Can't weigh in

I don't have the guts to weigh in tomorrow morning. I've done so much damage over the weekend I revolt myself.  In my defense I know I would have gained (or at optimistic best not lost) as I've eaten a lot of crap, it's that time of the month plus it's two day early so am being nice and not weighing. I think if I weighed and had the gain confirmed it would do a lot worse for me. At the moment I just need to get my eating back on track.
Tomorrow I'm not going over 600 calories, which I know is a lot compared to how good I was going, but baby steps.

Back to Norway tomorrow, only have to survive 3.5 days since I don't arrive till very late tomorrow afternoon then leave mid Friday afternoon to come back to London for more Olympics. I'm so excited!

I've never much been into sports, participating or watching. But this year I can't get enough of the Olympics. The atmosphere in London is amazing at the moment. Went to the Opening Ceremony on Friday which was just brilliant. Loved the Queen, 007 bit. Everyone sitting around me was like is that her did she really jump oh my gosh. I'm just thinking to myself oh please they did not just make the 80 something year old queen jump out of a helicopter haha. loved that people believed it though. It was great.

Two of my favourite pictures that I took. Tried my hardest to get a decent photo of the queen but just couldn't, gutted! I did get a few and I can make her out but I think that's only because I know where she is like anyone else looking at it wouldn't know. At least I can say I was in the same stadium as the queen. lol. I couldn't care less about the royals since moving to London, now I'm totally into them, weird.

Fatter when I've lost weight?

Won't post tonight as will be at the opening ceremony. Just about to leave and do some shopping before hand. How is it possible that the dress I am wearing looks worse than the last time I wore it when I've lost weight since them? How the fuck does that work? How come I'm just getting fatter??? Think I will have to fast tomorrow to try and stop this!!

My love of fasting.

I completely forgot how much I loved to fast. It was my fast day yesterday and was hoping I would stick to it and I DID! Not 1 calorie passed my lips, I was on a high all day long. I forgot how amazing it made me feel how superior to everyone it makes me feel! I need to do more of them!

On another note I am back in London for the Olympic Opening Ceremony tomorrow night I am beyond excited! Unfortunately I have to go back to Norway and the island on Monday but at least I get a little break... and another one next weekend too :) I don't think I could survive there this time for three weeks without saying something very unprofessional.

I'm off to dream of future fasts. :)

-1.9

Currently writing from the land of Vikings! Annoyed with myself yet again I have gone 62 calories over my 500 allowance! Gutted! I thought I was safe but when I was double checking tonight I had miscalculated the size and AHHHHH! It's my fast day tomorrow which I will stick to. I'm still going to stick to the ABC as best I can but I have been over on two days now so I will definitely have to do it again when I finish. Maybe I will keep going with this one and then when we get back to London in mid August I can start it over and add in some walking to work then to really get rid of my fat arse self! Was hugely excited this morning when I weighed in (an entire day early remember) even after the terrible binge I have lost 1.9kg this week! :) :) finally something good. I really need to stick to it this week to see if I can lose that much again. Have to be strong and good! Will try and still post but going to the island tomorrow it does have wifi but not sure how good it is.

Off to Norway

Off to Norway in the morning BLAH! All I can think about is how hard it is going to be to restrict. It's not that I care what she thinks of me I just don't want the awkward questions.

Had a complete disaster of a day yesterday. I got to late afternoon and then had a complete binge, I did throw up but you never get it all up. So annoying I was doing so well. I did think of starting over again but I don't deserve that. After the revolting binge I deserve to get to the end of the diet and not be able to say I've done it, that's my punishment. And I then I might even have to do it again.
Although YAY for baby steps. Normally I binge and either ruin and get depressed so binge again for a few days or just not binge but just eat whatever. This time I binged and I have got straight back on track.

It's weigh in tomorrow. AHHHHHHHHH! Have to do it a day early cause we will be in Oslo. I'm hoping my binge wasn't bad enough that I've gained. Will be doing a lot of short weigh ins unfortunately. Next week will be a Monday,  then Monday then hopefully back to Wednesdays.

Fingers crossed.

We meet again

Here you are again my friend,

I've missed you.

But I knew, as did you, that you would return to me,

you always do.

Here you are on your hands,

kneeling before me, I am your master.

I see you looking down at your fat,

your fat thighs, your fat stomach,

your rolls upon rolls of flesh.

It makes you want to cry,

and you sit there blubbering away.

