Weekly Weigh In

So today being Wednesday it is my weigh day. I lost 1.6kg (3.5lbs) not as good as last week but better than nothing. I am wondering how this week is going to go without me exercising, cause this last week I still had quite a few walks to work and boot camp and a gym session so I'm very interested to see how much I lose without all that, if it isn't a lot I might have to go back to walking AND the gym for a week or so until the engagement party to see if I can lose a few more.

My head seems to be in the right spot at the moment, I'm loving losing weight again, I know I have such a long way to go before I'm actually thin but I'm on my way and as long as the scales keep going down every week if if they only go down a tiny bit all the tiny bits will eventually add up.

I'm still hoping to fast this weekend, even if I don't manage it I will still keep under my 600 calories. Total for today was 577, it's creeping up so better be careful.

Gained again :(

WTF?!?!
How can I have gained 1.8kg in 1 week? How does that happen? How does ANYONE gain that much in 1 week. My only thought is maybe I didn't gain THAT much, I know I gained but maybe since I'm back on my London scales and not the ones in Norway?? PLEASE LET THAT BE IT!!

Finally had a decent day eating wise.
Also walked to work again so that's another 2 hours of exercise my feet are sore I've got some huge blisters happening.

Breakfast: Apple = 72 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks 108 calories

Dinner: Chicken Soup = 204 calories

Snacks: A few bites of M's french toast = 25 calories

1/2 Mini Pita Bread = 23 calories

OJ = 27 calories

Total = 459 calories

I found what really helped today is going out and buying a few cans of soup to have this week. Normally I say to myself I will do breakfast and lunch and try not to eat again or I will have an apple that clearly wasn't working for me cause I would just eat everything in site. But knowing that I had a bowl of soup coming at dinner time really helped me not eat in the late afternoon and then not eat now that I am home cause I know I've had dinner.

Fingers crossed for a day like this tomorrow!

100 Days

Ok. I would like to thank Skinny Student for the idea as she is my inspiration for this and hopefully her progress with also push me to stick to things too!

I'm back in London and my 100 day challenge begins. It officially finishes on  23rd July but that's a Monday and since I weigh in on a Wednesday I am going to finish it on the 25th July. The main goal is to lose weight but as I said in a previous post I have other things (I've written a list) that I want to do within that 100 days as well.
"Skinny Student" has put 45lbs as her weight loss in the 100 days I am not putting anything near that as much as I very very much wish I could lose that much I don't think I can in 100 days, and in my current frame of mind I'm just not strong enough to do it. I have been VERY realistic with my goals as I don't think I can handle to not reach them at the moment.

My main number 1 goal is to lose 10kg (22lbs) in the 15 weeks. This is very doable, technically more is doable but for 3 of the 15 weeks I assume I won't lose anything (might even put on) as I will be in the presence of my sister :/ so that is why I haven't put a huge weight loss goal down.

The following are my goals, in no particular order, would just like to do them all in the 100 days, some I have already planned but since I am terrible at cancelling anything social that involves me going out I have kept them as goals. I thought I would keep my blog going as normal but maybe every 20 days I would write this same list and cross anything off that I've done.

• Lose 10kg (22lbs)
• Walk to work for 2 weeks
• Do my Couch to 5k app and get past half way this time (although hopefully more)
• Sort out part 1 of my sisters engagement present
• Keep to a max. of 600 calories a day for 2 weeks (again would hope to go longer but 2 weeks is my official goal)
• Fly home for engagement party AND keep it a secret
• Go to the Harry Potter Studio Tour
• Buy dress for engagement party
• Work out how to do other pages/tabs for blog
• Buy myself a pandora charm for being 1 year in london
• Save 2000 pounds
• Go to the theatre
• Do more cake decorating courses
• Holiday to Eastern Europe
• Get cover for Ipad
• Sort out Harry Potter Lego
• Pack away winter clothes and sort out summer clothes
• Read 5 books
• Buy something for my sisters baby (when she hits 12 weeks)
• Try and meet more people in London

So that's it so far. Wish me luck! Some of them I have to start straight away like walking to work I can obviously only do when we are in London as I'm live in when we are in Norway.

Very excited!

Failure!

Yet again I have failed. No big surprise there really is it.

After I finished writing last night I was so hungry and unfortunately in the kitchen when dinner was being served to everyone, and the smell did me no favours so I ended up have a piece of toast and a sausage then after that I thought fuck it I've just completely ruined the day even more so why not keep eating and then I had a piece of chocolate cake and some vanilla ice cream. I went straight down stairs and threw it all up.

