The fat doesn't move.

That fat doesn't move, won't disappear and get off my body. I lost 3lbs since I last wrote, what a poor excuse for weight loss!

My current plan to thin is to follow weight watchers. It is a good plan works well when you stick to it and is 'healthy and normal' I'm hoping it will get the binging and purging under control. The minimum points you are allowed in the weight watchers system is 26, which is what you get if you are in a healthy weight range. So I'm not allowed to go over 26, today I've used 16 and I'm done, no more for this fat pig. I just need to be thin and everything will improve.

Work is so stressful at the moment cause I just don't know what is going to happen with it. The family I work for may move out to the country or may not. But if they do, do I want to go (not really but I feel so guilty if I say that) will they stay in London ? There are so many decisions the family need to make and each one has a huge impact on my job and if I like it or hate it. I'm worried and stressed and hating it.

Gah I hate being an adult and all the shit you have to deal with.

Too Fat, Too Fat, Too Fat!

Falling down again. I'm not sure what has changed... well lots has changed but I'm not sure what has given me that shove, a shove that I seem to be welcoming back with open arms.

For the last week I have been throwing up every day, sometimes twice, today was the only binge other times I just thought the meal was too much. It's funny how things slip back into place so easily.
I've been cutting a lot more as well, the release is just like it used to be, not as good, but still there.
I do want to stop the vomiting and the only way to do that is to restrict. I need that addictive, amazing high now and that is the only other way I know to get it.

I haven't written in so long. I've slipped back into work and London life like I never left. I'm not enjoying work much at the moment at all, a lot of travel involved and it is very stressful.
The major thing that has changed is I'm no longer a virgin... not quite sure if I ever admitted that on here, but since no one will ever know about this I think it is ok to write. I'm falling for this guy well and truly but it's only a matter of time before he sees the true me and ditches me, it will never last. Maybe if I lose some weight I will be able to keep for just a little bit longer.

For a while now everything has been going a long ok. I can't say I have ever forgotten about that fat that engulfs my body but being at the high end of normal weight didn't plague me day to day. No that's a lie it did but I got distracted by other things which made me stay this disgusting, hideous weight. It won't be with me for much longer!

Watch me Shrink

I haven't done a blog in such a long time, life has been very busy, mostly fun, lots of adventures and distractions but with that came a lot of weight gain. And I really can't stand it anymore. The last straight was going out for my birthday last night and my favourite dress was tight I was mortified and nearly broke down crying but obviously had to keep it together so my friends don't think I'm completely crazy. So it starts again, my blog, my diets, my weighing, my shrinking....

I will hopefully be getting more time over the next two weeks to blog before I have to go away for a week for work. So my diet needs to be perfect for two weeks to hopefully maintain for the week I'm away and then continue losing again on return.

I am considering posting my weight as an extreme measure of just how disgusting I have got and so I can show everyone the numbers going down down down but I'm not sure if I'm brave enough cause it is the most I've been in such a long time. We will see.

Off for a run and need to take my measurement :(

Stay strong.

3 months down

So I've been back in London for just over three months. All started out great, it cut out my pretty much daily cutting and vomiting out cause I just couldn't do it ( work was busy, plus I'm a live in nanny nada we travel a lot and I could never expose the children to that if for some crazy reason they happened to find out. So it was brilliant for about a month, now it's going down hill again. Nothing has changed, just my thinking. I've started cutting again, although not nearly as much as I feel the need to.

I've hit very annoying maintaining with my weight. I put on when I came over then got myself under control and am smaller than when I left Australia but now I'm staying the same (this week I think I've gained but too scared to look). The last few weeks I can't stop eating, I hate it and it makes me want to cut even more. I'm so close to my first goal weight I just don't want to ruin it, but the fat failure that I am I probably will. I get officially weighed on Wednesday so now where I sit, hopefully I haven't gained but will get back on track and lose lose lose!

I just want to cry when I look in the mirror, well not even look in the mirror just when the thought of me crosses my mind.

I hate it! I hate me so so much!

Packing

So I've just started packing and is always the way with me I've got way to much crap that I want to take with me. I'm finding it quite stressful trying to take things out cause I can't afford to buy lots of new stuff as soon as I get there so sort of need it all. There are of course a few things I've already put back in the cupboard knowing my boss would think they are awful, even though I love them! She's big into fashion, buys the most expensive clothes and I just know I won't be able to cope with the comments in the frame of mind I'm in at the moment.

