The Biggest Loser

A new season of The Biggest Loser as just started here so I have programmed to tape it every night and use it as my motivation and I really need some!

After having 0 calories yesterday (YAY) I woke up this morning feeling like I wouldn't be able to cope on the 150 I was allowed today so swapped my 150 day for a 350 day later in the week which means my total for today was 326. After a day of fasting it sounds like so much. I did my 10km walk and not much else. I've lost hardly anything this week, it's freaky me out.

I emailed Val today, my psychiatrist's receptionists, she is lovely. So yah have made an appointment it was for Monday 15th April but then she emailed back and said that the doc is out of the office that day but has offered to come in the Friday before, which is now happening but I feel awful cause she doesn't work on Fridays so now I feel bad she is going into the office to see me. I did say that I would wait until the end of April (when I get back from Fiji) but they said Friday was good so now that's what is happening. Hopefully I will weigh a lot less than I do now by then.

I started my iron and B12 tablets today, not really to be healthy but hopefully they will give me more energy so I can get back to the gym and not just do my walks.

Todays Intake

So I'm still going along on the ABC diet. I've been reading a lot about it and other people who have done it and all seem to have their own versions, I think I'm just doing the standard one. All seem to be on the same change about being able to change the days around a bit though which is what I did today. So instead of a 200 cal day today I had my 300 day one and will do the 200 one tomorrow. Ended today on 253. I'm not holding high hopes on a loss overnight cause I had to work I didn't get to do my 10k walk which I think is going to have a big impact on my loss (or lack there of) I was on my feet all day though so hopefully it won't be too bad.
The last time I attempted this diet this is the last day I have marked off so obviously ruined it on the 7th day so don't want to do that this time so if I make it through tomorrow it will be good, am actually hoping to make it a lot longer than that though!

GAH weigh in tomorrow AND the next day :/

Gained.

So as I thought I RUINED the entire week for this weigh in I gained a disgusting 1.4kg. I knew it was going to happen, just hoped that it wouldn't be so much.
I did want to start the ABC diet today but ofcourse my fat self ruined it already. I was on track until about 7pm tonight when I hate a few hundred calories more than I should. So I'm between 500 and 1000 which is just way to high. Will try again tomorrow. I know I can do this, it is all just a matter of getting past that first day.
I did an hour of cardio at the gym today. Also getting a bit of exercise digging a hole in the backyard. My beautiful puppy (not quite a puppy 10 years old) has cancer and isn't well at all so the Vet has said we should put her to sleep. It is happening Monday. I hate it, but don't want her in pain.

I've got a drs appointment tomorrow, just the GP. I've apparently got eczma (spelling?) in my ears so they get super annoyingly itchy and have found myself a new GP to try and get this shit sorted out. Thought I would also get a referral to my shrink, I haven't been in that long that I need one. I just hate going through the hole medical history bit with new drs does my head in. I need to get a letter that I am healthy to work (just a standard thing that nanny agencies like to have) so can't really walk in there and give her my life story and say yah I think I'm going crazy so refer me to my shrink please oh and by the way I need a letter to say I can look after children :/

Finally good day.

So restarted the ABC diet today, after my massive failure yesterday :/ and went really well. So was my 500 calorie day and had 454, plus I walked to work so really my net (which I don't count in AT ALL) is 104 so not too shabby at all. Didn't quite make it the entire way to work, only 1.5 hrs, I must have been walking slower than usual cause I only had 30 mins left for a 35 - 40 minute walk so hopped a bus most of the way then walked again at the end which got me there on time.

Two of the children we went for play dates last week have come out in chicken pox... is it bad that I am hoping M gets it so we don't have to fly? lol.

Today's success has really put me in a good mind for tomorrow. Just need to do the same cause it's a 500 day again.

Not looking forward to weigh in on Wednesday morning, I know I've gained I've been awful this week.

31 Days Left

I counted up the days remaining on my 100 day challenge and I have 31 days left. I don't think I will be able to lose the 10kg that is my goal for the challenge but surely I will be able to lose SOMETHING! I start my diet for this 31 days tomorrow starting with walking to work again, not sure for how long I did 2 weeks last time so would like to do that again maybe some more??? Just walking to work the first week with the second possibly going to the gym or walking home too. I would rather walk home as well but I feel terrible paying 78 pounds a month for a gym membership and never going.

Apart from walking to work another thing starting tomorrow is I am giving up chocolate, AGAIN! I just had the worst chocolate binge I hate to think how many calories I consumed, at least I had only had popcorn today, but yes giving up chocolate for the last 31 days. So the next time I am allowed to eat it is on the 25th July. I can totally do this.

On this side of my holiday it is nearly time to make a decision re moving home or staying in London. I think at the moment I am leaning towards moving home. I just don't know. I was talking about it with my sister when she was over and she asked me where I was happiest. I said happy is quite a strong word. I'm not really happier in either place they are both the same they are both just places where I live, I wake up go to work and then come home from work. Yes I have a few more 'friends' in London but if I moved home I would hope I could make some sort of effort and make some friends there too. The main thing remains that I would regret not being there for my niece/nephews birth and helping out in the first few months. I would be over here hearing stories and hating that I am not there and enjoying the baby too. Then I have my sisters wedding which she doesn't need help planning but again I would hate to miss out on it and would be over here jealous as knowing they are all planning it together and having fun without me.

