No Chocolate :)

So made it without having chocolate bars today YAY! Honestly last week I had about 5 in one day. I still ate way more than I should but baby steps.
What actually kept me to it was knowing that I would have to fess up on here. I think when I get back from Australia I am really going to have to start doing my blog properly again and writing down what I eat all day and knowing people are reading it and thinking what a fat fucking cow I am will keep me in line (I hope).
So I am going to try and save this 100 day challenge as soon as I get back to London. When I land I have until the end of the week until my sister arrives and then another week until we go away on holiday so I'm pretty sure if I start walking to work again I can not gain anymore (and hopefully loose) I should be able to have just have my apple and something small for lunch and get away with having one meal with my sister (if that) hopefully some nights she will go and catch up with friends from when she lived over here. Then we go away on our Top Deck tour to eastern europe which some meals are included and since I'm such a fussy eater I am hoping I won't like half the stuff.

Bad Girl

Was very bad this evening! Was going great until my boss said she was making me some potatoes, as she was cooking for everyone else, for dinner which means I had to cook myself some chicken or I would look totally weird just having a few potatoes on a plate. It then went from bad to worse with M's Dad making a chocolate cake and serving me up a piece with fucking ice-cream! I was prepared for the potatoes and was luckily serving up which means I got to choose the tiniest ones which were like 1 bite each :) but then the cake as soon as he put it down in front of me I got up and filled my glass of water and knew it would have to come back up. Guzzled the water and refilled and went and ate the cake, it was sooo good! I thought as long as I'm going to throw it up I will just have another piece, so three pieces of cake later, a small bowl of ice-cream, 1/4 chicken breast and 4 tiny potatoes I'm in the bathroom getting rid of it all. Just to make sure I have just taken some laxatives.

So much for being good every day this week and seeing if I can loose a decent amount again. God I'm such a fucking failure!

In other news I did a completely crazy thing today. It's my sister engagement party in May and obviously me being in London and them all being back in Australia I wouldn't be able to go but with the encouragement of my boss who says I'm young it's my job to do crazy things like this I've booked a flight home for the weekend! Yes I am flying 26ish hours to spend two days at home and then fly all the way back! :/  So excited about surprising everyone, not about sitting up right for 26+ hours in economy, I'm trying to upgrade myself with my frequent flyer points but it says there are not seats available try closer to the time.

With 7 weeks until the party I really have to be good! I have to resist this left over chocolate cake tomorrow!

Spoke to my mum this morning. It really is amazing the different reactions you get to weight loss when people don't know your history. Over here it is oh well done, I wish I was strong like you, keep going etc etc. Told my mum this morning I had lost 2.2kg for this week she was like, you shouldn't be loosing weight that fast, what are you doing? are you eating? please don't be doing anything stupid, you should email your dr blah blah blah. I felt like saying I did email my dr she doesn't bloody reply.

Anywho very long post but with that I'm off to bed.

Happy Birthday to me!

Woke up this morning and felt really depressed, my birthday and all my family is across the other side of the world. Didn't have too much time to dwell on it though as had an early start at work and had to get my butt into gear.

For about 5 minutes this morning I was sooo happy. It was weigh day and I was an entire 2.5kg (5.5 pounds) I was beyond happy and excited. But then I went down as I remembered it's my birthday I'm going out to dinner, I'm having tea with my boss. I was so depressed about it I thought about cancelling everything but I couldn't how can I cancel tea with my boss when I'm already there? I am absolutely disgusted with myself started the day alright but then by mid afternoon I thought I'm already going to break tonight so why not just be a fat big and eat the two pieces of chocolate that are left ( from yesterday) then not only did I have a piece of cake with my boss I had 3 pieces of cake with my boss they were worth a good 225 calories (possibly more) each!!! FUCK ME! I then went out to dinner had a burger and fries and a cocktail. I feel like the fattest pig on earth. How on earth am I going to loose weight when I eat like that. I know all that I lost I have now put back on.

I'm just so disappointed with myself.
Also got this care parcel from my mum. easter eggs, red frogs, rusks, chocolate, biscuits what on earth am I going to do I feel too guilty to throw it all out she spent so much money on buying it and then posting it over. I've been looking about all the calories of it all so maybe if I have been good all week I can have on treat at the end of the week or something.

Really worried about how I'm going to go in Norway how am I not going to eat with people watching? The only plus side is they have an indoor swimming pool so can do laps every night.

Scored some good pressies. My mum got me, a few weeks ago when she was in London visiting, an Ipad for my birthday, I got a Cath Kidston travel bag and a beautiful smythson diary from my boss, I got 40 pounds (on an Australian laptop don't have the pound sign) worth of vouchers to Oliver Bonas from my room mates, $100 from 'grandma' I adopted her as my own but really the grandmother of the children I used to look after and the present from the kids I used to look after and my sisters are still on the way, so they say.

I've got a lot to be greatful for but all I feel like is a big fat ugly heffa.

Yet another rubbish day....

I am such a fat fucking pig! It revolts me!

So everything was going along had my apple for breakfast and my snack a jacks for lunch, I also planned that since I was going to the gym I would have snack a jacks for dinner too instead of an apple in the hopes it would give me a bit more energy. But no, no I had to be a big fat big and have two bits of chocolate at work too! And I have just been searching everywhere online for the calorie content but don't know the name of them and it is really stressing me out!!!!

Did a class at the gym which I was feeling really good about before I want knowing that i was going to be doing it. But got there and I am just so disgustingly unfit. Honestly I nearly worked out! The entire time going through my head was I am so fat, the biggest one here, I bet they are all thinking how stupid I look and I should just go home and eat more crap as that all I do by the look of me.
I avoid mirrors at all costs but obviously in the gym it is mirror overload when doing class I just looked utterly pathetic, I wanted to cry... nearly did, but the thought of that making me look even more stupid stopped me.
I made it through the class, but could have done so much better.

You know you must look really said when even a homeless guy says to you 'cheer up darlin' which is what happened to me on the way home from the gym. haha. I was sooo down, didn't know it showed though.

Really, really, really stressing about dinner tomorrow night, and my boss said she would come home early so we could have tea FUCK! So tomorrow I'm going to be completely screwed! And it's weigh in day :(

Breakfast: Small apple = 47 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Snack a Jacks = 106 calories (different flavour)

Snacks: Orange juice = 20 calories

Chocolate = 240 ? calories

Total = 521 calories

ARHHHHHHHHHHH! That is so fucking rubbish! I still don't know what chocolate it was but have compared it to one of a similar size and put that down.

Hopefully tomorrow it will be a better day, actually scrap that it will be a worse day cause it's my birthday and I will have to eat so much.