I'm off.

I'm not sure what the wifi situation is going to be like in Fiji so this will probably be my last blog for a couple of weeks. I've got everything crossed that I don't put on too much weight I'm so scared about it but just need to remember this holiday isn't about me so need to try and keep all my feelings to myself so I don't ruin it for everyone else.

Had the question of how old I was in comments. I'm 26. Very depressing 10 years on and I'm still trying to get rid of this fat that is my body. It's pathetic. I hate it.

Back down under

So have been back for a few days, the first one spent mostly sleeping. After no stopping in Singapore which the flight normally does, and sitting up for 14.5 hours straight I was over it. At least before that you get to get of in Dubai cause after the first 7.5 hours you're over it and that work around the airport really helps!

Apart from a meal last night for my sisters birthday and a lunch today that I have to go out for I haven't been bad food wise since coming home. Yes I could be a hole lot better but that will come tomorrow. I will be so busy for the rest of the week making and decorating and cleaning for my sisters baby shower on Sunday  I won't have a chance to eat crap.

I hate being home. I have nothing to do, I have no one. The only good thing is my mum has stopped with the ' oh you should see you dr' or 'don't forget to eat something', 'what have you eaten today'. I assume since I have survived nearly two years overseas she thinks everything is gone, done. But the comments will start again soon enough as soon as she realizes it has never really stopped. Not in nearly 10 years, yah I got fat, but my thoughts have never changed, inside my head has never changed, not for a second.

Sort of decent day.

So I'm sitting on 531 calories for the day. Although it is only 6:00pm so could have a disaster yet... I'm hoping I don't though! I even did a random exercise DVD this afternoon I was that bored. It is all I have now that I have cancelled my gym membership and I accidently packed all my 'gym jackets' so can't even go walking if I don't want to die of hypothermia.

I haven't left the house today which has and hasn't helped. Helped with the not eating a huge amount but most of the day I've just wanted to cut! So tomorrow I am going into Covent Garden and going to the National Portrait Gallery. Have also just booked Wicked the musical for Monday night. Need to fill up my days so I don't go completely crazy!



Damn it!! I was doing so well. Unfortunately didn't make my in the 500s I have a total of 601 calories for the day. FUCK IT 2 calories. But I shall try again tomorrow.
I was so proud of myself my flatmates ordered pizza, I so badly wanted some but when he asked me (when he was ordering) I was like noooooooo before I had a chance to think about it too much and then of I wanted some but I couldn't really ask for theirs :) great!!!

Weigh in....

So weigh in wasn't as bad as I was thinking it would be. I did gain 100 grams, but I thought I was going to be a minimum 1.5kg!!!
I do need to get everything sorted though!
I've been so stressed with all this packing and getting things into line. And then even more so now I got an email from my mum my uncle (who is VERY sick with cancer and has basically given up) caught the garage on fire and my aunty hears a bang at 1am and goes in and there he is in the middle with dressing gown on fire she manages to get him out and call fire brigade and police. He's now in hospital with 3rd degree burns and they can't do skingraph cause he was in such a bad way after chemo that they have nowhere to take it from.

I'm stressed about leaving work. Although the nanny replacing me who has been following me around for the week seems really lovely.

Life is crazy and hectic and I don't like it. I just need to stop eating all this crap then things will balance out.

Off with my boss to shop for my leaving present. God the last thing I want to do is go around Harrods trying on clothes. I feel like a fucking obese heffa.

30 Followers

I've reached 30 follower woo! I know to a lot of you that isn't a lot but  I'm excited. It means 30 people have read my blog thirty people have thought to themselves, I get that, or that isn't such bad reading I might want to find it again one day. Probably for tips or tricks to try and not turn out like the fat ugly person that I have turned in to. I wish you luck!

My plan to not throw up has not been going well.

I've got the urge to email my shrink. Don't know why she never fucking replies anyway.

Lost :)

A loss or this week. Not a lot, but considering the crap I've been eating it is a small miracle. So have lost 0.9kg which I know is NOTHING but I'm so relieved I didn't gain again. I want to lose another 3.1 in 2 weeks and one day which is doable but only if I'm really good.

I did not start off my only 2 weeks to lose 3.1 today I am sitting on around 700 (maybe 800 GAH) calories. But now I've got my small goal that I really want to reach I want to try hard. And I'm hoping these diet pills will help on those days that my willpower breaks. I'm not sure they will do all that much as they are sposed to stop you absorbing so much fat and stuff after meals and they say to have them straight after meals and take an extra one if you've had an extra big or fatty meal but my problem isn't the meals. It's the snacks I have throughout the day like the 35 cal biscuits that I nibble on or the bits of M's food when I feed him that is my real downfall which I don't think the tablets will help.

I hears hoping.