I'm getting more and more anxious about not having scales with me. I won't be able to see it going on (if it does, hopefully it won't!) I won't be able to check each day and by the time my clothes start getting tight it's too late I'm already fat, it is really freaking me out, I can't stop thinking about it and I can't talk to anyone about it cause they will just laugh at me.

A few people in one of my posts suggested that I see/talk to someone in London. My shrink does actually want me to do this but it isn't really possible. She doesn't know anyone over there to recommend, which isn't a bad thing would be happy to find my own but since I work 7am - 7pm  Monday - Friday there isn't really a chance for me to see anyone. There were a couple of people I was looking up that do evening sessions but I'm assuming evening sessions would finish at around 6:30 and I wouldn't be able to get to anyone until 7:30 at the absolute earliest - and that's if they are really close, so I might just have to try and keep myself sane hahaha yep I'm laughing at that too!

Moving back to London

It is official I'm going back to London until early December. My shrink thought it was a very good idea, well she wanted me back in September to do some 'intensive therapy' but December isn't that much longer.

I'm so worried. I'm worried that without supervision my weight will drop very fast, which I would love! I'm also scared it will go the opposite way, I gained so much when I was in London before and I'm very anxious about this happening again. I'm anxious about everything, life in general, which I've never really had and I just can't seem to shake it.

I'm going to miss my nephew so much! He's 7 months old and this next 6 months is going to be massive in his development and I'm going to miss it all! I'm also going to come back and he will have no idea who I am.
I'm going to miss 'my children' the 5 I used to nanny for and are like my other family.

I don't want to go, but I do want to go. I just don't know what I want from my life, I don't think it will ever amount to anything.

Offered my old job back.

My ex boss (from London) rang last night, wants me to go back. She's not happy with the new nanny, as she said it I was super excited, but now the more I think about it the more unsure I am. I don't know what to do.
I know if I stay here, things won't improve, well not for a long while, at least until my shrink talks me into starting the medication she has been trying to convince me to start for the last two sessions. But if I go I won't have my doctor incase things to get even worse than they are now. I have been the worst I have been in years, and I don't know what to do. I'm also confused about the job, my boss mentioned until December that I would come back (for a working holiday I already have booked in) but not sure if it was do that holiday and then go back to London or if it was do holiday then stay in Australia and she'll find someone else. I'm just so confused about everything, and the worst part is I sort of need to give her an answer cause if I want to do it I need to be back in London for the 12th July!!! I will talk to my shrink about it on Monday but if I decide to go that will be my last appointment with her cause then she goes on holiday on the Wednesday.

It would just be so much easier to have none of this, no options. Just easier if I wasn't here.

Giving up laxatives!

I really need to remember why I started this blog (how many times have I said that?) I started it to keep myself honest to track my progress and to get all this shit out of my head and I need to get back to that. Things are just out of control with my eating. My goal this week is to give up laxatives, I'm using them more and have to take more and more each time to get them to work, so what I want to do is to STOP. Take them at the absolute most once a week instead of the nearly every day I've been doing for the last month. I need to do this or I am going to screw up my body, well more so than it already is.

I'm also going back to writing everything down for my daily intake. I decided about a month ago (ish) to work in net which I never did before but I quite like it.

Breakfast: nothing (0)

Lunch: nothing (0)

Dinner: nothing (0)

Snacks: nothing (0)

Exercise: 1hr on treadmill walking/running and 15 mins on bike (616)

Total: -616

Blogs Disappeared!

I've just logged in, after quite a while to see that all the blogs I have been following are no longer on my list. It now just says you are not following any blogs click the add button to add to your reading list. WTF! I don't even know what half of my favourite ones were called, I didn't need to know cause they were in my list. You have no idea how annoyed I am.

Things haven't been amazing hence not writing for so long, I honestly just can't be bothered doing anything. My days involve watching numerous dvds and pretty much not leaving the couch. I'm cutting more, I'm attempting to fast, every time I break it I throw it up and start again.

I'm sick of stupid comments from my family, I get looks when I put toast in the toaster 'what are you doing? why are you breaking so badly tonight?' I feel like screaming I have not touched one calorie for 2 days and I'm going to throw this up anyway but I don't, it just means I'm doing my job and hiding it will that they don't know I haven't kept anything down for nearly a week.

