It's Changing....

It's all changing and I can't stop it. I can see it, see it every time I say something and I know I should stop myself saying it but I'm just so comfortable around him now I can't stop it coming out. He never used to get annoyed. Now he does. Even when he doesn't say anything I can see it all over his face.

Everything that comes out of his mouth I twist around.
He is trying to help but even his help I twist around.
He says he will help me exercise (so you agree I'm a fat pig and need to exercise).
He says I just need to eat healthier (so he thinks I'm fat and disgusting and I don't deserve any treats).
I can't stop doing it, it's driving me even more isane and then I feel so guilty cause it upsets him so I feel even worse.

He deserves so much better than me. Someone who is skinny and sexy and pretty. Someone who isn't as dumb as a post. I just don't know why he is with me.
I don't get it.
And I think it's going to ruin us. But then I don't know if that's all in my head too. 😫😫

The fat doesn't move.

That fat doesn't move, won't disappear and get off my body. I lost 3lbs since I last wrote, what a poor excuse for weight loss!

My current plan to thin is to follow weight watchers. It is a good plan works well when you stick to it and is 'healthy and normal' I'm hoping it will get the binging and purging under control. The minimum points you are allowed in the weight watchers system is 26, which is what you get if you are in a healthy weight range. So I'm not allowed to go over 26, today I've used 16 and I'm done, no more for this fat pig. I just need to be thin and everything will improve.

Work is so stressful at the moment cause I just don't know what is going to happen with it. The family I work for may move out to the country or may not. But if they do, do I want to go (not really but I feel so guilty if I say that) will they stay in London ? There are so many decisions the family need to make and each one has a huge impact on my job and if I like it or hate it. I'm worried and stressed and hating it.

Gah I hate being an adult and all the shit you have to deal with.

Offered my old job back.

My ex boss (from London) rang last night, wants me to go back. She's not happy with the new nanny, as she said it I was super excited, but now the more I think about it the more unsure I am. I don't know what to do.
I know if I stay here, things won't improve, well not for a long while, at least until my shrink talks me into starting the medication she has been trying to convince me to start for the last two sessions. But if I go I won't have my doctor incase things to get even worse than they are now. I have been the worst I have been in years, and I don't know what to do. I'm also confused about the job, my boss mentioned until December that I would come back (for a working holiday I already have booked in) but not sure if it was do that holiday and then go back to London or if it was do holiday then stay in Australia and she'll find someone else. I'm just so confused about everything, and the worst part is I sort of need to give her an answer cause if I want to do it I need to be back in London for the 12th July!!! I will talk to my shrink about it on Monday but if I decide to go that will be my last appointment with her cause then she goes on holiday on the Wednesday.

It would just be so much easier to have none of this, no options. Just easier if I wasn't here.

I'm off.

I'm not sure what the wifi situation is going to be like in Fiji so this will probably be my last blog for a couple of weeks. I've got everything crossed that I don't put on too much weight I'm so scared about it but just need to remember this holiday isn't about me so need to try and keep all my feelings to myself so I don't ruin it for everyone else.

Had the question of how old I was in comments. I'm 26. Very depressing 10 years on and I'm still trying to get rid of this fat that is my body. It's pathetic. I hate it.

The new GP

So saw the new GP this morning, I like her a lot, she seems lovely and very friendly. I gave her my history she seemed concerned that things were coming back I tried to explain that my thoughts/thinking never actually changed but she still seemed concerned. Was weighed and not allowed to look god that hasn't happened in so long!
I got my referral this is what she wrote:

Thank you for seeing ..... , age 25 years, for your opinion and management. On her return from the UK she has had an exacerbation of her eating disorder symptoms, and her mood is becoming lower. She has had thoughts of cutting, and has started purging again. I have started her back on her Pristiq while waiting to see you. Her obs are stable at present and she has no suicidal thoughts.

geez!

So yah sposed to start back on medication, not sure if I will though. I mean seriously I was on medication for years and as I said my thoughts never changed, sure I could function go to work etc but i still had them they just didn't completely take over my life anymore.
She wants me to go back again next week to discuss blood results, I told her I thought they would be normal (which they will be) cause I've been eating like a fat fucking pig for so long they would have to be.