I've been throwing up A LOT lately most nights. Need to give it a break, not for my help but that last thing I need is for things to clog up :/

All the boxes to pack up my stuff arrived today. I don't want to move home. I know I've said that before, but I can't tell anyone else, especially my family!

Gained :(

So as expected I had gained on Wednesdays weigh in. 1.1kg fuck I was mortified, still am. I do think my scales are broken though cause this morning 2 days later I was down again -.4 more! Which I am not really happy with cause I know it just isn't true. The last three nights I have been eating soo much (at least 700 cals) but luckily throwing it all up. So the scales probably only read that cause I may be dehydrated or something.

I've been so exhausted lately. Literally in bed by 9:30! I'm like a grandma.

I have got to be down by next Wednesday, I mean properly down not this pretend down that is happening today. I can be fairly good tomorrow, have got a lunch on Sunday GRRRR! But then Monday Tuesday I plan to be perfect days, hoping I have the willpower.

How to ruin a day, without fail.

So how do you make sure you have completely ruined your entire day by 6am? You weigh yourself.
It was one of those ones where I shouldn't be weighing cause I try to only weigh myself on a Wednesday or I get to obsessed about it, but I needed to see how much damage I had done. And boy have I done a lot, in less than a week too. I was hoping and praying that it wouldn't be much and sort of convincing myself that it can't be bad, I was dead wrong! I won't tell you how much I've gained.. I will save that for my official weigh in on Wednesday no doubt my fat self will gain even more by then.

I hate myself.

I'm sorry I'm so fat.

Thinspo

After a two terrible days of eating... well not really days. I ate 1 very bad meal on each day... I was in need of some thinspiration to get me back on track.

Damn It

Couldn't avoid the dinner as it was at our place, but was a bit excited when flat mate said she was going to cook something I didn't like. I get a text message when I'm at work though saying she forgot to defrost the sausages and we're going to get take away instead. AHHHHHHHHH! So pizza for dinner last night and then  out to dinner tonight. Hopefully I won't do too much damage tonight.

Two meals out of the week though isn't as bad as last week so I am hoping that I still might be able to lose something by Wednesday. Something, ANYTHING!

No avoiding it!

So as I was not replying to my friends message about dinner tomorrow night another friend said she couldn't go as was working. I thought brilliant we won't have to go. No such luck apparently, we're now not going out but having them over here. Now there is no fucking avoiding it.

I was terrible today I just couldn't stop eating. I need to get myself back into control if I want to loose weight this week, I can't gain, I just can't. This is what I do I get rid of a tiny bit of fat then I eat and put it straight back. I got up to 708 calories today, I'm absolutely mortified. Yes I did burn over half of those off at them gym so net was 406 but I don't do net. If I put it in my mouth it's counted and if I work it off that's just a bonus. FUCK.

I need my willpower again. I need to be thin.

5 Weeks to go...

Only 5 weeks of work left. Thank goodness! I feel bad saying that but I'm just so over it. Today my boss was 'working' from home and when I was down slaving away in the kitchen to cook M's dinner while he was asleep she came down to talk to me. Saying she's done so much work today she's deleted 900 emails from her inbox. Then told me she was going to duck out to the shops as she doesn't take enough breaks at work and that's why she gets headaches. Told me I probably don't take enough breaks either, but she supposes that's alright cause I don't sit in front of a computer all day. I felt like screaming at her, yah you're right I don't sit on my ass infront of a computer everyday I am up and out and going for 12hrs looking after your child lucky to sit down for 5 mins all day so stop sitting there whining at me.

On a more important note I have had  good day food wise. Total of 436 calories plus a trip the the gym. I am absolutely dreading my weigh in on Wednesday I know I've gained so really today and tomorrow is being good just trying to not gain anymore.

I hate being this fat. I HATE IT!

Bad Day

Yesterday was a bad day calorie wise. A VERY bad day. Even though I planned it, even though I said a week ago on Saturday I can eat whatever I still feel like absolute shit today. I can't believe I ate as much as I did, I'm mortified and disgusted. I just want to cut away all my fat. I truly hate it!

All I think of is I've gained weight, that I'm going to be up on my next Wednesday weigh in. I haven't weighed, I can't face it. But I know I will still be up on Wednesday. I always do this, I lose a little bit then I gain it back so when I lose again it doesn't even fucking count I'm just loosing weight that I've put on. I think if I'm good today, Monday and Tuesday all I can really hope for is staying the same, but even that is a big ask.

I can't handle this shit, being this fat and awful. Everything I put in my mouth is just making me fatter and fatter and fatter.

I shall be updating my blog as much as possible and telling you what I'm doing to keep me on track, I think this Wednesday is lost to me but if I am good from now until the weigh in after next I should lose a decent amount, Olympics are over and I'm sure I can talk people out of any plans they want to arrange (nothing booked in yet).

