fuck, fuck FUCK!

I was sitting on 475 until just THEN when my room mate called me out she had just made some cupcakes and had saved me one. I had to eat it, she was watching me, it tasted soo good. But now I feel like crap another day ruined!

Who am I kidding with hoping to have lost weight this week, it isn't possible to lose weight with the amount of crap I have been eating. All I can really hope for is that I haven't gained.

It's a long weekend this weekend plus my boss is also giving me Friday YAY so I'm contemplating a fast....

Ultimate FAIL

Well as the title suggests I completely failed at avoiding food at my charges 1st Birthday party today. I was good up until a certain point but about an hour into the party something snapped and I just ate everything in site. I would have gone over 2000 calories today, I feel awful. I didn't even get a nice sugar high, I just felt awful the entire time I was eating it but I just wouldn't  couldn't stop myself. I'm so disappointed, all I want to do is cut, but as I have enough ugly scars on my body I am trying not to.

On the way home I was still on my fuck it all attitude and stopped into McDonald's which just sent me over the edge and threw it up, so the McDonald's doesn't really count.

I really hope getting straight back on track tomorrow is going to effect my weigh in on Wednesday too much. I know I have to start again for my under 600 calories a day but am hoping against hope that I haven't done too much damage. Stressing out about it.

Tomorrow morning I have boot camp training in the park with my room mate, first time we're doing it I'm quite looking foward to it. Then going to have a break of exercise on Sunday and Monday and go back to the gym on Tuesday night.

I'm so angry with myself, I can't believe I did that today. Like I didn't even enjoy it you know. I just felt ill after it all. Hopefully that will stop me eating crap tomorrow when we go to this International Cake show.

Hope everyone else is doing better than me.

Happy Easter!

NOT

I have not stopped eating the entire day! I was so annoyed when I got on the scales this morning, I know I shouldn't have but just wanted a quick look and I have only lost .5 WTF?! That means to keep up with the last two weeks weight loss I would have to lose 1.7kg AT LEAST in three days. I was so upset I just started eating.

Breakfast I had 1 piece of toast and 5 small Easter eggs, which a small glass of orange juice

I then went for a huge two hour trek through the woods

Lunch another piece of toast and small glass of orange juice

Dinner my chicken wrap that I do, 2 small pieces of chocolate cake, with a few spoons of vanilla ice cream and   2 more small Easter eggs.

Oh and not to mention the half a normal sized Easter egg I had with some gooey shit in the middle that I couldn't finish. 

I feel obese. Well I practically am already so now I feel even worse.

I'm going to try and fast all day tomorrow - it's the last day I can before I have to start working again. I've got to cut down on calories I can't keep pigging out like this or I'm never going to be thin.

My boss found a dress on the internet that she says would be great for me and then I could wear it to the engagement party.. only problem is it's 350 pounds! Yes I can afford it but the only reason I afford it is cause I don't spend my money on really fucking expensive clothes. I also just think it will look like shit on me anyway.

I would love to be my like boss (and all her rich friends) and be able to spend that much money without even noticing, like it just doesn't matter to her. We were walking through the airport before coming to Norway and walked past the window to Dior on the way to the lounge and I said 'oh I love that scarf it is so gorgeous' and kept walking... she however had stopped called me back to go in 455 pounds later she had a new scarf, no hesitation, no oh that's expensive.  

Well I'm fat, poor and ugly no one is ever going to want me. 

Stupid fat cow!!!

They are the only words to describe myself at the moment. All day I was resisting that stupid chocolate cake, but did  I have the willpower to do it until I went to be tonight noooooooooo! I feel so disgusting, I can already feel myself growing. I've GOT to stop!
I do this all the time, I want to reach a goal like being good and loosing as much weight as possible for the 7 weeks until I fly home and then I just can't do it. But I've got to! I can't be this fat. I just can't. I hate every minute of it.

I wonder if there are people in the world that really and truly like the way they look. Surely there are. I can't imagine it ever happening to me though. I have supposedly been 'recovered' for like 8 years, yes my body is a complete fat blob but I have never changed my thinking from when I was being put into hospital again and again. I have always thought I was a fat ugly cow, always cried when I looked in the mirror (now I just avoid looking at them), I always want to lose weight and seem to be starting a new diet... the only thing that has changed is my weight, I haven't got to that supposedly dangerously low weight again in 8 years and it makes me feel revolting and awful.

It will be different this time, I know it will. I will be thin and I will like what I see. I just need to lose this fat that I have engulfing my body wanting me to drown.

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: well not dinner cause I'm too fucking fat to wait that long but I'm not eating for the rest of the day so I'm putting it as dinner. Toast, slice of chocolate cake and bowl of chocolate icecream = TO FUCKING MANY CALORIES TO COUNT

Total: Probably a good 1000 calories (god I pray it isn't anymore!)

How am I ever going to lose weight if I eat like this? Why can't I just be strong? I promise I will be good tomorrow!

Fucking Cake!

Just a quick post cause my ear is soo sore that I'm just going to get straight into bed.
Today wasn't the best as no exercise.... why? Cause I'm just a fat lazy cow!
I was doing alright with the calories today it was 5pm and had done 414 cals but then ofcourse I had to go and see a friend sing in her choir... more a sort of glee group, so they were performing and they had cake and drinks, which ofcourse my other friend went up and got me a piece, they were fucking huge. I did give some to said cake buying friend but it was still HUGE! Do you think 1 piece of cake can be worth more than 586? God I hope not cause I don't want to have gone over 1000 calories today, well I didn't want to go over 500 but big fat stupid me and to have the cake. GRRRRR!

Do you think I need to add calories for the antibiotics???