Gained :(

So as expected I had gained on Wednesdays weigh in. 1.1kg fuck I was mortified, still am. I do think my scales are broken though cause this morning 2 days later I was down again -.4 more! Which I am not really happy with cause I know it just isn't true. The last three nights I have been eating soo much (at least 700 cals) but luckily throwing it all up. So the scales probably only read that cause I may be dehydrated or something.

I've been so exhausted lately. Literally in bed by 9:30! I'm like a grandma.

I have got to be down by next Wednesday, I mean properly down not this pretend down that is happening today. I can be fairly good tomorrow, have got a lunch on Sunday GRRRR! But then Monday Tuesday I plan to be perfect days, hoping I have the willpower.

How to ruin a day, without fail.

So how do you make sure you have completely ruined your entire day by 6am? You weigh yourself.
It was one of those ones where I shouldn't be weighing cause I try to only weigh myself on a Wednesday or I get to obsessed about it, but I needed to see how much damage I had done. And boy have I done a lot, in less than a week too. I was hoping and praying that it wouldn't be much and sort of convincing myself that it can't be bad, I was dead wrong! I won't tell you how much I've gained.. I will save that for my official weigh in on Wednesday no doubt my fat self will gain even more by then.

I hate myself.

I'm sorry I'm so fat.

Bad Day

Yesterday was a bad day calorie wise. A VERY bad day. Even though I planned it, even though I said a week ago on Saturday I can eat whatever I still feel like absolute shit today. I can't believe I ate as much as I did, I'm mortified and disgusted. I just want to cut away all my fat. I truly hate it!

All I think of is I've gained weight, that I'm going to be up on my next Wednesday weigh in. I haven't weighed, I can't face it. But I know I will still be up on Wednesday. I always do this, I lose a little bit then I gain it back so when I lose again it doesn't even fucking count I'm just loosing weight that I've put on. I think if I'm good today, Monday and Tuesday all I can really hope for is staying the same, but even that is a big ask.

I can't handle this shit, being this fat and awful. Everything I put in my mouth is just making me fatter and fatter and fatter.

I shall be updating my blog as much as possible and telling you what I'm doing to keep me on track, I think this Wednesday is lost to me but if I am good from now until the weigh in after next I should lose a decent amount, Olympics are over and I'm sure I can talk people out of any plans they want to arrange (nothing booked in yet).

It's midday. I had some Snack a Jacks for breakfast for 92 calories. Until weigh in after next I am going to try my hardest to have 500 (or under) every day, which I am generally good at it is just when I have to go out and socialize that things start getting hard. Also going to try and go to the gym 5 times a week. 4 times next week cause I have to work late on Tuesday night.

I can do this.

I can be thin!

Food for today.

Ok as I said yesterday to try and keep me on track I am going to put up everything I have eaten every day. See below. Went alright could have gone better. Nothing much to report just a boring day of work, work, work.

Breakfast: Ryvita with a scrape of vegemite = 35 calories

Lunch: 1/2 packet of Uncle Ben's Express Mexican Style Rice = 198 calories

Dinner: Snack a Jacks = 89 calories

Snacks: Snack a Jacks and some grapes = 176 calories

Total: 498 calories

Unfortunately I was a fat cow today and didn't go to the gym but I am going tomorrow night to continue my running app.

So worried about tomorrows weigh in. I know I've gained the question is how much damage have I done?

Flight Booked.

I booked my flight home yesterday, scary! On the 1st November I will being leaving London flying back home to Australia. To the place I had nothing in the first place which is why I left. Am I being really stupid going back? I can't ask anyone, my family would be heart broken if they thought it even crossed my mind. I say it will be different this time, I will actually make an effort, make friends (as I lost all the ones I once had), I'll go out. But will I? I only did it over here cause I had to.I had to look normal I had to do something or I would not have survived. But back home it is all so easy to not do anything to go to work and come home and go to work again and you realise the entire week has passed and you have seen no one but your parents and your sister who you are fighting with but you can't remember why - only that it's you're fault.

I'm embracing my blog fully again. I will write down every day what I have eaten and be judged accordingly. That is the only way. I have had a terrible week, since Friday and my mum's care parcel arrived. I will have gained this week, even knowing it, it will send a shudder down my spine on Wednesday when it's confirmed as I weigh in. I just need to have 2 good weeks, that will get me back into the swing of things.

