fuck, fuck FUCK!

I was sitting on 475 until just THEN when my room mate called me out she had just made some cupcakes and had saved me one. I had to eat it, she was watching me, it tasted soo good. But now I feel like crap another day ruined!

Who am I kidding with hoping to have lost weight this week, it isn't possible to lose weight with the amount of crap I have been eating. All I can really hope for is that I haven't gained.

It's a long weekend this weekend plus my boss is also giving me Friday YAY so I'm contemplating a fast....

Over 600 again :(

Well when I woke up this morning and has 73 calories (boots salt and vinegar spirals) for breakfast I then knew that it would have to be a eat and throw up for dinner instead of trying to keep calories really low.

I went prepared, minties for the breath, tissues to wipe face incase they didn't have paper towels, perfume incase the smell lingered and hand lotion to get the smell of my hands. All went to plan. Had to smile to myself when I went to suss out the bathroom situation and someone hadn't flushed properly in one of the cubicles so you could still there that they had been sick.  Knowing that it wasn't staying in me I ordered a lot. Chicken burger, chips corn on the cob and garlic bread the guy even commented hungry are you (I was mortified) I was so full after eating it all but felt so much better after getting it all up. After that though I did have a piece of cake or pudding which is what brings me over the 600 cals for today.

With nothing else on the calender to ruin my under 600 for two weeks I start it again tomorrow and really think I will get it in (finally).

Not looking foward to work in the morning, I'm so over it. At least I don't have to walk :)

Starting to stress about this weeks weigh in will the two days I've been bad make a really big difference? I really don't want to gain after my decent weight loss for last week.

Boot Camp

Did boot camp in the rain this morning. I am so unfit it isn't even funny. But at least I did it.

Total calories for today 585. Wish it was less, but it's not. Was proud of myself though when my room mate got a burger and chips for lunch and I had a boring chicken sandwich. I so badly wanted a burger they looked and smelt sooo good.

I hate being such a fat, ugly pig. I just want to be thin! Why is that too much to ask?

Nando's tomorrow night, have been spending a lot of time looking at the menu and calories there is definately stuff I can eat I'm just worried I will forget the exact calories when I get there and go over 600 cals not meaning to. Then I thought I could just eat what I want and throw it up but not sure what the toilet situation is like if there is only 1 or what if someone I am out to dinner with wants to go to the bathroom at the same time them I'm screwed and would have all that food in me.

I dunno, shall report tomorrow.

Ultimate FAIL

Well as the title suggests I completely failed at avoiding food at my charges 1st Birthday party today. I was good up until a certain point but about an hour into the party something snapped and I just ate everything in site. I would have gone over 2000 calories today, I feel awful. I didn't even get a nice sugar high, I just felt awful the entire time I was eating it but I just wouldn't  couldn't stop myself. I'm so disappointed, all I want to do is cut, but as I have enough ugly scars on my body I am trying not to.

On the way home I was still on my fuck it all attitude and stopped into McDonald's which just sent me over the edge and threw it up, so the McDonald's doesn't really count.

I really hope getting straight back on track tomorrow is going to effect my weigh in on Wednesday too much. I know I have to start again for my under 600 calories a day but am hoping against hope that I haven't done too much damage. Stressing out about it.

Tomorrow morning I have boot camp training in the park with my room mate, first time we're doing it I'm quite looking foward to it. Then going to have a break of exercise on Sunday and Monday and go back to the gym on Tuesday night.

I'm so angry with myself, I can't believe I did that today. Like I didn't even enjoy it you know. I just felt ill after it all. Hopefully that will stop me eating crap tomorrow when we go to this International Cake show.

Hope everyone else is doing better than me.

Cupcakes are a comin'

Totally freaking out that I won't have the willpower at my charges first birthday party tomorrow that I need.

Baked lots of cupcakes today, and apart from licking my fingers and tasting 1 without icing to make sure they were cooked I didn't do too bad. Put bowls and spoons straight into the sink and ran water on them to stop me from eating all the cake mix on the sides YUM!

Walked to work. Got completely rained on. Last one tomorrow morning then back to the gym instead, my entire body is aching!

Total calories for today 590.