It's midday. I had some Snack a Jacks for breakfast for 92 calories. Until weigh in after next I am going to try my hardest to have 500 (or under) every day, which I am generally good at it is just when I have to go out and socialize that things start getting hard. Also going to try and go to the gym 5 times a week. 4 times next week cause I have to work late on Tuesday night.

I can do this.

I can be thin!

I just want to be thin!

I'm in DESPERATE need of thinspiration!

Lost 3.3 lbs!

Weigh in today and I've lost 1.5kg (3.3lbs) super excited about that cause its been awhile since I've lost a decent amount. Actually a lie I lost more than that the week before last :/ but that seems ages ago. 

Have got extra Paralympic tickets for tomorrow night. Wheelchair Rugby really looking forward to it cause it looks amazing! Just need to be strong with the food. I'm going straight from work so can say I've already eaten.... it's just a matter of me sticking to it.

I think the only bad day this week will be Saturday as going to Paralympics again but going early morning for half the day and then maybe to the movies with the same people so can't really get away with eating very little so am going to have to eat some sort of normal meal with them. So hopefully if I stay on track all the other days I might loose a decent amount of weight next week too :). 

I'm on such a high from the scales, I lost it during the day, but its back :)

Today's Calories

Just a quick one cause I'm super tired, didn't get home from watching Wheelchair basketball until after midnight.. which was amazing by the way!

So today's calories were a total of 438 with a trip to the gym too :).

I'm slightly more hopeful for my weigh in on Wednesday.

Food for today.

Ok as I said yesterday to try and keep me on track I am going to put up everything I have eaten every day. See below. Went alright could have gone better. Nothing much to report just a boring day of work, work, work.

Breakfast: Ryvita with a scrape of vegemite = 35 calories

Lunch: 1/2 packet of Uncle Ben's Express Mexican Style Rice = 198 calories

Dinner: Snack a Jacks = 89 calories

Snacks: Snack a Jacks and some grapes = 176 calories

Total: 498 calories

Unfortunately I was a fat cow today and didn't go to the gym but I am going tomorrow night to continue my running app.

So worried about tomorrows weigh in. I know I've gained the question is how much damage have I done?

Flight Booked.

I booked my flight home yesterday, scary! On the 1st November I will being leaving London flying back home to Australia. To the place I had nothing in the first place which is why I left. Am I being really stupid going back? I can't ask anyone, my family would be heart broken if they thought it even crossed my mind. I say it will be different this time, I will actually make an effort, make friends (as I lost all the ones I once had), I'll go out. But will I? I only did it over here cause I had to.I had to look normal I had to do something or I would not have survived. But back home it is all so easy to not do anything to go to work and come home and go to work again and you realise the entire week has passed and you have seen no one but your parents and your sister who you are fighting with but you can't remember why - only that it's you're fault.

I'm embracing my blog fully again. I will write down every day what I have eaten and be judged accordingly. That is the only way. I have had a terrible week, since Friday and my mum's care parcel arrived. I will have gained this week, even knowing it, it will send a shudder down my spine on Wednesday when it's confirmed as I weigh in. I just need to have 2 good weeks, that will get me back into the swing of things.

I've been throwing up a lot lately. In fact for the last 4 days. The scary thing is now I actually go out and buy food knowing that I will throw it straight back up. I never used to do that. Back in the day I was fine eating it saying I wouldn't throw it up I had been good all week and it was only when I got to the end with that full feeling that made me feel revolting that it just had to come up. Now even before the first mouthful I know it can't stay in me. I'm too fat for that.

I really feel like cutting, I've resisted so far, haven't done in a month or two, can't remember. I don't know how much longer I can resist it though its getting stronger and stronger.

Trip cancelled

I'm really annoyed I went online to book my trip to Egypt etc and it wasn't on the site which means its all booked out or they don't do that date anymore, which was what I was planning everything around. Hve emailed them just to make sure I'm not missing it on the site, but I'm gutted! So now I don't know what to do. Work for another month and save the money/ still finish on the 12th October and go home then or try and find another tour that starts around the 21st don't know where in the world I want to go.. I really had my heart set on the Egypt trip.

Had a rubbish day today. After another good day yesterday with 400 and something calories I had over 600 calories today!!! Gah. I don't know how many exactly but was between 600 and 1000 definitely didn't go over 1000. I just want to cry! My only hope for this time in Norway is that I haven't gained too much since my last official weigh in.

I'm all set to start being really good on the Wednesday, the day after we get back to London. My sister is starting the 12 week challenge at the gym back home which I'm hoping knowing she is loosing loads of weight each week will help motivate me to keep going.

Good Day :)

So with 486 calories to my name today, it is fairly decent. I've just got out of the pool after doing 100 laps and 90 squats. Also with a 30 minute walk to the lake. There is a lot of room for improvement  but it's a start. I just need to remember what a good feeling this gives me when I get off track again.

I've just started reading a new book on anorexia to use as thinspiration. Working well I'm hoping it will keep me in line.