It's all changing and I can't stop it. I can see it, see it every time I say something and I know I should stop myself saying it but I'm just so comfortable around him now I can't stop it coming out. He never used to get annoyed. Now he does. Even when he doesn't say anything I can see it all over his face.
Everything that comes out of his mouth I twist around.
He is trying to help but even his help I twist around.
He says he will help me exercise (so you agree I'm a fat pig and need to exercise).
He says I just need to eat healthier (so he thinks I'm fat and disgusting and I don't deserve any treats).
I can't stop doing it, it's driving me even more isane and then I feel so guilty cause it upsets him so I feel even worse.
He deserves so much better than me. Someone who is skinny and sexy and pretty. Someone who isn't as dumb as a post. I just don't know why he is with me.
I don't get it.
And I think it's going to ruin us. But then I don't know if that's all in my head too. 😫😫
Tuesday, 30 June 2015
Tuesday, 23 June 2015
What I would say
What I would say if I could get the worlds out....
It might surprise you all to know that I have found myself a man... After a year and a bit it still surprises me and I am absolutely convinced that he is going to leave at any second. He is struggling at the moment with the fact that I am down and made a comment that if I hurt myself he will do the same. Now I know this was meant to be a 'I need to show you it hurts me when you do it' sort of statement but that's not what it's like. To say you will just do something... Something that I've been struggling with for around 12 years now it's like he just doesn't understand, and I'm sure he doesn't.
He also gets annoyed when I say he doesn't love me (fair enough I suppose) but I just know he doesn't.. How could he?!?!
He wants me to talk to him but I don't know how to get the words out to just say everything I want to without saying it wrong.
To say I love him so much, more than anything, but no I don't know he loves me. I know he likes me, puts up with me, sometimes I even think he might love me but it doesn't last for long.
Every time he tells me he loves me in my head I say no, don't talk shit. Everytime he says anything nice or compliments me in any way I'm saying the complete opposite in my head cause it just isn't true. I don't deserve his love, I don't deserve anything nice he does for me.
I want to ask him how he can possibly find me attractive because when I look in the mirror I just want to cry, which is why I avoid them. That everything about me is ugly and disgusting and I just don't want to be me.
He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever and I want that so very much but I try not to thinks about it because when it sometimes floats into my head it just makes me upset because I know it won't ever happen. He puts up with it now all my little thingsthat annoy him and upset him, but over time they will grown and grow until he can't deal with it anymore. I KNOW I will ruin this. I will ruin it with all my crap, but I don't know how to stop, it is all too much a part of me now, it has been there for so long I don't know how to be different.
I want to be so much better for him. I want to be attractive. So the first step is to lose weight...
It might surprise you all to know that I have found myself a man... After a year and a bit it still surprises me and I am absolutely convinced that he is going to leave at any second. He is struggling at the moment with the fact that I am down and made a comment that if I hurt myself he will do the same. Now I know this was meant to be a 'I need to show you it hurts me when you do it' sort of statement but that's not what it's like. To say you will just do something... Something that I've been struggling with for around 12 years now it's like he just doesn't understand, and I'm sure he doesn't.
He also gets annoyed when I say he doesn't love me (fair enough I suppose) but I just know he doesn't.. How could he?!?!
He wants me to talk to him but I don't know how to get the words out to just say everything I want to without saying it wrong.
To say I love him so much, more than anything, but no I don't know he loves me. I know he likes me, puts up with me, sometimes I even think he might love me but it doesn't last for long.
Every time he tells me he loves me in my head I say no, don't talk shit. Everytime he says anything nice or compliments me in any way I'm saying the complete opposite in my head cause it just isn't true. I don't deserve his love, I don't deserve anything nice he does for me.
I want to ask him how he can possibly find me attractive because when I look in the mirror I just want to cry, which is why I avoid them. That everything about me is ugly and disgusting and I just don't want to be me.
He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever and I want that so very much but I try not to thinks about it because when it sometimes floats into my head it just makes me upset because I know it won't ever happen. He puts up with it now all my little thingsthat annoy him and upset him, but over time they will grown and grow until he can't deal with it anymore. I KNOW I will ruin this. I will ruin it with all my crap, but I don't know how to stop, it is all too much a part of me now, it has been there for so long I don't know how to be different.
I want to be so much better for him. I want to be attractive. So the first step is to lose weight...
Friday, 2 January 2015
The New Year is Here
The New Year is here and I can't say I'm looking forward to it.
I haven't posted in such a long time... I seem to start most posts like that these days.
In good news I haven't cut this year. ha can only say that at the start of each new year. I am going to try and make a proper effort to not do it though or at least to not do it on the first urge... it's just the only way I know how to deal with things when everything gets too much.
