Food for today.

Ok as I said yesterday to try and keep me on track I am going to put up everything I have eaten every day. See below. Went alright could have gone better. Nothing much to report just a boring day of work, work, work.

Breakfast: Ryvita with a scrape of vegemite = 35 calories

Lunch: 1/2 packet of Uncle Ben's Express Mexican Style Rice = 198 calories

Dinner: Snack a Jacks = 89 calories

Snacks: Snack a Jacks and some grapes = 176 calories

Total: 498 calories

Unfortunately I was a fat cow today and didn't go to the gym but I am going tomorrow night to continue my running app.

So worried about tomorrows weigh in. I know I've gained the question is how much damage have I done?

Flight Booked.

I booked my flight home yesterday, scary! On the 1st November I will being leaving London flying back home to Australia. To the place I had nothing in the first place which is why I left. Am I being really stupid going back? I can't ask anyone, my family would be heart broken if they thought it even crossed my mind. I say it will be different this time, I will actually make an effort, make friends (as I lost all the ones I once had), I'll go out. But will I? I only did it over here cause I had to.I had to look normal I had to do something or I would not have survived. But back home it is all so easy to not do anything to go to work and come home and go to work again and you realise the entire week has passed and you have seen no one but your parents and your sister who you are fighting with but you can't remember why - only that it's you're fault.

I'm embracing my blog fully again. I will write down every day what I have eaten and be judged accordingly. That is the only way. I have had a terrible week, since Friday and my mum's care parcel arrived. I will have gained this week, even knowing it, it will send a shudder down my spine on Wednesday when it's confirmed as I weigh in. I just need to have 2 good weeks, that will get me back into the swing of things.

I've been throwing up a lot lately. In fact for the last 4 days. The scary thing is now I actually go out and buy food knowing that I will throw it straight back up. I never used to do that. Back in the day I was fine eating it saying I wouldn't throw it up I had been good all week and it was only when I got to the end with that full feeling that made me feel revolting that it just had to come up. Now even before the first mouthful I know it can't stay in me. I'm too fat for that.

I really feel like cutting, I've resisted so far, haven't done in a month or two, can't remember. I don't know how much longer I can resist it though its getting stronger and stronger.

FUCK!

I swear my mother has a sixth sense for when I'm doing well on a diet and BANG that's when the care parcel arrives. Fuck me! Full of food that I love from back home so I haven't had it in ages. I tried to be strong I really did. And I was going so well it was 6pm and had only had 345 calories for the day. But I royally screwed up. In went chocolate after chocolate after chocolate and then some chips. I tried to throw up afterwards but since I hadn't planned on having a binge and thought I might actually have some self control I wasn't drink while I was eating which means I didn't bring much up at all.

I'm gutted.

I was going to have the day off the gym tomorrow, but now I'll have to do extra in the hopes I can be forgiven by Wednesday weigh in. Fingers crossed if I'm good the rest of the week the scales won't go up. PLEASE don't let them go up.

Been awhile...

Feels like ages since I last posted, I've gotten so lazy (and tired!). I haven't been bad in my absence, well not all bad anyway. I even managed to lose 1.6kg on my Wednesday weigh which really surprised me the amount of food I had eaten, I had on had 3 really good days in the entire week one alright day and the rest were rubbish!

Have been to the gym 3 times this week and will go again on Saturday, I haven't been in so long so just taking it easy before I got back to every day.

Shall post properly this weekend it being a bank holiday and all I will actually get time!

A Girl Can Dream...

Can't she????

One day at a time.

Until I get passed these few times I have to go out and actually be social I am not doing any set diet, just trying to keep my calories low. Cause if I started a proper diet like the ABC again I will have ruined cause I find it quite hard to count calories in a restaurant, yes I can guess but what if I am out I would have gone over calories and not even know it! That freaks me out.

Today I did really well. Finally! My total calories was 429. And walked home which burnt 469!! So if you work in net I'm on -40 but since I don't work in net (damn) I'm still on 429. lol.

I still can't get the comments of I can be really beautiful I've just need to reach my potential out of my head. Everything they said just keeps on going round and round in my head. I guess I should be greatful, its the kick start I needed.

Friends are annoying.