Three days on less than 600 calories GO ME! Just hope I can keep it up. Am going out to dinner with my room mate on Sunday night... eeek. Will have to see where we are going and suss out the menu online to see what has the lowest calories.

Lost!

YAY!

Weigh in this morning and I lost 2.3kg (5.1lbs) very excited about that after the crap gains I've had the previous  2 weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to pull off a number like that again next week.

Cupcakes are looming..... have to start baking them tomorrow, so badly want to be strong.

Have been invited out to dinner with a group of people on Friday night have have declined as I need to keep in my head that weight loss is goal number one for this 100 day challenge not socializing.

Walked to work again today, it rained on  me :( . Only 2 more days to go and then I've completed my 2 weeks worth thank fucking goodness my blisters are so sore!

Total 549 calories for today.

Boring Posts

I know my posts are getting boring but I really just don't have much to say at the moment, well that's not quite true I have lots of stuff going through my head that I could write but I'm just soo tired when I get home from work I can't be bothered.

Weigh in tomorrow eeeek. This is the first week in ages that I haven't snuck on the scales mid week to see how things are going. I hate that because I will be all set for a big loss and then when that doesn't happen I will be disappointed... it always happens like that!

Had a good day of eating today, finally I hear you say :) total was 274! Plus did my big walk to work this morning.

Very worried about Friday it's my charges birthday and I am making lots of chocolate and vanilla cupcakes but my boss came home today with lots of cakes too, chocolate ones from M&S it is going to be so hard to resist but I really want to because by Friday (working on if I'm actually good till then) it will be my 4th day on 600 cals or less so if I break it then I will have to start my 2 weeks all over again.

Off to bed.

58 cals over

AHHHHHHHHHH!
I am so annoyed with myself, I mis-calculated my soup today and thinking I was doing really well and was under my 600 goal I am actually 58 calories OVER! I was really hoping to start my 2 week with a max of 600 today but with this mistake will have to start tomorrow yet another day further away from my goal :(

Walked to work again today, only took an hour and 54mins today YAY getting faster.

How can I be over work for the week when it's only Monday?

Blah

No post yesterday.. why? Cause I'm just a big fat lazy pig.

Met a few girls, the hope of just having soup for dinner went completely out the window.

Was doing really well today until about an hour ago and I had some chocolate which took my lovely total of 506 calories right up to 1000. I'm such a failure.

Tomorrow I am walking to work again YAY. At least one thing is going well. It is sposed to be really cold tomorrow, hopefully I'll burn a few extra calories.
I'm going to start my goal of 2 weeks on a maximum of 600 calories tomorrow too, I want to be strong enough to do it I've been such a fat pig lately.

PIG.

I have eaten like a complete fucking pig today. I would have just gone over 1000 calories I think.Walked to walk but even with that 2 hrs exercise I ate WAY too much.

My boss is getting into a very annoying habit of giving me food lectures. It drives me nuts, I do wish I could just yell at her to shut up but of course being my boss I can't. She bought home a huge chocolate chip biscuit one for me one for her, she knows I'm trying to be good yet brings it home anyway. GRRR!

I'm so desperate to weigh myself but my flatmates are home and I don't want them to think I'm weird weighing myself randomly at night, as I have to weigh myself in the kitchen cause that is the only place that doesn't have carpet... stupid London houses.
I also don't want to weigh myself, cause although I haven't been perfect I've been fairly decent since Wednesday and if I've stayed or gone up I think I would just want to shoot myself in the head.

Am meeting someone new tomorrow (part of my being more social for my 100 day challenge). I don't know about everyone else but when I meet someone new it might be for coffee or a drink or as most of them are other nannies meet up with the children we look after but this girl wants to meet up mid afternoon walk around the shops for awhile and then go for drink and then go for dinner. WTF? I don't want to spend that much time with someone I've just met... my flatmate met her last week, said she was a bit weird too. :/

Going to try and be good even though I'm going out I'm going to try and only have an apple till dinner and then hoping they have soup or something. Fingers crossed.


YAY for the weekend can't wait to rest my sort feet.

Rain, rain go away!

I used to absolutely love the rain when I was back home, not I just want it to go away already. I can't do anything with M, especially in central London, it makes for a VERY, VERY long work day!

