Instagram.

Last night I  made a new account on instagram for my ana self and just stuff that I can't post on my regular account so if you want to follow me I'm life_with_anorexia_take2 I don't have many photos up there yet but will get more things going up soon.

Today was not amazing I did a 17km walk with only a tiny bit of running, I was going so slow by the end cause my legs and knee were just so sore, I just wanted to lay down and die, had to make it back to the car though. I only burnt 1081 with the slow pace I had to keep up but it's better than nothing. Sort of ruined it with food tonight as well and had some of the kids nachos, just picked at theirs not my own serve but was something that wasn't planned which is annoying. Daily intake was net -660 ate 421 BLAH!

After just over two weeks of not cutting, wanting to but resisting, I cut this morning, I was just so frustrated with everything.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

100+ followers

Woo hoo over 100 followers, I can't tell you how excited I am, I want more though. I hope I don't bore you all too much and thanks for all the comments, I never reply in the comment section (I'm too lazy) but I do read them all would answer any questions in a post.

Things went down hill was vomitting every day last week, which I hate doing, it has always been a back up in emergencies, I have been relying on it too much so am trying hard to stop - 2 days clear so far.

I've also been cutting for the last three days, which makes me feel a lot better but quite frankly I am fucking ugly enough without adding even more scars to my body so I've really got to stop that too!

My exercise isn't going as well as it was last week, my knee is just killing me some days, I do still walk my 10k but not burning anywhere near the amound of calories I need/want to so may have to start going back to the gym on top of that.

I see my shrink on Friday. I still feel bad about her going into the office on her day off. I honestly don't know why I'm bothering it has never helped. My friend thinks I should try somebody new that she must be rubbish but she is supposed to be one of the best in Brisbane, I think it's more me, I don't really talk to her, I don't let her in, so really I'm just wasting her time which I feel bad about.

I'm starting to worry about Fiji! It will involve a lot of buffets and me and buffets are not friends! I go in there saying I'm not going to eat much but then ofcourse I stuff my fat face and ruin everything. I really don't want to undo the hard work I've done so far, although I do have exactly a month when we get back to lose as much as possible before the next big family event (nephew's christening).

Distracting myself

I'm posting early tonight to try and stop myself putting anything else into my fat disgusting mouth, I'm hoping if I post my intake for the day I will feel too embarrassed to have to come back and change it so won't eat anything else :) I lost control with a box of Jatz biscuits so it is higher than what I wanted but a step back in the right direction and tomorrow will be better.

Breakfast:  Grapes - 62
Lunch: Chicken Wrap - 128
Dinner: Pumpkin Soup - 108
Snacks: Jelly (16), Minties (75), Potato Stix (48), Jatz Biscuits (176) - 316

Total: 614 calories disgusting but will improve tomorrow!

I don't generally work in net amounts but I'm getting a bit desperate with 3 weeks to go until I have to look half decent in a bridesmaid's dress so I want to make sure I work off everything I eat for the next few weeks at least.

My sister gave me a new good heart rate monitor for my birthday last week which tells me exactly how many calories I'm burning :)! Exercise for today was 10km (was more 11 or 12 as I did extra at the end) walk/run which burnt 787 then swimming which burnt 327 to total 1114 burnt.

Net intake: - 500

That's not too shabby, I aim to do better tomorrow which is doable if I stay away from the jatz biscuits. Figners crossed the the rain stops for tomorrow so I can get my run in!

Easter is Evil

Easter is well and truly fucking evil, well what we have turned it into anyway.
So yet another day is ruined.

It is only three weeks until my sisters wedding!

Tomorrow I'm going to write down on this blog every single thing that passes my lips and every tiny bit of exercise I do, I need to be held accountable for what I am eating and this is the only way I know how. It worked quite well when I first started this blog so I am going to do it again and hope it works even better.

