getting stronger and stronger.

Strained neck.

Do you think you can strain your neck while vomiting? Cause I may have just done so. Cause it bloody hurts. I guess it serves me right for me such a fat, disgusting pig.

I was going fairly well up until after work when I went to this group, sort of women's group, what is the name of that movie where the women's group does a naked calender for fundraising? Anyway like that. My flatmate wanted me to go along so did and they served cake! Fuck me! It wasn't even worth breaking for, it was lemon, which isn't disgusting but soo not something I was choose to break my diet over. AND then flatmate asks did I have dinner! Thinking I was completely safe as this meeting didn't finish till 9:30 and we both have to work early in the morning I said I hadn't so then went for fish and chips... which is the long tale of why I actually strained my neck throwing up. I know I wouldn't have got it ALL cause I was trying to be quiet and quick, a disaster combination for a bulimic who's only aim is to bring all the food back up but alas I did not and now have an injury to boot. Fingers crossed that I got most of it up though.

And what's even worse? Is I did all of this the night before  I weigh in. I'm totally screwed! Even if I had lost some I would have put it all back on.