Distracting myself

I'm posting early tonight to try and stop myself putting anything else into my fat disgusting mouth, I'm hoping if I post my intake for the day I will feel too embarrassed to have to come back and change it so won't eat anything else :) I lost control with a box of Jatz biscuits so it is higher than what I wanted but a step back in the right direction and tomorrow will be better.

Breakfast:  Grapes - 62
Lunch: Chicken Wrap - 128
Dinner: Pumpkin Soup - 108
Snacks: Jelly (16), Minties (75), Potato Stix (48), Jatz Biscuits (176) - 316

Total: 614 calories disgusting but will improve tomorrow!

I don't generally work in net amounts but I'm getting a bit desperate with 3 weeks to go until I have to look half decent in a bridesmaid's dress so I want to make sure I work off everything I eat for the next few weeks at least.

My sister gave me a new good heart rate monitor for my birthday last week which tells me exactly how many calories I'm burning :)! Exercise for today was 10km (was more 11 or 12 as I did extra at the end) walk/run which burnt 787 then swimming which burnt 327 to total 1114 burnt.

Net intake: - 500

That's not too shabby, I aim to do better tomorrow which is doable if I stay away from the jatz biscuits. Figners crossed the the rain stops for tomorrow so I can get my run in!

Lost and Depressed.

I haven't written for awhile, but for a change it hasn't been because I've been bad on my diet it's just because I've been a fat, lazy cow. On Thursday morning I had Weight Watchers weigh in and for my first week I lost 3.2kg. I was so excited, but now it is Sunday that has all vanished. This time last week I had already lost a decent amount but this week I've only lost .4, I can't handle this, it's freaking me out! I need to lose it, I need to lose all this fat.

I'm officially an aunty. I'm definately excited but not as much as I thought I would be. Why did I come back for something that really has nothing to do with me? I've got nothing in this country. I've got 1 friend, we don't go out. I live at home with mum and dad. I've got nothing. But then the thought of moving back to London of having to find another job and another place to live just fills me with dread.

I just need to lose this fat and I will be happier.

Finally good day.

So restarted the ABC diet today, after my massive failure yesterday :/ and went really well. So was my 500 calorie day and had 454, plus I walked to work so really my net (which I don't count in AT ALL) is 104 so not too shabby at all. Didn't quite make it the entire way to work, only 1.5 hrs, I must have been walking slower than usual cause I only had 30 mins left for a 35 - 40 minute walk so hopped a bus most of the way then walked again at the end which got me there on time.

Two of the children we went for play dates last week have come out in chicken pox... is it bad that I am hoping M gets it so we don't have to fly? lol.

Today's success has really put me in a good mind for tomorrow. Just need to do the same cause it's a 500 day again.

Not looking forward to weigh in on Wednesday morning, I know I've gained I've been awful this week.

Got peed on...

Pretty much sums up my day.

WHY did I have to ruin things the day before weigh in. Why couldn't it be tomorrow after  had weighed in then it wouldn't matter as much?!?!?!

Couldn't stop eating today I would have definitely gone over 1500 calories WTF?!?! How could I do it before weigh in? I just couldn't stop. On the way home I thought I've already done this much damage I mose well just get McDonald's. I wasn't even planning to throw up just eat it as I had already screwed up so much today but half way through I just felt full and crap and I just COULDN'T feel that full and disgusting the entire way home and until it digested so I paid my 30p to use the bathroom and up it came :/ I guess that's one good thing is my stomach must have shrunk a bit to feel full half way through cause I got what I normally do.

I didn't even go to the gym.

I thought I was loosing weight and getting thinner but I'm just kidding myself. My scales must be completely fucked cause I'm not getting smaller if anything I'm getting bigger. I hate HATE HATE it!

Weekly Weigh In

So today being Wednesday it is my weigh day. I lost 1.6kg (3.5lbs) not as good as last week but better than nothing. I am wondering how this week is going to go without me exercising, cause this last week I still had quite a few walks to work and boot camp and a gym session so I'm very interested to see how much I lose without all that, if it isn't a lot I might have to go back to walking AND the gym for a week or so until the engagement party to see if I can lose a few more.

My head seems to be in the right spot at the moment, I'm loving losing weight again, I know I have such a long way to go before I'm actually thin but I'm on my way and as long as the scales keep going down every week if if they only go down a tiny bit all the tiny bits will eventually add up.

I'm still hoping to fast this weekend, even if I don't manage it I will still keep under my 600 calories. Total for today was 577, it's creeping up so better be careful.

Cupcakes are a comin'

Totally freaking out that I won't have the willpower at my charges first birthday party tomorrow that I need.

Baked lots of cupcakes today, and apart from licking my fingers and tasting 1 without icing to make sure they were cooked I didn't do too bad. Put bowls and spoons straight into the sink and ran water on them to stop me from eating all the cake mix on the sides YUM!

Walked to work. Got completely rained on. Last one tomorrow morning then back to the gym instead, my entire body is aching!

Total calories for today 590.

