A new year a new me.

It's that time of year again, that time where nearly the entire world has a new years resolution to lose weight. And unfortunately I am among them. For as long as I can remember it has always been number one on my list I don't know what I would have on the list if it wasn't to do with getting rid of this disgusting fat that engulfs my body.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were not good. I completely lost my willpower on Christmas Eve. It's awful just how much damage can be done in one and a half days of not watching what you eat. I've put on 1.8. Just shows that you can never break, never lose your willpower, never lose focus of the goal that you want or it all gets ruined.

Stayed the same!

I know I said I would be happy if I just didn't gain and I stayed the same. I'm not! I'm absolutely mortified! I'm such a fat failure, I hate it, I hate it so much! I'm on track though and hope to lose a decent amount this week.
I normally just freak out and eat but not this time. I AM GOING TO BE THIN! I did my couch to 5k app yesterday at the gym then this morning I did a body attack class and then did 5km on the treadmil  I'm working hard at the gym this week to try and make up for staying the same.

I can do this. I WILL be thin and not this fat, disgusting cow I am now.

Anxiety

I had the worst anxiety last night! My sister had a house warnming dinner (just for family) and I went in planning to count my points and not break my diet but it didn't happen. I ate, and then knowing if I stopped eating straight away I wouldn't be able to throw up cause we wouldn't leave straight away I kept on eating! From the moment I stopped ( i kept drinking sprite zero) my anxiet level went through the roof I was practically climbing the walls, I nearly started crying! I didn't have my car with me so had to wait until mum and dad wanted to leave it was awful! I haven't felt that way in such a long time! So we finally got home and I went straight in and threw up but you never bring EVERYTHING up. It's my weigh in tomorrow with WW and I'm totally freaked out! I know I've ruined! Ruined it for one fcking meal! How could I be so, so stupid?!? As well as throwing up I downed some laxatives so I'm hoping to have at the very least stayed the same. I hope I haven't gained!

I'm back on track today, but that isn't going to make a difference.

Psychiatrists

I know I should really see my shrink. I've been feeling bad, not leaving the house and the cutting as well but I just can't be bothered. I mean she hasn't changed my thinking in nearly 10 years so what's the point of seeing her?

I'm not sure if it is just my shrink or they all do it but whenever she suggests something like CBT it's about sending me to someone else, nutritionist send me to someone else it's like she doesn't want to do anything and I wonder if they are all like this or it is just mine? Is it because they aren't qualified to do it I know nutrionist is different but can't they do pretty much everything else? Or is it really just medication that they can give you?

I know I need to see her but I won't, not while I'm this fat.

Liebster Blog Award

Sorry guys haven't been on for awhile so only just realised that I have been nominated! Don't actually know what the Liebster Blog Award is cause i haven't been reading other blogs for ages, just can't be bothered doing anything. But will look at them after this and see what's what.
Want to say a HUGE thanks to Judith Marie - dying.for.perfection http://prioritythin.blogspot.com.au/?zx=a17af06cd9b0f75b for nominating me! Also want to thank Miss Bones Jackson for a nomination but I can't get onto your page!

The Rules.

In your next blog post....
1.Thank the person/people who nominated you & Include a link to their blog.
2.Include 11 things about yourself.
3.Answer the 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
4.Choose 11 bloggers to nominate, they must have less than 200 followers.
5.Create 11 questions for them to answer.
6.Let them know you nominated them.

11 Things about me:

1. I'm 25 years old
2. I'm Australian
3. I spend my life looking after other peoples children and sometimes raising them in ways I don't agree with as a Nanny
4. I've never had a proper boyfriend
5. I love cake decorating and wish I was better at it
6. I HATE clothes shopping it makes me want to take to my bed and never get out
7. I love Harry Potter!
8. I used to play netball and was really good, I was in a rep team until things turned to shit
9. I have very few friends
10. I am a very fussy eater even if I didn't have an ED!
11. I have no idea what I want in life

Dying.For.Perfection's Questions

1. How would your life be different if you didn't have an ED?

How would my life be different? I don't know! I don't know if I would have chosen the same career or what. I know I would have finished high school and gone on to study something at uni. I wouldn't have lost my friends.
2. Thinspiration or reverse thinspiration and why?

Mostly thinspiration cause that's what I want to look like! If I exercise and stick to my diet I'll look beautiful like that one day too. Occasionally reverse thinspo as i don't want to look like that EVER!
3. Favourite item of clothing?

Dresses/ skirts!  I don't own any jeans or trousers I'm too fat to wear them.
4. What is your dream holiday?

Really want to go to Africa!
5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (can't be body related!)

Everything! I guess I would like to be smarter more well read and know things about politics and that.
6. Besides your ED, what is your next biggest problem?

Depression and self harm
7. How much do you think the fashion industry has contributed to your ED?

Not in the development in my disorder at all. I was never interested in fashion and fashion magazines. Now however I use them as thinspiration and long for a body like they have.
8. Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Would you ever get any?

Have my ears pierced. Nothings else and no tattoos. Wouldn't get any.
9. How does your ED affect your relationships?

I've never been in a relationship with a guy.I lost all my friends. New people I meet I feel I'm always hiding something from.
10. If you were on death row, what would be your last meal?

Roast chicken with roast pot. yorkshire pudding, or chicken kiev with chips. Ben and Jerry ice cream!
11. What is top of your bucket list?

Honestly not sure. Well to lose weight but other than that I don't know what i want in life.

 

I'm going to go and have a look at peoples blogs again before I make my nominations as I'm so behind on blogs at the moment.

Lost again.

Was excited for weigh in yesterday lost another 1.6kg! Which isn't as good as the first week but I suppose I can't really expect to lose that much every week. In two weeks I've lost 5% of my body weight which is a decent effort. But need to do so much more.
One of my friends said today that I'm looking too thin. For half a second it made me feel good, made me smile but after that split second I was annoyed. I hate people saying that to me when I'm so clearly not! It just makes me so angry!

I cut again two days ago, stressing out about weigh in and just generally feeling like shit. I just wanted to cry so I cut instead. The urge is coming back again today.

I just hate that I have nothing in my life. Absolutely nothing! Well I've got family ofcourse but they don't count. i want somethign of my own, anything!

The family I used to work for asked me to go away with them this weekend, I'm not. I can think of nothing I would rather do less, which is quite worrying cause they have always been my sanity. Always. And I would always put everything else off to spend more time with them and now I just can't be bothered.

Lost and Depressed.

I haven't written for awhile, but for a change it hasn't been because I've been bad on my diet it's just because I've been a fat, lazy cow. On Thursday morning I had Weight Watchers weigh in and for my first week I lost 3.2kg. I was so excited, but now it is Sunday that has all vanished. This time last week I had already lost a decent amount but this week I've only lost .4, I can't handle this, it's freaking me out! I need to lose it, I need to lose all this fat.

I'm officially an aunty. I'm definately excited but not as much as I thought I would be. Why did I come back for something that really has nothing to do with me? I've got nothing in this country. I've got 1 friend, we don't go out. I live at home with mum and dad. I've got nothing. But then the thought of moving back to London of having to find another job and another place to live just fills me with dread.

I just need to lose this fat and I will be happier.