Todays Intake

So I'm still going along on the ABC diet. I've been reading a lot about it and other people who have done it and all seem to have their own versions, I think I'm just doing the standard one. All seem to be on the same change about being able to change the days around a bit though which is what I did today. So instead of a 200 cal day today I had my 300 day one and will do the 200 one tomorrow. Ended today on 253. I'm not holding high hopes on a loss overnight cause I had to work I didn't get to do my 10k walk which I think is going to have a big impact on my loss (or lack there of) I was on my feet all day though so hopefully it won't be too bad.
The last time I attempted this diet this is the last day I have marked off so obviously ruined it on the 7th day so don't want to do that this time so if I make it through tomorrow it will be good, am actually hoping to make it a lot longer than that though!

GAH weigh in tomorrow AND the next day :/

The new GP

So saw the new GP this morning, I like her a lot, she seems lovely and very friendly. I gave her my history she seemed concerned that things were coming back I tried to explain that my thoughts/thinking never actually changed but she still seemed concerned. Was weighed and not allowed to look god that hasn't happened in so long!
I got my referral this is what she wrote:

Thank you for seeing ..... , age 25 years, for your opinion and management. On her return from the UK she has had an exacerbation of her eating disorder symptoms, and her mood is becoming lower. She has had thoughts of cutting, and has started purging again. I have started her back on her Pristiq while waiting to see you. Her obs are stable at present and she has no suicidal thoughts.

geez!

So yah sposed to start back on medication, not sure if I will though. I mean seriously I was on medication for years and as I said my thoughts never changed, sure I could function go to work etc but i still had them they just didn't completely take over my life anymore.
She wants me to go back again next week to discuss blood results, I told her I thought they would be normal (which they will be) cause I've been eating like a fat fucking pig for so long they would have to be.

In other news I had a decent day with calories. 226 total probably actually a bit less cause I rounded a few things up. Didn't go to the gym just couldn't be bothered today but did walk around the shopping centre for about 4 hours carrying a baby.

Admitting....

My good intentions of updating my blog every night again sort of went out the window. Not because I've been bad I promise, well not until today. I just couldn't be bothered, I just can't be bothered doing anything. Since my last blog my calories have been in the 500s or 400s until today when I went out to lunch with friends, well actually we went to the markets and apparently had to have lunch too :/ . The only thing I could think about was wanting to throw up, I didn't which made me feel like crap the rest of the day. I'm hoping one day being bad won't do too much damage. I'm still hoping for a loss this week, so fingers crossed.

Got some Paralympics tomorrow YAY! Wheelchair basketball. Aussie vs somebody can't remember but I'm super stoked I finally get to see Australia doing something! I just need to be strong and not eat even if everyone else is, I need to be strong!

FUCK!

I swear my mother has a sixth sense for when I'm doing well on a diet and BANG that's when the care parcel arrives. Fuck me! Full of food that I love from back home so I haven't had it in ages. I tried to be strong I really did. And I was going so well it was 6pm and had only had 345 calories for the day. But I royally screwed up. In went chocolate after chocolate after chocolate and then some chips. I tried to throw up afterwards but since I hadn't planned on having a binge and thought I might actually have some self control I wasn't drink while I was eating which means I didn't bring much up at all.

I'm gutted.

I was going to have the day off the gym tomorrow, but now I'll have to do extra in the hopes I can be forgiven by Wednesday weigh in. Fingers crossed if I'm good the rest of the week the scales won't go up. PLEASE don't let them go up.

Off to Norway

Off to Norway in the morning BLAH! All I can think about is how hard it is going to be to restrict. It's not that I care what she thinks of me I just don't want the awkward questions.

Had a complete disaster of a day yesterday. I got to late afternoon and then had a complete binge, I did throw up but you never get it all up. So annoying I was doing so well. I did think of starting over again but I don't deserve that. After the revolting binge I deserve to get to the end of the diet and not be able to say I've done it, that's my punishment. And I then I might even have to do it again.
Although YAY for baby steps. Normally I binge and either ruin and get depressed so binge again for a few days or just not binge but just eat whatever. This time I binged and I have got straight back on track.