Three days on less than 600 calories GO ME! Just hope I can keep it up. Am going out to dinner with my room mate on Sunday night... eeek. Will have to see where we are going and suss out the menu online to see what has the lowest calories.

Boring Posts

I know my posts are getting boring but I really just don't have much to say at the moment, well that's not quite true I have lots of stuff going through my head that I could write but I'm just soo tired when I get home from work I can't be bothered.

Weigh in tomorrow eeeek. This is the first week in ages that I haven't snuck on the scales mid week to see how things are going. I hate that because I will be all set for a big loss and then when that doesn't happen I will be disappointed... it always happens like that!

Had a good day of eating today, finally I hear you say :) total was 274! Plus did my big walk to work this morning.

Very worried about Friday it's my charges birthday and I am making lots of chocolate and vanilla cupcakes but my boss came home today with lots of cakes too, chocolate ones from M&S it is going to be so hard to resist but I really want to because by Friday (working on if I'm actually good till then) it will be my 4th day on 600 cals or less so if I break it then I will have to start my 2 weeks all over again.

Off to bed.

Lucy at the Gym

I absolutely LOVE this song it is my favourite. Can't download it on the Australian itunes though.

Happy Birthday to me!

Woke up this morning and felt really depressed, my birthday and all my family is across the other side of the world. Didn't have too much time to dwell on it though as had an early start at work and had to get my butt into gear.

For about 5 minutes this morning I was sooo happy. It was weigh day and I was an entire 2.5kg (5.5 pounds) I was beyond happy and excited. But then I went down as I remembered it's my birthday I'm going out to dinner, I'm having tea with my boss. I was so depressed about it I thought about cancelling everything but I couldn't how can I cancel tea with my boss when I'm already there? I am absolutely disgusted with myself started the day alright but then by mid afternoon I thought I'm already going to break tonight so why not just be a fat big and eat the two pieces of chocolate that are left ( from yesterday) then not only did I have a piece of cake with my boss I had 3 pieces of cake with my boss they were worth a good 225 calories (possibly more) each!!! FUCK ME! I then went out to dinner had a burger and fries and a cocktail. I feel like the fattest pig on earth. How on earth am I going to loose weight when I eat like that. I know all that I lost I have now put back on.

I'm just so disappointed with myself.
Also got this care parcel from my mum. easter eggs, red frogs, rusks, chocolate, biscuits what on earth am I going to do I feel too guilty to throw it all out she spent so much money on buying it and then posting it over. I've been looking about all the calories of it all so maybe if I have been good all week I can have on treat at the end of the week or something.

Really worried about how I'm going to go in Norway how am I not going to eat with people watching? The only plus side is they have an indoor swimming pool so can do laps every night.

Scored some good pressies. My mum got me, a few weeks ago when she was in London visiting, an Ipad for my birthday, I got a Cath Kidston travel bag and a beautiful smythson diary from my boss, I got 40 pounds (on an Australian laptop don't have the pound sign) worth of vouchers to Oliver Bonas from my room mates, $100 from 'grandma' I adopted her as my own but really the grandmother of the children I used to look after and the present from the kids I used to look after and my sisters are still on the way, so they say.

I've got a lot to be greatful for but all I feel like is a big fat ugly heffa.

Yet another rubbish day....

I am such a fat fucking pig! It revolts me!

So everything was going along had my apple for breakfast and my snack a jacks for lunch, I also planned that since I was going to the gym I would have snack a jacks for dinner too instead of an apple in the hopes it would give me a bit more energy. But no, no I had to be a big fat big and have two bits of chocolate at work too! And I have just been searching everywhere online for the calorie content but don't know the name of them and it is really stressing me out!!!!

Did a class at the gym which I was feeling really good about before I want knowing that i was going to be doing it. But got there and I am just so disgustingly unfit. Honestly I nearly worked out! The entire time going through my head was I am so fat, the biggest one here, I bet they are all thinking how stupid I look and I should just go home and eat more crap as that all I do by the look of me.
I avoid mirrors at all costs but obviously in the gym it is mirror overload when doing class I just looked utterly pathetic, I wanted to cry... nearly did, but the thought of that making me look even more stupid stopped me.
I made it through the class, but could have done so much better.

You know you must look really said when even a homeless guy says to you 'cheer up darlin' which is what happened to me on the way home from the gym. haha. I was sooo down, didn't know it showed though.

Really, really, really stressing about dinner tomorrow night, and my boss said she would come home early so we could have tea FUCK! So tomorrow I'm going to be completely screwed! And it's weigh in day :(

Breakfast: Small apple = 47 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Snack a Jacks = 106 calories (different flavour)

Snacks: Orange juice = 20 calories

Chocolate = 240 ? calories

Total = 521 calories

ARHHHHHHHHHHH! That is so fucking rubbish! I still don't know what chocolate it was but have compared it to one of a similar size and put that down.

Hopefully tomorrow it will be a better day, actually scrap that it will be a worse day cause it's my birthday and I will have to eat so much.