Did my walk to work again this morning.I do with my blisters would go away!

I was going well with my eating until I was cleaning out the kitchen cupboards at work and found some chocolate, I thought I will just have one, but noooo I had to be a fat pig and have 6. Didn't have my soup for dinner because of it but that doesn't really make a difference when you eat so much chocolate.

Breakfast: Rusks = 57 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 106 calories

Dinner: None = 0 calories

Snacks: Chocolates = 348 calories

Apple = 72 calories

Total = 583

If only I didn't eat those bloody chocolates!

Still don't know what to do about moving home, it's doing my head in thinking about it.

Gained again :(

WTF?!?!
How can I have gained 1.8kg in 1 week? How does that happen? How does ANYONE gain that much in 1 week. My only thought is maybe I didn't gain THAT much, I know I gained but maybe since I'm back on my London scales and not the ones in Norway?? PLEASE LET THAT BE IT!!

Finally had a decent day eating wise.
Also walked to work again so that's another 2 hours of exercise my feet are sore I've got some huge blisters happening.

Breakfast: Apple = 72 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks 108 calories

Dinner: Chicken Soup = 204 calories

Snacks: A few bites of M's french toast = 25 calories

1/2 Mini Pita Bread = 23 calories

OJ = 27 calories

Total = 459 calories

I found what really helped today is going out and buying a few cans of soup to have this week. Normally I say to myself I will do breakfast and lunch and try not to eat again or I will have an apple that clearly wasn't working for me cause I would just eat everything in site. But knowing that I had a bowl of soup coming at dinner time really helped me not eat in the late afternoon and then not eat now that I am home cause I know I've had dinner.

Fingers crossed for a day like this tomorrow!

Got to get my shit sorted!

Just a short post tonight as I'm sooo tired.
Couldn't walk to work this morning as it was pissing down so walked home instead. :) Took me 1hr 52mins so I'm getting fast already YAY. My legs hurt so much though.

Had yet another terrible eating day I don't know what the hell is going on. I had about 992.5 calories. FUCK!

It's weigh in tomorrow I'm not looking foward to it, I know I've gained, I've been eating everything in sight since I gained last weigh in... not really the way to go.

I hate being fat.

I just need to be good for a few days running and then I get my momentum back, I'm going to try so hard to stay on track tomorrow!

Already sore

Got up at 5am this morning to walk to work. It was really weird as I was having dreams that I didn't do it and decided to sleep but I was sort of half away as well like I was trying to talk myself out of it, but I DID IT!
2 hrs later and I arrived at work. Can't wait to do it again tomorrow, also a bit excited that I get a sleep in as my boss has given me the morning off YAY!

Food has been rubbish today, honestly the amount I am eating I will be obese fairly soon, it's fucking ridiculous!

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Pasta = 342 calories

Snacks: OJ = 118 calories

Mini Pita Breads = 225 calories

Total = 873 calories

FUCK IT!!! That is terrible. I was going so well until I was sooo hungry in the afternoon and ate about 5 mini pita breads and then had some pasta for dinner. I will try and be stonger tomorrow.. should be easy as there are no more pita breads left and I didn't enjoy the past at all so that scraps :)

Just need to get my eating under control. 

My Fitness Pal reckons I burnt 463 calories for my 2 hour walk. Don't really believe that though. If it were true it would make my day not THAT bad, bad but not terrible.

Off to bed, hopefully I'll sleep, haven't been lately I just lay there for hours and hours trying to get to sleep. I hate it!

One thing crossed off!

Very excited to have crossed one thing off my list.
Went to the Harry Potter Studio Tours today which was just absolutely amazing! Loved it and recommend it to everybody. Yes, yes I am a Harry Potter fan, I wasn't and refused to read them for years until the 5th book came out at which point I was put into a private psychiatric hospital (what fun :/ ) and I asked my mum to go and buy the 5th book and then rang her while she was out getting it saying I can't start at number 5 you'll have to get 1,2,3 and 4 too. And with that I spent 2 weeks not getting out of bed except to use the bathroom and read all the books. I loved it. At a time where I didn't care if I lived or died, I got to dive into a world of make believe and feel someone else's feelings and not my own. I loved it and when ever I need to disappear from my life these days I will pick up my harry potter books and re-read them.

