Offered my old job back.

My ex boss (from London) rang last night, wants me to go back. She's not happy with the new nanny, as she said it I was super excited, but now the more I think about it the more unsure I am. I don't know what to do.
I know if I stay here, things won't improve, well not for a long while, at least until my shrink talks me into starting the medication she has been trying to convince me to start for the last two sessions. But if I go I won't have my doctor incase things to get even worse than they are now. I have been the worst I have been in years, and I don't know what to do. I'm also confused about the job, my boss mentioned until December that I would come back (for a working holiday I already have booked in) but not sure if it was do that holiday and then go back to London or if it was do holiday then stay in Australia and she'll find someone else. I'm just so confused about everything, and the worst part is I sort of need to give her an answer cause if I want to do it I need to be back in London for the 12th July!!! I will talk to my shrink about it on Monday but if I decide to go that will be my last appointment with her cause then she goes on holiday on the Wednesday.

It would just be so much easier to have none of this, no options. Just easier if I wasn't here.

Definitely ABCing it!

I decided this afternoon, when feeling like the most obese person in the world while shopping, that I am going to start the ABC diet on Sunday. I don't know quite how it's going to go I will at the very least go until day 10 at which point I need to go to Norway for work. So I can try and keep doing it while away or just try and eat very little amounts and start again when I get home.

I've counted forward and the day we fly will be a fast day :/ which normally I could get away with, no one every being the wiser, but since I will be with my boss from morning until night she is obviously going to notice. I thought I could say I feel a bit sick, just not right to eat which could possibly get me past the fast day and if she notices me eating low the next day I could say I'm just building back up slowly don't want to risk being sick blah, blah, blah. But that would only work once, and she would start asking a lot of questions when the next fast day came around. I can get away with quite a lot cause she knows I'm such a fussy eater but she will notice if I just don't eat.

So haven't quite decided on the how yet, but it is definitely happening! I need something drastic to get my body out of this obese state it is in.

Lucy at the Gym

I absolutely LOVE this song it is my favourite. Can't download it on the Australian itunes though.

Bad Girl

Was very bad this evening! Was going great until my boss said she was making me some potatoes, as she was cooking for everyone else, for dinner which means I had to cook myself some chicken or I would look totally weird just having a few potatoes on a plate. It then went from bad to worse with M's Dad making a chocolate cake and serving me up a piece with fucking ice-cream! I was prepared for the potatoes and was luckily serving up which means I got to choose the tiniest ones which were like 1 bite each :) but then the cake as soon as he put it down in front of me I got up and filled my glass of water and knew it would have to come back up. Guzzled the water and refilled and went and ate the cake, it was sooo good! I thought as long as I'm going to throw it up I will just have another piece, so three pieces of cake later, a small bowl of ice-cream, 1/4 chicken breast and 4 tiny potatoes I'm in the bathroom getting rid of it all. Just to make sure I have just taken some laxatives.

So much for being good every day this week and seeing if I can loose a decent amount again. God I'm such a fucking failure!

In other news I did a completely crazy thing today. It's my sister engagement party in May and obviously me being in London and them all being back in Australia I wouldn't be able to go but with the encouragement of my boss who says I'm young it's my job to do crazy things like this I've booked a flight home for the weekend! Yes I am flying 26ish hours to spend two days at home and then fly all the way back! :/  So excited about surprising everyone, not about sitting up right for 26+ hours in economy, I'm trying to upgrade myself with my frequent flyer points but it says there are not seats available try closer to the time.

With 7 weeks until the party I really have to be good! I have to resist this left over chocolate cake tomorrow!

Spoke to my mum this morning. It really is amazing the different reactions you get to weight loss when people don't know your history. Over here it is oh well done, I wish I was strong like you, keep going etc etc. Told my mum this morning I had lost 2.2kg for this week she was like, you shouldn't be loosing weight that fast, what are you doing? are you eating? please don't be doing anything stupid, you should email your dr blah blah blah. I felt like saying I did email my dr she doesn't bloody reply.

Anywho very long post but with that I'm off to bed.

I'm going to be an Aunty!

I'm soo excited! My sister messaged from Australia today and said she is having a baby! I'm over the moon. She's only 5 weeks, has only told mum dad and my sister and I, waiting for the 12 week mark to officially announce it. I was so happy when I first heard, still am but now I'm just like 'what do I do?' I always planned to  live over here in London for 1 or 2 years and go home before everyone started having babies, now she's pregnant, do I want to move home? Well of course I do! But then there is a part of me that doesn't want to miss out on being over here, like I'm going to go home and do what? There's nothing for me there! Absolutely nothing!

I've eaten so much today cause I'm so happy and sad at the same time, I really am an awful sister.

Breakfast: Apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Toast = 250 calories

Snacks: Chicken Balls = 80 calories

Total = 518 calories

I didn't do any exercise. Fat cow that I am.

Off to a half decent start....

So day one of my diet went fairly well. Mostly. By no means perfect!

My boss randomly gave me the day off today, instead of sleeping in till 10am (sometimes mid-day) as I do on the weekends I thought 'hey stop being a fat, lazy cow and actually get up and do something'! So I got out of bed at 8am and walked to work! Yes I know I wasn't actually working but was meeting a friend for lunch at a park close to work so thought I would walk and time how long it was from door to door. The maps on my Iphone said it would take 2hrs and 4mins but I took 1:58:45 which I thought was quite decent considering I am normally in bed :) .

Daily Intake

Breakfast: 1 small apple = 47 calories

Lunch: 1 packet of sweet chilli Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Chocolate Coated Saltanas = 169.5 calories (approx)

Snacks: 2x Minties =49.2 calories
2x Rusks = 57.3 calories

Orange Juice = 110 calories

Total = 541 calories

Although I actually like to round up as you never know the lies they tell you on the back of packets and if the scales are out etc etc. So I'm going to call today 800cals which is fucking crap but at least it is under 1000 calories I suppose that's a start.

I didn't actually want to have the orange juice but I was desperate for a drink and didn't want water. I had just been to the Dr have another ear infection so needed to get a drink to take my antibiotics and my pain killers and quite honestly just felt like crap so wanted to treat myself! 

The chocolate saltanas was me just be a big fat pig. They were sitting in my room and I just ate them.

Not too bad for the first day but could have done better! Baby steps! It's not 10 years ago where I am in such a good willpower that I can fast for 34 days straight (my record!!!) hopefully I will get there again though.