I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here but I have got myself a boyfriend... I know, I know shock horror! It has been 8 months now and it makes me so happy but so crazy at the same time. I just can't understand that anyone is attracted to me or likes me but apparently he loves me and thinks I'm sexy... I just don't get it and it stresses me out. When I'm with me he just makes me so very happy though.
My work life isn't the best. The little munchkin I look after is at nursery 5 mornings a week so I run errands for the mum, which was fine when it first started every now and again but now it is expected and she puts off doing thing herself cause she knows I can do it. It isn't my job and I'm beginning to resent it. My guilt for leaving a job without a reason prevents me for leaving (and no my unhappiness does not count as a reason). I was hoping that they would move to the country and that could be my out but that now isn't happening they are staying in London and I am stuck without a reason to leave.
A new year has started and nothing has changed. Yet again.
Resolutions for this year:
I haven't posted in such a long time... I seem to start most posts like that these days.
In good news I haven't cut this year. ha can only say that at the start of each new year. I am going to try and make a proper effort to not do it though or at least to not do it on the first urge... it's just the only way I know how to deal with things when everything gets too much.
I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here but I have got myself a boyfriend... I know, I know shock horror! It has been 8 months now and it makes me so happy but so crazy at the same time. I just can't understand that anyone is attracted to me or likes me but apparently he loves me and thinks I'm sexy... I just don't get it and it stresses me out. When I'm with me he just makes me so very happy though.
My work life isn't the best. The little munchkin I look after is at nursery 5 mornings a week so I run errands for the mum, which was fine when it first started every now and again but now it is expected and she puts off doing thing herself cause she knows I can do it. It isn't my job and I'm beginning to resent it. My guilt for leaving a job without a reason prevents me for leaving (and no my unhappiness does not count as a reason). I was hoping that they would move to the country and that could be my out but that now isn't happening they are staying in London and I am stuck without a reason to leave.
A new year has started and nothing has changed. Yet again.
Resolutions for this year:
- to lose this fat that is all over my body
- to make an effort to not cut
- to find the balls to quit my job
- find a new flat
- to blog more so I can get my thoughts out of my head
- to get back into running
- travel to 2 new countries
Wednesday, 20 August 2014
The fat doesn't move.
That fat doesn't move, won't disappear and get off my body. I lost 3lbs since I last wrote, what a poor excuse for weight loss!
My current plan to thin is to follow weight watchers. It is a good plan works well when you stick to it and is 'healthy and normal' I'm hoping it will get the binging and purging under control. The minimum points you are allowed in the weight watchers system is 26, which is what you get if you are in a healthy weight range. So I'm not allowed to go over 26, today I've used 16 and I'm done, no more for this fat pig. I just need to be thin and everything will improve.
Work is so stressful at the moment cause I just don't know what is going to happen with it. The family I work for may move out to the country or may not. But if they do, do I want to go (not really but I feel so guilty if I say that) will they stay in London ? There are so many decisions the family need to make and each one has a huge impact on my job and if I like it or hate it. I'm worried and stressed and hating it.
Gah I hate being an adult and all the shit you have to deal with.
My current plan to thin is to follow weight watchers. It is a good plan works well when you stick to it and is 'healthy and normal' I'm hoping it will get the binging and purging under control. The minimum points you are allowed in the weight watchers system is 26, which is what you get if you are in a healthy weight range. So I'm not allowed to go over 26, today I've used 16 and I'm done, no more for this fat pig. I just need to be thin and everything will improve.
Work is so stressful at the moment cause I just don't know what is going to happen with it. The family I work for may move out to the country or may not. But if they do, do I want to go (not really but I feel so guilty if I say that) will they stay in London ? There are so many decisions the family need to make and each one has a huge impact on my job and if I like it or hate it. I'm worried and stressed and hating it.
Gah I hate being an adult and all the shit you have to deal with.
Saturday, 16 August 2014
Too Fat, Too Fat, Too Fat!
Falling down again. I'm not sure what has changed... well lots has changed but I'm not sure what has given me that shove, a shove that I seem to be welcoming back with open arms.
For the last week I have been throwing up every day, sometimes twice, today was the only binge other times I just thought the meal was too much. It's funny how things slip back into place so easily.
I've been cutting a lot more as well, the release is just like it used to be, not as good, but still there.
I do want to stop the vomiting and the only way to do that is to restrict. I need that addictive, amazing high now and that is the only other way I know to get it.
I haven't written in so long. I've slipped back into work and London life like I never left. I'm not enjoying work much at the moment at all, a lot of travel involved and it is very stressful.