So turns out friends are really fucking annoying when you are trying to diet!  Never really had the problem before cause never really had much of a social life. But it was my friends birthday on Monday and everyone had arranged to go out to dinner on Wednesday so I made up the excuse that I had to babysit after work, thinking I would just go to the gym. No such fucking luck! They changed the day especially for me to Thursday grrrr! We're doing tapas so hopefully can get away with not eating much at all. But to make matters even worse my flat mate says tonight so are you all set for Saturday and I'm like 'Saturday????' and she says for H's birthday. I'm just like WHAT I thought that's what Thursday was for but oh no we are going out Saturday as well. Fuck me.
I'm not going to let this ruin me though. I'm still starting my diet tomorrow. Going to have a max of 500 calories then I'm walking home from work. Thursday I'm not too stressed about yet as I'm not working I'm hoping to just save up all my calories for dinner and just pick at it. Saturday I don't know what the hell I'm going to do.

Was better off when I had no life.

Reach your potential.

My boss told me tonight (M's Dad) that if was very beautiful and that if I only ate properly and did some more exercise that I could look really good. That I've got potential and I can be really beautiful. Was a bit more of a blow when M's mother agreed. Just a few kgs.

I know it's true and I say it to myself all the time..well not the I'm beautiful part lol. Just hate hearing it from people, like I know that's whAt people think I'm a fat heffa.

That's what I'm going to do. Reach my potential.

Gah

Was doing alright with my eating today until I got a craving for nothing I particular just food in general. I went up and cooked a sausage and piece of toast... It just wasn't worth it thought and I ended up throwing half of it in the bin.

Went for a huge walk today in the woods 2 hrs and 15 minutes was completely exhausted after it as most of climbing up! Also did. My 100 laps in the pool. I'm hoping it makes up a little bit for the rubbish dinner I had last night.. Which I did throw up but I still ate it like the fat pig that I am.

I have a question for all you have that have decent blogs out there how do I write on my other page?  I have one but can't for the life of me work out how to put stuff on it.

I had a dream about my shrink last night. I went there but she or I (we couldn't work out which) had got the days mixed up so she was busy and couldn't see me so booked me another appointment for the next day and went back to this group of girls. I was really upset about it.
I have actually been thinking about emailing her and telling her I am moving home at the end of the year but as if  she would care she is paid to pretend to are!

I'm totally psyched  about starting my diet on Wednesday my sister and I are going to email each other every week to say how much we have lost. I rSally think knowing that she is loosing is really the thing I need to keep me on track and motivated.

Trip cancelled

I'm really annoyed I went online to book my trip to Egypt etc and it wasn't on the site which means its all booked out or they don't do that date anymore, which was what I was planning everything around. Hve emailed them just to make sure I'm not missing it on the site, but I'm gutted! So now I don't know what to do. Work for another month and save the money/ still finish on the 12th October and go home then or try and find another tour that starts around the 21st don't know where in the world I want to go.. I really had my heart set on the Egypt trip.

Had a rubbish day today. After another good day yesterday with 400 and something calories I had over 600 calories today!!! Gah. I don't know how many exactly but was between 600 and 1000 definitely didn't go over 1000. I just want to cry! My only hope for this time in Norway is that I haven't gained too much since my last official weigh in.

I'm all set to start being really good on the Wednesday, the day after we get back to London. My sister is starting the 12 week challenge at the gym back home which I'm hoping knowing she is loosing loads of weight each week will help motivate me to keep going.

Good Day :)

So with 486 calories to my name today, it is fairly decent. I've just got out of the pool after doing 100 laps and 90 squats. Also with a 30 minute walk to the lake. There is a lot of room for improvement  but it's a start. I just need to remember what a good feeling this gives me when I get off track again.

I've just started reading a new book on anorexia to use as thinspiration. Working well I'm hoping it will keep me in line.

Going Home!

Off the island and back in Oslo where my wi-fi works YAY!
It's official I am moving back to Australia. Last day of work is the 12th October then I've got one week in London before doing a 20 day trip to Egypt, Israel and Jordon then heading home.

Now that we are back in Oslo I hAv got to get things back on track. It's not like I have been eating really huge meals or anything I've just been grazing through out the day which is really bad! Don't know how much damage I've done (thank goodness) cause I have not scales here. I have to get my shit together.

I CAN NOT GO HOME FAT! I can't this situation is getting desperate! Wish I could buy I tape warm *sigh*