In other news I had a decent day with calories. 226 total probably actually a bit less cause I rounded a few things up. Didn't go to the gym just couldn't be bothered today but did walk around the shopping centre for about 4 hours carrying a baby.

ABCing again.

It's weigh in tomorrow, which I know I am completely screwed for. I'm going to hate it but deal with it.

I'm going to try the ABC diet again. I really need to get myself sorted out or I am going to keep on getting fatter and fatter and fatter. I'm quite excited about it. I'm hoping to do A LOT better than last time I can't remember exactly but I think I made about a week.. I've got it written down in my 'thinspo' notebook so will have to look it up. It was difficult last time just cause I had so much on with travelling for work etc but i don't have that this time so fingers crossed I will do well.

Falling apart!

I feel my mind, myself falling apart more and more each day. I know I should see me dr, but I don't want to while I'm this fat. I lost 1.3kg on Thursday for the weekly weigh in but have since ruined it surprise, surprise. I don't know why if I'm feeling so crap again why I can't just lose more and more and keep it off.

One day I just want to look in the mirror and like what I see, not even like it, just not hate and despise it. It's no wonder I don't have a boyfriend when I look like this, no one is ever going to want me, desire me. I hate myself so much I just want to disappear.

Lost :)

A loss or this week. Not a lot, but considering the crap I've been eating it is a small miracle. So have lost 0.9kg which I know is NOTHING but I'm so relieved I didn't gain again. I want to lose another 3.1 in 2 weeks and one day which is doable but only if I'm really good.

I did not start off my only 2 weeks to lose 3.1 today I am sitting on around 700 (maybe 800 GAH) calories. But now I've got my small goal that I really want to reach I want to try hard. And I'm hoping these diet pills will help on those days that my willpower breaks. I'm not sure they will do all that much as they are sposed to stop you absorbing so much fat and stuff after meals and they say to have them straight after meals and take an extra one if you've had an extra big or fatty meal but my problem isn't the meals. It's the snacks I have throughout the day like the 35 cal biscuits that I nibble on or the bits of M's food when I feed him that is my real downfall which I don't think the tablets will help.

I hears hoping.

I've been throwing up A LOT lately most nights. Need to give it a break, not for my help but that last thing I need is for things to clog up :/

All the boxes to pack up my stuff arrived today. I don't want to move home. I know I've said that before, but I can't tell anyone else, especially my family!

We meet again

Here you are again my friend,

I've missed you.

But I knew, as did you, that you would return to me,

you always do.

Here you are on your hands,

kneeling before me, I am your master.

I see you looking down at your fat,

your fat thighs, your fat stomach,

your rolls upon rolls of flesh.

It makes you want to cry,

and you sit there blubbering away.

It's OK I croon,

your fingers can fix this.

If you had control and power you wouldn't be here with me,

if you didn't break our unwritten law,

I would not have called for you.

YOU ate it, you disgust me,

And you wonder why you're too fat for words.

I don't.

Actually had willpower!

Surprise, surprise today I actually had some willpower. For those of you who didn't just fall off you chair in dis-belief I shall tell you of power I possessed today. So took M for a play at a friends house and her nanny was like 'don't brink lunch for M I'll make them something' so without much hesitation off we went. Only to arrive and see that she had purchased pizza and garlic bread from Tesco (two of my most favourite things to eat). So lets leave out the fact that M isn't even allowed to eat stuff like that, all has to be home made by me. So there he was eating it and there it was smelly so good and Laura kept on offering me some and I kept on saying no, and she kept trying to tempt me. I said no I have some great chicken soup waiting for me when we get back and she said it would have as many calories as pizza and garlic bread. Laughed to myself yah right my 50 calorie soup is as much as pizza!

So any who managed to only have one small bite of M's pizza and one even smaller bite of his garlic bread. I got home to my revolting soup which I crumbled a Melba Toast (worth an entire 13 calories) to make believe I had some tasty croutons in it. I was so proud of myself.

