Instagram.

Last night I  made a new account on instagram for my ana self and just stuff that I can't post on my regular account so if you want to follow me I'm life_with_anorexia_take2 I don't have many photos up there yet but will get more things going up soon.

Today was not amazing I did a 17km walk with only a tiny bit of running, I was going so slow by the end cause my legs and knee were just so sore, I just wanted to lay down and die, had to make it back to the car though. I only burnt 1081 with the slow pace I had to keep up but it's better than nothing. Sort of ruined it with food tonight as well and had some of the kids nachos, just picked at theirs not my own serve but was something that wasn't planned which is annoying. Daily intake was net -660 ate 421 BLAH!

After just over two weeks of not cutting, wanting to but resisting, I cut this morning, I was just so frustrated with everything.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Home

Home from Fiji. The trip was alright, I ate too much, put on A LOT of weight but now I'm home and getting rid of it again. Lost 1.2kg in the 2 days I've been home so all I need to do is keep going. I can't be this fat forever.

I didn't exercise when we were away so that was like a two week break on my knee but 5 mins into my run yesterday and it was hurting again. grrr! I suppose I should get it checked out. I'm running again today, I'll just have to suck it up.

I was going to post a photo but after seeing some go up on facebook I am to mortified to do it fingers crossed the professional ones are better.

I'm off.

I'm not sure what the wifi situation is going to be like in Fiji so this will probably be my last blog for a couple of weeks. I've got everything crossed that I don't put on too much weight I'm so scared about it but just need to remember this holiday isn't about me so need to try and keep all my feelings to myself so I don't ruin it for everyone else.

Had the question of how old I was in comments. I'm 26. Very depressing 10 years on and I'm still trying to get rid of this fat that is my body. It's pathetic. I hate it.

'You have to stop losing weight'

There are only two days until we leave for Fiji, head of early Wednesday morning. I know it's bad cause it's my sisters wedding and all but I wish I didn't have to go. I'm so worried about all the food I'm going to have to eat and the exercise I won't be able to do.

We had L's hens night yesterday. It was really an all day thing, we started off in the morning with all the bridesmaids and mum going for a spa morning with facials, massages, nails etc then we came home and got ready and a stretch hummer picked us up and tooks us into the city for high tea then we all came back to party after with lots of cocktails and stripper and a big bungee run. The bungee run was so much fun.
I actually kept some sort of self control of my fat self at high tea and had 1 and a half finger sandwiches and half a mini cupcake but when I got back i started drinking some cocktails and eating the biscuits and dip, twice I disappeared to the bathroom to vomit and just couldn't handle it I couldn't keep it inside me. Then I took a handful of laxatives when i went to bed just to make sure.

The best bit about the party was people saying I was looking very thin. People saying I can't lose more weight that I must stop dieting after the wedding. Yah right. I know they were all just talking crap but it still gave me a bit of a high to hear. I was just like oh yah I'm not losing more weight I was just getting fit for the wedding blah blah blah. Trying to give off the healthy/not crazy persona while thinking in my head I've barely started I've got so much more fat to get rid of.

I saw my shrink on Friday she wants me to start on medication again straight away, a different one this time. I'm supposed to email her Monday to tell her how I'm going on it but I haven't started taking it yet.

100+ followers

Woo hoo over 100 followers, I can't tell you how excited I am, I want more though. I hope I don't bore you all too much and thanks for all the comments, I never reply in the comment section (I'm too lazy) but I do read them all would answer any questions in a post.

Things went down hill was vomitting every day last week, which I hate doing, it has always been a back up in emergencies, I have been relying on it too much so am trying hard to stop - 2 days clear so far.

I've also been cutting for the last three days, which makes me feel a lot better but quite frankly I am fucking ugly enough without adding even more scars to my body so I've really got to stop that too!

My exercise isn't going as well as it was last week, my knee is just killing me some days, I do still walk my 10k but not burning anywhere near the amound of calories I need/want to so may have to start going back to the gym on top of that.

I see my shrink on Friday. I still feel bad about her going into the office on her day off. I honestly don't know why I'm bothering it has never helped. My friend thinks I should try somebody new that she must be rubbish but she is supposed to be one of the best in Brisbane, I think it's more me, I don't really talk to her, I don't let her in, so really I'm just wasting her time which I feel bad about.

I'm starting to worry about Fiji! It will involve a lot of buffets and me and buffets are not friends! I go in there saying I'm not going to eat much but then ofcourse I stuff my fat face and ruin everything. I really don't want to undo the hard work I've done so far, although I do have exactly a month when we get back to lose as much as possible before the next big family event (nephew's christening).

Sunday Intake

Not much to write, my life is as boring as hell. I've only lost 300 grams this week which has got me freaking out a bit this time last week I had already lost a kilo.

It's a fast day today so have had nothing to eat :) I'm on such a high I forgot how amazing you can feel while fasting. I've been trying to drink lots of water but haven't been having loads caues it makes me pee so much, seriously like every 20 minutes.

I'm sitting here watching Here comes Honey Boo Boo,if that's not thinspiration I don't know what is. If I have get close to looking like her mother I think I would die... I know that is really bitchy but I really don't understand how people get to that size.

