Instagram.

Last night I  made a new account on instagram for my ana self and just stuff that I can't post on my regular account so if you want to follow me I'm life_with_anorexia_take2 I don't have many photos up there yet but will get more things going up soon.

Today was not amazing I did a 17km walk with only a tiny bit of running, I was going so slow by the end cause my legs and knee were just so sore, I just wanted to lay down and die, had to make it back to the car though. I only burnt 1081 with the slow pace I had to keep up but it's better than nothing. Sort of ruined it with food tonight as well and had some of the kids nachos, just picked at theirs not my own serve but was something that wasn't planned which is annoying. Daily intake was net -660 ate 421 BLAH!

After just over two weeks of not cutting, wanting to but resisting, I cut this morning, I was just so frustrated with everything.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Beautiful!

 

 

In desperate need of some thinspiration.

A girl can only dream....

 

 

Distracting myself

I'm posting early tonight to try and stop myself putting anything else into my fat disgusting mouth, I'm hoping if I post my intake for the day I will feel too embarrassed to have to come back and change it so won't eat anything else :) I lost control with a box of Jatz biscuits so it is higher than what I wanted but a step back in the right direction and tomorrow will be better.

Breakfast:  Grapes - 62
Lunch: Chicken Wrap - 128
Dinner: Pumpkin Soup - 108
Snacks: Jelly (16), Minties (75), Potato Stix (48), Jatz Biscuits (176) - 316

Total: 614 calories disgusting but will improve tomorrow!

I don't generally work in net amounts but I'm getting a bit desperate with 3 weeks to go until I have to look half decent in a bridesmaid's dress so I want to make sure I work off everything I eat for the next few weeks at least.

My sister gave me a new good heart rate monitor for my birthday last week which tells me exactly how many calories I'm burning :)! Exercise for today was 10km (was more 11 or 12 as I did extra at the end) walk/run which burnt 787 then swimming which burnt 327 to total 1114 burnt.

Net intake: - 500

That's not too shabby, I aim to do better tomorrow which is doable if I stay away from the jatz biscuits. Figners crossed the the rain stops for tomorrow so I can get my run in!

The Biggest Loser

A new season of The Biggest Loser as just started here so I have programmed to tape it every night and use it as my motivation and I really need some!

After having 0 calories yesterday (YAY) I woke up this morning feeling like I wouldn't be able to cope on the 150 I was allowed today so swapped my 150 day for a 350 day later in the week which means my total for today was 326. After a day of fasting it sounds like so much. I did my 10km walk and not much else. I've lost hardly anything this week, it's freaky me out.

I emailed Val today, my psychiatrist's receptionists, she is lovely. So yah have made an appointment it was for Monday 15th April but then she emailed back and said that the doc is out of the office that day but has offered to come in the Friday before, which is now happening but I feel awful cause she doesn't work on Fridays so now I feel bad she is going into the office to see me. I did say that I would wait until the end of April (when I get back from Fiji) but they said Friday was good so now that's what is happening. Hopefully I will weigh a lot less than I do now by then.

I started my iron and B12 tablets today, not really to be healthy but hopefully they will give me more energy so I can get back to the gym and not just do my walks.

3kg loss.

Week 1 down on the ABC Diet and a loss of 3kg. I'm happy with that but know it could be a lot better. The weight didn't go down as much in the second half of the week, with a lousy 0.2 last night, I'm getting really worried that it is going to stop and even if I stick to the diet it won't go down more. I was losing 0.2 on 200 calories this week I have some 400 and 500 calorie days how am I ever going to get rid of this fat on that?
I'm going to try and be strong though I have to have faith that a lot of people have had great sucess on this.

Saw GP this morning. She didn't weigh me, which to be honest I was a bit put out by, I was expecting it and then it didn't happen, it just means I look fat and don't need to be weighed. She didn't seem to concerned that I hadn't started anti-depressants or that I had not contacted the shrink.
My blood results came back I'm extremely low in iron and B12 so she has prescribed stuff for that which I went out of her office thinking I'm not going to take them but then I thought to myself if they are going to give me more energy and make me feel better it might help me get back to the gym and do more than just my 10km walks... we'll see.

Todays Intake

So I'm still going along on the ABC diet. I've been reading a lot about it and other people who have done it and all seem to have their own versions, I think I'm just doing the standard one. All seem to be on the same change about being able to change the days around a bit though which is what I did today. So instead of a 200 cal day today I had my 300 day one and will do the 200 one tomorrow. Ended today on 253. I'm not holding high hopes on a loss overnight cause I had to work I didn't get to do my 10k walk which I think is going to have a big impact on my loss (or lack there of) I was on my feet all day though so hopefully it won't be too bad.
The last time I attempted this diet this is the last day I have marked off so obviously ruined it on the 7th day so don't want to do that this time so if I make it through tomorrow it will be good, am actually hoping to make it a lot longer than that though!