Have stuck to my 300 calorie limit for the day... 299 to be precise. Maybe even a bit less cause I very much overestimated the calories for 2 bites of food, as I didn't want to under estimate and be over my allowance without realizing it.

The bad news of the day is I gained. 300 grams! Which I am not killing myself over as I'm on the ABC and it is giving me hope. Plus I have already lost since the start of this diet yay :) but considering I only lost what I put on the week before it doesn't count.

Am totally set for tomorrows 400 bit concerned about Fridays 100 but I'm sure I'll manage.

Crossing off day 2 :)

Am officially crossing off day two, although to be fair, it isn't much of a challenge at 500 calories I mean really that's a normal days intake. Didn't do any exercise, apart from walking to and from classes with M all day which would easily be about 3-4 miles added up, but that's alright as I'm not focusing on exercise.. do I ever lol. It's all about sticking to the food.

Weigh in tomorrow morning, dreading it!

I don't have an eating disorder.

Did another cupcake course today. Overall I liked it, but I was rubbish at it. I hate being bad at something when everyone else around you is good. Don't mind it if we are all bad, well I do but not as much.

Start the ABC diet tomorrow. I was so excited about it but now I'm just depressed again - it's all I seem to be lately. I was so positive about it that I am finally going to get rid of this fat that is engulfing my body. I just need to get in that positive frame of mind again. I'm on my own but I can do this! No one thinks I'm serious but I can do it.

Whenever I lose any weight my mum is like 'now don't do anything stupid, you don't want to go back where you were'. The thing is I never left. I got fat. I hate people saying 'you've come so far' I feel like screaming at them I haven't, I haven't! Nothings changed apart from me being fat. I hate it, I absolutely despise it.

I'm going to kick off the ABC diet with taking some laxatives tonight.


I don't have an eating disorder:
I'm too fat.

Pitiful weight loss.

What a sorry excuse I had for weight loss this week. 0.9kg, really that's just pathetic. But of course loosing so little I don't take the logical step, well logical in my world, and eat even less nooooo big fat obese me eats more! I was snacking all day I just couldn't stop. And I wonder why I'm so fat! huh!

I've just seen someone post the ABC diet on their blog, which I have seen someone write about before but never really given it much attention but thinking of giving it a go. I just don't know how it will work out with Norway, I could possibly start it when I get back but that seems so long away! Will have to give it some thought. Has anyone ever done it, if you muck up a day by having too many calories do you then just go on with it the next day or do you have to start again? This is it:

My old crush accepted my friend request on facebook, to be honest I actually forgot I had added him again. I also can't remember who deleted who. I do quite a lot of friend culling on there (I go through phases) but I have a feeling he might of deleted me. We have known eachother since primary school where he liked me for years he moved away to go to boarding school and we wrote to each other constantly and we were going to "go out" but then I was put into hospital for the first time and although he came to visit me we sort of just remained friends. He seems to start talking to me every time he breaks up with a girlfriend. I don't think I liked him all that much to be honest, more the thought back then of someone liking ME!

Anyway off to bed, babysitting late tonight as my boss went out to dinner and got early start tomorrow, oh the joy!

Strained neck.

Do you think you can strain your neck while vomiting? Cause I may have just done so. Cause it bloody hurts. I guess it serves me right for me such a fat, disgusting pig.

I was going fairly well up until after work when I went to this group, sort of women's group, what is the name of that movie where the women's group does a naked calender for fundraising? Anyway like that. My flatmate wanted me to go along so did and they served cake! Fuck me! It wasn't even worth breaking for, it was lemon, which isn't disgusting but soo not something I was choose to break my diet over. AND then flatmate asks did I have dinner! Thinking I was completely safe as this meeting didn't finish till 9:30 and we both have to work early in the morning I said I hadn't so then went for fish and chips... which is the long tale of why I actually strained my neck throwing up. I know I wouldn't have got it ALL cause I was trying to be quiet and quick, a disaster combination for a bulimic who's only aim is to bring all the food back up but alas I did not and now have an injury to boot. Fingers crossed that I got most of it up though.