It's OK I croon,

your fingers can fix this.

If you had control and power you wouldn't be here with me,

if you didn't break our unwritten law,

I would not have called for you.

YOU ate it, you disgust me,

And you wonder why you're too fat for words.

I don't.

Trying to prevent a binge!

I have spent the entire day, pretty much, in bed trying not to eat. I have stuck to my 200 calories for today, had a total of 182. But all day I have just wanted to order a pizza with a garlic crust, and down a tub of ice cream and eat chocolate cake and just eat tasty fattening food. I have resisted though which is good.

Nothing else to write, as I've done nothing today. Am off to watch more Dexter to keep me out of the kitchen until bedtime.

Going strong

ABC Diet is still going strong, today's 100 calorie day went surprisingly well.  I think I mucked up a bit yesterday not completely sure what the calories were though so I'm going to say I went over (but I may not have) so  I will have less of my allowed calories tomorrow to make up for it. I don't feel bad doing that cause I was reading on the internet that there is really no rhyme  or reason to the specific days someone just wrote them down and that was it.

The scales say I have already lost weight... well yah 5 days I would bloody hope so but I don't think I've lost as much as they say. Why is it I always believe when I have a monster weight gain but not the loss?

So my sisters baby is officially a boy :) and I've started shopping, I'm thinking since it was conceived in London I would get a London suitcase (not a real one, just a touristy thing) and buy loads of clothes and things over here that they don't sell in Australia. I went into Ralph Lauren today (yes they do sell that in Aust, we're not that bad, but never go there) it was a bit depressing that the first time I shopped there and it isn't even for me. But they were having a huge sale so got three cute little outfits that my sister will LOVE.

Bit worried about Norway next week and keeping to the diet, I've really only got one day to worry about before I fly back for the Olympic opening ceremony but then I have to go back again :/ oh well I'll figure something out.

Actually had willpower!

Surprise, surprise today I actually had some willpower. For those of you who didn't just fall off you chair in dis-belief I shall tell you of power I possessed today. So took M for a play at a friends house and her nanny was like 'don't brink lunch for M I'll make them something' so without much hesitation off we went. Only to arrive and see that she had purchased pizza and garlic bread from Tesco (two of my most favourite things to eat). So lets leave out the fact that M isn't even allowed to eat stuff like that, all has to be home made by me. So there he was eating it and there it was smelly so good and Laura kept on offering me some and I kept on saying no, and she kept trying to tempt me. I said no I have some great chicken soup waiting for me when we get back and she said it would have as many calories as pizza and garlic bread. Laughed to myself yah right my 50 calorie soup is as much as pizza!

So any who managed to only have one small bite of M's pizza and one even smaller bite of his garlic bread. I got home to my revolting soup which I crumbled a Melba Toast (worth an entire 13 calories) to make believe I had some tasty croutons in it. I was so proud of myself.

Have stuck to my 300 calorie limit for the day... 299 to be precise. Maybe even a bit less cause I very much overestimated the calories for 2 bites of food, as I didn't want to under estimate and be over my allowance without realizing it.

The bad news of the day is I gained. 300 grams! Which I am not killing myself over as I'm on the ABC and it is giving me hope. Plus I have already lost since the start of this diet yay :) but considering I only lost what I put on the week before it doesn't count.

Am totally set for tomorrows 400 bit concerned about Fridays 100 but I'm sure I'll manage.

Crossing off day 2 :)

Am officially crossing off day two, although to be fair, it isn't much of a challenge at 500 calories I mean really that's a normal days intake. Didn't do any exercise, apart from walking to and from classes with M all day which would easily be about 3-4 miles added up, but that's alright as I'm not focusing on exercise.. do I ever lol. It's all about sticking to the food.

Weigh in tomorrow morning, dreading it!

Finally good day.

So restarted the ABC diet today, after my massive failure yesterday :/ and went really well. So was my 500 calorie day and had 454, plus I walked to work so really my net (which I don't count in AT ALL) is 104 so not too shabby at all. Didn't quite make it the entire way to work, only 1.5 hrs, I must have been walking slower than usual cause I only had 30 mins left for a 35 - 40 minute walk so hopped a bus most of the way then walked again at the end which got me there on time.

Two of the children we went for play dates last week have come out in chicken pox... is it bad that I am hoping M gets it so we don't have to fly? lol.

Today's success has really put me in a good mind for tomorrow. Just need to do the same cause it's a 500 day again.