I start my 2 week of walking to work tomorrow. My flat mates don't think I should as it will still be dark when I leave, they don't realise them saying I shouldn't do it makes me want to do it even more. When I'm half way it should start getting light, it has been raining all night so not quite so excited at the prospect of walking in the rain but I AM doing it.

Lost focus...

I need to remember my ULTIMATE goal for this 100 day challenge. Although I did well on my get out and socialize meet people one today (and will do tomorrow) I need to remember my main goal is to lose weight and really when it comes down to it that is the only one that actually matters!
Now I know why I avoid going out, cause you have to eat or people think you are weird. So how am I supposed to be more social AND lose the weight? I might just have to scrap being social.
Can't wait for this weekend to be finished cause I start my two weeks of walking to work on Monday, I'm actually really excited about it, 2 hrs just to listen to music :)

100 Days

Ok. I would like to thank Skinny Student for the idea as she is my inspiration for this and hopefully her progress with also push me to stick to things too!

I'm back in London and my 100 day challenge begins. It officially finishes on  23rd July but that's a Monday and since I weigh in on a Wednesday I am going to finish it on the 25th July. The main goal is to lose weight but as I said in a previous post I have other things (I've written a list) that I want to do within that 100 days as well.
"Skinny Student" has put 45lbs as her weight loss in the 100 days I am not putting anything near that as much as I very very much wish I could lose that much I don't think I can in 100 days, and in my current frame of mind I'm just not strong enough to do it. I have been VERY realistic with my goals as I don't think I can handle to not reach them at the moment.

My main number 1 goal is to lose 10kg (22lbs) in the 15 weeks. This is very doable, technically more is doable but for 3 of the 15 weeks I assume I won't lose anything (might even put on) as I will be in the presence of my sister :/ so that is why I haven't put a huge weight loss goal down.

The following are my goals, in no particular order, would just like to do them all in the 100 days, some I have already planned but since I am terrible at cancelling anything social that involves me going out I have kept them as goals. I thought I would keep my blog going as normal but maybe every 20 days I would write this same list and cross anything off that I've done.

• Lose 10kg (22lbs)
• Walk to work for 2 weeks
• Do my Couch to 5k app and get past half way this time (although hopefully more)
• Sort out part 1 of my sisters engagement present
• Keep to a max. of 600 calories a day for 2 weeks (again would hope to go longer but 2 weeks is my official goal)
• Fly home for engagement party AND keep it a secret
• Go to the Harry Potter Studio Tour
• Buy dress for engagement party
• Work out how to do other pages/tabs for blog
• Buy myself a pandora charm for being 1 year in london
• Save 2000 pounds
• Go to the theatre
• Do more cake decorating courses
• Holiday to Eastern Europe
• Get cover for Ipad
• Sort out Harry Potter Lego
• Pack away winter clothes and sort out summer clothes
• Read 5 books
• Buy something for my sisters baby (when she hits 12 weeks)
• Try and meet more people in London

So that's it so far. Wish me luck! Some of them I have to start straight away like walking to work I can obviously only do when we are in London as I'm live in when we are in Norway.

Very excited!

Packing...

Can't write properly today as packing all the bags to go back to London YAY can't wait for tomorrow! Have made some of my goals for the 100 days I'm very excited will post and tell all about it tomorrow night.

Gained!

I feel disgusting, awful and so depressed. I'm absolutely mortified! Weigh in this morning and I've gained. 0.5kg (1.1 pound) I don't understand it. I know I've not been perfect this week but I've not been that bad to gain! With that I went into another feeding frenzy and have eaten 4 chocolate biscuits today worth 500 and something calories WTF?!? I can't remember the name of the blog (will look it up then post it tomorrow) but there is a girl giving herself 100 days to lose 45 pounds... I don't think I could be quite that good but I'm going to do it with her, anyone else that wants to join in please do! She's also given herself other goals (not weight related) to do like clean out cupboard and stuff like that. So while M is asleep and tonight I'm going to figure out what some of my goals can be and work out how much weight I might be able to lose in that time. Unlike me, stay strong!

Stupid laptop!