I'm working tomorrow and Saturday, I don't want to, which is a worry cause I love work and am working for my favourite family. But as I said I'm just over it, over every fucking thing.

Fasting.

26 hours down. I've had 3.5 calories which was my one can of sprite zero and then just lots of water, not enough water so really need to drink more tomorrow. I don't have a set number of days I want to fast for, just go until I start feeling bad and can't do it anymore. That may be finishing tomorrow, it may be next week who knows. As long as I can get away with it.

Have GP tomorrow for my knee, after the stupid thing hurting so much for months i went running today and it didn't hurt too much at all, how annoying,  I'll still go and see what she says about it.

Off to bed sooo very tired.

Instagram.

Last night I  made a new account on instagram for my ana self and just stuff that I can't post on my regular account so if you want to follow me I'm life_with_anorexia_take2 I don't have many photos up there yet but will get more things going up soon.

Today was not amazing I did a 17km walk with only a tiny bit of running, I was going so slow by the end cause my legs and knee were just so sore, I just wanted to lay down and die, had to make it back to the car though. I only burnt 1081 with the slow pace I had to keep up but it's better than nothing. Sort of ruined it with food tonight as well and had some of the kids nachos, just picked at theirs not my own serve but was something that wasn't planned which is annoying. Daily intake was net -660 ate 421 BLAH!

After just over two weeks of not cutting, wanting to but resisting, I cut this morning, I was just so frustrated with everything.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Home

Home from Fiji. The trip was alright, I ate too much, put on A LOT of weight but now I'm home and getting rid of it again. Lost 1.2kg in the 2 days I've been home so all I need to do is keep going. I can't be this fat forever.

I didn't exercise when we were away so that was like a two week break on my knee but 5 mins into my run yesterday and it was hurting again. grrr! I suppose I should get it checked out. I'm running again today, I'll just have to suck it up.

I was going to post a photo but after seeing some go up on facebook I am to mortified to do it fingers crossed the professional ones are better.

100+ followers

Woo hoo over 100 followers, I can't tell you how excited I am, I want more though. I hope I don't bore you all too much and thanks for all the comments, I never reply in the comment section (I'm too lazy) but I do read them all would answer any questions in a post.

Things went down hill was vomitting every day last week, which I hate doing, it has always been a back up in emergencies, I have been relying on it too much so am trying hard to stop - 2 days clear so far.

I've also been cutting for the last three days, which makes me feel a lot better but quite frankly I am fucking ugly enough without adding even more scars to my body so I've really got to stop that too!

My exercise isn't going as well as it was last week, my knee is just killing me some days, I do still walk my 10k but not burning anywhere near the amound of calories I need/want to so may have to start going back to the gym on top of that.

I see my shrink on Friday. I still feel bad about her going into the office on her day off. I honestly don't know why I'm bothering it has never helped. My friend thinks I should try somebody new that she must be rubbish but she is supposed to be one of the best in Brisbane, I think it's more me, I don't really talk to her, I don't let her in, so really I'm just wasting her time which I feel bad about.

I'm starting to worry about Fiji! It will involve a lot of buffets and me and buffets are not friends! I go in there saying I'm not going to eat much but then ofcourse I stuff my fat face and ruin everything. I really don't want to undo the hard work I've done so far, although I do have exactly a month when we get back to lose as much as possible before the next big family event (nephew's christening).

Beautiful!

 

 

In desperate need of some thinspiration.

A girl can only dream....

 

 

Sore knee

Posting what I hate to prevent me from eating more worked last night so here I am again.

Breakfast: Grapes - 62
Lunch: Chicken Wrap - 128
Dinner: Pumpkin Soup - 108
Snacks: Minties (75), Cruskits (65)  - 140

Total: 438 Calories

Exercise: I didn't do my swimming today so I feel like a fat pig but I did go on an extra long walk, I only did a tiny bit of running cause I've done something to my knee it hurts like hell when walking and even worse when running so most of it was a walk to try and give it a rest. I think a did around 20km not sure def more than 17km and I burnt 1137.

Net Calories: - 699

I'm a bit worried about the amount I'm going to burn tomorrow if I can't run at all. I'm still going to do my 10km at a walk hopefully that will be enough of a rest.