Not looking forward to weigh in on Wednesday morning, I know I've gained I've been awful this week.

Ruined it.

Well surprise, surprise, I ruined it! I can't do anything right. But I will be starting the ABC diet tomorrow AND sticking to it. Went to the shops and got lots of different low calories foods so I am all set. I have also written it in my thinspiration book so I can't not do it cause then I would have ruined the entire book.

It sort of works out a bit better this way to. On the day I will be flying it will be about a 400 cal day (can't quite remember) which means I can eat something on the plane and then fast the next day where I can say I feel a bit ill or not that hungry and then the next day I fly out so even if she says something it will only be for one day. I come back for the weekend and have to get through 5 days with out too many questions before I fly back again. So hopefully it will work.. I just need to get my fat ass into gear and have some willpower.

I'm working to work again this week. Hopefully will help me stick to the diet even more. Everybody I tell that I'm working to work, which takes 2 hours, says I'm absolutely crazy and to stop doing it. Not my boss though she thinks it's good and when I don't do it says I should be. I wonder if she just doesn't want to employ my fat ass and wants me to lose weight.

I don't have an eating disorder.

Did another cupcake course today. Overall I liked it, but I was rubbish at it. I hate being bad at something when everyone else around you is good. Don't mind it if we are all bad, well I do but not as much.

Start the ABC diet tomorrow. I was so excited about it but now I'm just depressed again - it's all I seem to be lately. I was so positive about it that I am finally going to get rid of this fat that is engulfing my body. I just need to get in that positive frame of mind again. I'm on my own but I can do this! No one thinks I'm serious but I can do it.

Whenever I lose any weight my mum is like 'now don't do anything stupid, you don't want to go back where you were'. The thing is I never left. I got fat. I hate people saying 'you've come so far' I feel like screaming at them I haven't, I haven't! Nothings changed apart from me being fat. I hate it, I absolutely despise it.

I'm going to kick off the ABC diet with taking some laxatives tonight.


I don't have an eating disorder:
I'm too fat.

Definitely ABCing it!

I decided this afternoon, when feeling like the most obese person in the world while shopping, that I am going to start the ABC diet on Sunday. I don't know quite how it's going to go I will at the very least go until day 10 at which point I need to go to Norway for work. So I can try and keep doing it while away or just try and eat very little amounts and start again when I get home.

I've counted forward and the day we fly will be a fast day :/ which normally I could get away with, no one every being the wiser, but since I will be with my boss from morning until night she is obviously going to notice. I thought I could say I feel a bit sick, just not right to eat which could possibly get me past the fast day and if she notices me eating low the next day I could say I'm just building back up slowly don't want to risk being sick blah, blah, blah. But that would only work once, and she would start asking a lot of questions when the next fast day came around. I can get away with quite a lot cause she knows I'm such a fussy eater but she will notice if I just don't eat.

So haven't quite decided on the how yet, but it is definitely happening! I need something drastic to get my body out of this obese state it is in.

Don't know if I should stay or go.

I'm still stressing about if I should stay in London or go home.I thought I had made my mind up to go home but then I will have a nice weekend or something and think about staying in London. I also think about what it will be like if I move home... the same as before I left. My family and I get on great when we don't live together... well actually to be more accurate when I'm not in the same country. They say how much they miss me and want me home - they've just forgotten how much they hate me, how much we fight and how it is always, always my fault.

So I would go back to living at home fighting with everyone going to work and coming home. At least I would be able to see my shrink again... geeze that is one person I didn't think I would miss! Then I would have someone to talk to but when I'm actually there I don't talk to her, not really, not like I should.

Then of course there is the option to stay in London. Where I could go out and have fun, but I don't. Where I could travel to all these amazing places, but I don't. I am hating my job more and more, well not really the job itself more the mother. Although I don't hate her, she's lovely (and beautifully thin) but every day she says or does something else that annoys me so much. Like M's dad wants him to go for a visit without mum and all she says is its too soon he's too little and it's not like the dad would take off work and actually spend anytime with him he'll never see him it's terrible. I just feel like screaming at her THAT'S WHAT YOU DO! She just doesn't see it. M wakes up at 7am I start at 7:30 but generally get there at 7:15 when I take over and I don't finish at 7 at night when he goes to bed. Mum gets home at 5/5:30 but does she spend any one on one time with.. of course not! She has the personal trainer come to the house, she has an email to write, she has a call to make, she has to tidy up, she has to eat blah blah blah. I'm so tired, I've got headache. So when it comes down to it you see your son for 15mins in the morning and 1.5 hrs in the evening of which only 30mins you actually sit down with him and do nothing else and just spend time with him. HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT FROM WHAT HIS FATHER DOES?!?!