After going so well since being in Norway my laptop now decides it doesn't want to connect to the Wi-fi so am on my iPhone sorry for spelling mistakes! Today went reasonably well. I have been craving chocolate ALL day and just knowing that I would have to write about it on here has kept me away from the cupboard! Took M for a walk in the pram about 40 mins nothing huge but it was raining and really cold so hoping I burnt a few more calories than normal. Very annoyed that I can't go swimming tonight but I sliced into my finger ACCIDENT (who actually has a sharp bread and butter knife?) so it hasn't completely stopped bleeding which means I can't go swimming :( I feel like a heffa already! Breakfast: apple 70 calories Lunch: snack a jacks and toast 178 calories Dinner: toast 80 calories Snacks: apple juice 110? Calories Total = 438 calories Weigh in tomorrow I don't want to at all. I know I've put on weight this week and I know I'm going to be even more depressed about it when I get on the scales and it's confirmed. God I wish I were thin!

Failure!

Yet again I have failed. No big surprise there really is it.

After I finished writing last night I was so hungry and unfortunately in the kitchen when dinner was being served to everyone, and the smell did me no favours so I ended up have a piece of toast and a sausage then after that I thought fuck it I've just completely ruined the day even more so why not keep eating and then I had a piece of chocolate cake and some vanilla ice cream. I went straight down stairs and threw it all up.

As I said last night I was going to try and fast today.. which is why the title of this post if failure. I only made it till 2pm when I had my Snack a Jacks (108 calories), toast (80 calories) then 3 chocolate biscuits (370 calories) GRRR! I went and did my 100 laps in the pool to stop me eating anymore.

Why do I have to be such a fat pig with no willpower?! I used to be good, it used to be no effort at all to go 5-10 days fasting, I wish I was back there.

I actually have some followers YAY! Welcome. I am hoping that my first followers will keep me on track.

I promise I will be thin! I start tomorrow (again.. I think I say that to myself like everyday) but with you out there reading you will keep me strong. I can do this. I'm not going to try and fast again for awhile... clearly it didn't go well today. I'm just going to keep what I've been doing the last few weeks and keep on track. It will eventually come off.

Happy Easter!

NOT

I have not stopped eating the entire day! I was so annoyed when I got on the scales this morning, I know I shouldn't have but just wanted a quick look and I have only lost .5 WTF?! That means to keep up with the last two weeks weight loss I would have to lose 1.7kg AT LEAST in three days. I was so upset I just started eating.

Breakfast I had 1 piece of toast and 5 small Easter eggs, which a small glass of orange juice

I then went for a huge two hour trek through the woods

Lunch another piece of toast and small glass of orange juice

Dinner my chicken wrap that I do, 2 small pieces of chocolate cake, with a few spoons of vanilla ice cream and   2 more small Easter eggs.

Oh and not to mention the half a normal sized Easter egg I had with some gooey shit in the middle that I couldn't finish. 

I feel obese. Well I practically am already so now I feel even worse.

I'm going to try and fast all day tomorrow - it's the last day I can before I have to start working again. I've got to cut down on calories I can't keep pigging out like this or I'm never going to be thin.

My boss found a dress on the internet that she says would be great for me and then I could wear it to the engagement party.. only problem is it's 350 pounds! Yes I can afford it but the only reason I afford it is cause I don't spend my money on really fucking expensive clothes. I also just think it will look like shit on me anyway.

I would love to be my like boss (and all her rich friends) and be able to spend that much money without even noticing, like it just doesn't matter to her. We were walking through the airport before coming to Norway and walked past the window to Dior on the way to the lounge and I said 'oh I love that scarf it is so gorgeous' and kept walking... she however had stopped called me back to go in 455 pounds later she had a new scarf, no hesitation, no oh that's expensive.  

Well I'm fat, poor and ugly no one is ever going to want me. 

Damn Eggs

I hate 2 Easter Eggs today, yes they were really small but still shouldn't of had them. GRRR!

I have absolutely no energy to write tonight. 

Breakfast: apple 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks 108 calories

Dinner: Toast 90 calories

Snacks: 2 easter eggs 200 calories. 

I'm going with 200, 100 cals each but I think they were only worth about half that they were only small, just want to be on the safe side though.