I've been throwing up a lot lately. In fact for the last 4 days. The scary thing is now I actually go out and buy food knowing that I will throw it straight back up. I never used to do that. Back in the day I was fine eating it saying I wouldn't throw it up I had been good all week and it was only when I got to the end with that full feeling that made me feel revolting that it just had to come up. Now even before the first mouthful I know it can't stay in me. I'm too fat for that.

I really feel like cutting, I've resisted so far, haven't done in a month or two, can't remember. I don't know how much longer I can resist it though its getting stronger and stronger.

Going strong

ABC Diet is still going strong, today's 100 calorie day went surprisingly well.  I think I mucked up a bit yesterday not completely sure what the calories were though so I'm going to say I went over (but I may not have) so  I will have less of my allowed calories tomorrow to make up for it. I don't feel bad doing that cause I was reading on the internet that there is really no rhyme  or reason to the specific days someone just wrote them down and that was it.

The scales say I have already lost weight... well yah 5 days I would bloody hope so but I don't think I've lost as much as they say. Why is it I always believe when I have a monster weight gain but not the loss?

So my sisters baby is officially a boy :) and I've started shopping, I'm thinking since it was conceived in London I would get a London suitcase (not a real one, just a touristy thing) and buy loads of clothes and things over here that they don't sell in Australia. I went into Ralph Lauren today (yes they do sell that in Aust, we're not that bad, but never go there) it was a bit depressing that the first time I shopped there and it isn't even for me. But they were having a huge sale so got three cute little outfits that my sister will LOVE.

Bit worried about Norway next week and keeping to the diet, I've really only got one day to worry about before I fly back for the Olympic opening ceremony but then I have to go back again :/ oh well I'll figure something out.

Crossing off day 2 :)

Am officially crossing off day two, although to be fair, it isn't much of a challenge at 500 calories I mean really that's a normal days intake. Didn't do any exercise, apart from walking to and from classes with M all day which would easily be about 3-4 miles added up, but that's alright as I'm not focusing on exercise.. do I ever lol. It's all about sticking to the food.

Weigh in tomorrow morning, dreading it!

Strained neck.

Do you think you can strain your neck while vomiting? Cause I may have just done so. Cause it bloody hurts. I guess it serves me right for me such a fat, disgusting pig.

I was going fairly well up until after work when I went to this group, sort of women's group, what is the name of that movie where the women's group does a naked calender for fundraising? Anyway like that. My flatmate wanted me to go along so did and they served cake! Fuck me! It wasn't even worth breaking for, it was lemon, which isn't disgusting but soo not something I was choose to break my diet over. AND then flatmate asks did I have dinner! Thinking I was completely safe as this meeting didn't finish till 9:30 and we both have to work early in the morning I said I hadn't so then went for fish and chips... which is the long tale of why I actually strained my neck throwing up. I know I wouldn't have got it ALL cause I was trying to be quiet and quick, a disaster combination for a bulimic who's only aim is to bring all the food back up but alas I did not and now have an injury to boot. Fingers crossed that I got most of it up though.

And what's even worse? Is I did all of this the night before  I weigh in. I'm totally screwed! Even if I had lost some I would have put it all back on.

31 Days Left

I counted up the days remaining on my 100 day challenge and I have 31 days left. I don't think I will be able to lose the 10kg that is my goal for the challenge but surely I will be able to lose SOMETHING! I start my diet for this 31 days tomorrow starting with walking to work again, not sure for how long I did 2 weeks last time so would like to do that again maybe some more??? Just walking to work the first week with the second possibly going to the gym or walking home too. I would rather walk home as well but I feel terrible paying 78 pounds a month for a gym membership and never going.

Apart from walking to work another thing starting tomorrow is I am giving up chocolate, AGAIN! I just had the worst chocolate binge I hate to think how many calories I consumed, at least I had only had popcorn today, but yes giving up chocolate for the last 31 days. So the next time I am allowed to eat it is on the 25th July. I can totally do this.

