Anxiety

I have had the worst anxiety today! Talking myself down on the bus you know the usual everything will be ok, it's ok stop freaking out! Cause I am! I am completely freaking out about going home. I don't want to, I want to stay in London. I should be excited about seeing my family. I'm not. All they are going to think is how fat I am, I know it. And I really want to fast as soon as I get home (the day after I land) but I know my mum will be watching me. I've wanted to cut so badly lately but have been resisting. I've only got 2 full days left in London. FARRRRRRRRRRRRK!

-0.4

So had a miserable weight loss this week, but I guess at least it was something. 0.4kg. I don't expect to lose this week as I will pretty much be eating non stop over the weekend (stupid birthdays and leaving drinks).
This is my last Friday in London :(  but am looking forward to getting home and doing some serious dieting.

Fat Cow

A fat cow is all I am.
My diet is completely and utterly fucked at the moment. I just can't stop eating. I know I will be able to do so much better when I get home but fuck I can't keep eating until then I will be the size of a freaking house.

Fraud

I feel like a complete fraud writing today.
I screwed things up big time with my food. At the markets I went to today I was going well then just thought screw it and had 2 pieces of pizza and a nutella crepe. Then on the way home I got McDonald's, that one I did throw up but I was way to late to undo the damage of the afternoon.
I just want to rewind time to when I could fast for days and days on end. Maybe when I move home and have literally nothing to do and no flatmates to try and be normal for I will get things back on track again.

Will try my hardest to stay strong tomorrow.

821.

BLAH! 821 calories for today. I am really annoyed at that! And I didn't do that exercise DVD again cause my legs are just so sore from doing to yesterday. I did walk around London for a good 4 hours though so hoping that means I didn't do too much damage with the high calories.
I'm glad to be back on track, should  make it through the weekend too. The next thing I have to worry about is brunch on Wednesday morning for my friends birthday. Then I have high tea with my boss (or ex boss now) on Thursday then on the weekend I have the same friends birthday dinner/drinks then on Sunday my own leaving dinner/drinks. So I'm pretty much fucked next week but I'm hoping if I'm really good up until then and then they are all one bad meal (hopefully not to bad) days I won't do too much damage.

I keep on getting emails from family and the few friends I have back home asking me if I'm getting excited and that everyone there is super excited. I can't really write back and say that I'm fucking dreading going home and don't want to leave London anymore.

Will try to be strong all weekend.

Sort of decent day.

So I'm sitting on 531 calories for the day. Although it is only 6:00pm so could have a disaster yet... I'm hoping I don't though! I even did a random exercise DVD this afternoon I was that bored. It is all I have now that I have cancelled my gym membership and I accidently packed all my 'gym jackets' so can't even go walking if I don't want to die of hypothermia.

I haven't left the house today which has and hasn't helped. Helped with the not eating a huge amount but most of the day I've just wanted to cut! So tomorrow I am going into Covent Garden and going to the National Portrait Gallery. Have also just booked Wicked the musical for Monday night. Need to fill up my days so I don't go completely crazy!



Damn it!! I was doing so well. Unfortunately didn't make my in the 500s I have a total of 601 calories for the day. FUCK IT 2 calories. But I shall try again tomorrow.
I was so proud of myself my flatmates ordered pizza, I so badly wanted some but when he asked me (when he was ordering) I was like noooooooo before I had a chance to think about it too much and then of I wanted some but I couldn't really ask for theirs :) great!!!

Too FAT!!!!

WHY can't I stop eating?! Why?!
This shit is so fucked up.

I will be under 600 calories tomorrow I WILL! I just need to get one day done then I won't want to ruin it, it's the first day that is the hardest.

I'm dreading moving home. Although very crazy do actually want to see my shrink.... although I also really really don't. She won't have to ask what I've done with the nearly 18months I've been overseas she'll just think to herself 'oh yah you go fat!' so I won't be able to see her until I have lost weight. A decent amount of weight too.

Unemployment really doesn't sit well with me. I swear if I was every properly unemployed and couldn't find work I would be morbidly obese.

This is what I am about to become....

If I don't stop eating this is what I will become! I have gained another kg. I fucking hate it. My goal was to go back home thin and pretty, now I'm even fatter. I fucking hate it!
I've spent today packing up boxes to ship home, I originally thought most of my clothes would come in my suitcase but dress after dress after dress I pulled out could go into a box cause it doesn't fit me! My new goal is to fit into EVERYTHING I have shipped home by the time it reaches me in Australia. So that will be quite awhile so very doable!

No work.

So my first week that I don't have to work. I thought I would be excited. I'm not at all. 

Although at least tomorrow I will be distracted with a cake course. 

I just want to cut.

Prada, Prada, Prada.

So my boss took me to Harrods today to buy my leaving present. I got a prada dress, blue that I'm inlove with. A yellow prada handbag, and then blue shoes to go with!
I tried on so much stuff. There were so many things I hated, well not hated the dress hated them on me. I just wanted to break down and cry but I'm just like 'you're with your boss you have to keep it together' I was quite proud I managed to.
I just want to lose some weight and I'm sure it will look even better.

Weigh in....

So weigh in wasn't as bad as I was thinking it would be. I did gain 100 grams, but I thought I was going to be a minimum 1.5kg!!!
I do need to get everything sorted though!
I've been so stressed with all this packing and getting things into line. And then even more so now I got an email from my mum my uncle (who is VERY sick with cancer and has basically given up) caught the garage on fire and my aunty hears a bang at 1am and goes in and there he is in the middle with dressing gown on fire she manages to get him out and call fire brigade and police. He's now in hospital with 3rd degree burns and they can't do skingraph cause he was in such a bad way after chemo that they have nowhere to take it from.

I'm stressed about leaving work. Although the nanny replacing me who has been following me around for the week seems really lovely.

Life is crazy and hectic and I don't like it. I just need to stop eating all this crap then things will balance out.

Off with my boss to shop for my leaving present. God the last thing I want to do is go around Harrods trying on clothes. I feel like a fucking obese heffa.

Can't stop eating.

This is just getting ridiculous I just can't stop eating. I have GOT to stop.
I was going so well for awhile there now I have screwed everything up. I'm so scared to weigh in on Wednesday as I know I would have gained a lot.  I thought about skipping my morning weigh but I think I need to be faced with the disgusting facts and then maybe I will get my fat bum into gear.

Off to Bath!!!

I'm so excited we are having a girls weekend in Bath, leave tomorrow morning. Just one night wish we were going longer but impossible.

Things have been so busy I've just spent two nights at work when M's mum was away in Scotland. Tired.

I only have one week left. Everything is going too fast. I'm gaining weight. I hate it. I need to get my eating back into some sort of respectable pattern. After this weekend its on like donkey kong.

I gained on Wednesday  A LOT can't remember exact number so will have to put it in next post.

My goal is to lose every week until I go home, even if its just 100 grams or something I just have to STOP gaining.

Will try and write properly on Monday. My head is crazy at the moment.