It's scary that I don't really want to be any place, I don't want to be anywhere. I don't care any more.

Pitiful weight loss.

What a sorry excuse I had for weight loss this week. 0.9kg, really that's just pathetic. But of course loosing so little I don't take the logical step, well logical in my world, and eat even less nooooo big fat obese me eats more! I was snacking all day I just couldn't stop. And I wonder why I'm so fat! huh!

I've just seen someone post the ABC diet on their blog, which I have seen someone write about before but never really given it much attention but thinking of giving it a go. I just don't know how it will work out with Norway, I could possibly start it when I get back but that seems so long away! Will have to give it some thought. Has anyone ever done it, if you muck up a day by having too many calories do you then just go on with it the next day or do you have to start again? This is it:

My old crush accepted my friend request on facebook, to be honest I actually forgot I had added him again. I also can't remember who deleted who. I do quite a lot of friend culling on there (I go through phases) but I have a feeling he might of deleted me. We have known eachother since primary school where he liked me for years he moved away to go to boarding school and we wrote to each other constantly and we were going to "go out" but then I was put into hospital for the first time and although he came to visit me we sort of just remained friends. He seems to start talking to me every time he breaks up with a girlfriend. I don't think I liked him all that much to be honest, more the thought back then of someone liking ME!

Anyway off to bed, babysitting late tonight as my boss went out to dinner and got early start tomorrow, oh the joy!

Strained neck.

Do you think you can strain your neck while vomiting? Cause I may have just done so. Cause it bloody hurts. I guess it serves me right for me such a fat, disgusting pig.

I was going fairly well up until after work when I went to this group, sort of women's group, what is the name of that movie where the women's group does a naked calender for fundraising? Anyway like that. My flatmate wanted me to go along so did and they served cake! Fuck me! It wasn't even worth breaking for, it was lemon, which isn't disgusting but soo not something I was choose to break my diet over. AND then flatmate asks did I have dinner! Thinking I was completely safe as this meeting didn't finish till 9:30 and we both have to work early in the morning I said I hadn't so then went for fish and chips... which is the long tale of why I actually strained my neck throwing up. I know I wouldn't have got it ALL cause I was trying to be quiet and quick, a disaster combination for a bulimic who's only aim is to bring all the food back up but alas I did not and now have an injury to boot. Fingers crossed that I got most of it up though.

And what's even worse? Is I did all of this the night before  I weigh in. I'm totally screwed! Even if I had lost some I would have put it all back on.

A new week.

A new week and a bad start, I had a sneaky weigh this morning at work and have gained :( I know I was bad over the weekend but thought the really low calories 5 days prior would help even that out. I'm not too stressed, well I am but trying not to be, as it was on different scales so fingers crossed they are wrong.

Today's intake was approx 311. I really need to stop taking bites of M's food cause that is what is making my intake go so high.

The last few weeks I have been helping my boss put together a lot of figures on what she spends each month and through out the year to give to the lawyers (possible divorce looming) but anyway tonight I finally finished it, god it's depressing that I have to work for over 7 years to earn what she SPENDS in 1 year, 7 years!

I wish I had money, money and thinness then I would be happy. Actually I think I would just settle for thin.

Wouldn't we all. lol.

Disaster of weekend.

Why do I always have to ruin it with food? I was going so well and then I just have to start stuffing my face.
Had planned to break yesterday but then be on track again today it didn't work at all. But shall be good again tomorrow until next Saturday.

One of my friends was using my ipad today to search for something and my email address was on the page of i_am_2_fat and she was like is this your email address? And I'm just like what? no! my email is blah blah blah, I don't think they bought it, I know they just think I'm a weird fat freak, quite frankly who wouldn't. They are all so funny and just great to be around but I know they think I'm just a fat cow and I think that if I didn't live with one of them they wouldn't really be hanging out with me.

I just feel like cutting.

Don't want to go to work tomorrow, I've just had enough!