Total = 478 calories

Went for a long trek through the woods for 1 hour and 40 minutes... was aiming to walk for 2hrs but the track I was going on was still quite icey so had to turn around and come back.

Also did my 100 laps in the pool. 

All in all not a hugely bad day. Could have been heaps better without the eggs, I hope everyone else finishes them at dinner tonight.

Such a rubbish post, but I just can't be bothered!

Lucy at the Gym

I absolutely LOVE this song it is my favourite. Can't download it on the Australian itunes though.

I am in need of this today!

Have spent hours last night today just looking at photos on the internet and going on you tube.

Stupid fat cow!!!

They are the only words to describe myself at the moment. All day I was resisting that stupid chocolate cake, but did  I have the willpower to do it until I went to be tonight noooooooooo! I feel so disgusting, I can already feel myself growing. I've GOT to stop!
I do this all the time, I want to reach a goal like being good and loosing as much weight as possible for the 7 weeks until I fly home and then I just can't do it. But I've got to! I can't be this fat. I just can't. I hate every minute of it.

I wonder if there are people in the world that really and truly like the way they look. Surely there are. I can't imagine it ever happening to me though. I have supposedly been 'recovered' for like 8 years, yes my body is a complete fat blob but I have never changed my thinking from when I was being put into hospital again and again. I have always thought I was a fat ugly cow, always cried when I looked in the mirror (now I just avoid looking at them), I always want to lose weight and seem to be starting a new diet... the only thing that has changed is my weight, I haven't got to that supposedly dangerously low weight again in 8 years and it makes me feel revolting and awful.

It will be different this time, I know it will. I will be thin and I will like what I see. I just need to lose this fat that I have engulfing my body wanting me to drown.

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: well not dinner cause I'm too fucking fat to wait that long but I'm not eating for the rest of the day so I'm putting it as dinner. Toast, slice of chocolate cake and bowl of chocolate icecream = TO FUCKING MANY CALORIES TO COUNT

Total: Probably a good 1000 calories (god I pray it isn't anymore!)

How am I ever going to lose weight if I eat like this? Why can't I just be strong? I promise I will be good tomorrow!

Bad Girl

Was very bad this evening! Was going great until my boss said she was making me some potatoes, as she was cooking for everyone else, for dinner which means I had to cook myself some chicken or I would look totally weird just having a few potatoes on a plate. It then went from bad to worse with M's Dad making a chocolate cake and serving me up a piece with fucking ice-cream! I was prepared for the potatoes and was luckily serving up which means I got to choose the tiniest ones which were like 1 bite each :) but then the cake as soon as he put it down in front of me I got up and filled my glass of water and knew it would have to come back up. Guzzled the water and refilled and went and ate the cake, it was sooo good! I thought as long as I'm going to throw it up I will just have another piece, so three pieces of cake later, a small bowl of ice-cream, 1/4 chicken breast and 4 tiny potatoes I'm in the bathroom getting rid of it all. Just to make sure I have just taken some laxatives.

So much for being good every day this week and seeing if I can loose a decent amount again. God I'm such a fucking failure!

In other news I did a completely crazy thing today. It's my sister engagement party in May and obviously me being in London and them all being back in Australia I wouldn't be able to go but with the encouragement of my boss who says I'm young it's my job to do crazy things like this I've booked a flight home for the weekend! Yes I am flying 26ish hours to spend two days at home and then fly all the way back! :/  So excited about surprising everyone, not about sitting up right for 26+ hours in economy, I'm trying to upgrade myself with my frequent flyer points but it says there are not seats available try closer to the time.

With 7 weeks until the party I really have to be good! I have to resist this left over chocolate cake tomorrow!

Spoke to my mum this morning. It really is amazing the different reactions you get to weight loss when people don't know your history. Over here it is oh well done, I wish I was strong like you, keep going etc etc. Told my mum this morning I had lost 2.2kg for this week she was like, you shouldn't be loosing weight that fast, what are you doing? are you eating? please don't be doing anything stupid, you should email your dr blah blah blah. I felt like saying I did email my dr she doesn't bloody reply.

Anywho very long post but with that I'm off to bed.

Thinspo...

 I love, love, love Mary-Kate Olsen

Love these beautiful thin legs.