GAH weigh in tomorrow AND the next day :/

R.I.P Emma

R.I.P my beautiful baby. You had 10 wonderful years.
We had to put Emma to sleep yesterday, around lunch time, it was so so hard but the right thing to do, it was like she had just given up so even if we didn't to it it would not have been long just more painful if we hadn't helped.

The last two days have been pretty bad didn't sleep much Sunday night (understandably) then Monday was just a complete shit, I was so emotionly drained! My intake for Monday was 217 calories. I went for a 10km walk in the afternoon, I just needed to get out of the house and away from everybody.

Todays calories come in at 96 and another 10km walk along the beach front. I just can't be bothered going to the gym I have absolutely no energy but still need to do something!

I'm hoping for a decent loss this week, but with my fat arse you never know I could screw things up by Thursday, which is my weekly weigh in but then I also have the GP on Friday morning again and I assume she will weigh me again too. Not that I only have a weekly weigh in I weigh myself about 5 times a day. We're going away next week, just down the coast nothing exciting but I'm already stressed about not weighing for that long - I think I'll just have to take the scales with me. lol you know you're a little crazy when you take the scales on holidays. :/

Working tomorrow so will make it so much easier to not eat and noone to notice cause I can just flat out lie about what I had. My mum said when I woke up this morning did you only have two bowls of jelly yesterday I said NO and listed off a huge list of things I had, most I hadn't some I had.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another decent-ish day with calories.

Fat Cow.

I am just too, too, too fat! I hate it so much.
Calorie intake is 128 for today. I'm fairly happy with that, although think to myself why couldn't I have just made it a fasting day without being such a fat pig?
I put on 300 grams from my extra bites of pie and brownie last night, hopefully it won't happen again any time soon.

My beautiful dog Emma goes to sleep tomorrow :(

No exercise today cause I'm just a fat lazy cow.

Psychiatrists

I know I should really see my shrink. I've been feeling bad, not leaving the house and the cutting as well but I just can't be bothered. I mean she hasn't changed my thinking in nearly 10 years so what's the point of seeing her?

I'm not sure if it is just my shrink or they all do it but whenever she suggests something like CBT it's about sending me to someone else, nutritionist send me to someone else it's like she doesn't want to do anything and I wonder if they are all like this or it is just mine? Is it because they aren't qualified to do it I know nutrionist is different but can't they do pretty much everything else? Or is it really just medication that they can give you?

I know I need to see her but I won't, not while I'm this fat.

Prada, Prada, Prada.

So my boss took me to Harrods today to buy my leaving present. I got a prada dress, blue that I'm inlove with. A yellow prada handbag, and then blue shoes to go with!
I tried on so much stuff. There were so many things I hated, well not hated the dress hated them on me. I just wanted to break down and cry but I'm just like 'you're with your boss you have to keep it together' I was quite proud I managed to.
I just want to lose some weight and I'm sure it will look even better.

Admitting....

My good intentions of updating my blog every night again sort of went out the window. Not because I've been bad I promise, well not until today. I just couldn't be bothered, I just can't be bothered doing anything. Since my last blog my calories have been in the 500s or 400s until today when I went out to lunch with friends, well actually we went to the markets and apparently had to have lunch too :/ . The only thing I could think about was wanting to throw up, I didn't which made me feel like crap the rest of the day. I'm hoping one day being bad won't do too much damage. I'm still hoping for a loss this week, so fingers crossed.

Got some Paralympics tomorrow YAY! Wheelchair basketball. Aussie vs somebody can't remember but I'm super stoked I finally get to see Australia doing something! I just need to be strong and not eat even if everyone else is, I need to be strong!

Disaster of weekend.

Why do I always have to ruin it with food? I was going so well and then I just have to start stuffing my face.
Had planned to break yesterday but then be on track again today it didn't work at all. But shall be good again tomorrow until next Saturday.

One of my friends was using my ipad today to search for something and my email address was on the page of i_am_2_fat and she was like is this your email address? And I'm just like what? no! my email is blah blah blah, I don't think they bought it, I know they just think I'm a weird fat freak, quite frankly who wouldn't. They are all so funny and just great to be around but I know they think I'm just a fat cow and I think that if I didn't live with one of them they wouldn't really be hanging out with me.

I just feel like cutting.

Don't want to go to work tomorrow, I've just had enough!

Cupcakes will be the death of me.

Flatmate didn't take cupcakes to work and I have just eaten one! GRRRR! I did throw it up but you never get EVERYTHING back up. I'm so annoyed with myself. I was going so well today until I started feeding M his dinner. I was sitting on about 230 cals and then I started having bites of M's dinner and a few bites of his corn etc etc it is amazing how quick little bites add up, no wonder people get fat when they are eating their normal meals and then they have just one or two bites of something here and there and think it doesn't count but when you actually count the calories there are so many in each bite of everything extra.
I do think I'm safe and sound still under 600 calories for the day though. :)

I think I have pretty much decided on moving home. Just need to think about when to hand in my notice.