As I said last night I was going to try and fast today.. which is why the title of this post if failure. I only made it till 2pm when I had my Snack a Jacks (108 calories), toast (80 calories) then 3 chocolate biscuits (370 calories) GRRR! I went and did my 100 laps in the pool to stop me eating anymore.

Why do I have to be such a fat pig with no willpower?! I used to be good, it used to be no effort at all to go 5-10 days fasting, I wish I was back there.

I actually have some followers YAY! Welcome. I am hoping that my first followers will keep me on track.

I promise I will be thin! I start tomorrow (again.. I think I say that to myself like everyday) but with you out there reading you will keep me strong. I can do this. I'm not going to try and fast again for awhile... clearly it didn't go well today. I'm just going to keep what I've been doing the last few weeks and keep on track. It will eventually come off.

Stupid fat cow!!!

They are the only words to describe myself at the moment. All day I was resisting that stupid chocolate cake, but did  I have the willpower to do it until I went to be tonight noooooooooo! I feel so disgusting, I can already feel myself growing. I've GOT to stop!
I do this all the time, I want to reach a goal like being good and loosing as much weight as possible for the 7 weeks until I fly home and then I just can't do it. But I've got to! I can't be this fat. I just can't. I hate every minute of it.

I wonder if there are people in the world that really and truly like the way they look. Surely there are. I can't imagine it ever happening to me though. I have supposedly been 'recovered' for like 8 years, yes my body is a complete fat blob but I have never changed my thinking from when I was being put into hospital again and again. I have always thought I was a fat ugly cow, always cried when I looked in the mirror (now I just avoid looking at them), I always want to lose weight and seem to be starting a new diet... the only thing that has changed is my weight, I haven't got to that supposedly dangerously low weight again in 8 years and it makes me feel revolting and awful.

It will be different this time, I know it will. I will be thin and I will like what I see. I just need to lose this fat that I have engulfing my body wanting me to drown.

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: well not dinner cause I'm too fucking fat to wait that long but I'm not eating for the rest of the day so I'm putting it as dinner. Toast, slice of chocolate cake and bowl of chocolate icecream = TO FUCKING MANY CALORIES TO COUNT

Total: Probably a good 1000 calories (god I pray it isn't anymore!)

How am I ever going to lose weight if I eat like this? Why can't I just be strong? I promise I will be good tomorrow!

Fat is disgusting!

I hate the word fat, I think it if the worse thing to be called, worse than slut, c*nt, whore worse than everything... does that make me weird? I get so angry when my sisters call someone in the street fat, or say rude things about them because of their size and what they are wearing. They tell me to shut up that is what everyone does. I know that. I know that's how everyone thinks, that why I do what I do. Cause I know when people look at me they think I am fat and disgusting. I know when people see me they laugh and say how ugly I am. I just want to be difference, I want to be pretty and wanted. I want to be thin.

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: none = 0 calories

Snacks: chicken balls = 200 calories?

Total = 388 calories

I am such a fat big was! I was making a batch of chicken balls for M to put in the freezer and big fat me couldn't stop eating them. I think it was more just over 100 calories but have put 200 cause I want to be safe with my count. Didn't have dinner cause I had been such a pig!

Only 1.5 more days till way in, I'm stressing. I HATE not having the same scales. What if I've put on weight? What if I've lost weight but I haven't really lost weight cause it's just cause the scales are different?

I need to drink loads more water, my skin is so dry! It always is when we come to the house in Oslo but this time it is so much worse.

Going to try and be stronger tomorrow. It's times like this when I wish people, well not even people just someone read this to help me keep going and be strong.

Feeding Frenzy

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! This is what I do. I am so good until I have to break and then I just can't stop eating. I have eaten pretty much everything in site today, I feel disgusting.

I start again tomorrow. I won't be able to go as good as I was last week cause I'll be in Norway for work with a boss that insists everyone sit down for a family dinner. Very annoying. But I am hoping to have apple for breakfast and lunch and then a chicken wrap for dinner which I can do every night cause she knows I'm a very fussy eater. So even eating all that it should still bring me under 800 calories a day plus with the indoor swimming pool I will be exercising EVERY night which I wasn't doing last week so maybe it won't be so bad.  Fingers crossed anyway.

Hopefully over the weekend I will be able to blog lots of thinspo cause I'm taking my laptop with me, hopefully it will connect to the internet, it didn't last time.

I'm going to be strong... my goal for the 2 weeks I'm away is to be strong, not perfect but strong. I know I can do it. And I think knowing I am going to write about it on here will help, even though no one is reading one day someone might and knowing that it will keep me on track.

I will be strong!