Distraction....

I'm on him cause I am trying not to screw up too badly. I can't seem to stop eating. So far this week I have kept it under control some what by not eating all day but then lose control at night so can't do too much damage but with only 1.5 days until weigh in I am seriously freaking out. I so badly wanted to lose a decent amount this week!  It is starting to drive me a bit crazy.. haha like I wasn't crazy already.

My very annoying sister keeps asking me what I'm doing. If I'm staying in Australia or going back to London. I DON'T KNOW. I just feel like screaming at her she just keeps on and on at me, like I know what I'm doing and I'm keeping it a secret, why the fuck would I do that? I just don't know what the hell I want in life. I'm just so over everything.

Unemployment really doesn't suit me. I really don't do well being on my own with nothing to do for days and days on end. And I can't really get a job unil I decide where I want to live cause it isn't really good for the children for someone to come into their lives and then just leave again.

I wish there was someone that would just tell me what to do.

Anxiety

I had the worst anxiety last night! My sister had a house warnming dinner (just for family) and I went in planning to count my points and not break my diet but it didn't happen. I ate, and then knowing if I stopped eating straight away I wouldn't be able to throw up cause we wouldn't leave straight away I kept on eating! From the moment I stopped ( i kept drinking sprite zero) my anxiet level went through the roof I was practically climbing the walls, I nearly started crying! I didn't have my car with me so had to wait until mum and dad wanted to leave it was awful! I haven't felt that way in such a long time! So we finally got home and I went straight in and threw up but you never bring EVERYTHING up. It's my weigh in tomorrow with WW and I'm totally freaked out! I know I've ruined! Ruined it for one fcking meal! How could I be so, so stupid?!? As well as throwing up I downed some laxatives so I'm hoping to have at the very least stayed the same. I hope I haven't gained!

I'm back on track today, but that isn't going to make a difference.

No avoiding it!

So as I was not replying to my friends message about dinner tomorrow night another friend said she couldn't go as was working. I thought brilliant we won't have to go. No such luck apparently, we're now not going out but having them over here. Now there is no fucking avoiding it.

I was terrible today I just couldn't stop eating. I need to get myself back into control if I want to loose weight this week, I can't gain, I just can't. This is what I do I get rid of a tiny bit of fat then I eat and put it straight back. I got up to 708 calories today, I'm absolutely mortified. Yes I did burn over half of those off at them gym so net was 406 but I don't do net. If I put it in my mouth it's counted and if I work it off that's just a bonus. FUCK.

I need my willpower again. I need to be thin.

Flight Booked.

I booked my flight home yesterday, scary! On the 1st November I will being leaving London flying back home to Australia. To the place I had nothing in the first place which is why I left. Am I being really stupid going back? I can't ask anyone, my family would be heart broken if they thought it even crossed my mind. I say it will be different this time, I will actually make an effort, make friends (as I lost all the ones I once had), I'll go out. But will I? I only did it over here cause I had to.I had to look normal I had to do something or I would not have survived. But back home it is all so easy to not do anything to go to work and come home and go to work again and you realise the entire week has passed and you have seen no one but your parents and your sister who you are fighting with but you can't remember why - only that it's you're fault.

I'm embracing my blog fully again. I will write down every day what I have eaten and be judged accordingly. That is the only way. I have had a terrible week, since Friday and my mum's care parcel arrived. I will have gained this week, even knowing it, it will send a shudder down my spine on Wednesday when it's confirmed as I weigh in. I just need to have 2 good weeks, that will get me back into the swing of things.

I've been throwing up a lot lately. In fact for the last 4 days. The scary thing is now I actually go out and buy food knowing that I will throw it straight back up. I never used to do that. Back in the day I was fine eating it saying I wouldn't throw it up I had been good all week and it was only when I got to the end with that full feeling that made me feel revolting that it just had to come up. Now even before the first mouthful I know it can't stay in me. I'm too fat for that.

I really feel like cutting, I've resisted so far, haven't done in a month or two, can't remember. I don't know how much longer I can resist it though its getting stronger and stronger.

Monstrous Weight Gain :(

I haven't been on for a while The first day or so was because I was eating way too much and didn't want to write it on here as I was to ashamed. Then the last few days I haven't been on because of Wednesday was weigh in. I'm still traumatized by it.

So on Saturday I had my sneaky mid week weigh in and I was the same (which is what set me off eating). So in what 4 days? I gained.... wait for it. 5.2KG OH MY FUCKING GOD! That is the entire weight I have lost on my 100 day challenge so far BACK. I'm just gutted. My sister said it was impossible to gain that much in one week I said it can't be impossible CAUSE IT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED! So I've been depressed and eating ever since.

Some black guy named Dan tried to pick me up on the bus on the way home just now. Quite good looking, but seriously?! I did give him my number - he said he would call. He probably won't and if he does I probably won't answer... I hate talking on the phone. And quite frankly anyone actually interested in me needs there fucking head read. Imagine if he saw me naked - spew!

Lost focus...

I need to remember my ULTIMATE goal for this 100 day challenge. Although I did well on my get out and socialize meet people one today (and will do tomorrow) I need to remember my main goal is to lose weight and really when it comes down to it that is the only one that actually matters!
Now I know why I avoid going out, cause you have to eat or people think you are weird. So how am I supposed to be more social AND lose the weight? I might just have to scrap being social.
Can't wait for this weekend to be finished cause I start my two weeks of walking to work on Monday, I'm actually really excited about it, 2 hrs just to listen to music :)

Feeding Frenzy

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! This is what I do. I am so good until I have to break and then I just can't stop eating. I have eaten pretty much everything in site today, I feel disgusting.

I start again tomorrow. I won't be able to go as good as I was last week cause I'll be in Norway for work with a boss that insists everyone sit down for a family dinner. Very annoying. But I am hoping to have apple for breakfast and lunch and then a chicken wrap for dinner which I can do every night cause she knows I'm a very fussy eater. So even eating all that it should still bring me under 800 calories a day plus with the indoor swimming pool I will be exercising EVERY night which I wasn't doing last week so maybe it won't be so bad.  Fingers crossed anyway.

Hopefully over the weekend I will be able to blog lots of thinspo cause I'm taking my laptop with me, hopefully it will connect to the internet, it didn't last time.

I'm going to be strong... my goal for the 2 weeks I'm away is to be strong, not perfect but strong. I know I can do it. And I think knowing I am going to write about it on here will help, even though no one is reading one day someone might and knowing that it will keep me on track.

I will be strong!