The major thing that has changed is I'm no longer a virgin... not quite sure if I ever admitted that on here, but since no one will ever know about this I think it is ok to write. I'm falling for this guy well and truly but it's only a matter of time before he sees the true me and ditches me, it will never last. Maybe if I lose some weight I will be able to keep for just a little bit longer.
For a while now everything has been going a long ok. I can't say I have ever forgotten about that fat that engulfs my body but being at the high end of normal weight didn't plague me day to day. No that's a lie it did but I got distracted by other things which made me stay this disgusting, hideous weight. It won't be with me for much longer!
For the last week I have been throwing up every day, sometimes twice, today was the only binge other times I just thought the meal was too much. It's funny how things slip back into place so easily.
I've been cutting a lot more as well, the release is just like it used to be, not as good, but still there.
I do want to stop the vomiting and the only way to do that is to restrict. I need that addictive, amazing high now and that is the only other way I know to get it.
I haven't written in so long. I've slipped back into work and London life like I never left. I'm not enjoying work much at the moment at all, a lot of travel involved and it is very stressful.
The major thing that has changed is I'm no longer a virgin... not quite sure if I ever admitted that on here, but since no one will ever know about this I think it is ok to write. I'm falling for this guy well and truly but it's only a matter of time before he sees the true me and ditches me, it will never last. Maybe if I lose some weight I will be able to keep for just a little bit longer.
For a while now everything has been going a long ok. I can't say I have ever forgotten about that fat that engulfs my body but being at the high end of normal weight didn't plague me day to day. No that's a lie it did but I got distracted by other things which made me stay this disgusting, hideous weight. It won't be with me for much longer!
Saturday, 29 March 2014
Watch me Shrink
I haven't done a blog in such a long time, life has been very busy, mostly fun, lots of adventures and distractions but with that came a lot of weight gain. And I really can't stand it anymore. The last straight was going out for my birthday last night and my favourite dress was tight I was mortified and nearly broke down crying but obviously had to keep it together so my friends don't think I'm completely crazy. So it starts again, my blog, my diets, my weighing, my shrinking....
I will hopefully be getting more time over the next two weeks to blog before I have to go away for a week for work. So my diet needs to be perfect for two weeks to hopefully maintain for the week I'm away and then continue losing again on return.
I am considering posting my weight as an extreme measure of just how disgusting I have got and so I can show everyone the numbers going down down down but I'm not sure if I'm brave enough cause it is the most I've been in such a long time. We will see.
Off for a run and need to take my measurement :(
Stay strong.
I will hopefully be getting more time over the next two weeks to blog before I have to go away for a week for work. So my diet needs to be perfect for two weeks to hopefully maintain for the week I'm away and then continue losing again on return.
I am considering posting my weight as an extreme measure of just how disgusting I have got and so I can show everyone the numbers going down down down but I'm not sure if I'm brave enough cause it is the most I've been in such a long time. We will see.
Off for a run and need to take my measurement :(
Stay strong.
Monday, 21 October 2013
3 months down
So I've been back in London for just over three months. All started out great, it cut out my pretty much daily cutting and vomiting out cause I just couldn't do it ( work was busy, plus I'm a live in nanny nada we travel a lot and I could never expose the children to that if for some crazy reason they happened to find out. So it was brilliant for about a month, now it's going down hill again. Nothing has changed, just my thinking. I've started cutting again, although not nearly as much as I feel the need to.
I've hit very annoying maintaining with my weight. I put on when I came over then got myself under control and am smaller than when I left Australia but now I'm staying the same (this week I think I've gained but too scared to look). The last few weeks I can't stop eating, I hate it and it makes me want to cut even more. I'm so close to my first goal weight I just don't want to ruin it, but the fat failure that I am I probably will. I get officially weighed on Wednesday so now where I sit, hopefully I haven't gained but will get back on track and lose lose lose!
I just want to cry when I look in the mirror, well not even look in the mirror just when the thought of me crosses my mind.
I hate it! I hate me so so much!
I've hit very annoying maintaining with my weight. I put on when I came over then got myself under control and am smaller than when I left Australia but now I'm staying the same (this week I think I've gained but too scared to look). The last few weeks I can't stop eating, I hate it and it makes me want to cut even more. I'm so close to my first goal weight I just don't want to ruin it, but the fat failure that I am I probably will. I get officially weighed on Wednesday so now where I sit, hopefully I haven't gained but will get back on track and lose lose lose!
I just want to cry when I look in the mirror, well not even look in the mirror just when the thought of me crosses my mind.
I hate it! I hate me so so much!
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