Just a few pictures to keep me on track.

Hate people that don't reply!

One of my major pet hates is people who don't reply to emails. It is so annoying and messes with my head, even more so when it's my shrink! WTF? She asked me to email her in 4 weeks the last time I saw her 7 weeks later I finally emailed her and does she reply??? Noooo.

On to better news I had my weigh in this morning :) 2.2kg this week ( 4.8 pounds), not as much as last week but I'm still quite pleased with it. I'm just hoping I can do it again for this week that would be amazing! I should be able to considering I lost that and wasn't good every day had 2 very bad days, involving a lot of birthday cake, and 2 average days so surely being good the entire week I should be able to lose the same again if not more? Please, please, please let me lose the same again!

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Toast with a few bits of chicken = 300? calories (that's a stretch hope it was A LOT less!)

Total = 488 calories

Was also good and did my 100 laps in the pool. Still not walk as M is still sick and his mum won't let me take him out of the house for a walk. But soon bring on 4 days of over Easter where I can go for big long walks on my own and sleep in and not have to eat breakfast, brilliant!

I'm going to be an Aunty!

I'm soo excited! My sister messaged from Australia today and said she is having a baby! I'm over the moon. She's only 5 weeks, has only told mum dad and my sister and I, waiting for the 12 week mark to officially announce it. I was so happy when I first heard, still am but now I'm just like 'what do I do?' I always planned to  live over here in London for 1 or 2 years and go home before everyone started having babies, now she's pregnant, do I want to move home? Well of course I do! But then there is a part of me that doesn't want to miss out on being over here, like I'm going to go home and do what? There's nothing for me there! Absolutely nothing!

I've eaten so much today cause I'm so happy and sad at the same time, I really am an awful sister.

Breakfast: Apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: Toast = 250 calories

Snacks: Chicken Balls = 80 calories

Total = 518 calories

I didn't do any exercise. Fat cow that I am.

Fat is disgusting!

I hate the word fat, I think it if the worse thing to be called, worse than slut, c*nt, whore worse than everything... does that make me weird? I get so angry when my sisters call someone in the street fat, or say rude things about them because of their size and what they are wearing. They tell me to shut up that is what everyone does. I know that. I know that's how everyone thinks, that why I do what I do. Cause I know when people look at me they think I am fat and disgusting. I know when people see me they laugh and say how ugly I am. I just want to be difference, I want to be pretty and wanted. I want to be thin.

Breakfast: apple = 80 calories

Lunch: Snack a Jacks = 108 calories

Dinner: none = 0 calories

Snacks: chicken balls = 200 calories?

Total = 388 calories

I am such a fat big was! I was making a batch of chicken balls for M to put in the freezer and big fat me couldn't stop eating them. I think it was more just over 100 calories but have put 200 cause I want to be safe with my count. Didn't have dinner cause I had been such a pig!

Only 1.5 more days till way in, I'm stressing. I HATE not having the same scales. What if I've put on weight? What if I've lost weight but I haven't really lost weight cause it's just cause the scales are different?

I need to drink loads more water, my skin is so dry! It always is when we come to the house in Oslo but this time it is so much worse.

Going to try and be stronger tomorrow. It's times like this when I wish people, well not even people just someone read this to help me keep going and be strong.

Calories, Calories, Calories.

I'm obsessed. I'm freaking out cause I don't know how much was in my meal tonight. Stupid work if I could just be at home left to my own devices it would all be good.

Woke up in a great mood. Took some laxatives last night which worked a treat. I felt so empty it gave me such a nice high :). It was my day off so stayed in bed quite late watching DVDs and then went out for a walk for an hour.

Nearly time for bed now, just got out of the pool after doing my 100 laps. I hate exercise but I hope it will make a difference. I PRAY it will make a difference!

Breakfast: nothing = 0 calories :)

Lunch: apple = 80 calories

Dinner = ?? praying it wasn't more than 400 calories. It was roast chicken not more than I normally have so that is 100 calories but then I had potatoes, I want to cry just thinking about it!.

Snacks:  Rusks = 57 calories

Strawberry lolly = 9.5 calories

Total = 546.5 calories 

I am almost positive it wouldn't be anymore than that hoping against hope it was a hole lot less!