Update weight tomorrow

I've decided not to say what I lost today :) but thought I would do it Friday cause that is when I started the ABC so it will be one week on that diet and will be good to see how much I lose.

I'm a bit worried about seeing the GP tomorrow. I just feel like such a fraud and that I am wasting her time. She'll ask me how I'm going on the medication - I'll tell her I haven't started it. She'll ask when my appointment is with my shrink - I'll tell her i haven't even phoned up to book yet. She'll ask how my eating is going - I'll tell her amazing but she won't agree.
I  wonder what my blood tests have revealed, probably nothing cause I' have been eating like a fat pig for soo long now that everything will be normal.

Calories today stand at 200 exactly and a 10km walk I don't think my weight will change much if anything for tomorrow which makes me want to cry.

Oh well we'll see how we go.

Todays Intake

So I'm still going along on the ABC diet. I've been reading a lot about it and other people who have done it and all seem to have their own versions, I think I'm just doing the standard one. All seem to be on the same change about being able to change the days around a bit though which is what I did today. So instead of a 200 cal day today I had my 300 day one and will do the 200 one tomorrow. Ended today on 253. I'm not holding high hopes on a loss overnight cause I had to work I didn't get to do my 10k walk which I think is going to have a big impact on my loss (or lack there of) I was on my feet all day though so hopefully it won't be too bad.
The last time I attempted this diet this is the last day I have marked off so obviously ruined it on the 7th day so don't want to do that this time so if I make it through tomorrow it will be good, am actually hoping to make it a lot longer than that though!

GAH weigh in tomorrow AND the next day :/

R.I.P Emma

R.I.P my beautiful baby. You had 10 wonderful years.
We had to put Emma to sleep yesterday, around lunch time, it was so so hard but the right thing to do, it was like she had just given up so even if we didn't to it it would not have been long just more painful if we hadn't helped.

The last two days have been pretty bad didn't sleep much Sunday night (understandably) then Monday was just a complete shit, I was so emotionly drained! My intake for Monday was 217 calories. I went for a 10km walk in the afternoon, I just needed to get out of the house and away from everybody.

Todays calories come in at 96 and another 10km walk along the beach front. I just can't be bothered going to the gym I have absolutely no energy but still need to do something!

I'm hoping for a decent loss this week, but with my fat arse you never know I could screw things up by Thursday, which is my weekly weigh in but then I also have the GP on Friday morning again and I assume she will weigh me again too. Not that I only have a weekly weigh in I weigh myself about 5 times a day. We're going away next week, just down the coast nothing exciting but I'm already stressed about not weighing for that long - I think I'll just have to take the scales with me. lol you know you're a little crazy when you take the scales on holidays. :/

Working tomorrow so will make it so much easier to not eat and noone to notice cause I can just flat out lie about what I had. My mum said when I woke up this morning did you only have two bowls of jelly yesterday I said NO and listed off a huge list of things I had, most I hadn't some I had.

Hopefully tomorrow will be another decent-ish day with calories.

Fat Cow.

I am just too, too, too fat! I hate it so much.
Calorie intake is 128 for today. I'm fairly happy with that, although think to myself why couldn't I have just made it a fasting day without being such a fat pig?
I put on 300 grams from my extra bites of pie and brownie last night, hopefully it won't happen again any time soon.

My beautiful dog Emma goes to sleep tomorrow :(

No exercise today cause I'm just a fat lazy cow.

Gained.

So as I thought I RUINED the entire week for this weigh in I gained a disgusting 1.4kg. I knew it was going to happen, just hoped that it wouldn't be so much.
I did want to start the ABC diet today but ofcourse my fat self ruined it already. I was on track until about 7pm tonight when I hate a few hundred calories more than I should. So I'm between 500 and 1000 which is just way to high. Will try again tomorrow. I know I can do this, it is all just a matter of getting past that first day.
I did an hour of cardio at the gym today. Also getting a bit of exercise digging a hole in the backyard. My beautiful puppy (not quite a puppy 10 years old) has cancer and isn't well at all so the Vet has said we should put her to sleep. It is happening Monday. I hate it, but don't want her in pain.

I've got a drs appointment tomorrow, just the GP. I've apparently got eczma (spelling?) in my ears so they get super annoyingly itchy and have found myself a new GP to try and get this shit sorted out. Thought I would also get a referral to my shrink, I haven't been in that long that I need one. I just hate going through the hole medical history bit with new drs does my head in. I need to get a letter that I am healthy to work (just a standard thing that nanny agencies like to have) so can't really walk in there and give her my life story and say yah I think I'm going crazy so refer me to my shrink please oh and by the way I need a letter to say I can look after children :/

Falling apart!

I feel my mind, myself falling apart more and more each day. I know I should see me dr, but I don't want to while I'm this fat. I lost 1.3kg on Thursday for the weekly weigh in but have since ruined it surprise, surprise. I don't know why if I'm feeling so crap again why I can't just lose more and more and keep it off.

One day I just want to look in the mirror and like what I see, not even like it, just not hate and despise it. It's no wonder I don't have a boyfriend when I look like this, no one is ever going to want me, desire me. I hate myself so much I just want to disappear.