On this side of my holiday it is nearly time to make a decision re moving home or staying in London. I think at the moment I am leaning towards moving home. I just don't know. I was talking about it with my sister when she was over and she asked me where I was happiest. I said happy is quite a strong word. I'm not really happier in either place they are both the same they are both just places where I live, I wake up go to work and then come home from work. Yes I have a few more 'friends' in London but if I moved home I would hope I could make some sort of effort and make some friends there too. The main thing remains that I would regret not being there for my niece/nephews birth and helping out in the first few months. I would be over here hearing stories and hating that I am not there and enjoying the baby too. Then I have my sisters wedding which she doesn't need help planning but again I would hate to miss out on it and would be over here jealous as knowing they are all planning it together and having fun without me.

Why bother trying?

I lost control today and I had a sneaky mid-week weigh in and I am EXACTLY THE SAME!  I haven't lost a single gram for 3 days. Which sent me completely crazy and I started eating. I had some of M's snacks when I arrived at work this morning and then a chocolate chip biscuit at the sale and a small vanilla cupcake (which was fucking revolting!) then I had a chicken wrap on the way home and then I thought I've already done this much damage that I hate half a pizza (which I threw up) but then I went and ate the other half.

How screwed up is my mind I should think oh F I'm the same I should not eat not just give up and eat! GRRR

I wonder if this is why my shrink doesn't bother emailing me back cause she knows I'm just a fat failure.

Tomorrow is going to be another screwy day with going out to dinner but come Monday I am going to have my three 'meals'  like I was doing before and doing well with. I will have my apple for breakfast and my snack a jacks for lunch and my salt and vinegar spirals for dinner which will bring me in at under 400 cals a day I will just have to suck it up and just stick to it or I am going to be this fat forever.

Wasted

Just finished this book, I'm sure most of you have read it before, as I have numerous times. I found it quite depressing this time around. When she is supposedly recovered and been well for four years yet she's actually not. She still think she's fat, she still under weight she still eats weird. So why even bother trying?

Another day is coming to an end, another day under 600 calories.

I know I said I would update on my 100 day challenge on day 21 or something but thought I would wait until Wednesday so can do an update on weight as well as all my other goals.

For a split second today I thought I could actually tell that I've lost weight (I can NEVER tell) but quickly went away just a trick of the light probably.

Picked up some Topdeck tours magazines for Africa, Egypt and Europe today and dreaming....

Weekly Weigh In

So today being Wednesday it is my weigh day. I lost 1.6kg (3.5lbs) not as good as last week but better than nothing. I am wondering how this week is going to go without me exercising, cause this last week I still had quite a few walks to work and boot camp and a gym session so I'm very interested to see how much I lose without all that, if it isn't a lot I might have to go back to walking AND the gym for a week or so until the engagement party to see if I can lose a few more.

My head seems to be in the right spot at the moment, I'm loving losing weight again, I know I have such a long way to go before I'm actually thin but I'm on my way and as long as the scales keep going down every week if if they only go down a tiny bit all the tiny bits will eventually add up.

I'm still hoping to fast this weekend, even if I don't manage it I will still keep under my 600 calories. Total for today was 577, it's creeping up so better be careful.

fuck, fuck FUCK!

I was sitting on 475 until just THEN when my room mate called me out she had just made some cupcakes and had saved me one. I had to eat it, she was watching me, it tasted soo good. But now I feel like crap another day ruined!

Who am I kidding with hoping to have lost weight this week, it isn't possible to lose weight with the amount of crap I have been eating. All I can really hope for is that I haven't gained.

It's a long weekend this weekend plus my boss is also giving me Friday YAY so I'm contemplating a fast....

Over 600 again :(

Well when I woke up this morning and has 73 calories (boots salt and vinegar spirals) for breakfast I then knew that it would have to be a eat and throw up for dinner instead of trying to keep calories really low.

I went prepared, minties for the breath, tissues to wipe face incase they didn't have paper towels, perfume incase the smell lingered and hand lotion to get the smell of my hands. All went to plan. Had to smile to myself when I went to suss out the bathroom situation and someone hadn't flushed properly in one of the cubicles so you could still there that they had been sick.  Knowing that it wasn't staying in me I ordered a lot. Chicken burger, chips corn on the cob and garlic bread the guy even commented hungry are you (I was mortified) I was so full after eating it all but felt so much better after getting it all up. After that though I did have a piece of cake or pudding which is what brings me over the 600 cals for today.

