I don't have an eating disorder.

Did another cupcake course today. Overall I liked it, but I was rubbish at it. I hate being bad at something when everyone else around you is good. Don't mind it if we are all bad, well I do but not as much.

Start the ABC diet tomorrow. I was so excited about it but now I'm just depressed again - it's all I seem to be lately. I was so positive about it that I am finally going to get rid of this fat that is engulfing my body. I just need to get in that positive frame of mind again. I'm on my own but I can do this! No one thinks I'm serious but I can do it.

Whenever I lose any weight my mum is like 'now don't do anything stupid, you don't want to go back where you were'. The thing is I never left. I got fat. I hate people saying 'you've come so far' I feel like screaming at them I haven't, I haven't! Nothings changed apart from me being fat. I hate it, I absolutely despise it.

I'm going to kick off the ABC diet with taking some laxatives tonight.


I don't have an eating disorder:
I'm too fat.

Definitely ABCing it!

I decided this afternoon, when feeling like the most obese person in the world while shopping, that I am going to start the ABC diet on Sunday. I don't know quite how it's going to go I will at the very least go until day 10 at which point I need to go to Norway for work. So I can try and keep doing it while away or just try and eat very little amounts and start again when I get home.

I've counted forward and the day we fly will be a fast day :/ which normally I could get away with, no one every being the wiser, but since I will be with my boss from morning until night she is obviously going to notice. I thought I could say I feel a bit sick, just not right to eat which could possibly get me past the fast day and if she notices me eating low the next day I could say I'm just building back up slowly don't want to risk being sick blah, blah, blah. But that would only work once, and she would start asking a lot of questions when the next fast day came around. I can get away with quite a lot cause she knows I'm such a fussy eater but she will notice if I just don't eat.

So haven't quite decided on the how yet, but it is definitely happening! I need something drastic to get my body out of this obese state it is in.

Don't know if I should stay or go.

I'm still stressing about if I should stay in London or go home.I thought I had made my mind up to go home but then I will have a nice weekend or something and think about staying in London. I also think about what it will be like if I move home... the same as before I left. My family and I get on great when we don't live together... well actually to be more accurate when I'm not in the same country. They say how much they miss me and want me home - they've just forgotten how much they hate me, how much we fight and how it is always, always my fault.

So I would go back to living at home fighting with everyone going to work and coming home. At least I would be able to see my shrink again... geeze that is one person I didn't think I would miss! Then I would have someone to talk to but when I'm actually there I don't talk to her, not really, not like I should.

Then of course there is the option to stay in London. Where I could go out and have fun, but I don't. Where I could travel to all these amazing places, but I don't. I am hating my job more and more, well not really the job itself more the mother. Although I don't hate her, she's lovely (and beautifully thin) but every day she says or does something else that annoys me so much. Like M's dad wants him to go for a visit without mum and all she says is its too soon he's too little and it's not like the dad would take off work and actually spend anytime with him he'll never see him it's terrible. I just feel like screaming at her THAT'S WHAT YOU DO! She just doesn't see it. M wakes up at 7am I start at 7:30 but generally get there at 7:15 when I take over and I don't finish at 7 at night when he goes to bed. Mum gets home at 5/5:30 but does she spend any one on one time with.. of course not! She has the personal trainer come to the house, she has an email to write, she has a call to make, she has to tidy up, she has to eat blah blah blah. I'm so tired, I've got headache. So when it comes down to it you see your son for 15mins in the morning and 1.5 hrs in the evening of which only 30mins you actually sit down with him and do nothing else and just spend time with him. HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT FROM WHAT HIS FATHER DOES?!?!

It's scary that I don't really want to be any place, I don't want to be anywhere. I don't care any more.

Pitiful weight loss.

What a sorry excuse I had for weight loss this week. 0.9kg, really that's just pathetic. But of course loosing so little I don't take the logical step, well logical in my world, and eat even less nooooo big fat obese me eats more! I was snacking all day I just couldn't stop. And I wonder why I'm so fat! huh!

I've just seen someone post the ABC diet on their blog, which I have seen someone write about before but never really given it much attention but thinking of giving it a go. I just don't know how it will work out with Norway, I could possibly start it when I get back but that seems so long away! Will have to give it some thought. Has anyone ever done it, if you muck up a day by having too many calories do you then just go on with it the next day or do you have to start again? This is it:

My old crush accepted my friend request on facebook, to be honest I actually forgot I had added him again. I also can't remember who deleted who. I do quite a lot of friend culling on there (I go through phases) but I have a feeling he might of deleted me. We have known eachother since primary school where he liked me for years he moved away to go to boarding school and we wrote to each other constantly and we were going to "go out" but then I was put into hospital for the first time and although he came to visit me we sort of just remained friends. He seems to start talking to me every time he breaks up with a girlfriend. I don't think I liked him all that much to be honest, more the thought back then of someone liking ME!

Anyway off to bed, babysitting late tonight as my boss went out to dinner and got early start tomorrow, oh the joy!

Strained neck.

Do you think you can strain your neck while vomiting? Cause I may have just done so. Cause it bloody hurts. I guess it serves me right for me such a fat, disgusting pig.

I was going fairly well up until after work when I went to this group, sort of women's group, what is the name of that movie where the women's group does a naked calender for fundraising? Anyway like that. My flatmate wanted me to go along so did and they served cake! Fuck me! It wasn't even worth breaking for, it was lemon, which isn't disgusting but soo not something I was choose to break my diet over. AND then flatmate asks did I have dinner! Thinking I was completely safe as this meeting didn't finish till 9:30 and we both have to work early in the morning I said I hadn't so then went for fish and chips... which is the long tale of why I actually strained my neck throwing up. I know I wouldn't have got it ALL cause I was trying to be quiet and quick, a disaster combination for a bulimic who's only aim is to bring all the food back up but alas I did not and now have an injury to boot. Fingers crossed that I got most of it up though.

And what's even worse? Is I did all of this the night before  I weigh in. I'm totally screwed! Even if I had lost some I would have put it all back on.

A new week.

A new week and a bad start, I had a sneaky weigh this morning at work and have gained :( I know I was bad over the weekend but thought the really low calories 5 days prior would help even that out. I'm not too stressed, well I am but trying not to be, as it was on different scales so fingers crossed they are wrong.

Today's intake was approx 311. I really need to stop taking bites of M's food cause that is what is making my intake go so high.

The last few weeks I have been helping my boss put together a lot of figures on what she spends each month and through out the year to give to the lawyers (possible divorce looming) but anyway tonight I finally finished it, god it's depressing that I have to work for over 7 years to earn what she SPENDS in 1 year, 7 years!

I wish I had money, money and thinness then I would be happy. Actually I think I would just settle for thin.

Wouldn't we all. lol.

Disaster of weekend.

Why do I always have to ruin it with food? I was going so well and then I just have to start stuffing my face.
Had planned to break yesterday but then be on track again today it didn't work at all. But shall be good again tomorrow until next Saturday.

One of my friends was using my ipad today to search for something and my email address was on the page of i_am_2_fat and she was like is this your email address? And I'm just like what? no! my email is blah blah blah, I don't think they bought it, I know they just think I'm a weird fat freak, quite frankly who wouldn't. They are all so funny and just great to be around but I know they think I'm just a fat cow and I think that if I didn't live with one of them they wouldn't really be hanging out with me.

I just feel like cutting.

Don't want to go to work tomorrow, I've just had enough!