463 calories

I have disappointed myself yet again, surprise, surprise. It is no wonder I am such a fat, ugly disgusting pig. I woke up today feeling much better than yesterday with intentions of sticking in the 200s but noooo big fat me was just too greedy and went to a total of 463 calories. I just couldn't stop eating! I am never going to get thin at this rate.

I'm breaking tomorrow, which I had planned all week but as it looms closer I am feeling worse and worse about it and if I could pull out I would. But with the goal of my flat mate and few friends I have here not thinking I am completely weird (more so than I'm sure they already do) I have to go along.

It comforts me very little knowing that for the past 5 days I have eaten the amount of calories a 'normal, healthy' women would eat in a day. Very little cause I could be eating so much less.

I'm starting to worry about the next trip Norway. We will be on their island where I will have absolutely no excuses I can't say I ate cause they will know I haven't. And we'll be there for 3 weeks, I'm absolutely dreading it. Not just the food. But these people think it will be great fun and so relaxing. Yah for them! They aren't the ones that look after their child that would be ME! I'm the one that will have no classes to take him to and nowhere to go, we can't even go for walk cause most of it is too rocky and steep for him. I'm the one that will have to watch him 24/7 so he doesn't fall off the cliff. Wish I could just stay in London.

Caking again tomorrow... am making a 3D handbag.

Inspiration for the weekend

All I want is to be thin, why is that too much to ask? Why can't I have it?

Nearly the weekend :)

Thank goodness it is nearly the weekend! I'm over it!

I'm so disappointed in myself today I had about 463 calories, I feel like such a fat pig, it's double what I had the two days before! I woke up just feeling like crap, just sick and light headed and I felt I needed food. I had a piece of toast and orange juice instead of just my small apple then I had some cupcake, I just really felt like I needed sugar. Felt marginally better but not much so maybe I didn't need food after all.

Lost some... finally!

As the title suggests I have finally lost some! Doesn't really count as it is only weight that I put on on my holiday but at least it went down. I lost 1.4kg so that's a start.
Was surprisingly good again today total was approx 267 cals. I quite like being in the 200s it feels like a good number and definitely not where near the 600 max that was my goal for this week. So only 2 more days until I can break on Saturday and am hoping that I have enough willpower to start again on Sunday properly until the next Saturday when I have a lunch. Things might get a bit tricky after that as probably going to Norway but not sure of dates yet all very complicated.

I will be thin soon!

232 calories for today!! Excited. I haven't been this good in ages, weigh in tomorrow I don't think I will have done that well as I haven't been good ALL week  but it's a start. I've decided (don't know how well it's going to work) to not stress out when I haven't lost a lot. As long as the scales are going down that's all that matters, it's all I need. As long as they are going down I will get thin.

Told my boss today that was 95% sure I'm moving home, I think. lol. Was doing lots of research and to do a bit of travel before is bloody expensive not even a huge trip just a 20 day tour. But there is so much stuff I want to do and buy before I go home that I don't think will be possible as I will run out of money... and I refuse to spend savings unless I am absolutely desperate.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow is as good as today!

Cupcakes will be the death of me.

Flatmate didn't take cupcakes to work and I have just eaten one! GRRRR! I did throw it up but you never get EVERYTHING back up. I'm so annoyed with myself. I was going so well today until I started feeding M his dinner. I was sitting on about 230 cals and then I started having bites of M's dinner and a few bites of his corn etc etc it is amazing how quick little bites add up, no wonder people get fat when they are eating their normal meals and then they have just one or two bites of something here and there and think it doesn't count but when you actually count the calories there are so many in each bite of everything extra.
I do think I'm safe and sound still under 600 calories for the day though. :)

I think I have pretty much decided on moving home. Just need to think about when to hand in my notice.

Cakes

Not the best photo, but these are my cupcake creations before I boxed them up. Most of them died on the way home on the bus all turning over :(

I can't wait until tomorrow I am going to start tomorrow until next Saturday, when I'm going out to dinner with friends again, to have 600 calories or less. I'm not going all out and doing exercise on top I'm just going to start with the food and build on to exercise the week after. I've just gotten too fat things are out of control and they need to be fixed.

When I have I day like today, which was fun! Cake course then to dinner with friends where I actually laughed and enjoyed myself I think maybe I should stay here and not move home. An old friend asked me the other day if I missed Australia, I don't really. I said apart from immediate family I don't have anything there to miss. 

Anyway wish me luck for tomorrow. I'm going to be strong! Even sending cupcakes to work with my friend so I don't eat them!