With nothing else on the calender to ruin my under 600 for two weeks I start it again tomorrow and really think I will get it in (finally).

Not looking foward to work in the morning, I'm so over it. At least I don't have to walk :)

Starting to stress about this weeks weigh in will the two days I've been bad make a really big difference? I really don't want to gain after my decent weight loss for last week.

Ultimate FAIL

Well as the title suggests I completely failed at avoiding food at my charges 1st Birthday party today. I was good up until a certain point but about an hour into the party something snapped and I just ate everything in site. I would have gone over 2000 calories today, I feel awful. I didn't even get a nice sugar high, I just felt awful the entire time I was eating it but I just wouldn't  couldn't stop myself. I'm so disappointed, all I want to do is cut, but as I have enough ugly scars on my body I am trying not to.

On the way home I was still on my fuck it all attitude and stopped into McDonald's which just sent me over the edge and threw it up, so the McDonald's doesn't really count.

I really hope getting straight back on track tomorrow is going to effect my weigh in on Wednesday too much. I know I have to start again for my under 600 calories a day but am hoping against hope that I haven't done too much damage. Stressing out about it.

Tomorrow morning I have boot camp training in the park with my room mate, first time we're doing it I'm quite looking foward to it. Then going to have a break of exercise on Sunday and Monday and go back to the gym on Tuesday night.

I'm so angry with myself, I can't believe I did that today. Like I didn't even enjoy it you know. I just felt ill after it all. Hopefully that will stop me eating crap tomorrow when we go to this International Cake show.

Hope everyone else is doing better than me.

Lost!

YAY!

Weigh in this morning and I lost 2.3kg (5.1lbs) very excited about that after the crap gains I've had the previous  2 weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to pull off a number like that again next week.

Cupcakes are looming..... have to start baking them tomorrow, so badly want to be strong.

Have been invited out to dinner with a group of people on Friday night have have declined as I need to keep in my head that weight loss is goal number one for this 100 day challenge not socializing.

Walked to work again today, it rained on  me :( . Only 2 more days to go and then I've completed my 2 weeks worth thank fucking goodness my blisters are so sore!

Total 549 calories for today.

One thing crossed off!

Very excited to have crossed one thing off my list.
Went to the Harry Potter Studio Tours today which was just absolutely amazing! Loved it and recommend it to everybody. Yes, yes I am a Harry Potter fan, I wasn't and refused to read them for years until the 5th book came out at which point I was put into a private psychiatric hospital (what fun :/ ) and I asked my mum to go and buy the 5th book and then rang her while she was out getting it saying I can't start at number 5 you'll have to get 1,2,3 and 4 too. And with that I spent 2 weeks not getting out of bed except to use the bathroom and read all the books. I loved it. At a time where I didn't care if I lived or died, I got to dive into a world of make believe and feel someone else's feelings and not my own. I loved it and when ever I need to disappear from my life these days I will pick up my harry potter books and re-read them.

I start my 2 week of walking to work tomorrow. My flat mates don't think I should as it will still be dark when I leave, they don't realise them saying I shouldn't do it makes me want to do it even more. When I'm half way it should start getting light, it has been raining all night so not quite so excited at the prospect of walking in the rain but I AM doing it.

100 Days

Ok. I would like to thank Skinny Student for the idea as she is my inspiration for this and hopefully her progress with also push me to stick to things too!

I'm back in London and my 100 day challenge begins. It officially finishes on  23rd July but that's a Monday and since I weigh in on a Wednesday I am going to finish it on the 25th July. The main goal is to lose weight but as I said in a previous post I have other things (I've written a list) that I want to do within that 100 days as well.
"Skinny Student" has put 45lbs as her weight loss in the 100 days I am not putting anything near that as much as I very very much wish I could lose that much I don't think I can in 100 days, and in my current frame of mind I'm just not strong enough to do it. I have been VERY realistic with my goals as I don't think I can handle to not reach them at the moment.

My main number 1 goal is to lose 10kg (22lbs) in the 15 weeks. This is very doable, technically more is doable but for 3 of the 15 weeks I assume I won't lose anything (might even put on) as I will be in the presence of my sister :/ so that is why I haven't put a huge weight loss goal down.