And what's even worse? Is I did all of this the night before  I weigh in. I'm totally screwed! Even if I had lost some I would have put it all back on.

A new week.

A new week and a bad start, I had a sneaky weigh this morning at work and have gained :( I know I was bad over the weekend but thought the really low calories 5 days prior would help even that out. I'm not too stressed, well I am but trying not to be, as it was on different scales so fingers crossed they are wrong.

Today's intake was approx 311. I really need to stop taking bites of M's food cause that is what is making my intake go so high.

The last few weeks I have been helping my boss put together a lot of figures on what she spends each month and through out the year to give to the lawyers (possible divorce looming) but anyway tonight I finally finished it, god it's depressing that I have to work for over 7 years to earn what she SPENDS in 1 year, 7 years!

I wish I had money, money and thinness then I would be happy. Actually I think I would just settle for thin.

Wouldn't we all. lol.

463 calories

I have disappointed myself yet again, surprise, surprise. It is no wonder I am such a fat, ugly disgusting pig. I woke up today feeling much better than yesterday with intentions of sticking in the 200s but noooo big fat me was just too greedy and went to a total of 463 calories. I just couldn't stop eating! I am never going to get thin at this rate.

I'm breaking tomorrow, which I had planned all week but as it looms closer I am feeling worse and worse about it and if I could pull out I would. But with the goal of my flat mate and few friends I have here not thinking I am completely weird (more so than I'm sure they already do) I have to go along.

It comforts me very little knowing that for the past 5 days I have eaten the amount of calories a 'normal, healthy' women would eat in a day. Very little cause I could be eating so much less.

I'm starting to worry about the next trip Norway. We will be on their island where I will have absolutely no excuses I can't say I ate cause they will know I haven't. And we'll be there for 3 weeks, I'm absolutely dreading it. Not just the food. But these people think it will be great fun and so relaxing. Yah for them! They aren't the ones that look after their child that would be ME! I'm the one that will have no classes to take him to and nowhere to go, we can't even go for walk cause most of it is too rocky and steep for him. I'm the one that will have to watch him 24/7 so he doesn't fall off the cliff. Wish I could just stay in London.

Caking again tomorrow... am making a 3D handbag.

Inspiration for the weekend

All I want is to be thin, why is that too much to ask? Why can't I have it?

Nearly the weekend :)

Thank goodness it is nearly the weekend! I'm over it!

I'm so disappointed in myself today I had about 463 calories, I feel like such a fat pig, it's double what I had the two days before! I woke up just feeling like crap, just sick and light headed and I felt I needed food. I had a piece of toast and orange juice instead of just my small apple then I had some cupcake, I just really felt like I needed sugar. Felt marginally better but not much so maybe I didn't need food after all.

Lost some... finally!

As the title suggests I have finally lost some! Doesn't really count as it is only weight that I put on on my holiday but at least it went down. I lost 1.4kg so that's a start.
Was surprisingly good again today total was approx 267 cals. I quite like being in the 200s it feels like a good number and definitely not where near the 600 max that was my goal for this week. So only 2 more days until I can break on Saturday and am hoping that I have enough willpower to start again on Sunday properly until the next Saturday when I have a lunch. Things might get a bit tricky after that as probably going to Norway but not sure of dates yet all very complicated.

I will be thin soon!

232 calories for today!! Excited. I haven't been this good in ages, weigh in tomorrow I don't think I will have done that well as I haven't been good ALL week  but it's a start. I've decided (don't know how well it's going to work) to not stress out when I haven't lost a lot. As long as the scales are going down that's all that matters, it's all I need. As long as they are going down I will get thin.

Told my boss today that was 95% sure I'm moving home, I think. lol. Was doing lots of research and to do a bit of travel before is bloody expensive not even a huge trip just a 20 day tour. But there is so much stuff I want to do and buy before I go home that I don't think will be possible as I will run out of money... and I refuse to spend savings unless I am absolutely desperate.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow is as good as today!