I hate it.

I hate being this fat. I just hate it so much, despise it. Not it MYSELF.

I do I have to be like this? Someone that no one is ever going to love. Not unless I'm thin. I'm not beautiful or pretty, I can't get away with being fat. I need to be thin. I can't stand being this size, I just want to cut it all away, get rid of it all.

30 Followers

I've reached 30 follower woo! I know to a lot of you that isn't a lot but  I'm excited. It means 30 people have read my blog thirty people have thought to themselves, I get that, or that isn't such bad reading I might want to find it again one day. Probably for tips or tricks to try and not turn out like the fat ugly person that I have turned in to. I wish you luck!

My plan to not throw up has not been going well.

I've got the urge to email my shrink. Don't know why she never fucking replies anyway.

Lost :)

A loss or this week. Not a lot, but considering the crap I've been eating it is a small miracle. So have lost 0.9kg which I know is NOTHING but I'm so relieved I didn't gain again. I want to lose another 3.1 in 2 weeks and one day which is doable but only if I'm really good.

I did not start off my only 2 weeks to lose 3.1 today I am sitting on around 700 (maybe 800 GAH) calories. But now I've got my small goal that I really want to reach I want to try hard. And I'm hoping these diet pills will help on those days that my willpower breaks. I'm not sure they will do all that much as they are sposed to stop you absorbing so much fat and stuff after meals and they say to have them straight after meals and take an extra one if you've had an extra big or fatty meal but my problem isn't the meals. It's the snacks I have throughout the day like the 35 cal biscuits that I nibble on or the bits of M's food when I feed him that is my real downfall which I don't think the tablets will help.

I hears hoping.

I've been throwing up A LOT lately most nights. Need to give it a break, not for my help but that last thing I need is for things to clog up :/

All the boxes to pack up my stuff arrived today. I don't want to move home. I know I've said that before, but I can't tell anyone else, especially my family!

FAAATTTT!

I hate being this FAT and disgusting.

I hate this so much! I was alright today nowhere near as good as I should have been though. I think I finished on 620 calories :(

I picked up some diet pills I'm trying from boots today hopefully they will help things along. Weigh in on Wednesday I am dreading! I know I've gained again and it makes me want to cry.

Just booked my stuff to be shipped home, how depressing, more and more I'm wanting to stay in London.
Boxes will all arrive on Wednesday.

Gained :(

So as expected I had gained on Wednesdays weigh in. 1.1kg fuck I was mortified, still am. I do think my scales are broken though cause this morning 2 days later I was down again -.4 more! Which I am not really happy with cause I know it just isn't true. The last three nights I have been eating soo much (at least 700 cals) but luckily throwing it all up. So the scales probably only read that cause I may be dehydrated or something.

I've been so exhausted lately. Literally in bed by 9:30! I'm like a grandma.

I have got to be down by next Wednesday, I mean properly down not this pretend down that is happening today. I can be fairly good tomorrow, have got a lunch on Sunday GRRRR! But then Monday Tuesday I plan to be perfect days, hoping I have the willpower.

How to ruin a day, without fail.

So how do you make sure you have completely ruined your entire day by 6am? You weigh yourself.
It was one of those ones where I shouldn't be weighing cause I try to only weigh myself on a Wednesday or I get to obsessed about it, but I needed to see how much damage I had done. And boy have I done a lot, in less than a week too. I was hoping and praying that it wouldn't be much and sort of convincing myself that it can't be bad, I was dead wrong! I won't tell you how much I've gained.. I will save that for my official weigh in on Wednesday no doubt my fat self will gain even more by then.

I hate myself.

I'm sorry I'm so fat.

FUCK,FUCK,FUCK.

My flat mate has just made me brownies. She also says I need to eat more normally. Fuck off.

I googled myself before turns out another me is a complete fitness freak and shit rumours of her being anorexic... its like its a sign.

I need to be better. I'm going to gain this week I know it.

Thinspo

After a two terrible days of eating... well not really days. I ate 1 very bad meal on each day... I was in need of some thinspiration to get me back on track.

Damn It

Couldn't avoid the dinner as it was at our place, but was a bit excited when flat mate said she was going to cook something I didn't like. I get a text message when I'm at work though saying she forgot to defrost the sausages and we're going to get take away instead. AHHHHHHHHH! So pizza for dinner last night and then  out to dinner tonight. Hopefully I won't do too much damage tonight.

Two meals out of the week though isn't as bad as last week so I am hoping that I still might be able to lose something by Wednesday. Something, ANYTHING!

No avoiding it!

So as I was not replying to my friends message about dinner tomorrow night another friend said she couldn't go as was working. I thought brilliant we won't have to go. No such luck apparently, we're now not going out but having them over here. Now there is no fucking avoiding it.

I was terrible today I just couldn't stop eating. I need to get myself back into control if I want to loose weight this week, I can't gain, I just can't. This is what I do I get rid of a tiny bit of fat then I eat and put it straight back. I got up to 708 calories today, I'm absolutely mortified. Yes I did burn over half of those off at them gym so net was 406 but I don't do net. If I put it in my mouth it's counted and if I work it off that's just a bonus. FUCK.

I need my willpower again. I need to be thin.