The following are my goals, in no particular order, would just like to do them all in the 100 days, some I have already planned but since I am terrible at cancelling anything social that involves me going out I have kept them as goals. I thought I would keep my blog going as normal but maybe every 20 days I would write this same list and cross anything off that I've done.

• Lose 10kg (22lbs)
• Walk to work for 2 weeks
• Do my Couch to 5k app and get past half way this time (although hopefully more)
• Sort out part 1 of my sisters engagement present
• Keep to a max. of 600 calories a day for 2 weeks (again would hope to go longer but 2 weeks is my official goal)
• Fly home for engagement party AND keep it a secret
• Go to the Harry Potter Studio Tour
• Buy dress for engagement party
• Work out how to do other pages/tabs for blog
• Buy myself a pandora charm for being 1 year in london
• Save 2000 pounds
• Go to the theatre
• Do more cake decorating courses
• Holiday to Eastern Europe
• Get cover for Ipad
• Sort out Harry Potter Lego
• Pack away winter clothes and sort out summer clothes
• Read 5 books
• Buy something for my sisters baby (when she hits 12 weeks)
• Try and meet more people in London

So that's it so far. Wish me luck! Some of them I have to start straight away like walking to work I can obviously only do when we are in London as I'm live in when we are in Norway.

Very excited!

Failure!

Yet again I have failed. No big surprise there really is it.

After I finished writing last night I was so hungry and unfortunately in the kitchen when dinner was being served to everyone, and the smell did me no favours so I ended up have a piece of toast and a sausage then after that I thought fuck it I've just completely ruined the day even more so why not keep eating and then I had a piece of chocolate cake and some vanilla ice cream. I went straight down stairs and threw it all up.

As I said last night I was going to try and fast today.. which is why the title of this post if failure. I only made it till 2pm when I had my Snack a Jacks (108 calories), toast (80 calories) then 3 chocolate biscuits (370 calories) GRRR! I went and did my 100 laps in the pool to stop me eating anymore.

Why do I have to be such a fat pig with no willpower?! I used to be good, it used to be no effort at all to go 5-10 days fasting, I wish I was back there.

I actually have some followers YAY! Welcome. I am hoping that my first followers will keep me on track.

I promise I will be thin! I start tomorrow (again.. I think I say that to myself like everyday) but with you out there reading you will keep me strong. I can do this. I'm not going to try and fast again for awhile... clearly it didn't go well today. I'm just going to keep what I've been doing the last few weeks and keep on track. It will eventually come off.

Happy Easter!

NOT

I have not stopped eating the entire day! I was so annoyed when I got on the scales this morning, I know I shouldn't have but just wanted a quick look and I have only lost .5 WTF?! That means to keep up with the last two weeks weight loss I would have to lose 1.7kg AT LEAST in three days. I was so upset I just started eating.

Breakfast I had 1 piece of toast and 5 small Easter eggs, which a small glass of orange juice

I then went for a huge two hour trek through the woods

Lunch another piece of toast and small glass of orange juice

Dinner my chicken wrap that I do, 2 small pieces of chocolate cake, with a few spoons of vanilla ice cream and   2 more small Easter eggs.

Oh and not to mention the half a normal sized Easter egg I had with some gooey shit in the middle that I couldn't finish. 

I feel obese. Well I practically am already so now I feel even worse.

I'm going to try and fast all day tomorrow - it's the last day I can before I have to start working again. I've got to cut down on calories I can't keep pigging out like this or I'm never going to be thin.

My boss found a dress on the internet that she says would be great for me and then I could wear it to the engagement party.. only problem is it's 350 pounds! Yes I can afford it but the only reason I afford it is cause I don't spend my money on really fucking expensive clothes. I also just think it will look like shit on me anyway.

I would love to be my like boss (and all her rich friends) and be able to spend that much money without even noticing, like it just doesn't matter to her. We were walking through the airport before coming to Norway and walked past the window to Dior on the way to the lounge and I said 'oh I love that scarf it is so gorgeous' and kept walking... she however had stopped called me back to go in 455 pounds later she had a new scarf, no hesitation, no oh that's expensive.  

Well I'm fat, poor and ugly no one is ever going to want me.