Weekly Weigh In

So today being Wednesday it is my weigh day. I lost 1.6kg (3.5lbs) not as good as last week but better than nothing. I am wondering how this week is going to go without me exercising, cause this last week I still had quite a few walks to work and boot camp and a gym session so I'm very interested to see how much I lose without all that, if it isn't a lot I might have to go back to walking AND the gym for a week or so until the engagement party to see if I can lose a few more.

My head seems to be in the right spot at the moment, I'm loving losing weight again, I know I have such a long way to go before I'm actually thin but I'm on my way and as long as the scales keep going down every week if if they only go down a tiny bit all the tiny bits will eventually add up.

I'm still hoping to fast this weekend, even if I don't manage it I will still keep under my 600 calories. Total for today was 577, it's creeping up so better be careful.

Under 600 :)

YAY after last nights very bad (but tasty) cupcake I have done my under 600 cals today coming in at 524 but actually think I over estimated some of it so definately under the 600 today. Went to the gym on the way home and did an aqua aerobics class which supposedly burns off around 315 calories (was only a 45 minute class).

Not looking foward to weigh in tomorrow morning. Got everything crossed.

Stupid fat cow!!!

They are the only words to describe myself at the moment. All day I was resisting that stupid chocolate cake, but did  I have the willpower to do it until I went to be tonight noooooooooo! I feel so disgusting, I can already feel myself growing. I've GOT to stop!
I do this all the time, I want to reach a goal like being good and loosing as much weight as possible for the 7 weeks until I fly home and then I just can't do it. But I've got to! I can't be this fat. I just can't. I hate every minute of it.

I wonder if there are people in the world that really and truly like the way they look. Surely there are. I can't imagine it ever happening to me though. I have supposedly been 'recovered' for like 8 years, yes my body is a complete fat blob but I have never changed my thinking from when I was being put into hospital again and again. I have always thought I was a fat ugly cow, always cried when I looked in the mirror (now I just avoid looking at them), I always want to lose weight and seem to be starting a new diet... the only thing that has changed is my weight, I haven't got to that supposedly dangerously low weight again in 8 years and it makes me feel revolting and awful.

It will be different this time, I know it will. I will be thin and I will like what I see. I just need to lose this fat that I have engulfing my body wanting me to drown.

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: well not dinner cause I'm too fucking fat to wait that long but I'm not eating for the rest of the day so I'm putting it as dinner. Toast, slice of chocolate cake and bowl of chocolate icecream = TO FUCKING MANY CALORIES TO COUNT

Total: Probably a good 1000 calories (god I pray it isn't anymore!)

How am I ever going to lose weight if I eat like this? Why can't I just be strong? I promise I will be good tomorrow!

Hate people that don't reply!

One of my major pet hates is people who don't reply to emails. It is so annoying and messes with my head, even more so when it's my shrink! WTF? She asked me to email her in 4 weeks the last time I saw her 7 weeks later I finally emailed her and does she reply??? Noooo.

On to better news I had my weigh in this morning :) 2.2kg this week ( 4.8 pounds), not as much as last week but I'm still quite pleased with it. I'm just hoping I can do it again for this week that would be amazing! I should be able to considering I lost that and wasn't good every day had 2 very bad days, involving a lot of birthday cake, and 2 average days so surely being good the entire week I should be able to lose the same again if not more? Please, please, please let me lose the same again!

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Toast with a few bits of chicken = 300? calories (that's a stretch hope it was A LOT less!)

Total = 488 calories

Was also good and did my 100 laps in the pool. Still not walk as M is still sick and his mum won't let me take him out of the house for a walk. But soon bring on 4 days of over Easter where I can go for big long walks on my own and sleep in and not have to eat breakfast, brilliant!

Freaking out about weigh in.

I'm so worried about weighing myself, I know it isn't for another 3.5 days but I'm freaking out! I used to be on the scales every day, more like 2-4 times a day just checking the damage I had done, calming down when I hadn't gained. But now I just get so scared to get on, I know the number will have gone up this week. I've been terrible. I hate it.

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Chicken wrap (1/4 - 1/2 chicken breast depending how good or bad I've been for the day, some onion, a squirt of BBQ sauce on a white tortilla wrap) = 250 calories

Snacks: Rusks = 57 calories

3x strawberry lollies = 28.5

Total = 523.50 calories

How am I ever going to loose weight eating like that? I hate it. 

On the plus side I wasn't such a lazy cow today. Went for about a 40 minute walk had some hills and for half of it was carrying my charge on my back who is 12kg. Also did 100 laps in the pool, which doesn't really count as 100 cause the pool is not huge but some exercise is better than the none I did yesterday.

I was supposed to email my shrink a few weeks ago. Keep on putting it off, don't know what to tell her, I'm trying hard to loose weight but am still a big fat pig so nothing to worry about?!?!