I DIDN'T GAIN!!!

I DIDN'T GAIN! I DIDN'T GAIN! I DIDN'T GAIN!
In fact I lost, 0.5kg, which I know is absolutely fuck all but I'm just so stoked that I didn't gain! Woooo!
Was a bit naughty today, I was just so hungry by the end of the day and was off to the gym again so ate a bit extra (I couldn't even make it through my work out.. gutted!) Today's calories are approx 625 GAH disgusting but  I am going to try and work really hard this week and keep my food on track. And I'm not giving up on my running up just cause I couldn't make it through tonight I will try again on Friday (swimming tomorrow night).

Crap my friend has just messaged and wants to know if I want to do something Friday evening. Ignoring it at the moment, kidding myself it will go away. I really need to be good if I can loose a little big with the amount I ate last week if I'm really good I might have a decent weight loss again for my next weigh in.

I'm so tired. 12hr work days plus going to the gym again are really starting to exhaust me.

5 Weeks to go...

Only 5 weeks of work left. Thank goodness! I feel bad saying that but I'm just so over it. Today my boss was 'working' from home and when I was down slaving away in the kitchen to cook M's dinner while he was asleep she came down to talk to me. Saying she's done so much work today she's deleted 900 emails from her inbox. Then told me she was going to duck out to the shops as she doesn't take enough breaks at work and that's why she gets headaches. Told me I probably don't take enough breaks either, but she supposes that's alright cause I don't sit in front of a computer all day. I felt like screaming at her, yah you're right I don't sit on my ass infront of a computer everyday I am up and out and going for 12hrs looking after your child lucky to sit down for 5 mins all day so stop sitting there whining at me.

On a more important note I have had  good day food wise. Total of 436 calories plus a trip the the gym. I am absolutely dreading my weigh in on Wednesday I know I've gained so really today and tomorrow is being good just trying to not gain anymore.

I hate being this fat. I HATE IT!

Bad Day

Yesterday was a bad day calorie wise. A VERY bad day. Even though I planned it, even though I said a week ago on Saturday I can eat whatever I still feel like absolute shit today. I can't believe I ate as much as I did, I'm mortified and disgusted. I just want to cut away all my fat. I truly hate it!

All I think of is I've gained weight, that I'm going to be up on my next Wednesday weigh in. I haven't weighed, I can't face it. But I know I will still be up on Wednesday. I always do this, I lose a little bit then I gain it back so when I lose again it doesn't even fucking count I'm just loosing weight that I've put on. I think if I'm good today, Monday and Tuesday all I can really hope for is staying the same, but even that is a big ask.

I can't handle this shit, being this fat and awful. Everything I put in my mouth is just making me fatter and fatter and fatter.

I shall be updating my blog as much as possible and telling you what I'm doing to keep me on track, I think this Wednesday is lost to me but if I am good from now until the weigh in after next I should lose a decent amount, Olympics are over and I'm sure I can talk people out of any plans they want to arrange (nothing booked in yet).

It's midday. I had some Snack a Jacks for breakfast for 92 calories. Until weigh in after next I am going to try my hardest to have 500 (or under) every day, which I am generally good at it is just when I have to go out and socialize that things start getting hard. Also going to try and go to the gym 5 times a week. 4 times next week cause I have to work late on Tuesday night.

I can do this.

I can be thin!

I just want to be thin!

I'm in DESPERATE need of thinspiration!

Lost 3.3 lbs!

Weigh in today and I've lost 1.5kg (3.3lbs) super excited about that cause its been awhile since I've lost a decent amount. Actually a lie I lost more than that the week before last :/ but that seems ages ago. 

Have got extra Paralympic tickets for tomorrow night. Wheelchair Rugby really looking forward to it cause it looks amazing! Just need to be strong with the food. I'm going straight from work so can say I've already eaten.... it's just a matter of me sticking to it.

I think the only bad day this week will be Saturday as going to Paralympics again but going early morning for half the day and then maybe to the movies with the same people so can't really get away with eating very little so am going to have to eat some sort of normal meal with them. So hopefully if I stay on track all the other days I might loose a decent amount of weight next week too :). 

I'm on such a high from the scales, I lost it during the day, but its back :)

Today's Calories

Just a quick one cause I'm super tired, didn't get home from watching Wheelchair basketball until after midnight.. which was amazing by the way!

So today's calories were a total of 438 with a trip to the gym too :).

I'm slightly more hopeful for my weigh in on Wednesday.

Admitting....

My good intentions of updating my blog every night again sort of went out the window. Not because I've been bad I promise, well not until today. I just couldn't be bothered, I just can't be bothered doing anything. Since my last blog my calories have been in the 500s or 400s until today when I went out to lunch with friends, well actually we went to the markets and apparently had to have lunch too :/ . The only thing I could think about was wanting to throw up, I didn't which made me feel like crap the rest of the day. I'm hoping one day being bad won't do too much damage. I'm still hoping for a loss this week, so fingers crossed.

Got some Paralympics tomorrow YAY! Wheelchair basketball. Aussie vs somebody can't remember but I'm super stoked I finally get to see Australia doing something! I just need to be strong and not eat even if everyone else is, I need to be strong!