Packing

So I've just started packing and is always the way with me I've got way to much crap that I want to take with me. I'm finding it quite stressful trying to take things out cause I can't afford to buy lots of new stuff as soon as I get there so sort of need it all. There are of course a few things I've already put back in the cupboard knowing my boss would think they are awful, even though I love them! She's big into fashion, buys the most expensive clothes and I just know I won't be able to cope with the comments in the frame of mind I'm in at the moment.

I'm getting more and more anxious about not having scales with me. I won't be able to see it going on (if it does, hopefully it won't!) I won't be able to check each day and by the time my clothes start getting tight it's too late I'm already fat, it is really freaking me out, I can't stop thinking about it and I can't talk to anyone about it cause they will just laugh at me.

A few people in one of my posts suggested that I see/talk to someone in London. My shrink does actually want me to do this but it isn't really possible. She doesn't know anyone over there to recommend, which isn't a bad thing would be happy to find my own but since I work 7am - 7pm  Monday - Friday there isn't really a chance for me to see anyone. There were a couple of people I was looking up that do evening sessions but I'm assuming evening sessions would finish at around 6:30 and I wouldn't be able to get to anyone until 7:30 at the absolute earliest - and that's if they are really close, so I might just have to try and keep myself sane hahaha yep I'm laughing at that too!

Moving back to London

It is official I'm going back to London until early December. My shrink thought it was a very good idea, well she wanted me back in September to do some 'intensive therapy' but December isn't that much longer.

I'm so worried. I'm worried that without supervision my weight will drop very fast, which I would love! I'm also scared it will go the opposite way, I gained so much when I was in London before and I'm very anxious about this happening again. I'm anxious about everything, life in general, which I've never really had and I just can't seem to shake it.

I'm going to miss my nephew so much! He's 7 months old and this next 6 months is going to be massive in his development and I'm going to miss it all! I'm also going to come back and he will have no idea who I am.
I'm going to miss 'my children' the 5 I used to nanny for and are like my other family.

I don't want to go, but I do want to go. I just don't know what I want from my life, I don't think it will ever amount to anything.