cut :(

I was just feeling like crap today and I ended up cutting, not bad at all, but still did it, twice actually. I can't remember the when the last time was I have in the last year but definitely not in the last 6 months... well there goes that.

I just don't fucking see the point at the moment. I'm a fat, ugly, disgusting pig and I don't have the willpower to change it. No one is ever going to like me so what's the point anyway?

Hate Summer

I absolutely HATE summer! I hate being hot, if I could I would just follow winter around the world. The heat seems to be so much worse in London like there is no nice breeze and it is just hot pollution seeping into you.

Approx. calorie intake for today is 580. Didn't even start the day trying that hard but I dunno I just couldn't be bothered eating. My boss was like oh have you eaten dinner... nah I'll eat when I get home. Yah right! I don't even own any food in the flat. Really all I own food wise is a packet of strawberry lollies worth 9 calories each.

1 more day until the weekend and then I have a cupcake decorating course YAY I'm really excited. Am going to try and be decent tomorrow during the day as we have friends coming over in the arvo for dinner (some take away don't know what yet) but hopefully I can get away without eating too much of it.

Pig

Today I think I averaged about 1200 cals? Not sure. Why can't I do this? Why do I have to be this fat and ugly and disgusting? I'm just so over it. I hate myself so much and it is never going to change. Honestly apart from the last year which I've been living in London I have been seeing my shrink for what about 10 years my thinking hasn't changed. The only thing that has changed is now I'm a fat fucking cow.

I disgust myself and everyone around me.

beef downfall

So another day ruined by a fucking burger. I was acting all normal with my friend saying 'oh yah I love burgers, who doesn't' thinking she had to be home in a few minutes but then she took me to get a burger for lunch couldn't then turn around and say I hate them. sheesh. On the way home I was wanting to vomit but I said no I'll be good and won't do it but then I remembered it was weigh in tomorrow morning and thought FUCK. I didn't got much up, as I hadn't been planning to do it I wasn't drinking loads for the meal but anything is better than nothing.

My calories for today is approx. 1004 but am hoping it wasn't really that much since the burger place we went to wasn't a chain it isn't in MyFitness Pal so had to guess what it would be close to (went for a high option to be on the safe side) and I also threw some of it up!

Went to aqua class at the gym. All I could think about was how fat and ugly I am, my board shorts were tight they generally aren't even when I have put on a bit of weight so I must have put on sooo much for them to be as tight as they are which just lead me into a downward spiral honestly I nearly started crying right there in the pool. I'm not looking forward to weigh in tomorrow as I think I must weight A LOT more than I think I do!!!

Decent Day.

I have finally had a mostly decent day with food and exercise. My calories were approx. 767 probably a wee bit more as I had a bite or two of M's food during the day to test temperature. I walked to work which was fine but made the very stupid decision to walk home. I've already come up in blisters my feet are in so much pain. I wanted to catch the bus half way home but the stupid thing just wouldn't come so I kept on walking. I CAN'T DO THIS! I will have to just go back to the gym, I'll do some swimming until these blisters heal and then get back on the treadmill. I feel like such a fat failure but I just can't take it.

My boss asked me today if I was any closer to making a decision about going home or not... I told her I wasn't, I just don't know how to tell her I'm probably just going to go home.

Fat and Pathetic me is off to bed.

31 Days Left

I counted up the days remaining on my 100 day challenge and I have 31 days left. I don't think I will be able to lose the 10kg that is my goal for the challenge but surely I will be able to lose SOMETHING! I start my diet for this 31 days tomorrow starting with walking to work again, not sure for how long I did 2 weeks last time so would like to do that again maybe some more??? Just walking to work the first week with the second possibly going to the gym or walking home too. I would rather walk home as well but I feel terrible paying 78 pounds a month for a gym membership and never going.

Apart from walking to work another thing starting tomorrow is I am giving up chocolate, AGAIN! I just had the worst chocolate binge I hate to think how many calories I consumed, at least I had only had popcorn today, but yes giving up chocolate for the last 31 days. So the next time I am allowed to eat it is on the 25th July. I can totally do this.

On this side of my holiday it is nearly time to make a decision re moving home or staying in London. I think at the moment I am leaning towards moving home. I just don't know. I was talking about it with my sister when she was over and she asked me where I was happiest. I said happy is quite a strong word. I'm not really happier in either place they are both the same they are both just places where I live, I wake up go to work and then come home from work. Yes I have a few more 'friends' in London but if I moved home I would hope I could make some sort of effort and make some friends there too. The main thing remains that I would regret not being there for my niece/nephews birth and helping out in the first few months. I would be over here hearing stories and hating that I am not there and enjoying the baby too. Then I have my sisters wedding which she doesn't need help planning but again I would hate to miss out on it and would be over here jealous as knowing they are all planning it together and having fun without me.

100 Day Challenge Screwed!

I haven't posted in so long, have been slack I know. But the last 2 weeks I've been in Eastern Europe and the wi-fi in all the places we were staying were rubbish and before that I had my sister staying with me for a week so didn't get a chance.

I have been so bad. Eating everything in sight with no exercise (apart from walking around everywhere when on the tour). I started this 100 day challenge but have completely screwed it up I've only got about a month left, I think will have to go and count back but the main and most important goal of loosing 10kg well that is completely fucked. From the holiday I have put on A LOT! So what I lost at the start of the challenge is back on plus more. I will obviously try and get back on track this week but I'm sure I won't lose the 10kg we'll see how we go maybe I can lose 5.

I'm just so disappointed in myself.  Here is an update of my goals list:

• Lose 10kg (22lbs)
• Walk to work for 2 weeks
• Do my Couch to 5k app and get past half way this time (although hopefully more)
• Sort out part 1 of my sisters engagement present
• Keep to a max. of 600 calories a day for 2 weeks (again would hope to go longer but 2 weeks is my official goal)
• Fly home for engagement party AND keep it a secret
• Go to the Harry Potter Studio Tour
• Buy dress for engagement party
• Work out how to do other pages/tabs for blog
• Buy myself a pandora charm for being 1 year in london
• Save 2000 pounds  have done better saved 6000!
• Go to the theatre
• Do more cake decorating courses
• Holiday to Eastern Europe
• Get cover for Ipad
• Sort out Harry Potter Lego
• Pack away winter clothes and sort out summer clothes
• Read 5 books
• Buy something for my sisters baby (when she hits 12 weeks)
• Try and meet more people in London

Next challenge update will be at the end, not looking foward to that, but I will try and post regularly!