Things are going well, I think only cause I'm concentrating so much on what I eat and have no time for anything else. Works for me :)

Distracting myself

I'm posting early tonight to try and stop myself putting anything else into my fat disgusting mouth, I'm hoping if I post my intake for the day I will feel too embarrassed to have to come back and change it so won't eat anything else :) I lost control with a box of Jatz biscuits so it is higher than what I wanted but a step back in the right direction and tomorrow will be better.

Breakfast:  Grapes - 62
Lunch: Chicken Wrap - 128
Dinner: Pumpkin Soup - 108
Snacks: Jelly (16), Minties (75), Potato Stix (48), Jatz Biscuits (176) - 316

Total: 614 calories disgusting but will improve tomorrow!

I don't generally work in net amounts but I'm getting a bit desperate with 3 weeks to go until I have to look half decent in a bridesmaid's dress so I want to make sure I work off everything I eat for the next few weeks at least.

My sister gave me a new good heart rate monitor for my birthday last week which tells me exactly how many calories I'm burning :)! Exercise for today was 10km (was more 11 or 12 as I did extra at the end) walk/run which burnt 787 then swimming which burnt 327 to total 1114 burnt.

Net intake: - 500

That's not too shabby, I aim to do better tomorrow which is doable if I stay away from the jatz biscuits. Figners crossed the the rain stops for tomorrow so I can get my run in!

Easter is Evil

Easter is well and truly fucking evil, well what we have turned it into anyway.
So yet another day is ruined.

It is only three weeks until my sisters wedding!

Tomorrow I'm going to write down on this blog every single thing that passes my lips and every tiny bit of exercise I do, I need to be held accountable for what I am eating and this is the only way I know how. It worked quite well when I first started this blog so I am going to do it again and hope it works even better.

The Biggest Loser

A new season of The Biggest Loser as just started here so I have programmed to tape it every night and use it as my motivation and I really need some!

After having 0 calories yesterday (YAY) I woke up this morning feeling like I wouldn't be able to cope on the 150 I was allowed today so swapped my 150 day for a 350 day later in the week which means my total for today was 326. After a day of fasting it sounds like so much. I did my 10km walk and not much else. I've lost hardly anything this week, it's freaky me out.

I emailed Val today, my psychiatrist's receptionists, she is lovely. So yah have made an appointment it was for Monday 15th April but then she emailed back and said that the doc is out of the office that day but has offered to come in the Friday before, which is now happening but I feel awful cause she doesn't work on Fridays so now I feel bad she is going into the office to see me. I did say that I would wait until the end of April (when I get back from Fiji) but they said Friday was good so now that's what is happening. Hopefully I will weigh a lot less than I do now by then.

I started my iron and B12 tablets today, not really to be healthy but hopefully they will give me more energy so I can get back to the gym and not just do my walks.

Sunday Intake

Not much to write, my life is as boring as hell. I've only lost 300 grams this week which has got me freaking out a bit this time last week I had already lost a kilo.

It's a fast day today so have had nothing to eat :) I'm on such a high I forgot how amazing you can feel while fasting. I've been trying to drink lots of water but haven't been having loads caues it makes me pee so much, seriously like every 20 minutes.

I'm sitting here watching Here comes Honey Boo Boo,if that's not thinspiration I don't know what is. If I have get close to looking like her mother I think I would die... I know that is really bitchy but I really don't understand how people get to that size.

3kg loss.

Week 1 down on the ABC Diet and a loss of 3kg. I'm happy with that but know it could be a lot better. The weight didn't go down as much in the second half of the week, with a lousy 0.2 last night, I'm getting really worried that it is going to stop and even if I stick to the diet it won't go down more. I was losing 0.2 on 200 calories this week I have some 400 and 500 calorie days how am I ever going to get rid of this fat on that?
I'm going to try and be strong though I have to have faith that a lot of people have had great sucess on this.

Saw GP this morning. She didn't weigh me, which to be honest I was a bit put out by, I was expecting it and then it didn't happen, it just means I look fat and don't need to be weighed. She didn't seem to concerned that I hadn't started anti-depressants or that I had not contacted the shrink.
My blood results came back I'm extremely low in iron and B12 so she has prescribed stuff for that which I went out of her office thinking I'm not going to take them but then I thought to myself if they are going to give me more energy and make me feel better it might help me get back to the gym and do more than just my 10km walks... we'll see.