It's weigh in tomorrow. AHHHHHHHHH! Have to do it a day early cause we will be in Oslo. I'm hoping my binge wasn't bad enough that I've gained. Will be doing a lot of short weigh ins unfortunately. Next week will be a Monday,  then Monday then hopefully back to Wednesdays.

Fingers crossed.

Trying to prevent a binge!

I have spent the entire day, pretty much, in bed trying not to eat. I have stuck to my 200 calories for today, had a total of 182. But all day I have just wanted to order a pizza with a garlic crust, and down a tub of ice cream and eat chocolate cake and just eat tasty fattening food. I have resisted though which is good.

Nothing else to write, as I've done nothing today. Am off to watch more Dexter to keep me out of the kitchen until bedtime.

Finally good day.

So restarted the ABC diet today, after my massive failure yesterday :/ and went really well. So was my 500 calorie day and had 454, plus I walked to work so really my net (which I don't count in AT ALL) is 104 so not too shabby at all. Didn't quite make it the entire way to work, only 1.5 hrs, I must have been walking slower than usual cause I only had 30 mins left for a 35 - 40 minute walk so hopped a bus most of the way then walked again at the end which got me there on time.

Two of the children we went for play dates last week have come out in chicken pox... is it bad that I am hoping M gets it so we don't have to fly? lol.

Today's success has really put me in a good mind for tomorrow. Just need to do the same cause it's a 500 day again.

Not looking forward to weigh in on Wednesday morning, I know I've gained I've been awful this week.

Ruined it.

Well surprise, surprise, I ruined it! I can't do anything right. But I will be starting the ABC diet tomorrow AND sticking to it. Went to the shops and got lots of different low calories foods so I am all set. I have also written it in my thinspiration book so I can't not do it cause then I would have ruined the entire book.

It sort of works out a bit better this way to. On the day I will be flying it will be about a 400 cal day (can't quite remember) which means I can eat something on the plane and then fast the next day where I can say I feel a bit ill or not that hungry and then the next day I fly out so even if she says something it will only be for one day. I come back for the weekend and have to get through 5 days with out too many questions before I fly back again. So hopefully it will work.. I just need to get my fat ass into gear and have some willpower.

I'm working to work again this week. Hopefully will help me stick to the diet even more. Everybody I tell that I'm working to work, which takes 2 hours, says I'm absolutely crazy and to stop doing it. Not my boss though she thinks it's good and when I don't do it says I should be. I wonder if she just doesn't want to employ my fat ass and wants me to lose weight.

Disaster of weekend.

Why do I always have to ruin it with food? I was going so well and then I just have to start stuffing my face.
Had planned to break yesterday but then be on track again today it didn't work at all. But shall be good again tomorrow until next Saturday.

One of my friends was using my ipad today to search for something and my email address was on the page of i_am_2_fat and she was like is this your email address? And I'm just like what? no! my email is blah blah blah, I don't think they bought it, I know they just think I'm a weird fat freak, quite frankly who wouldn't. They are all so funny and just great to be around but I know they think I'm just a fat cow and I think that if I didn't live with one of them they wouldn't really be hanging out with me.

I just feel like cutting.

Don't want to go to work tomorrow, I've just had enough!

Nearly the weekend :)

Thank goodness it is nearly the weekend! I'm over it!

I'm so disappointed in myself today I had about 463 calories, I feel like such a fat pig, it's double what I had the two days before! I woke up just feeling like crap, just sick and light headed and I felt I needed food. I had a piece of toast and orange juice instead of just my small apple then I had some cupcake, I just really felt like I needed sugar. Felt marginally better but not much so maybe I didn't need food after all.

Lost some... finally!

As the title suggests I have finally lost some! Doesn't really count as it is only weight that I put on on my holiday but at least it went down. I lost 1.4kg so that's a start.
Was surprisingly good again today total was approx 267 cals. I quite like being in the 200s it feels like a good number and definitely not where near the 600 max that was my goal for this week. So only 2 more days until I can break on Saturday and am hoping that I have enough willpower to start again on Sunday properly until the next Saturday when I have a lunch. Things might get a bit tricky after that as probably going to Norway but not sure of dates yet all very complicated.